Hope

Yes S.A I know that pay day scenario...gone in a few days!
I'm sure we chatted on here years ago btw.
My old diary is still here.
It is under "Lili"
Take care

Elizabeth

Thanks both... am at that stage where its nice to know that am not alone. I deteriorated badly yesterday, just kind of sat in my flat staring into the middle distance, unable to function or do anything vaguely positive. Ended up just going to bed a safe refuge where I couldn't do any harm to myself.

Today I feel a little better, slept quite well, but still tired. All I can seemingly think of is the length of time to next payday and how long can I get away with not getting my haircut and how long I can go with spending no money.

Even with food I am being self-destructive. I need to eat normally but instead I go on sudden impulsive bouts of jam snadwich after jam sandwich washed down with lots of sugary coffee and then a short time later feeling so full and fat and constipated with a sick feeling periodically rising up my throat as my body tells me that it doesn't like what am doing.

They are removing asbestos out of the flat underneath me. Making a racket they are. Am sure the council wants to do the same with my flat but they can't cos am here.

I really don't know what to do with myself. I am not enjoying time off work. All it does is highlight how empty my life is. When all youve done recently is work and gamble or work and think about gambling then your kind of left bereft when it all comes to a stop. I guess this is the process we all have to go through when we stop gambling and start recovery.

Thanks for listening.

This time will pass, SA.

Have you ever thought of making a video diary? even if you make it just for your eyes only? Might help you through your process.

Please don't be hard on yourself. Your brain is seeking out dopamine, as you know. It's screaming for it - hence the sugarrush eating. It's way better than gambling, my dear.

f x

Hi S.A its been a long, long time since i've replied to your diary, in fact its been a good while since i've written anything at all on this whole site...not even updated my own struggles/diary, i kinda just gave up with the repeating myself over and over, round and round i went, never seem to get anywhere and still haven't..my lifes a mess..still living day to day ..still making the wrong choices..still gambling ..still not really living ,still here but at times only just hanging on....

But i just wanted to pop in and say (like others) that you are not alone ..NOT AT ALL....I've always followed your diary since i first signed up here many years ago and i continue to do so right up to this present day..

I can relate and often feel that its my life that you are describing when i read your posts....I've laugh at some of them ...I've felt very sad reading others...But you tell it how it is ..No b******t ...Just how things really are ...That i can relate too..

No you are not alone ..Not at all...

You hang in there mate

All the very best

Londonbloke

Hi S.A.

Keep going, even when times are tough we will remain strong and not give into the easy way out of gambling. Below is my reply to your comment on my diary.

ATB

Shaun

“Exactly my thoughts S.A., if they wanted to help us they could but where would they get their 21% in tax from gambling firms.

Everything is manipulated and they only tell us what they want, even the press isn’t free”

Lb.. great to hear from you as always.. and likewise you echo my thoughts.

If I read you correctly then your also not in the best of places. My commiserations.

Its daft isnt it how we seem to just go round and round and round seemingly getting nowhere. Ive also thought of just not writing anymore because "whats the point" it seems utterly pointless. Part of me thinks, stick a virtual cover on the front a virtual cover on the back and title it "compulsive gambler" (A typical story)

But I am still e*e and I am still writing. It is what it is.

I had a disagreement with a pair of clippers last night. I now have a number 1 all over... and yes I don't particularly want to have no hair but I haven't got £11 for haircut if I also want to eat.... so its bye bye hair.. hello woolly hat. When i was in rehab years ago, nobody came out with hair lol

It looks like my mate will slip me a 20 to get me through. he's also a compulsive gambler (in action), he has just got or is about to get his pension lump sum, so he's very much on the UP part of the cycle.

Anyway the sun is shining. Am going to go for a walk. I like walking. It also gets me away from the asbestos people, who are once again scrapping the ceiling underneath in their space suits. Talking of space suits... they never did go to the moon. The lying b******s!

Thanks for listening... 1 week clean.

Hello again S.A ..great to hear from you too , telling it how it really is ....Following your diary i can see you have been going through some really rough spells recently but you remain positive and upbeat always and some how you manage to pull yourself back up and are always ready to go again .(as i mentioned a long while ago now on my own diary i've been sectioned a few times during my toughest times..i really lost it, thought surely thats got to be the lowest i can go yet at the end of all that i'm still more or less now just back again at the beginning and nothings really changed)...

So credit to you my friend you keep getting knocked down and yet you get straight back up and are ready to start over and look forward...

Psychiatrists, Psychologists, Drs ..I see them all, even still now i have various appointments..yet 3 weeks , 4 weeks later, i'll end up gambling again somewhere (not online tho cos everything is blocked ) but plenty i can wak into ..and i do ..

