Hope

Hi Freda... and yes its frustrating isn't it... when manager type people are oblivious to what is going on around them and are only concerned with delegating stuff. A good manager can assess the situation in the moment and react appropriately.

Must admit am dreading going into work today. I think am gonna be very busy and at times out of my depth. We have people that need nursing care and yet none of us are nurses. Where I work is supposedly independant living... but its not.  We have one lady whom has come out of hospital, heart failure, legs the size of tree trunks,  can barely walk, completely dependant on staff. Another whom is bed bound, lots of rolling, pads and creams. two others are hoist care... on it goes. It feels like such a responsibility especially when there are only 3 of us on the late shift... with usually one whom is not allowed to give meds... it can get very stressy.

Underneath all of this is the stench of money. Its cheaper to keep people in a setting like this than have them in a proper care home. Across the country you have sick, disabled and elderly people in completely inappropriate settings being supported by unqualified and stressed out staff. The social care system is broken in this country.

So, anyway, now that have worked myself up into a lather I can try and calm myself before going to work. Well i can try anyway.

It does put my gambling into some sort of perspective doesn't it? Stress calm myself through trance like gambling and then mega stress when I come out of my trance. This cycle will be broken. No gambling

Thanks for listening

Dear Diary,

Well I was a stress head when I arrived at work yesterday, but I settled as the shift went along and it turned out fine. I walked to work and back and saved myself £3. I stopped off at the supermarket and bought a 50p pasta salad in the reduced section and a 45p bottle of flavoured water. Total outlay for the day 95p, less than the cost of a typical spin on a slot machine.

In my mind it certainly puts gambling into perspective and gets me realising (once again) how little money I actually need for day to day life. Having said all of that I am looking forward to the day when I don't "have" to ferret around in the reduced section or think about whether I can afford to get a bus or not. I wont know until later in October as to where exactly I stand with money and paying my way and living normally and still being able to service my debts (which I do want to do) etc etc. The money thing is stressing me but not giving rise to urges to gamble at the moment. Deep down I know that things will start to improve as gamble free time passes. I am certainly not at rock bottom now. I am definately hopeful.

Thanks for listening

Morning diary,

Another day gamble free. Am feeling hopeful moving forward. There are certain things that I have come to accept about myself, my life and how iv'e lived it. Am not gonna beat myself up any more. My gambling only amplifies my underlying depression and low self-esteem... so am not gonna do it anymore! 🙂

Am back reading and writing lots which is always a good sign for me. It means am starting to work recovery.

This will be the last month where I have to make difficult phone calls to delay or spread or negotiate payments. I don't have to live this way. Its been my choice but now I choose a different path.

Thanks for listening

You are evolving 🙂

Thanks Freda... well I do hope so.

I am enjoying posting at the moment, which is generally a good thing but it also is a distraction from my own problems.

My money situation is dire. I have calls I need to make but am not making them. I feel pressure. I woosh I could fast forward a month and see how things stand then but I can't life doesn't work that way. No urges to gamble mind I like to eat and if I gamble I will have no money for food.

My moods are unstable. I went for a run yesterday and I was feeling great but by the end of the day I had slipped into quite an intense depression. Just got  to stick with it. My moods will settle in time as long as I stay stopped.

I am evolving.

Thanks for listening

Hi

It is a good topic hope and faith.

I am non religious person.

Yet I do understand how important recovery was for me.

I walked in to the recovery program not understanding that when I said to myself who cares any way I was giving up all faith and hope in myself.

Why did I say to myself who cares any way was it anger frustration fears loneliness or boredom.

My anger frustration fears loneliness or boredom were my emotional triggers.

I experienced some very painful events in my life and was unable to heal from those events.

Each unresolved pain or unhealed pain caused fears in me that I did not understand.

My frustration were due to my unreasonable expectations of people life an situations, when things did not go my way I caused myself more pain.

Sadly I had the unhealthy habit of having unreasonable expectations of people life an situations, why did I not learn from the serenity prayer, I am not able to change other people, yet I am able to reduce my unhealthy reactions to expectations of people life an situations.

To remember that by my own frustration I was hurting myself, I was inflicting pain up on myself which caused me to have more fears.

My communication skills were not very healthy on walking in the the recovery program.

The recovery program is about healing, if I am not willing to admit to myself that I have pains in me I am not able to heal them.

The recovery program is not about who is right or wrong, or even about who is good or bad, the recovery program is about healing and getting healthy.

If I am not willing to admit to myself what is healthy or unhealthy, I am unable to change. 

The recovery program had enabled me to give therapies and no longer talk about money or gambling.

The healthy people in the recovery program have encouraged me to talk about the solutions not talk about the symptoms.

Money last can not be changed it is gone, only when I let go of that simple fact I can move on with my life.

It was hard to pay money back owed, yet by doing so I was becoming more mature and accountable to myself.

