Hope

How wonderful to read your latest post. Somehow, the depths of despair can c ra ck us wide open. I think it's in the act of surrendering and letting go of everything. Once you've done that, anything seems possible.

I promised gamcare I wouldn't try to get around the word sensor but I wanted my sentence to make sense!!!! and I wasn't saying anything untoward. I'm not even sorry. For some reason, I've no tolerance for rules that are just there for the sake of it. I don't use words in an offensive or abusive way, on here. 

Anyway, nice one!

Hey thanks both and pleased to report that no gambling since last post. I have had no urges to gamble.

Of course its relatively easy at the moment because money is so very tight. Three weeks ago I had no idea how i was going to get through till pay day, but as so often happens I/we find ways and means and i don't mean crime. It just so happens that my coach journeys for christmas travel were so badly delayed that with just an email I was able to get my ticket refunded... maybe that was divine intervention to. It means that iv'e bought a bus pass. No epic walks to work and back.

My general stress levels have come down too. So although work is much the same as it was before. I am coping better. However I have been doing lots of early shifts, up at 4.30 a.m. Am so tired much of the time. I get home and all i want to do is go to bed and I do... but then i get up again and iv'e got into the habit of binge eating on sandwiches, toast and cereal which then sits in my stomach and then i can't sleep because am so full. Its a daft thing to do I know but like all addictive behaviours its not so easy just to stop doing it.

On a positive I have been on a couple of runs since new year, so hopefully RR I will be joining you on the fitness and running theme. I usually do a particular half marathon at the end of March, so that will give me something to focus on and look forward to. Its important to find things to look forward to i think.

Anyway that's me... doing ok just now.

Hi SA,

Thanks for the running advice on my diary. I’m always an outdoor runner I don't enjoy the treadmill as much. Also, I cancelled my gym membership a few months back to save some cash. I wasn’t using it frequently and haven’t really missed it.

I’m loving the idea of running at the moment. The runs are hard and I’m nowhere near as fit as I once was but I have run 5 days out of 7 - not going to make the same old mistakes of doing too much too soon and getting injured. Anyway, Ive ran a 5, 6, 4, 5 and 4 miles = 24 miles in first week and I’ll be looking to increase this each week. Going to do my long runs on a Friday and not a Sunday.

Running simply ticks all the boxes for me. When I run I eat better, go to bed earlier, stress less and generally feel all round better.

Delighted to hear that you’re focused on not gambling and are dealing better with your work stresses. Thats good positive news.

Also delighted to learn that you’re out pounding the pavement again. Best medicine. 

Take care. Nice to hear from you.

RR

Thanks RR and yes I was out for a run this morning. I run in the same gear as I run in in the summer. I just add a pair of gloves, cos i get cold hands but that's about it. I go a bit mad when it comes to running. I will run in all weathers accept for icy conditions... that's no fun, its just dangerous. I love to run in snow though but due to global warming I think that will happen less and less.

I haven't gambled since my last entry and just taking each day as it comes.

Thanks for listening.

Hi SA,

Running is great. It's kind of sad but I suppose it's a kind of superpower in this day and age. People are so unfit that it feels kind of magical to be able to travel long distances quickly, on foot. I still can't run for several minutes at a time, I'm at that interval stage. Run a minute, walk a minute - but man, you can get around pretty quickly and cover quite a bit of ground, like this! It makes me feel strong and resilient. I do wonder if our hindbrains like it. Our inner caveman must feel quite unsafe when we can't run 100 metres without gasping for breath. We'd have no chance of outrunning a sabre tooth tiger. I wonder if we instinctively feel safer, the fitter we are. Something we wouldn't really notice, in a modern environment.

Haha! hoisting your trainer! oh lala! I get where you're coming from on this front but the date guy and I had been texting for over a month and no humour at all in that time. Not a lively person.

Happy hoisting!

Hi SA,

Thanks for your post.  I absolutely agree regarding the connection with people. You look around now and everyone's noses are in the screens. Social media.

