Hope

No gambling since last post.

Well its pre-christmas pay day and ive paid everything that I need to pay. Normally i'd now be off to see if I can win some money, but not this time, blocks in place. I will live a normal life with the money I have.

Thanks for listening

Dear S.A.

I am back on the site reading and posting and I’ve just spent a portion of time catching up on your diary.

I sincerely hope you continue on the right path and find your way to total freedom from this awful mess which is gambling. You’re a lovely soul.

I loved your previous quote from a while back - I have arms and legs so will use them. Some people can’t.

I haven’t been able to run since August due to Patella problem. I started gambling again around this time. No idea if there is a connection but I know that running outdoors in any weather brings me mental clarity and natural well- being and I have missed this. Gyms do not supply the same feeling. I long for the day I can get back to morning runs before work. Cannot ever recall having a bad day that started with 5 miles on the road.

Take care, charge on.

Tomso.

Thanks Tomso and likewise I hope you can also find your way to total freedom. Its terrible how this addiction can re-emerge after long periods of abstinence. Perhaps we just start to forget the carnage that it caused. Keeping in touch with the consequences is key I think and thats where places like this can help.

Well am 3 weeks clean today. Pay day has come and gone. For the first time in ages I have more than nothing in my bank account, bills paid.

Am feeling a bit under the weather mind and tired. Yesterday was a tough shift at work and ive got to start thinking about christmas presents but atleast ive got the funds to buy some.

Onwards...

Day 22

Ive woken in a bad mood this morning or rather I have been woken up by the council workmen drilling in the flat below at 8 a.m. It wouldn't bother me so much if it wernt for the fact that i was persuaded to swap my shift to the late cos the person doing it is moaning about having to work with a particular person and wants to do the early. I rather think that ive been "played" cos she knows that i like her. I hate it when women manipulate men, cos they know they are pretty and can get away with it. It won't happen again.

Anyway no gambling and no thoughts of gambling.

My comments in previous post were misplaced. I think I just get a bit paranoid when tired.

Anyway am on my christmas break... 9 days of not working. Must admit it has given rise to a few bad "thoughts" cos I know that January pay will be a lot less due to the working less. My gambling head says just top the bank account up a bit. Its b****x thinking but the thoughts exist. Of course I know exactly what would happen in reality... another ruined christmas... am not gonna ruin it!

Thanks for listening

Just read my last post on the 19th December about having gambling thoughts. Alas I acted on them and gambled away my money the same day, instead of buying christmas presents. I walked into a branch of shipleys that am banned from knowing all too well that it was several years ago that i did my 5 year exclusion so chances are my face would have long been forgotten. Anyway done my b******s and then walked up to staff and said i was excluded... to be fare the manager apologised. He says they do challenge people but because I did a paper form and the exclusions are now all online then they didn't know. I went through all the usual let down emotions and then the panick of trying to scrape together some money for exmas but then I actually had quite a nice christmas with family... on the surface at any rate.. under neath all the self-loathing and shame continued.

My mum informed me that ive been written out of her will... she is not prepared to take the risk that I would gamble it. Which given how i have been for 20 years is perfectly understandable and i told her this. I think it was more upsetting for her than it was for me. I kind of expecting it really. Its tough love... she done the right thing.

On the way home I gambled a small amount of money in a fruit machine. I really don't know why really, other than being an addict... that was on the 29th.. I haven't gambled since. I haven't gambled this year. I don't make any prenoucements about anything anymore. Just up dating my diary.

Thanks for listening

Hi SA,

You're doing just great despite the lapses. I have found that although I aim for complete abstinence, I rarely achieve it. However, if I look at where I am with gambling today, as opposed to a few years ago, Ifind ive made good progress. I think you have too.

f x

Thanks Freda but I do wonder whether I will ever be able to free myself from this curse called gambling. I did it again on Monday after a while off it. It was bad as well. I did everything and also left myself with no food and 3 weeks till pay day. Managed to get yet another loan and will now be able to feed myself and stay alive. Am working loads at the moment and exhausting myself by walking everywhere to save myself a few quid... its very sad life am leading. Work is also very stressy at times... people going off sick constantly. I feel real sorry for people who need care cos they just get lots of random people whom don't know what they are doing. Both seniors are having break downs... working in social care sends people over the edge. Who ever thought it was a good idea to have multiple care providers going to the same project??.... you end up saying to vulnerable people... sorry I can't help you cos we are not your care provider.... fragmented care is killing people off early... maybe that was the plan all along. Sorry its just me being synical.

Anyway life goes on. Got to try and focus on myself and get well and stop having these stupid pointless binges on machines that are designed to take your money. I travelled this time to an area am not excluded from and lost all my money within an hour. silly sod I am. Ive put myself so much hardship over the last 3 years especially, am shortening my life in the process. Its a strange thing that I have no compulsion to gamble today at all and yet all it takes is one mad moment of craving and I do alot of damage to myself...

... and so we contiunue

Awful, you should read back your own posts, your words make me not want to gamble! Keep up the fight, one day you will manage x

Honestly are you ever going to stop doing this to yourself. You have been on here for years and you see good post that you have not gambled. Then within a few days or weeks you have gambled again. How do you keep gambling? Surely your self excluded got blocks in place. You just seem to work hard then just chuck your money away. Then get into even more debt.

Well my life is what it is. Atleast I don't just dissappear, like most people do when they go back to it... or then come back later under a new name and a new diary. Its an honest account of how things have been... probably the only place I can just tell it as it is. Addiction isn't just something that just goes away with some self-exclusions. So anyway (Pall)... I hope your life is fantastic and "You" feel good about yourself being able to tell people to sort themselves out. Don't you think I already know this....?

No gambling since my last post

Why do people carry on smoking knowing that its going to kill them??

Why do people continue eating all the pork pies when they know its going to kill them??

Why do people continue drinking to excess when they know its going to kill them??

They really do need to sort themselves out!... job done

I did not mean to sound harsh I apologies. I can tell your a good person and work hard. My life ain’t great.

Boro... I owe you an apology. Your perfectly right in what you say. I just haven't been working recovery. Am angry with myself really. I shouldn't take it out on other people. I know your a good person too and thankyou for taking the time to read my thoughts. Regards.. S.A

No you don’t owe me an apology. I should not have said what I did. Like you said if life was that easy we would not still be on here after all these years. Plus we would not be so stupid with our money. I meant nothing by it just a have read your diary since I came on here 7 or 8 years ago. you have to be congratulated for keep coming back with the same diary like you said people come back with new diary.