Hope

I find it particularly hard at this time of year, too. Not sure if it's for the same reasons but there are certainly a lot of reasons for a person to feel like they want to "cheer themselves up". 

If lack of daylight is hard, I keep reminding myself that it's just 2 more weeks then it will start to very gradually get lighter.

Hi Freda... yes I reckon the lack of sunlight does have an effect on us mortal humans either that or the 5G microwaves broadcasting from every street lamp making us depressed.

I am struggling but also have a resolute determination to finally get through a pay day without f*****g up, something which use to be straight forward just a few years ago.

Am not making things easy for myself though. I felt so tired and fed up when i got home from work yesterday that I worked my way through an entire box of crunchy nut cornflakes and half a loaf of bread and jam. I went to bed feeling like a big fat slug that couldn't sleep, cos my body was too busy trying to digest all the s**t i'd just put into it. But I spose on balance that is better than putting my last remaining few quid into a machine.

Onwards and thanks for listening.

SA,

As you say, resolute determination to get through this payday. That is the true important thing. 

For the first month I ate like a demented pig, put on a few pounds and it seemed like a problem. It wasn’t. In time, it settled down, you return to normal, I lost a few pounds of fat but I never lost any pounds in currency and that was the only important thing.

The mental state of human beings is a thing of marvel. No doubt I struggled massively in the first few weeks but I can barely recall any of it. No doubt I hardly slept, couldn’t concentrate on anything and worried and stressed about everything. But, I cant quite recall the full details or extent of my struggles. In fact, the only lasting thing is that I haven’t gambled in 76 days. All the struggles seem meaningless now. Human brains are programmed this way. When you think back in time you tend to recall good positive memories and something that seemed really bad no longer seems so bad. Strange really.

Anyway, you should only be a few days from payday. Let this be the one you conquer. I’m rooting for you.

RR

Thanks RR

Am physically and mentally exhausted today. So many demands put upon me. Arrived at work to be told that am taking one of the residents to the doctors. This resident is an alcoholic not in recovery and an immature t**t, the sort of person that its just embarrassing to be around cos his behaviour is so innapropriate. He was complaining to the receptionist after just 5 minutes waiting!... and then we see the doctor and the doctor says "how may i help you?" and the t**t goes off on some drunken monologue about nothing... amazingly the doctor had some patience with the him, whilst I slowly lost it inside.

We gets back and then am running around like a headless chicken doing residents tea calls and meds and this resident complains that she hasn't had her call. I explain that she was not in when the staff called at the alloted time. She says but they must come back and i wanted to say... you don't live in a f*****g hotel... but some people just expect don't they, they expect you to run around after them and fit in with exactly what they want .. but am sorry but thats not how it works in supposed "independant living" To anyone whom has lived a charmed life make sure you book yourself into a hotel when you get old cos your gonna be surely dissappointed otherwise.

By 9.30 P.m ive got one lady sitting on a commode waiting to be helped off, one gentlemen sitting in a wheelchair waiting to be hoisted into bed and a crying lady lying on the floor pleading with us not to call an ambulance. The pendants are going cos another lady wants the toilet, another resident wants to know when someone is coming for his call... and two other residents need timed meds at 10 pm.... There are 3 of us and how the f**k I managed to get my bus at 10.12 god only knows. What a s**t shift. Ive said this before folks but never put your elderly parents into supported living cos you never know what your gonna get...

Rant over... no gambling

That sounds like one of the most stressful jobs in the world!

Hope you find less stressful work soon. 

Well... every shift is different. Some shifts are fun and it can be an enjoyable job, but at the moment the place seems to be full of very old and very vulnerable people that should not be there and that creates a lot of pressure, a lot of pressure within me. I am full of stress and anxiety today... the responsibility of it all. People lean on me quite literally sometimes. To make it worse there is a staff meeting, so am going in a bit early. I hate staff meetings with a passion... they are merely box ticking exercises and they always overrun... and then if your on shift afterwards everything runs late. Staff meetings are just stress creating exercises. people talk about there own individual issues and the rota or sit quietly and say nothing and feel angry inside, management has a moan about stuff and then afterwards everything carries on exactly the same as it was before.... o yes and some area manager type person that you have never met before will over you a mince pie lol... as if that will make everything better. Also nobody will listen to each other, they will talk over each other and then you end up thinking whats the point in any of this and retreat into ones own little world.

