Hope

Yo!

Glad to read you're being kind to you and are taking it easy.  This journey of life is not exactly straightforward huh. Some people finds it easier than others. I think you, similar to me, are afraid of the change and challenges it brings. Safety zone we created for ourselves and scared to step over that line. Ultimately this safety zone is not exactly healthy, but it's familiar and comfortable huh.

Creating comfort in strange surroundings and accepting new emotions & feelings seems like climb to the Everest....

On a flip side, life is very short and experiencing these new feelings may bring more advantages to this existence we find ourselves in.

Fear of the fear....sometimes we have to get over that to enable the change inside and outside of our beings.

You're doing well, you're making progress..no matter how small it is. Its progress netherless.

As of emotional connection at work., sometimes we have to get out priorities right. If i would start caring for every Joe and Mike, I would get lost in that life altogether. Caring for someone without attachment is still possible, it's just about finding that balance.  Never feel bad for not giving your all to another. ..what you give is enough..you and your health matters more. 

Stay safe & hydrated. Its another hot one out there.

S&B xx

Thanks S & B x

Sometimes its only when I really think about my addiction that i fully appreciate how much it affects every area of my life. Today has felt rubbish. i went back to work and did a shift, but I struggled. Why did I struggle?... Well i struggled because I felt so tired and dehydrated because the previous day i'd run all the way to my mates to drop off something that he needed and all the way back and in the heat. Why did i do this? Well I did it because I didn't have any money to get the bus. The small amount of money i do have I need for food, cos you have to eat don't you.. whether compulsive gambler or not?

Anyway i goes to work today, with a bus ticket that my mate gave me, that he's used before but because he never scratched the month off I was able to use it again and if you flash it quick the driver doesn't notice but me being me I still feel like a bad person, but you do what you have to do when your tired and skint but youve still got to get to work. I gets to work and low and behold I am the only one on meds and I think o god here we go.... Anyway I think ive messed up on some controlled drugs. I don't think ive over dosed anyone, but the paper work is wrong, cos i wrote stuff in the wrong controlled drug book and now the counts are all wrong. Why did I do this? Well I did it cos I was so tired and dehydrated and not seeing properly I didn't know what i was doing. I get home and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it and now its 4 a.m and am just feeling rubbish.

I hate this addiction. Am gonna stay stopped. I can;t live this way anymore. Its a pathetic and humiliating way to live and it isolates me, cos i really don't want to talk with or be around friends or family when am at it. The only reason i went to my mates yesterday is because he's a gambler to and in a sick sort of way it brings comfort being around others whom are just as f****d up as me. 

Anyway I haven't gambled today or yesterday or the day before, so thats a start. Life stops getting worse when i stay stop. I am insane for continuing to do the same behaviours for so many years but it is what it is and I am what i am... gotta focus and move forward 1 day at a time and i hour at a time when needed.

Thanks for listening

Well I gave up trying to go to sleep, so unsurprisingly am sitting here very tired and anxious, but here is some random thoughts

Isnt it interesting that we remember exactly where we were and what we were doing at pivotal moments in history. When Princess Diana died I was eating a kebab in Camden town having just been to a nightclub. There was a television on in the kebab shop. At 1.00 a.m she had only a broken arm, that was soon to change of course. I remember her funeral procession. I'd finished a night shift. I was crossing London on the underground. I came out of Knightsbridge tube just in time to stand with thousands of others in silence as the procession went past.

On 9/11 I had just been canoeing on a London canal with an autistic man. We arrived back at lunch time just in time to see (the supposed) second plane hit the tower. We watched the towers fall in silence, in shock really... 9/11 has effected my mental health over the years. Like most people I went along with the official line for several years, but when i did research it for myself and realise the official version was a pack of lies I lost all faith in government and the mass media. We are just sheep being manipulated for a bigger agenda. We live in an elective dictatorship. I draw parallels with brexit. It was never part of the plan for the uk to leave the european union and in that sense I hope that Boris does get his way in forcing through a no-deal brexit. Democracy is dead if we dont leave. We voted to leave, we must leave!

Thanks for listening

I hear you, SA.

I was walking past a vending machine at the train station yesterday and was reminded of my last big binge. Few months back now. Why did the machine remind me of this? Because I'd gambled for 8 hours straight and needed sugar in my blood. The establishment has stuff to offer, of course but being vegan, I couldn't eat any of what they had. Weird how my priorities were that day - more loving of other beings than of myself. I paid £1.50 for a pack of 3 oreo cookies, then went back in and gambled a couple more hours. Madness.

I enjoy hearing your reflections. You are moving toward having more compassion for yourself. It comes across.

Take care,

f x

Thanks Freda... well i am trying to be more compassionate to myself and also sticking up for myself... but today i am wound up and feeling angry. Am back at work. Its been a couple of stressful shifts working with agency staff etc.. but ive coped and I think ive done a good job. But the bigger picture is that we have been taken over by a new company and ive been offered a permanent contract for however many hours I wanted. I thought "great" I need some stability, so asked for and got accepted for ..28 hours... I was about to sign my contract when i noticed the pay rate... its minimum wage.. not even a few pence above it... its at minimum wage!! I thought you cheeky b******s.... there is no way that am taking a pay cut... I will struggle on the dole.. rather than do the job ive been doing for ages for less money. It aint gonna happen!!  My priority has gotta be my recovery. Stability I want but not at any cost...

I kind of realise over the last few days that am still mentally and psychologically a bit f****d. Am ok when am not having demands placed upon me, but when they are am turning into a stress head. This pay cut thing has tipped me into a bad place once again....

Just for today I will not gamble... repeat repeat repeat... 

Ah, mate, that is really cheeky! I understand why you feel angry.

