Hope

Well its been a while since my last post. My world is still objectively quite bleak. over the last 3 years I havent gone more than 6 weeks without a gamble. Sad isnt it. Ive just been living the life of a compulsive gambler... on the edge...financially, psycholgically and emotionally.

I was up this morning at 4.20.... walked to work rather than renew my bus pass. I need to buy my nephew a birthday present..don't want to lose face by saying that ive been at it again... so I choose to the porridge oats diet and lots of walking... so i can get him his voucher. Am living day to day just getting by... but only just. In truth much of my life has been like this... ive never really known any different... its my normal.

On a positive I did run a half marathon the other day... over two hours mind... but nethertheless a little residual fitness remains and I enjoyed it. Was nice to see the family too.

I have it within me to change. Am pleased that Gamstop is so effective. I did try the other week to sign up to some sites and got nowhere... so its effective.

Thanks for listening

We will all get there one day mate. Stay positive

We will all get there one day mate. Stay positive

Ive found my diary... it still exists... nothing else to say at this moment in time.. regards to all

Hi SA,

I'm glad you found your diary and that you're still around. No pressure to write. Just stopping by to say hello and to rest a minute. Took me a couple of weeks to figure out how to log on. Still can't find my diary though.. :-O

Am glad your diary has been found Judy.

I am unwell and Ive been gambling. Ive become deeply withdrawn and paranoid. Today I think that my boss is deliberately not signing off my shifts. Most of my behaviours are compulsive and self-destructive

I maintain the façade of living a normal life but only just. 

Hi SA,

Bless your heart and I so wish I could help you with a feeling I know too well myself.

I don't really know what to say, except - don't loose hope & never give up on giving up.

Why not to look into therapy? Maybe it would help you to join some dots?. I know its not easy and we both know it requires patience, time And hard inward work But who else can do it if not us ourselves. 

Stay strong my friend, day at a time

Xx

Thanks for your thoughts but to be honest I don't think therapy is the way forward for me. I think when all is said and done, recovery comes from within. I have had therapy before. It is nice to have someone listen unconditionally and non-judgementally but at the end of the day, therapists can only make observations they can't effect change... that's down to the individual, that's down to me. I am quite self-aware I just choose to ignore my issues much of the time.

I have stopped gambling once more because Ive decided to stop gambling once more. I have become psychologically very unwell and I was gambling simply for the sake of gambling... it has served no purpose other than self-destruction. Ive spent hours sitting in bookmakers just pressing the button, winning and losing but always eventually losing because I couldn't stop. I just couldn't stop. I have also observed others doing exactly the same as me. A chap sitting next to me decided to play the same slot that I was playing. The only difference was that I was playing 20p spins (cos I was nearly bust) and he was playing £2 spins. No kidding, he put £1000's in chasing the £500 jackpot... eventually he got of course, but he was still hundreds down... he wasn't going stop was he... why would he??

These new generation slot machines seem to be even more evil than the old ones. They can go for hundreds and pay you next to nothing and then suddenly pay a lot, but mostly not. They drive people crazy. They have driven me crazy, once more. Ive have now excluded from even more bookmakers. 

I have also excluded from a very well known website that is not covered by gamstop probably because its not technically an online casino but it does nethertheless have instant win games which I have blown a bunch of money on.... and driven me to a new level of madness. But I have now stopped because I choose to stop.

Recently I was also very paranoid, thinking that my boss had refused to authorize my shifts and pay cos she wanted me out. This is not the case, but my gambling had addled my mind and put me into such a high state of stress particularly about money that I couldn't see the wood for the tree's. Its all been sorted now but at the time it was all a great catastrophy that would end in homelessness and suicide. I have now returned into a more normal way of thinking and being.

Thanks for listening

Yeah them fobt are crazy mate. The only way we are ever going to win is if we stop totally. Which we will have to keep trying 

Exactly Boro… As anybody who is not a gambling addict might say "just stop gambling"

I haven't gambled for a while, a short while. One thing that does stop me gambling is the prospect or mere thought of going hungry. I could gamble the small amount of money I have available but then I would have no food and that motivates me not to gamble. I like food. I like to eat.

