Hope

Hi Sa I'm new to your diary but just read the past month and am pleased to see your persavearance under pressure after a binge. Please on the day u get paid buy ten kgs of porridge to make sure if nothing else you have that if it happens again oh and lots of tins of soup there healthy. Itwill be delivered thru online too as you wont be able to carry it all back or if you do very good excersize. Pleased to see you got ur extreme haircut I like a short look I'm sure it helped u feel better. The quote about the moon cracked me up. Live long and prosper ,adam

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Thanks... I appreciate the supportive comments.

Yesterday was a good day. I actually did what i said i was going to do. I went around my local bookmakers and informed them that i was excluded. As it turned out some of my exclusions had lapsed with the passage of time, so i re-excluded directly with them... and then when i got home I renewed my exclusions from all the bookmakers within a bus ride through the national scheme... all 59 of them! Ive also signed up with my Gp so i can make appoinments etc online.

Its strange I feel so much better today. I know there will be tough times ahead. But what i did on sunday was my final kick up the a**e to start taking recovery seriously.

Thanks for listening

🙂

Ive received my log in details for doctors. Nice to be able to book an appointment online, no long waits on the phone. Its not until11th december mind but thats ok. Ive started taking citalopram that ive got left over from a couple of years ago (its still in date)... i think by the 11th it will start to have kicked in, so that would be a good time to review things with doctor. I nearly didn't make the appointment becuase ive been feeling fine for much of the day but then mid afternoon onwards my mood plummeted. I went for a walk to try and lift my mood but i just eneded up feeling moody and stressed. It seemed every time i went to cross a road loads of cars would appear and I just wanted to kick them and then people were seemingly getting in the way and I just wanted to kick them to... I didnt of course. I realise that am not quite right and meds may help me.

One positive was that i bumped into the young lady that id spoken with yesterday in the bookies... she said well done for excluding... my new exclusion form had been sent through today. She said she'd kick me out if i came in... we both laughed.

Thanks for listening.

The funny thing is I met someone who works in a bookie I used to go to and I said that i excluded and he said you're not welcome anymore and I haven't been in since. Maybe walking in each one and telling them is the way to go as you think u don't want to see that person.

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Yes Adam I agree, thats precisely why I did it.

I feel as sure as I can be that am not going to walk into any of my local bookmakers.

It was a fairly positive day yesterday. I functioned alot better at work and was more social. Somehow my immediate financial problems don't feel so stark and worrying. For me its the fear of suddenly blowing what little I do have that causes the stress and anxiety, but now that I have built up more barriers I feel a little safer from myself... if that makes sense. Well it makes sense to me anyway. Its a frightening experience to suddenly empty your bank account in a very short space of time. I never want to do that again. This is finally my time to recover.... am changing my thinking..

Thanks for listening

You are making more progress than you think, I believe. Your stress chemicals will still be pumping quite high, so the wanting to kick cars should hopefully pass soon. I have had similar experiences when stressed and run down. You have moments of feeling like a toddler.

Thanks Freda... and yes I feel like this is my time. Some thing has changed within me. Am determined just to live life on lifes terms, come what may.

No gambling.

Thanks for listening.

Well another 24 hours has passed without gambling. For that I am thankful.

I was depressed yesterday, kept going back to bed... but I think its what my mind body and soul wanted to do.

Am gearing up to go to work... once am out the door I think I will be ok.

I appreciate that recovery is very gradual process and I won't necessarilly feel like am recovering for quite some time and certainly not after just 8 days.

Thanks for listening

Still here 🙂

Take care,

f x

Thanks f... am finding it hard, very low in mood today, struggled at work but tried my best not to let it show. Day off tomorrow thats a relief. No real thoughts of gambling so thats a good thing.

Am feeling normal today. Am well rested. Have done a little cleaning and tidying around the flat and its nice not to be at work. I kind of realise that what i do for a job is quite emotionally and sometimes physically demanding. Working in social care with vulnerable people is never easy and the responsibility can (at times) be quite overwhelming, so its good that i work less, which of course I can afford to do IF I don't gamble..... 10 days free... its a start.

Thanks for listening.

Another day gambling free. Ive worked alot of hours over the last couple of days, which is ok, cos am giving myself alot of time off over christmas. I need time away from work to get to grips with myself. Its hard to work on myself when am just tired from working all the time. Even travelling to work and back feels like a job of work.

Anyway am approaching 2 weeks gamble free. I am a little calmer, if a little nervous about payday. I don't really know how much I will be paid or how much this loan company will take straight out of my account, but whatever happens I won't be gambling... sufficient blocks are in place. This really does feel like my time.... its been long enuff coming...

Thanks for listening

Happy to hear you in good spirits. Understandable there are low points too.

You're doing great!

No gambling since last post.

Just been to the doctors. He wanted to do a health check on me. Ive put on exactly 9kg since I as last weighed in 2014. Am turning into a fatso. But not if I have anything to do with it... back on the running!

Thanks for listening