Hope

Confessional.

Not doing smashing.

40 odd days gamble free and then on Saturday just gone the madness took hold once more. I now have a nil balance in my bank account and have completely exhausted all lines of legitimate credit. I now have 10 days to survive with no money whatsoever.

Strange thing though, am not emotionally devastated am just kind of shrugging my shoulders.. it is what it is. No use getting devastated over money, that much i have learnt. Its a short term crisis for a long term problem.

Iv'e just made an appointment to see the doctor, (after pay day as need money for prescription). I was high as a kite on saturday. I need meds to keep me on a level, cos when am high I get excited about the idea of gambling. I need to take my mental health seriously for once and recognise that am I have long term mood disorder (undiagnosed) but it definately exists....

Here we go again...

Thanks for listening

I got an earlier appointment... no use leaving it longer, whilst am actually motivated to go

Ahhhh..SA...sorry to read this ?

I have no words of advice believe me ot not (said it all before)but take it day at a time....do seek support from docs, look after yourself.

You know where i am...please do get in touch, the least i can offer id help out at least with prescription charge.

Look after you ok..slowly slowly catchy monkey, you will get better xx

S&B xx

Hi SA,

Sorry to learn that you’ve had a stumble. Nothing more I can really say. I truly believe you’ll get where you want to be soon. Just got to keep going and keep working towards the solution.

Reading your posts can be heart breaking because its clear to the reader that the life you live seems so much harder than a life without gambling. I say that without any judgement whatsoever and from one who knows only too well that being stuck in the cycle is extremely hard to break free from. 

In truth, historically, when I stumble I remain in the cycle for a long time. Months and months of hurting myself until I cant take anymore. So, I get it. Its very hard. On the other hand, when I finally stop I can stop for long periods.

Take care. Stay in touch. Its important to keep posting, keep running and remember any benefits both physically and mentally you experienced during your 40 days.

RR

Thanks both... your thoughts mean a lot 🙂 It must be very frustrating reading and responding to my diary. Someone who can talk the talk but isn't walking the walk. For me its even more frustrating and now iv'e almost reached that point where it feels like the grim reaper is coming to collect me.

The true ramifications of Saturdays gambling are starting to reveal themselves, which i shall talk about, but first off... a statement of intent..

My last gamble was Saturday 29th February.... and this WILL be my last gamble.

I chose not to gamble with my life anymore.

It really is that serious.

Yesterday, tuesday, am up at 4.30 a.m, the usual time I get up when am on the early. I decide not to take any food to work, thinking that i can probably get through, cos there is always somebody who says "do you want this or want that" or there are biscuits or a random pot noodle just lying around. I am rationing food... cos i have to. If am looking at it postively as its a good way to lose my belly for my half marathon at end of the month (assuming I make it).Anyway I gets to work early as always.

Normally am the first to arrive but today there is a woman I have not met before sitting in the office. As it turns out she is part of the management and has seemingly been brought in to shake things up. When I think about it, things have always been very lax at my work from a professional point of view.... muddle through and make do... has always been the way of things. Anyway I keep out the way for the most part, just get on with my job.

Anyway at the end of the shift I walk in the office and am asked "Did you put cream on Johns Smiths legs?" (obviously not his real name)... ermm, yes... "did you sign the marr chart?"... ermm no... "right your off meds, your going to have to re-do your competences!!".Well initially I fight my corner and says, "but there isn't even a marr chart in there"... iv'e just dug my hole deeper, cos as it turns out there was, but also as it turns out nobody had been signing and she realised that if she was gonna discipline me then she was gonna have to discipline everyone.... so she relented. I relented as well, cos I realised that I really do need to stay in work if I can possibly help it, so I quickly turned into a yes man, nodding donkey, I agree, your right etc etc.

Anyway I left work, emotionally feeling f****d, stress levels high. I decided to go to my mates. Its the last day of my weekly bus pass and then the walking begins until pay day. He's in, I goes up, goes in, sits on his couch and promptly bursts into tears. I didn't see it coming, it just happened. I had no control over it... it was gonna happen whether i liked it or not. Now I don't know about you but in the world that i live in it is still the case that when a woman bursts into tears its kind of seen differently as to when a man bursts into tears. A man brusts into tears... its gotta be tradgedy right?... its a shame but this still persists. Most men that i know do conceal their feelings, except maybe anger.

