Hope

Keep posting, SA

Well am back in the world of the living. Iv'e been in a dark place the last few days, barely able to function. Spent lots of time just lying in bed thinking about things I need to do and then not doing them. But today its like a switch has been flicked and am back in the world of the living. I got up, did some cleaning, tidying and hoovering, then I put the clippers to my head hair (whats left anyway), then i went for a run, then I made some calls and now am here writing this.

I will enjoy these feel good feelings while they last.

Thanks for listening.

Welcome back SA to the world of the living.

I know both worlds quite well, my friend describes it with me, welcome back to dry land after my time under water. I keep meaning to get a snorkel, for the next time it happens!

Thinking about your post, re - cleaning flat, clipping hair etc. It made me think of - 

Love Order - Despise Chaos ! And that's how our minds work, ie when we let ourselves go and let chaos in to our lives, we slowly but surely start the cycle in eventually letting the ultimate chaos of addiction creep back in. Its akin to writing lists of things to do, it's worth transferring after a few days on to a new page and not let it over come us.

Not sure whether I made any sense there, but does suit a theory that works for me.

Enjoy the moment 

SA,

I loved reading your post and it made me happy to learn that you are feeling better today.

Your post really got me thinking. My good days are when I’m busy and when I go for a run. Yet, most days I don’t go for a run. Sometimes I think the answer to feeling better is right there in front of us. It may take commitment and/or self discipline but doing more of what makes us feel happy and healthy as opposed to doing what makes us feel unhappy and unhealthy is the key.

Is a better life simply about making the effort to do well and the reward is to feel good.

Anyway, nice post to read. Keep them coming.

RR

Thanks both... I will try another positive post with just a dash of negativity and sarcasm! 🙂

Am at that stage when am just starting to calm down "a bit" after my latest gambling disaster... and have a more realistic outlook on my situation. In other words "I will survive not going hungry until my next pay day".. which is about as good as it gets at the moment.... but it is better than "going hungry". There are always folks worse off.

Iv'e got my printer to work (sort of) after an enthralling time with a "cyber doctor bot" whom of course tried to sell me a bunch of s**t that I don't want and don't need and then told me off for not having proper ink cartridges. maybe I should go straight to prison, do not pass go and definitely do not collect £200 pounds!

Its black Friday isn't it! Am I suppose to buy loads of s**t today... but sorry folks it aint gonna happen. Am intending to spend no more than £1.33... ie milk and bread 🙂 Eat and stay alive 🙂

On a serious note... we do live in a bit of nightmare society don't you think, where you can't even watch a 10 minute YouTube clip with out it starting with an advert and being interrupted by another advert. Like good little citizens we must continue to buy s**t until we die... either that or gamble it all away! 🙁

I will go for another run today once the sunshine has got rid of the ice and frost. I keep doing healthy things. Walking and running is probably the reason am not riddled with cancer... its given me a good immune system... which is good cos I live in a state of constant low level stress, which isn't so good.

Anyway rambles over. No gambling.

SA,

Hey buddy, I hope your having a nice weekend.

Ive been out for 3 runs in the past 3 days in freezing conditions and its been great. Not necessarily the run but the feeling having completed the runs. When you get back in the house, have a hot shower and sit with a nice cup of coffee. Great therapy. Just getting out in the cold air for half an hour makes me appreciate the time spent inside with a beer and the telly.

Hope you’re well. Take care.

RR

Thanks RR... well at least am sitting with a nice cuppa and I haven't gambled. Am very tired and stressed though. Work is doing my fruit in. A couple of demanding days with several more to follow. There are too many people with high support needs living in homes that aren't supposed to be care homes with too few staff and with equipment that doesn't work. The staff are then forced to work for companies that only care about the bottom line... profit... and only do the minimum amount of training required by law. How are you supposed to work the late shift effectively and safely in a place with 200 flats full of old and disabled people some of whom think they can just press there pendant for anything and everything... with only 3 staff, one of whom only works there occasionally. Its a joke.

Moan over.

I think the above puts my gambling into perspective. Low pay high stress job, pay day comes along, gamble to relieve the pressure (whilst in action) but in reality making things 10x worse. Repeat times 25 years. What a numpty. 

Am not gonna f*****g do it this month.

Thanks for listening.

SA,

Thank you fir your support on my diary.

Your words on my diary read for grim reading to some but for me I think I understand. I am a man with a wife and three kids. Everything that is bought for the house or kids (outside of football activities) is on the back of a wife’s suggestion that we need such and such or the kids need new shoes or books etc. If it were left to me the house would be bare and my kids would walk about in clothes that don't fit. I’m not a bad man but just a typical old fashioned type guy.