Thing is, the work you do is stressful and poorly paid, so it's hard for them to retain staff. Good for you for saying eff off to their contract. You'd walk into another job with your experience. I echo your sentiments on exploitation being widespread. Put yourself first - these days, you're not much better off on minimum wage vs. the dole anyway. 

What would you be doing, if you could do what you wanted?

f x

Well I haven't told them to eff off yet as there management is not in until monday. Somehow I have got to negotiate my shift today, whilst feeling angry. Like you say I feel like I am being exploited. Welcome to Advance care here is a pay cut. Well they can go swivel

My emotions are all over the place at the moment. I can feel fine for a few hours and then I drop into the depths of despair and then I can feel happy and cheerful for no apparent reason. Woke up feeling scared and worried this morning but now that's kind of drifted away a bit. I have a doctors appointment booked and this time I will take the inevitable meds that will be prescribed. I still have the prescription from a year ago that I never took to the chemist, firstly because I didn't have the 8 pounds and then because I thought I was ok.

I can't decide what to do about work, other than I won't be taking a pay cut. I think this new company will be just as bad as the old one. The boss was not in yesterday. The bottom line for them I think is cutting costs and making a profit. It became a sad state of affairs when they privatised care.

And then I guess the bottom line for me is not making any rash decisions and more importantly not gambling. My financial situation is dire. Am so tired of lurching from one crisis to the next and yes 90% of my crisies are directly caused by my addiction and the other 10% are indirectly caused by my addiction. I feel like such a numpty for going through life like this.

Thanks for listening

Have you listened to Dr. Gabor Mate and what he has to say about addiction?

Yes.. Iv'e been watching some of his youtube video's. He makes so much sense. Mind and body interconnected. Stressed babies learning to surpress emotions to protect the bond with the care giver... fast forward to adult hood.. similar sub-concious processes going on... makes us ill physically and mentally. None of it is anybody's fault, its just the way that the human mind and body works. No blame. Following on from this I remind myself that as a caregiver I need to learn to say "no" and to look after and nurture myself. Be kind to others and continue to care but always take time out for myself and my own needs.

Today I have accepted a 28 hour contract... 35 hours was offered but I said NO. What it means in practice is 4 shifts a week.. thats it.. 4 on 3 off... finding a balance. It feels right for the time being.

Main priority... no gambling...to stay stopped and seek support to stay stopped. Money is so very very tight at the moment. My mantra is "rent first".... gotta keep roof over my head. So tired of living on the edge. Its all ive ever known. I can do this.

Thanks for listening

No gambling since last post. Practical barriers in place. I am feeling the pressure though... a week till I get paid something. I know roughly how much it will be (a lot less than usual) but I don't know how much my online lender will automatically take from my account. I want to phone them to ask if they can halt automatic pay back this month so I can decide how much to pay back. But i worry that if i do this they will stop any further borrowing. Unfortunately I will need to borrow something just for survival purposes. My mantra this month is "pay rent, every thing else can wait".

Am also feeling work pressure. Am working the weekends and as always am likely to be on with either inexperienced or agency staff and it will be assumed that i will take the lead and sort things out as necessary because thats what folks are use to. In reality i'd love just to go in, somebody hand me my job card and I go off and do what i need to do and then go home. Just at the moment I don't need "additional pressure" because am struggling to cope with it.

These are the some of the consequences folks of many years of compulsive gambling: financial stress, emotional stress and a life lived on the edge.

Having said all of this am working recovery this time and this place is part of it. When I read and write it helps me. It helps me not to gamble.

Thanks for listening

No gambling since my last post... but feeling really quite dejected. I am a gambling addict. So many years of self-destructive behaviour. I was lying in bed just thinking about the number of times ive found myself just standing in some street in total shock, having just blown my money again.... and then to continue to repeat the behaviour (admittedly with some longish gaps) over and over again for atleast 25 years... its so sad... I wouldn't wish my life on my worst enemy.

Am just off the phone from Virgin media. I haven't paid my bill on time for 3 years. Its always due just before pay day and every month I have to phone them up saying ive got no money. Even this is an addict like behaviour cos I find my internet connection is more important than paying the water bill, which am seldom up to date with either. I do pay it mind when i have some money. Most people I know don't pay it at all, simply on the thinking that they are not allowed to cut you off so why bother. Most people I know also don't buy a tv license and if someone comes a knocking they just don't answer the door.. said person goes away. Am not like this though. If ive got the money I pay my way. I am a responsible person and I feel bad when I can't pay for stuff because of my gambling.

My current hole ive dug for myself feels like quite a deep one. It will take time to recover both financially but more importantly emotionally. Am back working but inside I struggle. Am still having lots of demands placed upon me. My last 3 shifts ive had to do all the meds on my own and shift lead even though I don't want to. Its hard. No work today but I feel ever so low. usually my mood picks up as the day goes along. No gambling.

Thanks for listening

Hi S.A,

We hope that your moods picks up too today. Have your phone company mentioned to move your payment date to the day you get paid? We are glad that you are getting support from our forum, a safe space where you can share your feelings. We are here for you our via helpline and Netline if you ever need to talk to us too.

Take care, try to do something nice for yourself today - it does not have to cost money.

Forum Admin 

I'm here, listening.

I don't have all the answers. Occasionally still self-destruct myself.

f x

Thanks Freda x

Well its 9/11 and another anniversary of that horrific false flag event. I want to go on a big rant about it but I think I'd better just leave it at that.

I feel like am starting to settle into a non-gambling state of mind. My thoughts are not racing through my mind quite as quickly as they were. I don't feel quite so panick stricken. Am starting to calm myself.

Onwards

Thanks for listening