Anyhow to my surprise, my mate (ive never known hin to cry), responds positvely with the pat on the back, a tissue and a hot drink. I then get a bit of a lecture about where I have gone wrong (but that was ok) before he goes off to the kitchen to get me a bag of pasta, a jar of pasta sauce and a tin of beans to take home. The reality is that he is in the same position as me, except that he doesn't work, so when he blows his money he just hunkers down in his flat and does nothing that costs any money. He's actually got so use to this way of living that he says that he is perfectly happy, its fine, its only money, "you have it, you don't have it" he says.

I kind of get it when you don't work, cos you don't have the pressure of work and the "how the f**k do you get to work, if ya got no money, if you can't walk there". he's also early 60's now, so he is just hanging on in there until he is offically retired off to the nackers yard.

I gets the bus home. I walk in the door and I realise how hungry I am. Iv'e eaten nothing of any consequence since 5 a.m and now its 7 pm and iv'e got serious hunger pangs. Out comes the pasta and sauce, bubble in hot water, add sauce, eat at my usual brake neck speed. Enough for a family of 4 gone in a flash. So much for rationing food. Sits on couch, actually falls asleep which is unusual for me, but soon wakes again, freezing cold. I never put my electric storage heaters on. Am like an animal waiting for spring and the warmth that it may bring.... there is a poem there somewhere 🙂

Its now the following day. I wait for the council to come and fix my emersion heater. Iv'e had no hot water for 10 days or so. Am supposed to be going to a staff meeting to find out what the new regime will be like but if the council don't come till later then i won't go cos i really could do with a soak in the bath. Its fine boiling a kettle and standing in front of a sink to wash but after a while it gets a bit tiresome. If i do go its big walk there and back. I won't go.. b******s to it. My mate has given me a bus pass (he got from the job centre) for tomorrow. he says i have to go round to him and then go to a board games afternoon that he helps run for folk in a block of flats near him, he says he has another bus pass he can give me for Friday so i can get to work and back. So the long and the short of it is that if i play scrabble with some retired folks then i get a bus pass. I will play scrabble.

Life goes on... I really am just taking each moment as it comes.... I can make it, even after all these years of not making it.... but I am struggling to stay on a level. Doctors on Monday. Get my happy pills.

I still enjoy writing... therapy

Thanks for listening

Hi SA, it is indeed a sad read as I catch up on your life events. Your journey is so similar as my own. One can't help but question why on earth we do this to ourselves? Seriously? Have you ever sat down in a calm and relaxed state of mind and wondered? I have, and can't come up with any particular reason. We must hate ourselves though for sure. What kind of person that has any kind of love or respect for themself would create so much self destruction? So sad.

Sorry I can't be a bit more cheerful but I am in a low mood myself today. No reason I don't think, just seem to have been like this since waking up earlier. My last bet was about 11 days ago or so, I am not really counting or that interested to be honest.

Sad though as we are both still at it more than 10 years after meeting here and responding to each others posts. Just how many others are like this too? This illness is quite extraordinary.

Well, I shall keep fighting on and I hope you do too. Only we can change our lives. Look after yourself mate, Simon.

Dear @S-687,

Thank you for your recent post and for allowing us to support you, it's good to hear that you find writing therapeutic. Please continue to keep writing, posting and hopefully perusing other things that you find provides you with therapy.

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so low and that you're struggling, it's concerning to hear that you've "now almost reached that point where it feels like the grim reaper is coming to collect me."

I'm really glad to hear that you've got an appointment with your GP on Monday, if you don't feel you can wait until then for medical support then please call the NHS 111 who are able to give advice and make urgent out of hours appointments with a local GP if needed.

You can also access the below mental health websites, many also have a support helpline that you can call too.

https://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/suicide/

https://www.thecalmzone.net/

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/

https://headsupguys.org/mens-depression/suicide/

https://www.samaritans.org/

It's also worrying that you're running low on food and are either going without eating for a long period of time or rationing food. You can contact local food banks in your area to find out further details for accessing free food, there is always food available for you so please do not feel your only choice is to go without. Your GP should be able to give you more details on this too.

www.trusselltrust.org/get-help/find-a-foodbank/

https://www.salvationarmy.org.uk/emergency-assistance

If you contact the Citizens Advice, they can talk through any options available for help with essential living costs such as your food and travel to and from work. Your local council may be able to assist you too, they sometimes have a crisis loan option but there is criteria to meet to be eligible for this service.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/

I really do hope you manage to get your hot water fixed soon, ten days is a long time to go without hot water so if it isn't repaired today, please ring your landlord to chase this up and to hopefully get a date that this will be resolved in the near future. Even if you feel you have to complain to escalate this further about how long you've had no facility to bathe.