Not a day goes by when the wife and I don’t bicker over the heating, the lights being left on (decorative ones on purpose) or every piece of clothing being washed on a daily basis. Don't even get me started on the tumble dryer. So, with that said, if I lived on my own I’d live in darkness and Id wear an extra jumper before putting the heating on. But, I need my wife to keep me in check even although she drives me mad sometimes.

Admin made the suggestion of you calling for support and help. Its not my business to comment on that.

I think you are a wise man in this world who carries out an important job helping people who cant help themselves. You are a caring man. Ive no doubt if you had the funds to care for yourself in a better way then you would. For now you’re just trying to keep a roof over your head.

So, will this be the month where it begins? The beginning of a better life for SA.

I read you run and so do I so we both know the mental benefits that running brings. Why don't you make a solemn vow to run everyday from Thursday 12th Dec to Tuesday 17th Dec. Everyday over this pay period. Even if its just a mile. I’ll do it with you if you’d like and we can compare our highs and lows of each run. I’m struggling a bit with my runs - not the distance but I feel slow and every run is a real effort. As you’ll know consistency corrects this. I’d struggle to run 5 days in a row but if you think it is something that could help you I’ll do all 5 days. If its a stupid idea then discard it. I really hope you get through this payday. I think you are like me in many ways and like me the hardest bit was that first month. I don't want to tempt fate but I’m doing OK but no so long ago I never believed that I could stop.

RR

Cheers RR... No the running thing is a good idea... ive got to do something to stop myself making my situation any worse come pay day. Basically if I pay everything out that I need to pay out then I will be left with f**k all anyway BUT it WILL be slightly more than if I gambled as well. I think when the urge strikes (which it will) I will go running. But anyway ive got to get to pay day first which still seems like an age away.

Work continues to be stressy. Care calls getting longer, new residents moving in, agency staff, doing controlled drugs by myself cos the internal phones don't work, lots of manual handling. Never move your elderly parents into extra care facilities folks... you never know what your gonna get. Every shift is different.

I really don't want to go the staff christmas drinks this weekend because I will probably get drunk and play the clown. I don't want to get drunk, cos i haven't been drunk for years (amazingly enuff) but am stressed so drunknenness is likely. I think that many people are dropping out or choosing to work the late shift instead so they can legitimately avoid it. Do you know what i'd rather do? pay my water bill installment (which is well over due of course) and get myself something nice to eat and then go to bed.  yes you heard that correctly.. pay my water bill instead 🙂

Anyway, life goes on. Thanks for listening

Awww, stay away, SA

I remember one year this led to a relapse for you. Getting drunk then thinking f**k it.

It's nice to have running water 🙂

Thanks Freda 🙂

In the world that I live in most people don't pay there water bill, cos they know that the water companies are not allowed to sever your connection, so they think "whats the point". My mate owes 4 figures to the water people but it doesn't seem to stress him at all. I am not like this. If I can, I pay whats due.

Iv'e woken up feeling stressed. Am already stressing about tomorrows work shift. Am trying to be "mindful" and just live in the moment instead. At some point today I will probably get a text message to say what pub my colleagues will be in ie work exmas drinks. But the thing is I got £50 to last me until pay day. Do I spend half of it on beer??... no I don't.. it would be irresponsible to myself. Sitting in some pub trying to look like am having fun but actually worrying about how much money I am spending and feeling awkward cos I can't afford a round. Inevitably somebody may say "I will buy your beer" but I can't cope with that either... if I can't pay my way then I don't go.. I ain't sponging off nobody.

Note to self: This is why I haven't had a social life for several years... cos I never got any money!

Also, why do I want to wake up on Sunday morning feeling hung over and then have to go to work. Am not going folks 

No gambling.

Thanks for listening

SA,

I can see that your getting stressed out over the Christmas night out scenario and thats not good.

So, as you’ve decided, don't go this year but, next year, you go to the Christmas night out with 12 months GF, money in your pocket and bank and a smile on your face. 

Small bricks my friend. Get building.

RR

Well as it turned out nobody texted or phoned about the night out. Am guessing that it didn't happen or it was just a small number of people. Instead I treated myself to full fat cheese on full fat crackers with mango chutney. I ate the lot in addictive style washed down with copious amounts of sugary coffee. In the end I didn't speak to a soul yesterday, slept badly and have woken this morning feeling stressed about going into work today.

I am struggling but I am not gambling. Gamstop is a god send and bookmakers self-exclusions worked because I wasn't gonna travel for miles to bookmakers out of my area. The urge was there mind. I have sufficient money to get me through to pay day.

I do find it particularly hard this time of year. It really is just a day at a time.

Thanks for listening

Take it day at a time pal. What does gambling actually give us. An escape from life for a bit a buzz but in the end all it does is give us more problem and makes life even worse. So stay strong