I live on an estate in a block , we had all our ceilings ripped out too earlier in the year due to asbestos .They cordened it all off and did that space suit stuff too and we all got notices saying that we had to leave the premises for 2 days while the work was being done..etc..etc..luckily for me i had a friend to go stay with as i have no family but i later heard a few rumours that a couple of people on one floor just winged it and slept out because they had no one to go too or stay with ... not sure if it was true or not but wouldn't surprise me in this day and age because at the end of September i got police knocking at my door after they've smashed in someone elses door a few doors down from me and found the guy in there dead ..been there a few weeks and no one noticed...Heart attack, was younger than me but no one noticed he was missing...etc....I told them i've seen him maybe just a dozen times in 3 years since he moved in ....didn't even know his name ..just made me think ...i'll probably end up like that too one day.. ...All very sad, yet not uncommon nowdays so the officer told me ...

I don't know what i'm trying say ..Because Its just everyday depressing stuff that we all have to deal with ..But i think all these everyday things are a trigger for a lot of us ..we see all this doom and gloom, stress at work , problems at home ,stuck in a rut . feel worthless , useless etc etc..So off we often go to try forget it all, hope to have a bit of fun etc...Then an hour or 2 or whatever later, we walk back home with things 10 times worse than they were when we left them...

Its bloody hard to stop..plain and simple but there are many on here that have done it and are doing it ...every day...sadly i'm not yet one of them but from reading your diary it does makes me stop and think ..(i mean really think ) so i thank you for that

Small steps

You takecare and keep strong S.A

Thanks for your thoughts Lb... 🙂

Well done on the clean week. It’s madness the way we keep going back. I pray gamstop is going to be a massive help for me keep going mate

An extremely difficult day. But ive always told it as it is on my diary. I decided to see if i could get any credit from any pay day loan company and as it turned out I could. I promptly went and blew it in the bookies and then felt like I wanted to die. Phoned samaritans, thoughts of stabbing myself in the arm. This is my rock bottom when i want to stab myself. I didn't. Aired a few thoughts on netline and then went to work. Work helped as it was busy and I had to focus on other peoples crisies and it helped bring me back from the brink... back from a very dark place. Plan of action....

Visit my local bookmakers (obviously with no money in my pocket) and remind them that am self-excluded and ask them to challenge me if they see go in again. I have some photos that they can keep behind the counter for all staff to see.

Make appointment to see my Gp, talk through my issues, get on some anti-depressants.

Attend GA meeting.

I can do this.

Thanks for listening

Sorry to hear this. You are doing all the right things now, though.

Take care,

f x

I slept like a log. Not long woken. I needed that. I feel a little clearer of mind body and soul. Need meds for anxiety I think. Thats probably what underlies my addiction. Gambling soothes me. Its not really about money is it.

Today I remind the bookmakers of there responsibility to support problem gamblers like myself. What is the point in self-exclusion if the onus is 100% on the gambler not to go in and gamble??.. we are talking about addiction here, surely the gambling industry needs to take some pro-active measures to help people like me. Why I am here having a rant... What is the point on having these silly messages coming up on the screen, that you can just click away in a few seconds and carry on gambling. How does this help the problem gambler??.... its all a joke.

Thanks for listening

SA
Fella put it out there, through doing so I believe that you will gain mental strength.
For me the truth is that the government and the gambling industry refuse to acknowledge that there are addicts created through the compulsion to gamble.
They all refuse to use the word addiction, instead we are labelled problem gamblers.
The irony is the gambling industry want you to gamble.
Look at the fobt
Do non addicts play the fobt, I can honestly say that I have never seen it and I spent a great deal of time sat at them.
That for me is the cold hard truth.
From that I don't get angry, because if I do it causes me to want retribution.
The only way I can do that is to Abstain.
Fella take care of yourself, make that doctors appointment.
Walk through the door of a ga meeting.
Simply because you are worthy.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back

This is a loving, gentle tone with which I ask this question - it's hard to convey that in typeface - what would it take for you to believe you were worth being happy? to feel deserving of a happy life?

I do think a lot of your lapses are due to the strong chemical changes that gambling has created within your body, your dopamine system will be very out of whack, you know this. So, on this score, give yourself a break. It's no minor thing to live and function while ignoring these cravings for a dopamine rush. In the longer term, after a period of sobriety, I do feel this is an issue about how you feel about yourself, that increases the chances of relapse. On some level do you push the calm and safety away? When it feels like the right time, I would love for you to think about self-worth and where you might have vulnerabilities in this area. I hope this has come across as respectful and not interfering or patronising.

I have seen solid improvement over the years, truly, in your ability to be kind to yourself. Would love to see you continue to build on this.

Take care,

f x

Hi SA, This is the first time I have posted on your diary although I have been looking in from time to time for some time now. Today I feel compelled to post to say you deserve the support you are getting from us all on here. Being open and honest about your feelings is not easy and I'm glad that you feel safe to do so on here. I have relapsed many times along my journey but I know the fight is worth something, I am worth something and I hope you can learn to feel that way too. Gambling doesn't care about you but people do and we all want you to do well. I hope this time you manage to turn your back on gambling for good and live the life you deserve. Good luck in your fight. Stand strong and remember we are all here to support you.