Having a hot soak can really help you to feel better, especially if you're doing long walks to work and back home after busy shifts helping care for others.

Have you tried gaining further support through some counselling sessions? If not, this may really help you and your recovery and we can arrange a free referral for you if you contact us.

We also have a new "Relapse Prevention Group" that is held online every Tuesday from 6pm to 7pm that you may find helpful if you're eligible to access it. You can find out further details and register your interest to attend by contacting 0207 801 7008 or emailing @gamcare.org.uk">London@gamcare.org.uk

https://www.gamcare.org.uk/news-and-blog/news/gamcare-launches-new-relapse-prevention-groups/

It's good to hear you have support from your friend and that you opened up to him, well done. Do you think it would help to talk about your struggles with someone you trust at work so that they are aware of the situation, how it's impacting you, your work performance and so that they can support you? They may even be able to make reasonable adjustments at work to help you and your journey in to recovery or to accommodate your temporary change in mode of travel before starting work and after finishing.

Please remember that you're never alone and that we're always here for you. No matter how severe things are at the moment, you can overcome the problem gambling and you can go on to  live a happier, gamble free life. Although it's a challenge, it is one that many go on to achieve and that you can achieve it too.

This relapse does not take away all the hard work, sacrifice and determination you previously put in. Although it is a stumble, it is one that you can recover from. We can work through everything together. We believe in you and your ability to recover. 

If you would like further support or to talk then please call our helpline on 0808 8020 133 or access our Netline via our GamCare website. We're always here, day and night for you and anyone affected by problem gambling.

Sending you all the best, please take care of yourself and remember your worth.

Kindest Regards

Joanne

Forum Admin

It's not frustrating reading. I think you navigate your environment with impressive strength at all times. I struggle to cope with a much milder version of the same sort of situations. 

I don't know what the answer is because if you magically took gambling out of the equation, there are very real, systemic problems driving our feeling that we need to escape. Employers constantly gaslight us, saying we are responsible for mistakes we make, even though they give us a workload that is so overwhelming, it's impossible not to make mistakes. Catch 22's. At every turn. A lack of dignified work available. We struggle to live on benefits but then if you work, you are no better off and a lot more stressed. I wont go on too much because the reality is too difficult to look at sometimes. 

I'm sure we've spoken before about the addiction experiment. The rats who get addicted to heroin, when there's nothing else in their environment to provide pleasure or comfort. It's not the rat, or even the addictive substance - it's the cage they find themselves in.

I know this is not exactly a positivity speech but it does remind us that we are normal and reacting in an understandable way, to a very challenging environment. It's not inevitable that we sink into addiction but it is understandable that we lapse and relapse and struggle to overcome it. Not because it cannot be overcome but because it's extremely difficult to overcome. It's not because we are weak, stupid, faulty or anything else - it's because anyone in the same circumstances would also legitimately struggle. There is nothing wrong with us, there is a lot wrong with the world. The deck is stacked against us. We are doing amazingly.

SA,

You are undoubtedly a fabulous survivor of tough situations. I have followed your diary for many years and although some posts are heartbreaking when you’ve read as much as me I know you’ll get through the next ten days. It’ll be difficult and challenging but if anyone can get through it it’ll be you.

Your friend is the salt of the earth. He seems like a real decent guy and it made me happy to think that he was able to help you in a time of need even when he has his own struggles.

Life can be full of ups and downs and good and bad times. Don't ever get used to the lows and the bad times. These are not permanent. They are the here and now for you but nobody knows what the future holds. Things can change very quickly in this life. Good and happy times are waiting for you to take hold of them. Its hard but your worth it.

Keep looking for the solution. Thats all we can do.

Take care. I hope the next week and a half are as kind to you as they can be.

RR

Thank you Joanne and Freda...I think about what you say. Your thoughts make me feeling like people care even when I don't care about myself. So tired just now. Work was crazy stress, all these elderly vulnerable people coming out of hospital, trying to sort out there meds, constantly rushing from flat to flat. Residents pressing there buzzers complaining about this and complaining about that, other disabled people, s**t up to the eyeballs.... it was a trully mad shift... no break... relentless.  I feel so f****d but happy to have survived it.

I have hot water in my flat that is a good thing.

My mate appeared at my front door this morning with another bus pass. Thank f**k for that. I would still have been walking home if it wasn't for that. Today he was my guardian angel.

