Hope

Hope today is a better day S.A.

You have full rights to be upset about work situation. You work hard and shouldn't be the one chasing the paycheck and worry how to survive for the rest of the week. 

People who are responsible for noting the hours should do the work better...

Wishing you well, look after you.

Step by step to the right direction.

Thank you for your thoughts everyone 🙂

Am back to a more normal way of thinking and being and no gambling.... though am thinking of excluding myself from even more bookmakers. In fact I will. What I find happens is that when I close down the options for gambling at bookies in a certain area my addictive head starts thinking about other areas and places I could go to. My addiction never gives up without a fight.

Financially I should be ok now. Ive been reassured that I will be paid what am owed come pay day... and am all up to date with priority bills, so that's good.

Another piece of good news is that am running a half-marathon next weekend, which might sound like hell for some.. but for me is very enjoyable. I will have a cold beer at the end of it. I didn't run it last year because of gambling and I didn't run it the year before because of gambling.... something of a theme doing on there. I remind myself of how my gambling affects all areas of my life.

Thanks for listening

I can relate to the frustration of people having power over us, to send the money and not trusting them to do it because it makes us incredibly vulnerable. It threatens our safety. It forced you to do something very out of your comfort zone, having to pester someone and assert yourself. I can very much relate to this. It does get easier. Someone at some point, taught us it's not OK to have needs. It is OK, though. They were talking out of their b*m 😉

…. and I have had to pester again Freda. Pay roll has sent me a print out of the 41 hours that were authorized at the last moment, but not the 100 or so hours from the rest of the month that had already been authorized and presumably downloaded to be paid... but have they??….. again I need reassurance. Like you say I feel incredibly vulnerable.... I just don't trust them... its horrible to feel this way.

I think that every time ive tried to leave my diary, ive always been brought back to it, as if some divine intervention has occurred. Writing about my addiction is what I was always meant to do

I am of the thinking that we are all part of one consciousness that we are all here to have an experience and every thing that happens or doesn't happen is what is meant to be.

I sense that my gambling career is now over. I have urges to gamble and then I spontaneously take action to make it harder for me to act upon them. I am stepping off the merry go round. My time is now.

Thanks for listening

Well done S.A. you have finally broken through and reached a knew level of understanding.  You're right of course, we're all part of a greater consciousness and this is just a ride.  Everything you've ever considered important, material things, money, success, failure, identity, wealth, poverty, fear, confidence, life and death itself are all truly meaningless and a distraction from the truth.  You gambled your way to reach this point of understanding, nothing was truly wasted, all that accumulated s**t has become a rich compost from which you can now grow spiritually and with gnosis.  I'm not talking about Religion either, it's bigger than that.  I've read your journey over the years, the ups and downs, I admired your resilience even when you were hard on yourself, you were honest and never gave up.  I rooted for you.

You must now examine your conditioning and jettison everything this society has imposed upon you which is both worthless and damaging.  Gambling is fundamentally worthless yet it was invaluable for it's brought you to this point of initial self understanding.  This is just the beginning of a new level S.A. and I'm very happy for you. 

Thank you Lazarus.... I know this might sound a bit sickly soppy, but its almost as if my guardian angels have sent you to post what you have posted... and for that I am very grateful.

Another positive day today. Am all excited about running the half-marathon tomorrow. I even notice that a cold front is coming south which may well make the running conditions just perfect!

Time to start enjoying my life.

Thanks for listening

My resting heart rate this morning was 46 beats per minute, which according to google means that I am an athlete!

Just thought i'd tell the world!! 😉

Hi... well am just under 6 foot too... but heavier than your good self.. about 14 stone.. so quite a heavy runner 

I started running about 15 years ago. At my fittest I did a half marathon in 1 hour 44 minutes. Those days are long gone now, but hey ya never know. This time I will be happy with 2 hours 10 mins as its off road (canal path) and am less fit and getting older.

Like you say... running is great for the mind body and soul 🙂

Well first things first. I am now excluded from 88 bookmakers Ive just added 4 to the list. I was on the bus on the way to my run yesterday and I spotted a bookmaker that I didn't even know existed. I had to exclude as soon as possible because its almost in walking distance of home and my gambling head became excited at "having an option" when the urge to gamble would next strike...

Today I decided to have a look through my full list and a chat with the self-exclusion team... we found 3 more within one bus ride distance.. so they were added to the list. There is probably more because I live on the edge of two cities. But I feel confident that I will add them to the list as needed.  Ive had 25 years of this nonsense. My motivation to stay stopped is getting stronger day by day.

