Hope

Its been one of those slightly frustrating days where I seem to have allowed other peoples behaviours.. to get under my skin.

Why is that at moments when i want or need to concentrate on something, collegues start talking to me or at me or otherwise just generally start being irritating!!!! and why is it that when people disagree with something they dont just bloody well say so... instead of going about it by making sniddy comments about other things designed to get one irritated. And why do people need to tell blatant lies to try and cover something up or deny having ever said something or done something when they planely have... why not just be honest Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!

These are retorical questions of course i have been guilty of similar things when i was gambling, but not now.. not that i am aware off. I keep trying to work on my negative character traits.. it does frustrates me sometimes when others don't...

Moan over lol .. am fine now... all washed over and gone.

Another gambling free day. I am happy 🙂

Another day dawns gambling free. No urges or thoughts of gambling.

Just reading what I wrote on Thursday above gets me thinking about character change. Sitting here after a good nights sleep gets me wondering what those annoyances were all about. Of course the reality was that I was feeling mentality tired and a bit stressed out and consequently other peoples behaviour got to me more than they otherwise would do. I realise now that all I can do is work on my own character and how i behave and react to others as best i can.

Overall my life is getting better and I am starting to feel better. I am wanting to escape less and less. I don't want to gamble. I don't want to get drunk. Haven't been drunk now since before xmas. I am not trying to stop drinking altogether but in recent months I have been able just to have a couple of pints and leave it at that. I am also wanting to comfort eat less and eat more fruit and vege and exercise more.

My life is not perfect and I am not perfect and sometimes I regress into old habits and ways of thinking and being. But the important point is that I don't want addiction and addictive behaviours to control my life anymore. I am changing the way i live my life.. one day at a time. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

hi s.a,

Thanks for your post.....like you say in your last post all we can do is try and be better as people, think that's also a big part of recovery, not sure about you but i suppose the reasons i liked to be alone in the past were to hide my secret life of gambling, that doesn't mean to say every girl i meet or relationship i get in to I'm going to fall in love....all 'normal' people go through exactly the same stuff, some of them choose to be alone some not, so i guess it's just a matter of what makes you/me happy as individuals.

glad your recovery is going well, you seem very clear of your path, and me and am sure many others can relate to your words, keep up the good work...;-)

green x

hi s,a

glad to see you are still going strong.think my mind is working a little like yours in terms of gambling.very little or no urges at all.bored with gambling.

maybe people annoying you at work would have in the past led you straight to gambling after work,i know all i needed was a little excuse to justify gambling and make it ok to gamble.no longer my friend,and by the sounds of it you neither,

keep it goin,you are making great strides

neil

Thanks Neil and well said. In the past I would have used anything to justify gambling to myself such was my distorted way of viewing the world. I have no reasons to gamble.

Am just back from the gym.. 16.71 km's in one hour 40 minutes. Thats over 10 miles! I haven't run these sort of distances for several years. Have just eaten a small hill of tuna pasta and i wonder why my belly never quite goes away lol.

Anyway all is basically ok.. met a friend for coffee earlier which was nice. No thoughts or urges to gamble. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Just checking in. Another day passing gambling free. Thats it really.. seem to have started to ease off from the posting. I guess this is a natural progression. Though me being me am sure i will start up again soon.

Am away for easter so may not check in here but I am continuing to work my recovery one day at a time as always. Regards to all who read this.. S.A

Hi S.A,

just dropped by to say have a great break at the weekend, i'm planning the same, 'Happy days'....;-).

green x

Thanks Green.

Well its done me the world of good to get out of my local area if only for a couple of days. The change of scenery and enjoying the company of my family.

Ive had a little look at a few other diaries, familiar and the not so familiar. Am reminded of where i have come from and where I do not want to go back to. I have no desire to indulge in the self-abuse and self-destruct that was my gambling addiction. Because that is exactly what it was, like stabbing myself every time I put another coin into the machine.

My life is not perfect and nor would i expect it to be. But at this moment in time my life has a stability.. a stability that I have created for myself through my own efforts. I am concentrating on me and my own recovery from gambling addiction, one day at a time. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Another day passing gambling free!

Its been a good day. I worked my job to the best of my abilities and a got a sense of acheivement from that. This evening I have been to my usual GA meeting. Only a handful of us this week but it was still a good meeting as they usually are. A few beers after. I enjoyed the company and the chat.

