Hope

Morning world,

No gambling since last post. Feeling low in mood today, which I guess is no surprise given what am going through. Fingers continue to heal but going to work the last couple of days has done them no favours, some of the stitching has snapped just from silly things like helping put someones socks and shoes on. In an ideal world I wouldn't have gone in, but when because of my addiction and debts and getting no sick pay it gets way too stressy in my thoughts not to be having the money ticking over. I need to get on a proper contract. They gave me a sick note for 3 weeks and if i got sick pay I could have handed it in and not worried. Need to be good to myself and get on a proper contract.

My flat is a builders site... but atleast they have actually been here doing some work. They have put in some cupboards and work surfaces which look good. Trouble is they have boxed my washing machine in with no indication of how am gonna connect it up to the pipes. I hope they sort it. Same with the cooker. Me being me I kind of expect them to say... "its not our responsibility mate". Anyway they are atleast doing stuff.

My kettle broken. Microwave hanging on in there. Its amazing how relieant we all become on out white goods and electricity. It the deep state really wanted to f**k us all over an electromagnetic pulse would do the trick.

Ive had some thoughts of gambling. I always do really, they never fully go away, but am strong enuff to resist them at the moment. I remember someone at ga saying that when he was in hospital he used to go out in his hospital gowns with drip and all to place his bets. Injury and illness doesn't stop the addicted gambler...and its never stopped me. But anyway no gambling today. Am staying in and try to sort my flat a bit and get some air in my flat. Ive been breathing in dust and stuff all night...am sure my lungs loved that.

Thanks for listening.

Morning world,

Woke up feeling depressed but have since been out running and spoke to other human beings. 1 hour 20 mins slow jog did the trick... better than anti-depressants though I acknowledge that anti-ds do have there place, its just am not taking them at the moment.

Kitchen is coming along. Current concern is that workmen have boxed my washing machine in with no means for me to attached the pipes or even plug it in. I'd imagine they will be back to sort it out though. The dust and dirt and mess I can cope with, its a temporary thing.

Am just coping with work. My fingers are healing but its a steady process and there are certain work calls that i can't do for fear of ripping the stitches. But work has been accomodating and I spend my time giving meds rather than hoisting. But its still a bit iffy, sometimes the slightest thing can snap a stitch and lead to a small bleed. Hopefully am now past the bleeding stage. Finger still has little feeling but in time things may change.

So all in all am coping and working through lifes problems day by day without hitting the self-destruct button. Thoughts of a gamble persist though... its very early days this time round. I always think that gambling has got me beat and I will never do it again but when things start to improve my gambling head starts to work on me. I recognise the need to keep talking and thats why historically ive written so much... cos it does help... just getting stuff out of my system. Its very easy for me to ruminate in my own company and somehow make gambling as a good thing despite years of evidence to the contrary. The gambling has always allowed me to switch off from the stress of life and thats why i don't stop even if i do win. I know this logically and intellectually but emotionally I can be quite child like.. even at the age I am now.

Anyway today is a good day. No gambling. Thanks for listening.

Morning world,

Well am in the library killing time. Its deathly quiet even though its busy, no kids... perfect. Better to be here than killing time in the bookmakers, which probably is what alot of my gambling is about... passing time and supposedly winning money and having fun. It never works out that way though does it? But over the years ive kept on kidding myself that somehow things will be different this time... but it never is. My compulsion to carry on gambling regardless never has and never will make any sense.Anyway am here in the library because I needed to get out the flat before any workmen arrived but am too early to go to work.

Ive got my fingers taped up today. I got told off at work for leaving it uncovered...infection and all that, which is fair enuff... it just seems to heal better when its not covered and is not getting all hot and sweaty.

Not sure what else to say other than no gambling for me today.

Thanks for listening.

Hi SA,

Hope fingers are healing day by day and yes, having them taped up does remove ability from free movement and of course delays healing process...but, safety first huh and we don't want them wounds opening up again.

Library is really good choice! I signed up to my local one and even if i only go there to print some paperwork when needed, i do appreciate the peace and quiet there.

I hope you're having a good day :-)..it's raining outside and tbh I didn't go for outdoor run for ages anyway but a plan is to go to the gym for a little workout before shift tonight.

Keep active, keep being kind to you...& Well...keep slaying that Dragon 😉

Keep up good work - OAU

S&B xx

Morning world and thank you for popping in S x

No gambling since last post. Day off today. Been working lots the last few days just so I can stay out my flat and let the workmen do what they do. It seems like most of the major work is done... cupboards, work surfaces in, some tiling and new floor tiles. Some bits and bobs need doing but when they gone I will puts some paint on the walls and will then have a kitchen thats worth doing some cooking in.

Fingers are not too bad.. they have blood flow.. so thats good enuff for me 🙂

Some thoughts of gambling but am able to bat them away. Its amazing how little money I actually spend when am not "at it".

Anyway, all for now... life goes on... and thanks for listening

SA,

Hey buddy, so true what you say. It’s amazing how little money we actually spend on ourselves when not gambling. When I quit for over 4 years I had more money in my bank than I ever had previously when gambling. I wouldn’t even spend it I would just allow it to build and build.

I’m just back from a 5 mile run. It feels great to be able to run and already the times are coming down although I’ve got a long way to go. Looking forward to the light mornings. Something very special about running before the world awakes.

Glad to hear those fingers are getting better.

Enjoy your day.

Tomso

Hi SA,

I'm almost setting off for that dinner in new kitchen 😉 .