Am just back from Asda. I buy wholesome food when I have very little money. Whole meal bread (often on offer), pasta, potatoes, baked beans. Stuff that fills you up, slow release energy, keeps me alive and functioning. No crisps, chocolate or anything that I can just eat instantly when I get home. This includes cereal cos I will the whole box within a day and that means I will run out of milk too.. which would mean no milk for my coffee. I am a caffeine addict... but I won't give this up, cos the consequences of drinking lots of coffee are negligible. In fact I red a study that said that caffeine cuts your risk of developing type 2 diabeties by half. So anyway, today I feel a sense of relief that I won't go hungry. The cupboards aren't not completely devoid of nourishment.

I am happy today that I am not working. I have been getting up at 4 recently and leaving to walk to work at 5...getting to work at 6.30 to start for 7 and then walking home after the shift. It's a mixed blessing. Obviously on the one hand I do this to save money but then on the other hand there is an element of self-punishment for my gambling antics. The same principle as cutting yourself except in this case am exhausting myself instead. 

In reality I find the walk in the morning quite refreshing and enjoyable and healthy, very few people about, very few cars and good walking weather...cool but dry. The walk home is a hard slog, tired after a days graft, warm sun, lots of traffic, pollution and people... that's the self-punishment part for stupidly putting my money into slot machines.

When I get home I go to bed and lie there for a bit... and then get up and watch random weird stuff on YouTube. I have little interest in the lies and dis-information and tittle tattle and irrelevance of mainstream channels. On days off I am back running again. My only healthy pleasure. I feel myself starting to get fitter once more. I need to run a marathon this year.

I am very reclusive at the moment (even for me). I keep meaning to pick up the phone and call someone but I haven't been able to do it. Of course if I stop phoning people then they stop phoning me and I fall deeper and deeper into isolation. Even when I do speak to someone I feel like I have nothing to say at all. My socialness is at work. At home I am silent.

I am looking forward to my run in a while.

Thanks for listening

Hi S.A.

Well done on prioritising self-care through continuing to feed yourself nourishing meals and doing exercise. I can see that you are being honest in your analyses but concerned to hear that you feel the need to punish yourself (many callers speak to us of feelings of regret and guilt but also how these fade over time). Although quiet time for reflection (especially after a busy day at work) can be helpful to some please try not to let yourself get increasingly isolated. You are correct in that the drive for recovery comes from within yourself but it is also recommended to have the support of others whether that is family and friends or professionals or both.

Feel free to contact us on the Helpline 0808 8020 133 or Netline for a one-to-one conversation.

Best Wishes

Forum Admin

Thank you Admin for your thoughts. I am ok. Some more thoughts...

At work I am a different animal... to how I am at home. At work I feel alive and purposeful through helping others, always have done. I thrive when helping others. But when I leave work and am left to my own devices I retreat into my own world and my own thoughts. I have no idea what to do, what to say, where to go and how to be. I am the classic middle aged man lacking means, identity, purpose and any meaningful sense of self. Just like back in the 1990's when in my 20's when I felt much the same and then I discovered gambling to self-medicate. If we lived in a gun culture and I had access to a gun I would have shot myself back then for sure... not a shadow of a doubt.

Please don't read this post wrong though. I am not suicidal. I am actually quite cheerful today. Iv'e been on a 2 hour run and really enjoyed it, I will run a marathon before the year is out.... Its just I like to say my thoughts as they are.... and think them through. I totally get why white middle aged men kill themselves. They have had it good for so many decades but in the last 20 years or so... its like we have become redundant. Not really needed anymore especially if your not strong and powerful and a man of means. That's what our culture demands isn't it...entrepeneurs and success... but the reality is that many men are just not like that, me included...average Joe just looks around and thinks... what's this place all about then and how do I fit in???

Anyway like I say... am ok... please no worried replies. Am ok... I will seek more support when am ready. Ultimately we all figure things out for ourselves and we all find a way that suits ourselves. Am on that journey just like everyone else. I know I am not alone....

((((((((((((((((SA))))))))))))))) ❤❤❤❤

You ARE WORTH IT.

S&B xx

Hi SA

Just swinging by to catch up on how you're doing. I have only just learned how to use this new website. I say new, it's probably been like this for months.

f x

Nice to see familiar names... thanks for dropping in.

Well I finally made an effort to get myself out of the funk that ive been in... Ive spent much of the day lying in bed and watching weird stuff on You tube channel and generally feeling depressed and stressing about money.

But then this evening (once the rain had stopped) I forced myself to go out for a run and then came home and made some calls, had some chats and felt better for doing so.

As is so often the case for me. I get into a psychologically bad place but then I pull myself back from the brink before I do anything daft.

Haven't gambled

Thanks for listening