In time debts were paid and we wee given more choice with our life.

The recovery program is not the easy answer, there is no short cuts, in order for me to become healthy I needed to get my a*s in to gear.

The recovery program was very much baby steps for me.

It took me many years for my emotional age and my physical age gap to reduce.

The recovery program is only a manual to a healthy life.

Just because you read a car manual the car is not going to fix itself.

Our healthy actions and healthy words generate a healthy relationship with myself and with other people.

Our healthy actions and healthy words generate pride in our self.

With our healthy actions and healthy words generate hope and faith in our self.

No one could do my recovery for me.

The reason I lied was because I feared being rejected and abandoned, with each lie comes more fears.

My moods are also unstable. 

Dunno about you but I need more connection. Good quality connection, not people who are rude and unkind. That's what makes me reluctant to try. So it feels like a trap. We all get caught in traps, catch 22's.

Where are all of the healthy, well-adjusted people?! I want to hang out with them.

Not sure where all the well adjusted people are Freda... I will keep my eyes peeled 🙂

Dear diary,

Just got off the phone to my dad. We don't speak that often, should speak more, especially now that he reaches the tale end of his life. He is undergoing treatment for cancer, a treatable cancer but cancer nonetheless. I feel guilty for not being more of a presence in his life... especially after the sacrifices he made for me and my upbringing. I made a slightly jokey comment about looking after everybody else's parents except my own, which I now regret saying. Cos the reality is that its true. This is also the reality of my addiction, it tends to distance me from my own family.

.... no urges to gamble, its only been 3 weeks, but this time it feels like its my time. I notice that am starting to settle in my thoughts, starting to calm down a bit, even though life's problems remain.

Onwards and thanks for listening.

Sounds like you are doing great. I don't speak to my parents often, either. It's hard when you are not close.

Day 24 Gf

The first challenge to recovery is coming up. It turns out that am not going to be paid weekly. So next week I will have a lump of money arrive in my bank account for the month. I know for sure that I will pay my rent and Council tax straight off.... but the stress I feel at the moment is a debt to the DWP whom have been threatening an "attachment of earnings". Now I have done the right thing and phoned them and set up a payment plan which won't actually start until November BUT my gambling head says "get shot of this debt now!".... a couple of wins and you can pay em off. 

I know this is old behaviour and addict thinking but its hard to dismiss these thoughts, its just hard. Am feeling impatient... any words of wisdom for my deluded thinking will be most welcome? 

Thanks for listening

I would list your priorities and on payday get them all in a position to last through to the next month.

Rent, council tax, food, heating, electricity, water, transport to work, phone, clothing etc etc. Look at a budgeting website to see where your money needs to go. Then put it there.

The DWP would probably want to know your outgoings anyway so that any attachment of earnings is affordable.

Ignore your 'gambling head' because that's full of delusional ideas which have been put there by the addiction. You'll only give it back if you win anything, so why bother?

If it feels hard, that's just because there isn't enough distance between you and the old ways yet.

It'll get easier as time goes on.

Hi there,

I feel your pain.

What if you gamble and win? Would you be able to stop or even cash out?

What if you gamble and lose? What then?

I think the safest route is to not gamble. Give your head a few more days to process the situation. I wish you well.

RR

I chose to gamble and lost almost everything

Am experiencing all the usual let down emotions and worry about how to get through the month

Had managed a month this time.

You'd think i'd know better after all these years feeding addiction, but I don't.

Have done even more self-exclusions.

Thanks for listening

Hello SA,

Has been a while since I’ve ventured on these diaries but I do intermittently follow your path.

You of late been have writing very clearly and with an obvious insight, which you’ve picked up during your rocky path of rediscovery. So firstly give your self a break!

To be really able to understand the situation that you find yourself in with relapses is so very hard whilst your so involved and not satisfying some basic human needs. And, I’m afraid to say you will continue in this damaging cycle, untill changes are made and the pain required to venture outside of your comfort zone.

There’s a lot of similarities with the two of us. And you know deep down that your never gonna to be able to get on the true path that is achievable by yourself. You, by hook or by crook need to learn to reach out and accept that your ego is holding you back and seek the outside help you clearly need.

You, I believe and by following your story is a true empath, which is very admirable, yet a bit-ch without the necessary barriers in place. 

My readings of late, is not looking so much at the unhealthy mental state that I tend to progressively fall into but try to see what an actual healthy mind IS ? This led me to self actualisation and also to realise that to varying degrees the great majority of people have some degree of poor mental health. I got into the hierarchy of human needs and realised I was depriving my self of many of these on a regular basis, hence why just like yourself from a period of clarity, I tend to let my self slip because I go it alone.

I really don’t know if any of the above makes sense, but delivered with sincerity.

V

Hi SA

So sorry to read your post and learn that you are hurting today.

I don’t really know what to say other than I hope you’re ok 

RR