Hope

Welled up listening to the tender way you care for your clients. You are people's angel many days, I'm sure.

Does seeing people t the end of their lives strengthen your resolve to bring about positive change?

f x

Oh wow...dear SA.. what an amazing post! Would like to read how the lady  is..and hoping she is still with us....

Hope you're well.  Do you still keep up with runs?  I nearly messaged you today to see if it was really you on the front page regarding marathons ?.. i thought to myself how nice and just shows the commitment you have...

Anyway, proud of you..keep moving on..day at a time

Take care and all the best

S&B xx

Thanks all.

Well as it turned out I was wrong about this little old lady having reached the end of her life. All that's happened is that she has got a little more frail and she has to use a wheelchair for everything. Its amazing how resilient the human body can be. People whom you think won't last the week then go on for another couple of years. Having said that you can have seemingly fit and healthy people whom just drop dead of a heart attack or something... no rhyme nor reason sometimes.

To answer Freda's question. Does seeing people t the end of their lives strengthen your resolve to bring about positive change?... I guess you mean positive change within me... and I suppose the simple answer to that is no. Over the years ive worked with some of the most challenging and profoundly disabled people of all ages and in that sense "acheived" a great deal in helping, supporting and generally being kind to others... but it hasn't stopped me gambling, it hasn't stopped me being self-destructive. Am still very much a work in progress when it comes to being good to myself. Which begs the question....

What will i do differently this month when i get paid?... anything, nothing?... cos it really is a very hard month just now in just meeting my basic needs. I jumped for joy (not really) when I came across a loaf of my favourite bread for just 21p.. but then that didn't last long. Am so active and in the colder weather that I eat alot and I can quite easilly get through a whole loaf of bread in 1 day. It scares me the thought of going hungry and you'd think that that thought would motivate me to stay stopped but history says that it doesn't. Iv'e already filled my online basket ready for payday. Never again do I want completely empty cupboards. The classic sign of an addict. Am told that everyone will be going over to weekly pay... this will be a good thing for me.

Thanks for listening

Dear diary,

Well I walked to work and back yesterday in the cold and rain, saved myself £3 and bought food with it. Also I got a few pounds after making the effort to bag up a bunch of jeans and shirts and go to a cash for clothes shop. So the long and the short of it is that I will not go hungry up until my coming pay day. Am now 22 days without a gamble

Thanks for listening

Morning diary,

Well ive already been up for more than an hour. Went to bed early and actually slept so even though its still silly o'clock I feel fairly awake. Am walking to work again. I think am gonna be lucky with the weather... the rain has just pushed through. In walking I will save myself a few quid again and get some more food on the way home. I like to eat.

Am a bit worried about my mate, he's gone to ground again. I think he's put his phone into cash converters again... which means he's blown his money again. Its a pathetic life being a compulsive gambler.

No gambling for me... have a good day folks as i try to do the same.

Who said food! I love food so we would do good if meet up! Lol...

Glad you're moving forward SA...not easy but doable eh. Please stay kind to you, these little positive actions will amount to the life you so deserve. Big and lovely colourful, fulfilling picture..life on it's terms. 

Not perfect but wayyy more rewarding than the former gambling misery.

Look after you ok. Hugs

S&B xx

Well its day 26 gamble free and i will make it to pay day tomorrow with less than a pound to my name once iv'e bought my sister a birthday card (posted it) and got myself some milk and bread today.

The hard work begins tomorrow, cos its relatively easy not to gamble when you only have enough money for survival purposes. I have budgeted my money but what usually happens is "food and socialising" gets converted into gambling.

What will i do differently this time??... f**k all probably. Handing over complete control of all money simply isn't gonna to happen. There is no complete surrender here "at this time". I know I won't gamble tomorrow cos am working most of the day.. but as for the following days only time will tell

Not a very inspiring recovery post I know. I am struggling in my thoughts.

Thanks for listening

Hi SA,

Great progress being made! I know what you mean about having spare cash (which not even spare is it) & having urges hanging on our minds...

I am not sure what to advice SA...just be kind to you, try to fill your time with positive stuff....& just maybe treat yourself with a steak (or a chicken..turkey!) & trimmings and true "manhood" meal?  (I will be over too as ya know how much i like food ?)