Tomorrow I go to his place with another bus pass he gave me yesterday. Like I said before... the deal is that i go with him to some board game thing he organises and in return he gives me another bus pass so that i can get to work on Friday. I am grateful.

On Saturday I am not at work and my mate is taking me to a place he goes to get free food. Thats the plan at this moment in time anyway. I am not looking forward to this. I have never had to go to a food bank type place. Am not sure I will be able to go... pride and all that.

Sunday... work.... 7 a.m till 10 pm... crazy mad shift. I will be walking there and maybe back to if mate not got anymore bus passes.... but after that i have 3 days off and then one more work day and then pay day....

..and I won't be f*****g gambling 

The last 3 years have been horrendous... it started once i discovered online gambling. My life has got progressively worse... ever since, even after I blocked myself from the online. I see it clearly now. I have been ill and have got iller as time has passed. Am surprised I haven't had a heart attack or a stroke with the amount of stress iv'e put myself through. I shouldn't really be alive, but I am. Its only my physical fitness that keeps me going. Ive often spoken into the void, asking to be taken in my sleep, but I always wake. I guess its not my time. I better start living then.

Thanks for listening

.... and thank you to RR... I see you have just posted... Your thoughts mean a lot

(((((((((SA)))))))))

Just a short message, im a bit a mushhead today lol...too tired...just wanted to drop by.

My love and best wishes

S&B xx

Hi SA,

Reading your last post really got me thinking. The pain we put ourselves through. All the stress, the worry, the sleepless nights. The lack of self care. All of this torture occurs during the “in action/chasing/losing” period. None of it makes sense. The suffering is far greater in action than it is in abstinence. So why do addicts find it so hard to stop. Id get it if it were the other way around where “using” was so fabulous and abstinence so horrendous.

For me, and without arrogance, my memories of the past 162 days are not of hardship. The past 162 days were a walk in the park compared with the same period prior to stopping again. That period of gambling was utterly horrendous and words cant describe how hopeless and scared I was. The memory of quitting cant be compared to the memory of realising in one hour I had lost thousands. So why is it universally so hard to give ANYTHING up.

The human mind is a complex thing. We can either convince ourselves that anything is possible or that everything is impossible.

I get frustrated with myself and feel sad for you because as you mentioned your last three years has been horrendous and Ive no doubt if you stopped today the next three years would be brilliant in comparison. Stopping anything bad isn’t bad its just different and the trick surely is to trick our brains into believing if not easy its surely easier. How do we achieve this?

RR

Its all crazy mad isn't it RR.... addiction doesn't make any sense. To carry on doing the same behaviours over and over, somehow expecting different results.

I am just now, this afternoon starting to calm myself and get a bit of perspective on my situation. Yesterday was just awful, it turned into a duvet day, could hardly get out of bed and when I did i just watched some P**n and then went back to bed again. Say it as it is lol. Supposedly i was going to my mates and then to some games thing in exchange for mate giving me a bus pass for work today, but that all came to nothing. I couldn't face it.

So today I was up at 4 left for the long walk to work at 5 and busy doing my job by 7. Somebody at work said... do you want some chocolate.. I says yes please. Then later I am making an old lady a sandwich and she says you have one to if you want... so i do. Little do these people know that they are helping me more than they could imagine. I am not hungry. At the end of my shift one of colleagues says... am going your way do you want a lift... Yes please!.. she takes me nearly all the way home. I am grateful. She does not know how grateful I am. Nobody at work knows that I have not a penny to my name... and no access to any mainstream credit or family money

I think what makes my latest fall from grace even worse than the past is that although I have often been in a situation where i have access to very little money to last a number of days, ive never been in the situation of having absolutely nothing at all... I almost feel naked. Money really is a necessary evil isn't it. I have a love hate relationship with money.

Anyway like i say am starting to calm. I will make it to payday. Its likely that my cupboards will be completely bereft of food as well as the fridge, but all being well I won't be hungry. It will be like a completely fresh start, the slate rubbed clean.

I feel ok at this moment in time. I am a survivor. I can get through adversity. Like I say iv'e had 3 years of adversity and now am finally gonna turn the corner.... cos I want to... I am motivated.

Thanks for listening

P.s doctors Monday.... I am taking my poor mental health seriously and will do something about it.

Hey dude,

I watch P**n when I'm in a bad place, too.

Sounds like a lot of grace came your way, today. Means more when you're desperate for some reason, doesn' it? As you said, they had no idea how much it helped.

Onwards and upwords!