Hope

A real rollercoaster of emotions today... rang my manager and told her straight that I was struggling and on the edge of breaking down. I went to work and we had a face to face chat and to be fair to her she was very supportive... she gets where i am at and why. I may well have caught this just in time before i have a nervous break down. The bottom line is that I am burnt out.. very tired and very fatigued... tomorrows shift cancelled

Well am back. To be honest i'd completely given up on giving up. Iv'e been gambling compulsively and addictively and the only gamble free times have been when I haven't got any money. Thats the truth of the matter. I convinced myself that if I put any winnings I might get on to my card then that would protect myself from blowing everything cos i'd not being able to get my paws on it for a couple of days. But no all it did was delay the inevitable for "a bit".

Why I am here you may ask?.... well its because I want to stop gambling. Ive got my mojo back, ive got my motivation back to try and stay stopped. Ive still got some money but am sick and tired and completely numb from routinely walking into the bookies and sitting at those d**n machines, quietly feeding in my hard earned wages. Its utterly pointless and ive known this for many years and yet i continue to do it. I am sick, I am insane and I have self destructive streak that is very powerful BUT even after all these years I still want to get better. So tired of living on the edge all the time.

By the way... a combination of GAMSTOP (5 year exclusion) and blocking software on my computer has proved very effective. I haven't gambled online for sometime because I can't... I really can't do it. I woosh i could say the same for the bookies, but self exclusion from bookies is a joke. I self-exclude in person and then I walk back in a couple of weeks later and nobody bats an eyelid. I don't blame the staff, its down to me at the end of the day but for the industry to say that they promote responsible gambling is a joke. You can still sit and play a machine for hours on end and all that happens is that periodically a thing comes up on the screen to tell you to play responsibly and shows you the gamcare info and you have to wait 5 seconds or so before you click it away and carry on gambling. Personally I think that after say 40 mins play the machine should be automatically shut down which would force you to approach the staff and "have a conversation". As it stands addicts like me can literally sit at a terminal and bet for the whole day undisturbed.

Thanks for listening. Just for today....

Hi S.A.,

I'm a fan. Unconditionally! Keep searching. Keep going. Stay well. Sending strength and love. -joanxx

Hi SA,

What is working well for me right now is my new bank card, Monza. It's easy to sign up and make a deposit. What sets it out from the others is that it has an option to block gambling transactions including bookies.

For a very long time, many years in fact, I have been trying to find a way to stay safe around what I call my '30-mile safe zone' from where I live. Anything beyond that gives me far too much temptation - no-one knows me, easy to find, etc. This is where I have had a issue of whether to take my debit card with me or leave it at home.

Leaving it at home means that I cannot gamble excessively. But this also means that I could potentially find myself in a situation where I would really need access to funds, for example the car breaking down. Yes, Apple Pay has been a good option but there is a £30 limit on transactions and not every petrol station accepts it.

Taking the debit card with me has cost thousands and thousands of pounds in the past.

But only taking the Monza card with me with some funds in the account could solve everything for me in the long-term. Like I said, it worked in the bookies today whilst away for the weekend and I happily walked out happily without spending a single penny.

Perhaps it could work for you too?

NT

Hi SA,

I'm hardly ever on here these days but wanted to tell you that I believe in you and always have. I admire your strength and also your humanity and humility to talk openly about not feeling strong at times.

You are a very good soul and you're allowed to make mistakes. Good souls have "good soul" running right through their core, much like a stick of candy rock.

Hi all... and thanks for your thoughts. Am back and motivated to stop.

Freda I am a good soul. I like to help others. Am empathic am friendly am funny. Am strong. I have a great deal of endurance. There is no malice in me. There is no hatred. I am not vengeful in any way. I do no harm. I want to do the best for others. This is my programming, this is my DNA, this is how it was meant to be... BUT.. there is always a but... I am nothing to myself... I do not care if I live in squalor... I go without and I survive and carry on.. I only satisfy my needs in terms instant gratification and escapism... this is how it has always been. I know nothing else and with this comes "nothingness" just more of the same... misery and despair. I think maybe this is my challenge in life.. to learn how to be good to myself, to connect with others, to nurture my soul and entertain the idea of spiritual growth...

Things are very difficult at the moment. They always are, I know nothing else. It is my normal. I walk the long walk to tesco, voucher in my back pocket. My sister had sent me this. It is a life line. My sisters no me very well. They are of course from the same DNA. They read between the lines. They know what no contact means... it means am f****d. They read between the lines. They know. I don't ask for anything but periodically a voucher shows up in the post and i am grateful.

I gets to Tesco. I search out the cheapest wholemeal bread. Am glad i like wholemeal. Its always on offer. Eat too much white bread and i get that real blotted feeling. I buy the cheapest jam x4. I buy oats. I buy muesli (its on offer). I buy sugar. I buy coffee (cheapest). I buy spread. I buy full fat milk x2. Total cost 9.98.... 2p left on the card. This lot will keep me alive for a while. High carbs, slow release of energy (with the oats and muesli anyway). I suppose the luxury is the coffee. I don't need coffee but am addicted to caffeine too... apparently it reduces the development of type 2 diabeties by 25%.. if ya believe what you read. There is another man middle aged man at the self service tills. I look in his basket.. chicken pieces, and assortment of vege, creme fraiche, crusty bread, little pots of different seasonings, a microwave meal, milk, some wine etc. I think to myself... he doesn't have to worry about money this chap.. he's just buying what he wants. I feel a tinge of sadness and anger with myself that i can't do this because I have no money.. due to my obsession to get a good feature on some slot game. The feeling intensifies as i walk home and as i feel the strain of carrying milk and sugar and jam up the hill. get the bus I hear you say... "but I have no money"... this is my normal remember. I have calmed myself now. Whats done is done i say to myself. can't dwell on the past... can only look foward.