Blessings, stay safe

S&B xx

Yes I think treat myself to something nice to eat is the way forward. Iv'e got to reward myself in some way for not gambling.

Iv'e got £1 in my pocket and 7p in the bank. The plan is that my salary lands in my account sometime in the night. At 5.30 a.m I withdraw £10 which gets added to the £1 makes £11 and then i can buy a weekly bus pass. trouble is sometimes the money doesn't land until later which means I will be walking to work again whatever the weather. It really has come down to the wire this month. What a life I lead.

Thanks for listening.

Well iv'e given up trying to sleep. Unable to settle my mind. I woke briefly at 1 a.m, thought i'd just check to see if my money had gone in. It hadn't but my direct debits had been taken out... account sailing off into negative despite me not being allowed an overdraft. I guess my money will go in soon enough. But what if it doesn't?? What if there is a problem, money delayed untill Monday?? My mind is full of what iff's?? Enough what iff's to stop me sleeping.

I don't think about any of this when am gambling do I ?? I don't really appreciate the seriousness of my situation. Walking miles to work because I don't have the price of a bus ticket. Tired and worn out even before i start work.

I am not going to gamble. I just can't live like this anymore. Its killing me.

Thanks for listening

You deserve much better, this month. You can make that happen! I know it isn't easy but that's why it will feel so flippin good.

f x

I feel for you, mate, I really do.

This is me signing on here hoping that you have received your salary for this month and please make sure that you make all the right choices for yourself. You know that you really want to. 

And like someone suggested, have you managed to sort out a nice little treat for yourself - food-wise? There is nothing better than good ol' home-cooked food which costs far less than when eating out.

Stay strong,

NT

Thanks all

I didn't stay strong. I managed a month. The urge was too strong.

Gambled yesterday. 

Been on netline discussing strategies to stop it happening again.

Sigh.

Thanks for listening

SA,

Hey buddie, I’m so sorry to learn that you’ve gambled again. It’s devastating news. I had really hoped that you could hold out for a full pay month just to see if other areas of your life could improve due to a little more financial freedom.

From what I read I think its safe to say that everyone who supports you thinks the world of you and we all send our best wishes and hope that you are okay.

I hope you dont mind me asking and I certainly dont want to over step the mark but when you make the decision to gamble what are you seeking from that experience. Is it escape? Or do you reason that a win can dramatically improve things in the short term? Im not being judgemental in any way. This addiction can be brutal and your recent journey hits that home to me in a more brutal fashion than anything else ive read on here.

I think a large part of my giving up gambling is down to my belief that I no longer think I can win. Ive won loads of times in the past but I just dont believe I can walk away with a win anymore. No matter what I win its just never enough. I’ll keep playing until I hurt myself. Strange but true.

I wish there was something that I could do to help you.

Please dont give up or make this any worse than it is. You’ve experienced this before and survived and you can do it again. I hope so much that next month will be your month. The month where you can get to Christmas with a little in the bank to be kind to yourself.

Take care. Ive been thinking about you lots this afternoon. I hope so much that you are ok and not too down.

RR

Hello SA,

First, can I quote from above -

'From what I read I think its safe to say that everyone who supports you thinks the world of you and we all send our best wishes and hope that you are okay.'

Now, I'm curious to what strategy you and hotline  came up with ? I'm not being flippant, just curious as you, like me have been a round for a while. 

Are you serious about tackling this addiction ? Again I'm not being flippant but just curious ?

How did you get on with the mindfulness you've mentioned in earlier posts ? Rinse - repeat on the flippant - curious?

I think us addicts dwell so much what a unhealthy mind is and we dont look at what a healthy mind is, I think the former far out weighs the latter. Yet, we let our Ego get in the way

I'm surmising here but I also think just like myself that GA is not for you, so what is ? Theres gonna be something out there, but what ? Tou need to find it - stating the obvious there! 

You like me and all the others are not unique SA and I do so wish that I could point the right direction  forward, but only you can do that, so I'll finish by wishing you the best and willing you on.

Take care