As for gambling.... well i haven't gambled but I have thought about it. I think it might be a blessing in disguise if I don't get paid tomorrow and it doesn't go in until Monday. If I pay everything that I need to pay I will be left with f**k all... but very slightly more than what ive had to survive on this month. I need to be patient and also kind to myself. As always I sit on a knife edge and it could go either way. Its so easy to tumble into the abyss once more and so much harder just to edge away from the edge if ya see what i mean. Good things come to those who wait.

Am finding this quite therapeutic today..am calming myself a bit. Ive literally been pacing around before I sat down and started to write. Sometimes ya just need to focus ya mind. better to focus on this than focus on the slots. I suppose thats what the slots do to me isn't it... they give me something to focus upon and take me away from myself and my stress. An not so good at dealing with stress. I need a good walk before work and go and vote of course.... mmmm who to vote for?? 

Thanks for listening

Good Morning SA,

Your current state of mind is a cause for concern however, experience of similar situations in your past sits favourably in your corner. This is not a new experience for you.

You work in an under-staffed, high stress job in which you provide a stellar service of care to those who cant care for themselves. This is the time when you need to care for yourself.

My tuppence worth:

- It is financially viable for you to phone in sick for one day to have a rest and re-set your mind and stress levels. You will lose one days pay but wont gamble away a months wage as a result.

- You know that your gambling is a tool to mask how you feel during these difficult times. Last week and the week before were difficult times and you didn't need to gamble to survive them. You’re still here to tell your story. Just because you’ll have funds to gamble doesn't mean you need or want to gamble.

I’m going to worry about you today. We don't know each other but I think I know the type of guy you are and you’re worth worrying about.

Take it as it comes. Get your job done then switch off and relax. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

RR

Hey SA,

Hope you’re ok buddy.

RR

Am ok..  thanks for asking.

SA,

Of course your OK buddy - you’re a warrior of a man both in and out of turmoil. If I had to fall into the deepest hole or even walk through the flames of hell I’d be Ok as long as you were there too because I’d trust that you’d be able to find your way out. And if we were doomed and stuck down there for a while you’d no doubt take great care of me.

So...................chin up, onwards and upwards and sometime in the future we’ll get to where we want to be .

Take care.

RR

Cheers buddy made me smile 🙂

Well iv'e been paid and iv'e paid everything that I need to pay. so that's good.

Onwards to a gamble free future.

SA,

Good to hear from you and glad you are OK.

Ive become something of a weekend runner. One again, the winter nights have gotten to me.

If only I could get out everyday my mental well being would be off the chart. One dose of daily running does me a world of good.

Anyway, I hope work is Ok and not overly demanding for you. Have you got a break over the xmas period or will you be working through?

RR

Thanks RR

Am stressed again this morning. Am on the late shift, so its work related stress

Iv'e come to the conclusion that I don't work in an extra care facility, I work in an "everything project"... everything from a cup of tea and a chat, through to alcoholics, through to people with learning disabilities and mental health problems through to people whom are completely dependant for everything. So many demands... always been pulled in different directions.

.. and then of course you have got folk who kind of just fall through the gaps, have families whom couldn't give a d**n, whom are very isolated and have nothing. One fella whom has had a stroke is so desparate for a haircut that he now looks like the wolf man. He needs a mobile hairdressers but he doesn't or can't organise it himself and his family doesn't organise it and I am told that am not allowed to take him up to the onsite hairdressers that operates once a week because it would constitute "a call" and it hasn't been paid for... it frustrates me... 

Iv'e said this before and I say it again... never move your elderly parents into extra care facilities, however pretty the building or settings might be, cos you never know what your gonna get...

Moan over... no gambling.

Well am having a clear and obvious urge to gamble this morning, am just tired and stressed and fed up. I thought I was gonna have a good shift but it turned s**t. What is it about the run up to christmas,  everybody has falls and gets ill, goes into hospital and comes back 8 hours later supposedly because there is no clinical need to have them there, even though they can barely stand because of the gaping wound in there leg... and this is supposed to be independant living??... and what is it about little old ladies playing the dying duck routine and then low and behold a few minutes later they are fine ie after they have have got you to do something for them or have pandered to the "poor little old me" routine. I haven't got time for all this nonsense. thank f**k ive got a day off today.

Just for today i will not gamble. Am gonna do a list to keep myself busy and focussed cos the urge is strong... and my brain is f****d

1. Do my clothes washing and washing up

2. Actually put a bed sheet on my mattress

3. do some basic tidying up around my flat

3. Go for a run.... essential, cos am putting on weight with all the comfort eating ive been doing

4. Christmas presents to buy list (needs doing)

5. hot bath and relaxation (after run)

6. something nice to eat... involving some vegetables

7... dunno

thanks fort listening