Good to read your uplifting spirit. It's not all that bad when fog descents and clear skies shows up huh

You're right, living in ones head for too long can be harmful, added few addictions to the mix it can also be a disaster waiting to happen. I'm nowhere near in understanding myself better, sometimes I feel like I step few steps forward..but I seem to revert back and cycle repeats itself again. Can be frustrating indeed.

Talking helps. Always did. Last two days I become a little chatter box at work, but am completely opposite at home . Maybe cause I have no one to talk to..ha!

I don't know..maybe baby steps forward will unsolved our issues. What I found out is that giving up is not an option. I do understand desparate feeling sometimes..proper mayhem inside the head...but..there is strength within us and it's truly plausible.

I am very proud of you!

Keep moving forward one step at a time.

Hope day progressing well, make it a good one!

S&B xx

Afternoon world and thank you buddies for your supportive words... 🙂

Pleased to report that no gambling since my last post. Trouble is pay day is once again just around the corner. I need to try and do things differently this time... cos am sure that the usual thoughts and feelings and temptations will come my way. Ove the last couple of years pay day seems to happen like this...

I find out the day before exactly how much I will get. It varies depending on what hours I have worked etc etc. I note down the figure and then take off things that I have GOT to pay... ie rent, priority debts, payments to creditors etc. With one or two months exceptions (ie when i had completely lost the plot) I always pay these things BUT then there is always "am amount" left over.

Now for normal people... they may think FOOD, shopping, clothes but I don't, I think gambling... my sick head does not see food as a priority... my sick head says gamble first buy food after. Its like do you see the mindset? Do you see my psychological make up? .... I satisfy everybody else (the council, the tax man, the electric, debt companies) as far as I can anyway. But I don't satisfy myself with food even though I love to eat. I don't look after myself first. Of course the inevitable often happens... gamble... lose...spend the rest of the month eating porridge and bread... repeat repeat repeat.

Can people relate to this? (am sure you can)

This month I will do a shop online. I like my food. I want a varied diet lol

Thanks for listening.

Morning world,

Well am waiting for the rain to stop and the sun to rise and then I will go out for a jog. Quite a long one if I can manage it. Am doing a half marathon at the end of the month.. so I need to be in reasonable shape. Nothing worse than getting to mile 11 and then starting to walk/jog which is what happened last year on the back of no training cos I was so f****d from gambling.

The sad thing is though that i continued to gamble on and off for the rest of the year and into this year and thoughts persist despite all the damage that ive done to myself over my life time so far.... 16 days clean seems like a life time at the moment.

Thanks for listening

SA,

Just keep letting those days build up. It’s easier to not gamble at 116 days than it is at 16.

Enjoy your run. I envy you. I’d love to be readying myself for a half marathon at the end of this month.

Tomso

Morning world,

Had a bad day yesterday. two hour bus ride to the hospital, 4 hours waiting around.. to then be informed by the occupational therapist that I needed to wear a splint for 24 hours a day for 6 weeks whilst the tendon repaired itself. To which I replied that its not realistic in my world as I don't have money and i don't get sick pay and i cant do my job wearing a splint. To which I had a look of utter incredultity and disgust that I was clearly wasting her time. I felt terrible really terrible and yes then went off and gambled in the nearest bookmaker. I am so weak.

This is what gambling has done to me. Am living completely on the edge. I have to work or I potentially lose the roof over my head. It reminds me of someone at work whom was having a right old moan and said "I don't need this job, my husband earns lots of money".... but she doesn't leave does she... just moans more. She doesn't realise how lucky she is to have that option, to have that comfort, to have that "back stop".

Anyway, I wasn't gonna post and if i was gonna post I was gonna lie and just ignore the fact that id gambled and carry on with the day count.... but no... its pointless, am only lying to myself.

By the way if your tempted to have a pop at me because "i should no better after all this time" then please don't post as i feel rubbish enuff as it is.

Thansk for listening.

Hi S.A.

That sounds like an awful day and a lot of disappointment for anyone to take. I don't expect anyone on here to be criticising you for your actions of yesterday. Life can be really hard and sometimes so much happens all at once and we react in the only way we know. So I can relate to your actions. What's done is done regarding the gambling of yesterday. That is confined to history once again and you get to start all over today.

You have a problem with your ability to do your job over the next six weeks and you need to work to be able to afford your accomodation payments. I don't know the answer to that. All I can say is that you will find a way. You are an extremely resourceful charachter who has bounced back from several set backs in life. You will do the same again this time around.

I hope you get to experience peace and tranquility and the present worries of today become something of your past.

Take care of you and realise that this is only temporary.

Tomso.

Hi, SA

I've not been around for a while. Just catching up with you. I can relate to your experience regarding no next of kin. For 10 years it was my husband then when we were going through our divorce, had to get checked out for heart palpitations and was asked for the first time. It really, really, stung. I totally get it. Just another thing you didn't even know you were taking for granted.

Was also nodding along to your post about not being able to feel a limb and how much we take mobility for granted. I have those moments quite often these days. "Oh, wow! I can see! Aren't I lucky to have working eyes!" "Wow! I can run on a treadmill! Isn't being fit and healthy a blessing!" Weird.

I started gambling for a while. Stopped again now but I struggle to have determination and motivation to stay stopped. I don't know where it went. The more time that passes, the more that I relate to your ups and downs in recovery. There aren't really any right words to say but I do get it.

Hey SA,

Thinking about you buddy. I hope you are coping ok.

Speak again soon.

Tomso

hey thanks cyber buddies... am hanging on in there.

I have self-excluded from a whole new raft of bookmakers, which feels good to do.

My finger is still a useless digit the top half of which is numb, but atleast the surgery wounds are healing.

Work is tiring but ok.

Not much else to say just now.... will update when it happens

Thanks for listening