Hope

No gambling since last post

...and following on from my last post.. I have just over £10 to spend on food... I will take my calculator with me and spend, if I can, down to the last penny on healthy wholesome food.

It scares me the thought of going hungry. Am active and need to eat quite a lot to keep me going.

My mind, body and soul has been fatigued and stressed this last week. The pressure of work and then some long walks to work and back to save some money. This has been my routine of things for many months. Over time it grinds me down... it would grind anybody down.

Fortunately I now have some annual leave to take, so i can relax and then enjoy some good long jogs. Iv'e picked up a couple of over time shifts, but only two. I could work almost every day of my leave but that's just silly... I would break down.

Am not worried about gambling during my time off because I have only just enough money to get by (pocket money for the basics of life if you will) and am not in self-destruct mode. Pay day comes when I go back to work proper and I will cross that bridge when I get there.

Thanks for listening

Hi SA,

Glad to learn your gamble free. You seem to be in good spirits which is great. I’m sure the running will be helping.

My back is doing a bit better but I hadnt ran in a week which was a bit of a nightmare because I’d been going out 4 or 5 times per week. I’d ran eight miles just over a week ago and felt great. Yesterday I ran five miles and felt devoid of energy. Sometimes that can happen. 

Running sure does help me and I’m desperate to really push on this year and reap the benefits that I know regular exercise can give. I want to be consistent with it and run longer and faster. Like all things I’ll only get out what I put in.

RR

... yes indeed RR, we get out what we put in.

Iv'e had a fantastic run this morning. One hour and 40 minutes, started off real slow, after a while I went to steady pace and then a short dash at the end. Felt great from beginning to end....

Sometimes i don't understand the human body though. On the face of it I should have struggled, cos yesterday I spent the day eating cheese on white bread and then this morning I went for the run after two cups of sugary coffee and no breakfast. My diet isn't good much of the time and yet at approaching 48 years old am still allowed to get away with it, my body allows me to put s**t into it but still gives me the energy to jog for miles and miles. In that respect I am very lucky and i need to be mindful of that.

I was watching a Youtube video on the links between refined carbohydrates and heart disease... yes a very cheery topic and too much bread is not good news... that's me done for then. Even with wholemeal bread which is what I eat mostly is still refined to an extent and apparently all refined carbs play havoc with our insulin levels and given time will give you diabetes. Am having a baked potatoe for lunch, that's not to bad is it.

Thanks for listening

Dear diary

One hour and 45 minutes.... so that's 3 hours and 25 minutes of slow to steady jogging, over 2 days, with some hilly bits along the way. Am very pleased and as yet no major side effects or injury. I make sure I stretch after, which simply involves squatting down for 30 seconds, repeat, repeat... stretches my calves. I find if I don't do this my legs will stiffen up real bad. I also eat slow release carbs soon after along run (i.e a large bowl of porridge with full fat milk) cos otherwise I get the glucose crash "real bad" some time later in the day, where I feel almost faint and my eye sight goes real weird with strange zig zag lines (like a visual migraine in my vision). Its a bit scarey, but iv'e come to understand that its that its all related to blood glucose and insulin levels and the bodies processes gone a bit haywire cos you have pushed yourself to where your body wasn't really designed to go. I must admit that i don't do sports drinks anymore for similar reasons. My body seems very sensitive to glucose levels.

Anyway, thanks for listening.

Nice one! I like the way running puts you in touch with your body and what it needs. 

It's good to get that natural high. Exercise has helped me a lot with managing stress, over the past week or two.

Thanks Freda.. well it all went a bit t**s up later in the day. I decided to pop up Asda with the £2.66 I had in my pocket. Amazingly I managed to get a full size loaf of wholemeal bread for 10p!... however I then thought i'd treat myself (after all the days running exertions) and got some crisps. I got the family bag... 6 small bags in a pack, knowing only too well that i'd scoff the lot within seconds, which I did. I then proceeded to eat half a loaf of bread and marmalade and felt like a fat Paddington bear. I went to bed feeling really full and bloated and yes of course couldn't sleep. When i did eventually get to sleep, I had the most shocking dreams that i can still remember as I write this, which makes me think that something tragic has happened. O and my thighs are aching this morning but am still gonna go for a run, cos I always seem to take things to the extreme.... mmmm familiar theme with the likes of gambling!!

Thanks for listening

I just been reading about the delays to Universal credit rollout. Gets me thinking about my own dire financial situation. I try not to think about it too much, but its always there at the back of my mind and no doubt influences my thoughts when am decided whether to gamble or not. Its like I have a debt to Universal credit, from a time when I signed on, got an advance and then promptly went back to work and didn't qualify for any future payments from them and hence didn't start any repayments for the loan. Now the thing is, it was a genuine claim, cos it was back in the summer when my mental health had deteriorated and I had to cancel my shifts cos i'd become paranoid through stress and over work. But I did bounce back quickly, you have to when you live on the edge and your on your own, cos otherwise you just go under completely. But inevitably they then wrote to me, implying that I had committed fraud and demanded payment. 

Now the thing is this, I did the right thing. I phoned them and got a payment plan in place, which I have stuck to but my point being is that my gambling head says... "win it, pay it back, job done, stress gone". I know this is distorted addict thinking. I know that i should just let this debt reduce slowly, like i am doing with all my other debts and yet the thoughts persist, despite history saying that all that happens in reality is that I just end up gambling all my money away and living like a pauper for yet another month! Its a dreadful addiction to have.

