Hope

Hi S.A.

I find setting manageable targets help me too. Would love to get back into the running, I admire your stamina. You seem to be in a good place regarding gambling. Keep up the great work. Take care S.A.

Dee

Thanks Dee 🙂

Another day passes gambling free. Its been a good day.. positive and pro-active at work. It gets me thinking that we/I spend so much time at work, that ways must be found to enjoy it or atleast not to hate it. Ive moaned so much about work over the months and finally it seems as if things are starting to settle and am starting to feel happier in myself and happier at work

Must admit I feel proud of myself that I have worked my recovery methodically over the last 10 months since I started this diary and have resisted the pull of short term instant gratification and escapism.. that was my gambling. The consequence is that I no longer live in misery.

I have many things that I need and more importantly want to work on in my life..some of which i still feel scared to tackle BUT when i feel ready i can make progress in these areas.

I now have the freedom to make choices and act upon them. When I was gambling I had no freedom to make life enhancing choices because i was mired in the day to day realities of having no money and no peace of mind.

This is not to say ive got this not gambling lark sorted, because I could choose to gamble at any point. But if I did I would have done so with my eyes wide open, aware of the realities of my gambling. For me I continue not to gamble just one day at a time. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

My diary was on page 2 for the first time in many moons! .. not sure if thats a good thing or not lol Mid-week tiredness is upon me but am wanting to come on and write anyway.

Exactly 10 months ago today and at this time I was gambling. Standing like some zombie feeding some machine.. periodically going over to the cash machine to retrieve more notes.. I did not fully realise it at the time but I was to put more than £300 into £35 jackpot machines and all in a relatively short period of time. I remember (as what was always the case) leaving the gambling hole.. with no money, thirsty as hell and full of regret and self-loathing.

Today I remind myself of this and vow to keep working my recovery one day at a time. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

thanks S.A,

it means a lot to me that people still drop by to read my diary...i was just thinking today how this site and the people here have been a 'rock' and even though i don't post a great deal, i read quite a lot and without you and all the others here my 'rock' would be gone...so a big thanks for the support s.a. any everyone else who posts, we all really do make a difference..;-)

thanks again,

green x

10 months has nearly past for you S.A. Well done. One thing I admire about you is you're not afraid to recall the actions and lengths you took to gamble. You are so far along on your journey, but yet so near. You seem to be very self aware and know exactly the misery that gambling can cause for you. Remembering that raw pain but moving forward with your journey at the same time prevents relapse in my opinion. You are doing so well and I derive strength from your diary. All the best.

Dee

Thank you for your support Bob, Green and Dee 🙂

Am feeling good today!.. day off work. yee haa 🙂

Yesterday my headspace was totally frazzled. I have this thing sometimes that when i feel passionately about something I have the capacity to concentrate very deeply and for a long period of time.

Actually its not completely dissimilar to machine gambling BUT the important difference is that I am using my grey matter and not simply numbing out with a series of repetitative actions.. not simply numbing out with a series of repetitative actions... not simply numbing out with a series of repetitative actions... not simply numbing out with a series of repetitative actions... not simply numbing out with a series of repetitative actions... not simply numbing out with a series of repetitative actions... not simply numbing out with a series of repetitative actions... not simply numbing out with a series of repetitative actions... not simply numbing out with a series of repetitative actions.... lol.. I couldnt resist the above. 🙂

But anyway, once home i realised i'd over done it.. struggled to switch off.. but did eventually do so and went to sleep and this morning i feel bright as a button.

No thoughts or urges to gamble.. a good work out down the gym is in the offing. Regards to all who read this... S.A 🙂

Well its not very often i write twice in one day in my diary.. but today i feel like it. 🙂

I want to mark my tread mill acheivment down the gym.

16.07 km's otherwise known as exactly 10 miles in 1 hour 40 minuites

Am running a 10 mile race with my sisters later in the year and i reckon I can get get that down to 1hr 30 mins.

When I was 20 odd I did a half marathon thats 13 miles and a bit in 1 hour 54 mins.. so i reckon that a similar speed can be acheived even now at the ripe old age of 37.

Afterwards I thought i'd celebrate with a carvery. Its rare for me to go for a restaurant type meal on my own.. feel a bit self-concious.. billy no mates and all that.. but i thought sod it i'm hungry.. piled the plate high with all the usual trimmings.. was delicious! 🙂 Of course nobody really gives a s**t if someone is their on their own.. two busy wrapped up in their own turkey and roast potatoes lol

Today has been a good day and no gambling of course! ... Regards to all.. S.A 🙂

P.s Ive just looked on google 16.07kms is only 9.98543 miles ... dam and blast... lol

Hi SA

You forgot the walk to and from the changing room to the treadmill.

Glad you had a good one!

Take care

Steve E

"16.07 km's otherwise known as exactly 10 miles in 1 hour 40 min" Amazing! I'm green with envy lol . Just checking in on your latest posts, keep up the good work and in a few weeks we'll be congratulating you on your one year anniversary.

Enjoy your week-end!

Hi Nikita.. thanks.. though to be honest i try not to think too much about the year.. its very much one day at a time. Trouble with mile stones is that my gambling head.. in the past has often said to me.. "well done.. why not celebrate with a gamble" .. as bizarre as that may sound.

Targets for not gambling have this tendency to set me up for a fall.. and i do slip back into that thinking sometimes. I guess its that thing of proving to oneself that one can stop.. satisfying the Ego that one can do this not gambling lark.. before returning to the madness. Not this time though!!!

As you can probably tell I feel a bit low and aimless today.. spent the day loafing around and over eating.. washing up left to fester... watching random programmes on Discovery channel.. picked up the phone once and had a chat with a mate but needed to do it a bit more really.. mood is dipping alot.. just gonna go to bed now.. S.A

Have just done some reading and writing.. feeling a bit better now.. the smiley face is back :-).. regards to all who read this.. S.A

Hi SA, bet you thought you had escaped me this week. Hope you have had a better day, good to see the smiley face back. Just dropping in and out of the diary whilst I cook and do other things. Making roast beef with all the trimmings, cyber plate ready? Really impressed with your running, wish I could take it up again, knees are past it. But I still get on the exercise bike when I can't get out on the bicycle. Take care, Love Ostrich x

I have sore man nipples lol Bought a new running top but its too heavy when the sweat soaked in... it was rubbing gently. I had run a good few miles and when I looked down and my top was cover in blood.. not very fetching lol.. having a shower was agony the water stung then like crazy... 🙁

Anyway sore nipples aside.. today has been steady and nothing spectacular but thats ok...it was gambling free and thats what matters. I cooked myself a nice tea tonight.. chicken in a creamy mustard sauce and loads of vege.. very nice. regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Lol S.A. but ouch. Even though you experienced some agony it must feel nice to be able to laugh and appreciate your funny moments in life. The agonising consequences of gambling may not be so laughable. But right now you are living life everyday, keeping yourself fit, cooking yourself nice meals, appreciating your gamble-free existence. Enjoy it S.A. Take care, Dee.

Been to G.A this evening. An inspiring meeting. Just as I think G.A is not really my cup of tea I go to a meeting and it gets the recovery juices flowing once more. My choice is and continues to be... recovery! Just for today I will not gamble. Regards to all who read this.. S.A