I have some time off from work. It did not happen in the normal way. It happened as a result of my latest gambling binge. Rung in sick... was panick stricken as i always am after a binge. Decided to come clean. I think they new anyway. I said cancel all my shifts. I says what is the point in working if all am gonna do is gamble it away. I went home and went to bed. I got up soon enough. I new I had to sort things out. They are good to me at work. I am liked. I am a good worker. They do not want me to go. We agree a way forward. I am grateful.

I don't want to live on the edge anymore.

I watched an espisode of Panorama on Youtube this morning. All about the effects of "Universal credit"... they need to pay rent direct to landlords, don't give it to the claiment. The goverment has no appreciation of what its like to "live on the edge".. of what its like to have mental health problems, of not being good at managing money, of struggling with computers. Its a wake up call for me to.. as I saw the consequnces of rent arrears. One chap in his fifties, on his own, just sitting on his couch looking at his eviction notice, having no idea what he was going to do or where he was going to go... "its not going to work at well" he says. The end of the road, under the bridge, suicide perhaps.

I paid my rent this month, I paid my council tax, i paid my water, I paid my virgin media, I paid my electric, I paid my token payments to creditors, I paid my tv license BUT I didn't buy any food before I started chasing the Eye of Horus feature on the bookies machines.... what a fool. But like i say... it is what it is... what is done is what is done...

Thanks for listening

24 hours since last post, no gambling... but barely able to get out of bed as I feel so depressed. Its hard to function in a society without atleast some money so I might as well just avoid it.

20 minutes later... I will get up and go for a jog. I have arms and legs that i can use, some people don't.

I am grateful for my arms and legs.

Thanks for listening.

Hope you feel better after your jog!

Well I did go for a jog... it helped a bit. Found myself speeding up at times as I got angry with myself as i remembered what I did on payday and get worried about how i will survive and eat and get to work on the small amount of money i have. When in action I forget and don't care. So sad.

Its good to see you to 🙂

I really want to stay stopped this time

Sorry to hear you have been struggling S.A. I can empathise with how you must be feeling.

On occasions in the past when I left myself next to no money to live on, I used to go on a porridge diet. 75p a kg bag from the big supermarkets and it is a struggle to eat 2 bags a week. Also it is very nutritious. Fortunately I like porridge which is probably just as well.

My thoughts are with you my friend and I sincerely hope you can find a way to overcome the urges to gamble...stephen

Hi Stephen... that's such a helpful post.. made me smile 🙂

I like porridge too and thats probably the way that i will go. But more than that you remind me of how little money you actually need to feed yourself and feed yourself reasonably healthily as well.

It feels like this is really my time, my time to stay stopped. If I carry on it will only end in suicide. What a waste of life that would have been.

No gambling.

Thansk for listening.

Avocados are full of nutrients ( no much of a taste though!) And peas too!
And ye canny beat a baked tattie! (aka potato)

It won't be long until you have some money, now you've stopped giving it to gambling.
Forget the past..It's happened and can't be changed..but the future can and you will make it happen.

You can do it! And you'll be writing about your fillet steak meal before you know it!!

Yes thanks Elizabeth... its a good while till pay day, but I will get through somehow... though not quite figured it out yet. Its much easier when having sometime off work cos I don't have to factor in bus fares etc and with some food in cupboard I can go for 2 or 3 or 4 days spending absolutely nothing.

Its rediculous isn't it... bank account plummets hundreds in a matter of an hour and then has hardly any activity on it for weeks. A classic gamblers account. It shocks me how quickly it happens.. quite literally I go into shock and panick. To be able to bottle this feeling and just have a quick sniff when the urge next strikes would be great. Cos I forget and i'd imagine that many gamblers soon forget the pain and consequnces of a heavy loss. My immense diary is a testament to that.

Anyway no gambling since last post. Spent some time with my neighbour yesterday. It makes sure i don't go the whole day without speaking to someone. Too much isolation not good for the soul and recovery from addiction any addiction.

Thanks for listening

SA
Fella I lived that life, I danced to the tune that meant every penny was not for spending but gambling, I didn't even have the rational thinking to pay the bills first, by doing so I would feel like I robbed myself of the opportunity to win that big win addiction told me that was due.
Funny thing is that on the few occasions I did pick up a win I would justify all the losses, raise the stakes and land in deeper water.
Yet through it all I could survive, get by with nothing, eat from an empty cupboard.
Bottom line is I deteriorated inwardly, I wouldn't let myself believe in any other life.
Fella there is a another life, the cycle is breakable, you have broken it many times before.
I offer my help unconditionally my old friend.
I believe that you have a belief in recovery, its yourself that you don't have belief in.
I stand by your side fella, we have for a long time now.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.