Hope

Thanks S&B x

My mental health has not been good recently, culminating in the gambling. It was kind of brought home yesterday, when my colleague apologized to me for "winding me up" over something, when she could see how much I was struggling with anxiety. It wasn't until I read that text that I kind of got in touch with how stressed and anxious I had become.

This morning I have joined and self-excluded from another of those casino's not on Gamstop. Its a relief that they are responsible enuff to actually block your account when asked. I find huge relief when I exclude because I know that in an impulsive moment that I could gamble away what little money I do have and then have no money to live on.

On a positive.... not a single grain of sugar has entered my coffee cup for the last few days. Am sure my fat is ready to melt away :-)… Am also going for a run in a bit now the hot weather has past.

Am doing some night shifts soon... so I know am gonna feel f****d in the head.. so the more barriers I keep building the better it will be.

Thanks for listening

Afternoon Diary,

Well am now living in a tired twilight zone after having just done a night shift. How people do nights on a regular basis god only knows. This week is a crazy mix of nights lates and earlies. Of course I have little choice but to do this because of my difficult financial situation caused by my gambling antics. Being a gambling addict is no life really is it?... its just an existence. I know several other gamblers in similar or worse pre-dicaments.

I suppose overall am going in a better direction. Each time I mess up I make it harder for myself to gamble. I need to keep forcing myself to abstain, to give me time and space to calm myself down to a point where I can start working on myself again. I find it very frightening when I blow a bunch of money in such a short space of time. It sends ones emotions into such a tail spin as am sure others would agree.

On a positive I continue to drink my coffee without sugar.... but am still a bit of a fat b*****d though lol 🙂

Thanks for listening

Hi SA...

Oh nooooooo..dreaded night shifts! Feel ya man...feel ya. Those should be banned lol

I'm glad you're looking ahead and putting more blocks in place to stop you from self destruction...those are very positive steps forward!

I missed coffee man ?..I'm on such strict diet I cannot even have a cuppa. ...but it is what it is. 

I hope you're looking after you..sleep/ food is the energy of life...please be kind to your body & soul.

Blessings

S&B xx

Thanks S&B x... amazingly am still sugar free on the coffee 🙂

Haven't gambled for a while but my compulsion sits patiently waiting for its next opportunity, its next fix.

My moods and stress levels fluctuate wildly. I can't stop thinking about work. Its very frustrating. Can't switch off from it. I want a proper break, I haven't had one in the two years that I have been there. The longest time away has been 7 or 8 days and that was only because i'd injured my fingers. People are constantly going off sick, am then am asked to do this and do that. The more you do the more your asked. There is minimal management, oversight or safe guarding where I work. Care workers serve food in the restaurant, that can't be right can it?? Elderly vulnerable people don't get the care they deserve. Families complain and want to speak to whomever is in charge but much of the time there is no one in charge. Meds don't get ordered. Things that people need always running out. Break down in communication. Systems not in place. I go to do a shift feeling stressed and then there is a huge relief when its over, that Ive survived it without having a complete meltdown or somebody dying on me. When you do a night shift you feel like a manager, security guard, care worker and maintenance man all rolled into one. I woosh I could just be one of these people that just doesn't care, but am not... its just the way I am.

Of course ive always made things worse for myself with my gambling and then I can't take any time off because I always need the money to keep a roof over my head, so I keep going despite my poor mental health. Its hard and a very vicious circle that goes round and round. Am always on the edge with just brief moments of peace and serenity. I do deserve better than this, but then ive been saying this for years.

Thanks for listening

I haven't gambled since my last post

My friend showed up yesterday. He gets paid his universal credit on the 11th but because that is today a sunday... he got his money on Friday. Anyway so yesterday he shows up at mine at 9.00 a.m with precisely 10p to his name and 31 days to his next UC payment... ie all money gone even b4 his official pay date.

Now to anybody who is not a compulsive gambler you'd look at that and think what an irresponsible t**t and how dare you show up at my door in that situation... but of course I am a compulsive gambler and I do "get it"... I understand the thought processes that go on. He told his story and I just found myself nodding along... the thoughts the feelings the actions... I do get it. he's not a bad person, just like I am not a bad person... he's just mentally unwell and deluded in thinking brought on by stress, anxiety, depression... all the usual suspects.

Anyway we figured things out. I didn't actually give him any money (partly because i have very little myself) but did I let him use my phone. he made some calls. he has a survival plan which involves a loan from some dodgy credit union he thinks he can get. If that doesn't work out I will give him 20 quid when I get paid and prob buy him some food. For non-gamblers you might just think... leave him to his fate but in my head you can't leave someone with absolutely nothing. As human beings we still have to eat. he has even less options than I do and no family support... a potential suicide risk from the outside looking in.

As for me am just tired from over work.... but doing ok on the not gambling front.

Thanks for listening.

Well I had a meltdown at work. With hindsight I could see it coming. Too many shifts (lates, nights and earlies), too many demands placed upon me, unable to switch off from work and ended up living other peoples lives and not my own. Ive been here before... its called burnout. Ive cancelled a whole bunch of shifts. I don't care about the money lost. Mental health has to come first. Its such a relief not to be going to work today and just to be able to relax and start to be myself again.