The half-marathon yesterday was tough going but enjoyable. Ive put on quite a lot of weight recently and it really showed. The last 4 miles I was jogging so slowly that old ladies with zimmer frames were coming past lol. Having said that I was determined not to walk except very briefly at water stations, so I could properly get water on board. Its been a while since ive done a half. I forget how far it actually is.

It was a bit of an anti-climax at the end. Usually ive done this run with my mate and his brothers and weve got drunk and had a laugh after wards.. but not this year. Just me. I thought I might hook up with other runners and have a beer or six but it didn't happen... so I had a very expensive beer to myself and then went home. Must admit I noticed the machines in the pub but I wasnt going to ruin the day. Got some fish n chips... which of course I wouldn't of been able to do if i'd of gambled. So despite feeling a bit lonely.... yesterday was a good day and today is good day to.

Thanks for listening

I thought it was you when I passed on my Zimmer frame ??....

Seriously - massive welldone on completing it and even bigger pat on the back for sorting self exclusions out! You are definitely moving to the right direction...figuratively and straightforward talking.

I get loneliness. ..didn't even realised how quickly this isolation set in in my life. At the gym today I gave few nods to people which is a progress lol...also chatted to instructor and got myself weighted...55kg...that's massive drop from last year...and here is me thinking that my muscle frame has saved the day lol..I guess stress does it's own job and this weight is dripping off me without me realising.

It's good to have some fat on ya you know..healthy...if in moderation ?. You did one marathon, another awaits. Keep up good work, keep practicing and keep reaping the results on the next run!

All the best SA.

S&B xx

Thanks both 🙂

Well am still running, even though ive been feeling pretty depressed. If it wasn't for a couple of work shifts I don't think I would have spoken to anyone in any meaningful way. 

Ive had some thoughts of gambling with the small amount of money I have available but if I choose to abide by my self-exclusions (which I do) then ive got a bit of a journey.. so they do there job.

The euphoria of deciding to stay stopped is starting to wear off. The hard work of trying to recover as a human beings starts now.

Thanks for listening

Hi SA,

Running keeps demons away...keep up good work and keep pushing through difficult times. They do seem to pass....eventually. 

By the way, Really wonderful victorious pic on FB...you are made to run marathons as I can see it brings such happiness and pride to you. It shines off your face!!

 Very true : "The euphoria of deciding to stay stopped is starting to wear off. The hard work of trying to recover as a human beings starts now". I am setting the same goals...being a normal human being....work in progress huh..

All the best SA, keep up good work

S&B xx

sigh....

Well after a growing length of time without gambling I then gambled. No excuses really, I just wasn't managing my feelings. Its no different than someone reaching for a cigarette after a period of abstinence. I reached for gambling and whilst in action I had relief from how I was feeling. I lost a bunch of money of course. gamstop is not infallible. there are casinos not signed up to gamstop.. off shore places where my money was seemingly converted to Russian roubles and I played strange games id never played before, cos that was my only option. I have now excluded from this casino.... it slightly surprised me that you could. Any casino that doesn't want to abide by the gambling commissions rules has got to be dodgy as f**k. Anyway whats done is done.

One of my triggers was work. I sort of got a bollocking cos I didn't ring the police  when one of the residents complained that they'd been intimidated by another resident. this other resident has an anti-social behavior order in place. Its got to the stage where if anything happens in the communal areas the police will come and take him away. Its a retirement village I work in belief it or not but people still behave like children and then expect staff to sort it all out. I really struggle dealing with conflict... it gets me feeling like a child myself.. and gets me feeling rubbish about myself. Dealing with other peoples conflict I find very hard.

on a positive ive had a health check today. Ive got low cholesterol levels, blood sugar in normal range, blood pressure high/normal... am just a bit chubby that all. Ive decided that am not gonna have sugar in coffee anymore (I drink loads of sugary coffee!) ..am not gonna buy sugar any more. Lets see if this makes a difference.

Life goes on.. thanks for listening

Hi SA...

Ah man...What can I say what I didn't say before and what new can you hear about this addiction?

It's difficult to break the cycle. Support is necessary..so far I am in the opinion that you don't have much support. I may be wrong...please keep reaching out. Make that right choice today.

You MATTER. You ARE NOT ALONE

Thoughts are with you.

S&B xx