Not gambling is very easy at the moment. I have no desire what so ever to gamble. When I have these times where i feel very confident in recovery I can fully see the nonsense that my gambling was. It just didn't make any sense.

I feel in a good place today. I do not want self-destruct and self-abuse in my life anymore. Regards to all who read this. S.A 🙂

Well another day dawns gambling free! 🙂

Its been a bit of a crappy 2 or 3 days. I have an ulcer the size of Jupiter lurking in my mouth and it likes to remind me that its still their in the middle of the night.. errrr!!! consequently ive felt tired and a bit stroppy.

Its strange how much this had affected my thoughts and well being. Ive been full of self-pity. A part of me has wanted comfort and to be looked after like a helpless ill type person. Regression to a child like state. Of course in reality I am just a bit run down.

I seem not to cope well with pain. I am the same with toothache though fortunately ive been tooth ache free for some time now, thanks to going for regular check ups.. something which i never did when i was gambling of course.

It gets me thinking more about the function that machine gambling filled in my life. The machines were my comfort. Always there to soothe away the pain... whatever type of pain that maybe. If they were alive they would have big welcoming smiles "Come to me, come to me... let me take your pain away" .. said in a soft voice. Of course what they would neglect to say is that they were gonna take my money as well.

Money.. thats the other thing. I genuinely deluded myself that i could win, that i could somehow double my salary month in and month out. "Win money and be amused!" i told myself. What a load of self-deluding b*****ks lol

In retrospect i realise that I went in merely to soothe away the pain of lifes problems for a few hours. I stood no chance. What was my motivation to stop gambling?? I wanted relief from emotional pain. No amount of jackpots was ever going to be enough. I wanted more and then i wanted my money back.

Anyway is not good to dwell to much on the past. approaching 11 months since my last gamble.. Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Hi S.A,

A great achievement nearly 11months WELL DONE..;-)....After reading your last post it sure strikes a chord with me, I suppose when i felt down and needed sympathy for a fairly minor ailment cold....etc, i would come home and moan my a** off, the fact was i had managed to gamble all day lose a s**t load of money and then wanted sympathy, for a cold everyone else had too,

laughable when i look back, but like you say it was the emotional pain that we needed to escape.

How strange this addiction is it Rob's your money, health, self worth, in fact it takes pieces from every part of your life and those around you, while telling your brain it's all going to be fine...lol....

you got it spot on S.A gambling is a load of self-deluding b*****ks.

keep going s.a you keep me on track and remind me and i'm sure many others of the truth.

all the best,

green x

hi starting, thank you for posting on my thread and great stuff being 11 months gamble free.

you make so much sense in your last post to me, specially using the slots to take away the thoughts of facing real life etc.

I am on a mission now, i am determined to beat it, i have only scraped through this time on a wing and prayer, this truly is my last chance.

the support on here helps thank you again xxx stay strong xx

Thank you for your thoughts Green and Ginny.. I always reflect upon what others say. Keep posting Ginny.. it does help in staying stopped.. it helps me anyway 😉

Today has been a good day. I enjoyed a good run down at the gym.. 16.96 km's in 1 hour and 40 minutes.. I love every second of it.. running gets me feeling so alive! After a a sauna and steam room I went shopping. got myself some proper lycra running shorts.. also got some jeans. Spent a while sitting in the lovely sunshine having a bite to eat before making my way home. Ive enjoyed today. I feel happy 🙂

When i was gambling. I was unfit. I did not care about what i looked like and I would not have noticed what the weather was up to cos i'd of been attached to some machine in some gambling place oblivious to what was going on around me.

Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

What a difference a day makes. Its been an emotionally tough day. The past has come back to haunt me. Nothing I can do about it. I cannot change what i have done and I cannot change other peoples actions. I dealt with the situation as best i could. What will be will be.

I feel like I am talking in riddles today. there are certain things I choose not to talk about on a public forum but I am just trying to work through the emotion of it all as i sit here and type. In the past I would have gone straight to gambling.. avoidance! ..not any more. Going for a swim soon I think and a walk.. walk and think and settle myself and process stuff in my head.

Regards to all who read this.. S.A

Hi SA

Tough one when things come back on us. However the past is why we are here today good bad or indifferent warts and all. We have to accept ourselves and our baggage to move on. If others don't like it that's their problem not ours. Hope this helps.

Take care

Steve E