Thanks for listening

H-A-L-T 

H- hungry

A- Angry

L - Lonely

T- Tired

Keep looking after these to help you keep body & mind in harmonious balance.

You have to HALT when you reach the point of exhaustion. Take inventory SA...put yourself first.

Blessings

S&B xx

Yes your right S... HALT kind of sums it up... ive just replied to you on your diary... and now in my diary its kind of an adapted copy and paste. I too have gambled since my last post and this time it was kind of as bad as it can get. Complete zombie in front of machines until all available funds gone. I then decided to try and get a loan to which I got an email saying, since you have seven defaults on your credit file in the last 18 months, we are unable to offer you a loan. Now that was no surprise was it? It kind of gets me thinking...

What on earth is it that I/we are escaping from that leads us to such self-destructive behaviour?

I suspect that for some of us its a profound absence of meaning, purpose, direction and connection with others. Thats certainly me. For others maybe its a consequence of things that have happened to them as children. Things that shouldn't have happened but did. In reality its probably a combination of both for all of us.

Moving forward am trying to take a different approach. Instead of psychologically beating myself up and worrying all the time I am trying to be grateful for my life and find something positive each and every day. Today I am grateful for my physical health. I was able to walk for miles along the canals and through the woods. I enjoyed being in nature, the warmth of the sun and the gentle breeze. I enjoyed saying hello to folks and smiling. They said hello and smiled back. I felt a connection.

I can recover and live life rather than just escaping. To live the rest of my life doing as I do up until this point, will only shorten my life.

Thanks for listening. I am grateful that you have read my thoughts 🙂 x

Sometimes in recovery, we focus too much on time since last bet. It has it's uses, in an arbitrary kind of way but doesn't take into account signs of personal, spiritual and emotional growth. I see a lot in you. Your awareness has grown massively. 

Well yes I do feel that despite the gambling I am growing spritually and psychologically. I have it within me to get well and stay well. I have it within me to think before i act

Ive had a good day today. had a long jog which always lifts the mood. Spoke to friend on phone. Went for coffee with neighbour then we went out for a walk and more chat. Now am home and am relaxed in my own company, made a nice meal... then i signed on (needs must) and now am here reading and writing. A balanced day... made some connections and generally did productive things.

Thanks for listening

My body woke me up. Gargling stomach. Had been gourging myself on marmalade sandwiches late in the evening. As always no off switch, slice after slice after slice.. comfort in the moment.. but knowing only too well that it would have consequences.. but doing it nonetheless. Same as gambling really... no off switch. My off switch was removed many years ago... that is if I actually had one to start with. Am amazed at how my body has coped with what I have put it through over the years

have been lying here in bed reviewing my life. It gets me feeling very sad. Such an empty life. So devoid of people and company, always hiding away, always on my own, always self-destructing. Always helping others. Always helping others but nothing to myself. I really don't know how am still alive. There has been no real joy, no real happiness, no contentment, just lurching from one crisis to the next. Its been relentless....

Nothing I can do about it. The past is gone. Cant dwell. I just carry on...

Thanks for listening

Its good to remind myself how bad things have been. The last few days ive been putting up more barriers to my gambling. More exclusions and re-exclusions. I can live a more fulfilling life if the gambling stays stopped

Hi SA...thanks for the read...the things I would do for sleepy time are out of This world lol...am jealous of your bed ?

The things I would do for marmalade sandwich is even greater....

I seem to gone back into work work work mode again.. 16hrs shift later I still have a good track to drive home...and what about food?..hmmmm...MC D's has never been more tempting.???

It's good to reflect on life however in healthy manner...which is basically "look but don't stare". We have now and tomorrow. ..and ....as you know, its never too late to make that change and do things different..start living!

I best hit that road else I will pass out typing on spot at this rate lol..thanks for the support, apologies it's taken a while to get back to you..needed a break from here.

Much love, stay safe...keep dreaming, believing and living your life to the full.

No more self destruction.

S&B xx

As per above ☝️ 

Xx

(Whatever time it gets published)

Thanks S & B x

Just back from a long slow jog. Just over 2 hours, with some hilly bits. Very enjoyable except the last 15 minutes when the sun was properly out and it got hot real quick. Of course me with my self-destructive nature didn't take any water and was actually thinking of keeping going regardless until complete exhaustion, dehydration and heat stroke kicked in (am only half joking).

Am gonna spend the rest of the day doing very little, partly because I haven't got anything to do and partly because I have next to no money as my last gambling binge cost me dear. Am burying my head in the sand about how bad my financial situation is becoming. I haven't worked for 2 weeks now and Iv'e had to sign on. have applied for an advance payment, if I don't get it am f****d. I am picking up shifts again as from Wednesday but am determined not to go back to doing silly shifts just because I want the money... I can't be living other peoples lives anymore and the resulting effects on my own mental health. As my colleague keeps saying to me... "I don't care about these people, am just here to do a job"... I get what she means....

Its not that she's being horrible and hateful towards the people that she supports, its just that she has no emotional connection with them... she's perfectly civil and polite and does what is required on the job card, but beyond that she's not interested and she never does extra hours just what is required with her contract. fair play i say. I woosh I could be more like that.... it stops you getting burnt out. Going the extra mile with people does me no good whatsoever....

Thanks for listening.