When i was little i had no mobile phone. I was out there, in nature, climbing trees, skipping the rope, playing hide and seek..connecting with other children in real world. Seeing and expressing emotions..not the emoji's on a phone.

The social media world is fake. It invites evil over. People checking in in airports announcing their departures for a week or two..perfect opportunity for the dark side to wipe their houses clean. 

People expressing emotions on the screen which are mostly not accurate. I did it myself..i said "im ok" when couldn't stop the tears. 

People has no time for real world anymore. ..shopping online, food ordering online, chatting  - online, reading news - online, meetings - online. Everything is done online these days....sad reality indeed.

Anyhoo, what a rant huh..ya can guess im not exactly the happy clappy person today lol.

Good stuff on runs. I did 5k yesterday. Struggled since "op" but was determined to complete it. Slow speed really. Done it in 27mins but as long as i kept running, that counts the most. Waiting for warmer weather to get out and about on tracks in nature. I am stuck in the gym presently which is also a bit fake environment.

Whoop whoop on the trainer lol..check you out SA!? welcome these good emotions, they are real..maybe a bit embarrassing sometimes but hay ho, we are only humans! (I still have this bad crush on my colleague..who is really bad boy lol but i just can't help it every time i see him).

Enough for this Thursday catch up me thinks.

Have a good day and thanks for dropping by!

S&B xx

Thanks for your thoughts folks 🙂

Am off out for Christmas drinks with my neighbour, even though Christmas has come and gone lol 

I shall limit how much money i have on me... self protection and all that.

Am feeling ok at the moment.

Thanks for listening

SA,

I love it. Christmas drinks on Jan 17th. I’m going to try that one with the wife ?

Have a fabulous day. Great to see you back on the forum and doing well. I always take so much from your diary and wise words.

Have a lovely day and weekend.

RR

Good Morning SA,

I hope you had a great day out and life is being kind to you.

Also, I hope your getting out for a few runs. This cold morning air does amazing things for the head and manages to de stress me.

Take it easy.

RR

its all gone to s**t again... felt the urge, acted on it, done my b******s... paid all the bills, blown the rest. Pathetic.

I really was a very sick puppy, sitting at some machine, in some bookmakers that am banned from.... mindlessly pressing the buttons, until all available funds gone.

So starting over for the 6 millioneth time. What will i do differently this time? Well the plan is that when next pay day comes, I will pay my bills and then transfer the excess to my sister and she can drip feed it back to me.

Strange thing is is that ive just got off the phone to my mate and he's done exactly the same thing.

I am mentally ill, I have an impulse control disorder... when will I ever get this into my thick skull.

SA,

I’m so sorry for you. Its a hard read but at least the bills are paid.

It makes sense for you to try transferring funds to your sister. This may be all that it takes to get you through a month and well and truly on your way to rehabilitation.

You’ll be devastated no doubt but try not to be too hard on yourself. This has been a long, hard struggle for you in recent times but I’m absolutely certain that this will change eventually. Hopefully, this change will start tonight.

Take care. Keep posting and never, ever give up.

RR

I think this is a good idea, to get through the biochemically difficult bit. Your brain will be screaming for dopamine the first month, especially.

I know you will get on top of this, if you keep going.

Keep pushing on SA....

Ps. I allow you to stalk me (& Bells) on FB if ya find it therapeutic ?

Stay safe...yeah?

S&B xx

..... I will stay safe 🙂

..... as is usually the case, after the binge, comes the panicky and then the sadness and a general hatred of self and gambling.... and then comes the digging deep and getting through day by day. I am a master at making a very small amount of money last along time, but its no life.... 

.... but I get back on my horse and carry on.... I can't afford to wallow in self-pity, so i won't. 

At the end of the day we all make choices. I choose to be Ok. I am ok.

Thanks for listening

Reminder to self about the proper value of money

Bag of potatoes, jar of coffee, loaf of bread, 1 kg of sugar. Total cost £4

.... which is the same as two £2 spins on the slots in the bookies, gone in 5 seconds.

Nothing else needs to be said.