Thanks for listening

Have you reached out to Gamcare when you're having these thoughts? 

Seems like these are our vulnerable times, when thoughts get like this. Maybe it's something different you could try. Strengthen that "I matter" muscle, like you did when you started saying "no" at work.

Just a suggestion. Maybe you have another self-care idea you could incorporate, if this doesn't sound right for you.

Yes, it does sound like am setting myself up for yet another fall. Will power in and of itself has never been enough for me and i always find my way around self-imposed blocks. It is strange that I use to find it easy not to gamble and yet for the last 3 years iv'e struggled. I talk the talk but am not walking the walk. Was it always my purpose in life to see what its like to struggle with addiction??

I do need to do something different come pay day. I know that I will pay my rent and bills but after that....

I need to be a man with a plan.

Iv'e got 9 or 10 days to come up with it.

Thanks for listening

Iv'e been having a good think about things.

Its never really helped me to ascribe to the disease/illness model. I am powerless over gambling etc etc. Labelling myself as an addict as a compulsive gambler as mentally ill.... Cos what does that do to me?... it brings on a sense of shame and gets me feeling like I have to hide away. It lowers my self esteem and perversely makes me want to gamble more. It doesn't work.

I enjoy gambling in the moment, that's for sure. It is fun and sometimes you make some easy money, but of course I don't like the consequences when I lose... but does that make me mentally ill?... you could argue that no it doesn't, all that's happened is that I have made some poor choices and the next time iv'e gambled away my money I have made another poor choice... does that make me ill, bad, mad??

Don't get me wrong, am not trying to justify my gambling in any way but maybe what I am saying is that iv'e developed a habit and pattern of behaviour that isn't doing me any favours BUT and as i have successfully done before I can unlearn my current habits and behaviours and "choose" different habits and behaviours without labelling myself as mad or bad.

Not sure if this is making sense but it kind of does to me and that's what matters.

Thanks for listening

Hi SA,

Ive read your post with interest and have a few thoughts.

Ive never labelled my gambling as a disease but I don't judge others who do. I think gambling is highly addictive and when you’re in it it is very hard to get out but when I get out the cycle I don't find it too hard staying out. If I go back in it will be a moment of madness, a drunken night, or after a brutally bad fight with the wife etc where I am so fed up I act as if I don't care any more about the consequences. 

In my experience I take the addiction so far that when I stop things drastically improve and eventually I accept the debt and life gets better very quickly.

I agree that gambling can be fun and exciting of course it is but not for me and you. We’ve ruined that. In my head I think Id like to put a fiver on three teams on a coupon but I’m kidding myself because that isnt enough for me. For me, it would be hundreds placed in return for thousands and if I win I put more and more on until all is lost. I cant control it.

Gambling is no good for us. I don’t believe you want to gamble for fun or excitement. Maybe for escapism or as a a coping mechanism and if this were true alarm bells should ring loud.

Put in the work now and invest in your future. You will reap the benefits of abstinence and you know this. You are going to someday so it may as well be now.

RR

Yes I just find myself nodding along when I read your thoughts RR. The reality for me is that I have re-established my addiction from a time when I found it easy not to gamble. I mean its painfully obvious that I gamble as a coping mechanism and yet if you were to tap me on the shoulder whilst I was in action, i'd tell you it was all about winning money, before telling you to sod off and stop watching me gamble. I don't really understand why I am finding it so difficult to step back into a recovery mindset, especially given all the knowledge and self-awareness that I supposedly have. Anyway 17 days gamble free.

Difficult day at work yesterday, an over time shift, which I now regret doing, its left me feeling unsettled and stressed.... and I suppose thats the point with the gambling, a way to cope.... well not today that's for sure.

All for now, thanks for listening

Mad? No.

Bad? No. 

Craving dopamine? Yes.

SA,

I am the same. I always convinced myself that I gambled for money and nothing else but the truth is if I went to a roulette machine and won quickly I wouldn't be satisfied. When this happened I knew I was in trouble. It was the time I needed. I was all about the desperation of being heavily down and waiting on a few numbers only for them all to come in in quick succession and turn a big loss into a big win. Many times I had and lost large sums when only an hour previously I’d convinced myself that I just needed a small win. Just a little.

That takes me to Freda’s point about the craving of dopamine. Of course our brains crave this rush that we’ve provided it with so many times before but that is true for all addictions whether it be nicotine, heroin, C*****e, alcohol, food etc. One thing remains the same for all recovering addicts which is the cravings reduce and subside after a relatively short period of time. All recovering addicts will say the same “I wish I quit years ago”.

Personally, and I can only speak for myself, I think physical cravings subside after about 21 days and mental cravings subside after about 90 days. Thats my experience with addiction with total abstinence. 

RR

SA,

Ref above post by me. I sound like I’m preaching but I don't mean to. I am without doubt a hopeless gambling addict who is lucky enough to be on a quit. I have struggled on and off with this terrible addiction for many, many years. I have had long periods of abstinence only to relapse and quickly become worse than ever. I’m doing better today and I just desperately want the same for you. You are a great guy and I just want to know that you’re doing well and winning at life.

Take care buddy. Best wishes.

RR