Hope

Hi. its good to have recognition for achieving something that we have been fighting for. So well done and accept gracefully!! you will deserve it.

Thank you for your support on my diary.

It is good you get satisfaction from your job and hope they recognise your abilities and reward you with a pay rise. I do think we worry too much about "having a job" and not realising if we are doing our job as best we can, then we are entitled to recompense. My friend asked for a payrise (hadnt had one for 18 months) and with raised eyebrows they said we should all be grateful to have ajob at the moment. Cop out if you ask me!!

Keep up the good work. Min x

Thanks Min and keith for your thoughts.

I enjoy sundays. met friend for coffee and then down the gym, swim, sauna. Am feeling good at this moment in time.. that after exercise feel good factor. Ran 16.58 kms in 1 hour 40 minutes. Am planning now to do a half-marathon (21.09 kms) in July. My aim is to do it in under 2 hours. If I put the training in that should be doable.

Anway no urges or thoughts of gambling. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Another day passing gambling free!

I often feel a bit stressed on a Monday morning when making my way into work. I wonder what drama, what issues I am going to face. Its all two easy to focus on the fact that its another 5 days until the next weekend and get all stressed simply about that "thought".. rather than just take each day as it comes. And thats the point, when i simply focus upon the day in hand, my own inner anxieties seem so much easier to manage.

There are aspects of my job that I really enjoy and others aspects that i don't. Sometimes I find it hard to set aside my feelings and maintain professionalism... but 97% of the time I do. That is what gets me mentally and emotionally exhausted sometimes not being able to do and say exactly what I want to do or say. This is the reality of work of course. The job i do now is the longest i have ever been in the same job which is an acheivement in itself that I am proud of.

In the past i was seldom in the same job for much more than a year and after work I would always relax and unwind (and supposedly win money and enjoy myself! ) by standing at machines feeding them my wages. Now I don't do that and am happier and calmer as a result. Today I went for a swim and sauna after work. It helped me to switch off for the day.

Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Ive had a difficult day today. Struggling within myself to cope. Struggling to cope with others behaviour. I wanted to either shout or cry or perhaps both. I left work wanted to seek comfort in some way.. wanting a release. I didn't gamble and didn't especially want to gamble but I did want to do something like eat doughnuts lots of them or drink beer, lots of pints.

I went shopping instead and bought myself a shirt and then i went GA and just talked about the stuff that was going on for me.. it helped! GA did its job. After the meeting we went to the pub and I had 2 beers (just 2!) and enjoyed the chat. On my way home on the bus I felt better. My emotional turmoil from earlier had passed. I feel ok now. Today i did not gamble.

Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Below is what I have copied and pasted from elsewhere for my own reference (thanks to Kim)

Tools for dealing with feelings. Since negative moods raise one's vulnerability to relapse, it's important to develop some ways of coping with them--ways to relieve the intensity so that feelings can be tolerated.

1. Just let it be. When a feeling does come up, just let yourself sit with it, become aware of it, and go through it. Remember that you can't die from a feeling, and healing takes place just in feeling long-denied emotions. Remind yourself that you are safe.

2. Keep breathing! When you have a difficult feeling, take several slow, deep breaths. This helps you "center" yourself, to regain the sense of honor belonging to your true self.

3. Remember that you don't have to act on it. Having a feeling doesn't mean you have to do anything about it right now--or ever. A feeling can just be felt.

4. Reach out. For most people in early recovery talking about what they're feeling with someone supportive is the key to coping. It helps to diffuse the urgency of the feelings and put them in perspective. Instead of seeking to change the mood with your gambling, let your support group be your mood-changer for awhile.

5. Don't judge feelings. There are no "shoulds" when it comes to feelings. They are neither right nor wrong. Your feelings are automatically justified, just because you feel them--even if no one else validates them.

6. Notice negative tapes playing in your mind that reinforce the negative mood. Are you telling yourself that you're a "j**k", "stupid", "worthless", or otherwise verbally abusing yourself? If so, take a moment out to reprogram your internal computer. Tell youself the kinds of things a loving parent would tell an unhappy, upset child. Try it, and see what a difference it makes to be respected.

7. Stay in the moment. Many of the addict's painful feelings are related to past hurts or fears about the future. That's why bringing yourself back to the present can help you cope better too. A baby does this automatically. She can be crying one minute from a wet diaper and smiling the next, as the diaper is changed. She's not hanging on to the past, or worrying about the future.

8. Check out reality. Because our most difficult feelings often stem from primitive, irrational beliefs and fears, they can have little to do with our current reality.

9. Remember, "this too shall pass." Feelings, like cravings, are always temporary. No matter how uncomfortable, they do pass in time. Feeling something right now does not mean you will feel it forever from this moment forth.

10. Let your feelings thaw out. If you blocked off your feelings in childhood, you may be emotionally numb now, not even aware of what you feel anymore. In recovery, you may be in for some surprises. Getting in touch with your feelings again will be a process, not a one-shot event. As one recoverying person puts it, "When you've been numb all of your life, it takes a while to thaw out."

11. Take it slow. You don't have to feel everything you've stuffed for the past thirty years--right now. In fact, in early recovery, it's best to avoid situations guaranteed to elicit intense feelings, since enough will come up on their own.

12. Own your own feelings. Blaming someone else for "making" you feel something is adictive thinking; it's giving others power that's not rightly theirs. "But," you ask, "shouldn't other people be held responsible for their actions?" Yes, but how you choose to react to them is up to you. Far from letting others off the hook, you gain freedom with this new approach; you're no longer tossed about by everyone else's behavior.

13. Use your feelings as signals. Negative moods exist as a signal that something needs attention and possibly some action. They're like the fever that comes with a flu and tells you to take time out to heal yourself.

14. Write. Writing is a good tool for discharging overwhelming feelings. Write a letter to the person you're angry at or the person you feel abandoned by. Plan ahead of time not to mail it. That gives you a focus for articulating your feelings, with the freedom of knowing you're not going to have to deal with the ramifications.

15. Guard against relapse when you're in a state of heightened emotional vulnerability. Post on these boards and/or call someone you feel you can trust and talk with them.

16. Watch out for self-pity. Of course, it's possible to get stuck in a negative mood, to wallow in it unproductively. You may prolong a dark mood for secondary payoffs such as sympathy from others, t0 avoid taking the necessary actions to resolve it, or even to build up an excuse to gamble again. If you become aware of your mood, you can move on.

17. Change the way you review pain. Addicts, and indeed our whole cuture, look at pain as something that should always be avoided--at any cost. Yet it's the resistance to pain that's often the most painful. That's what addiction is, and look at the pain it has brought. In recovery, you can learn to meet pain head-on and, through meeting it, excperience personal growth that is ultimately freeing.

18. Do something nice for yourself. Nothing helps soothe sore feelings like T.L.C., and don't always wait for someone else to give it to you. Give yourself a bubble bath, a nap, a manicure--whatever is nurturing for you. It reminds you that the " child within" is not being abandonded. And nurturing yourself is different from indulging: indulging is eating a whole box of cookies when you feel bad. Nurturing is make a delicious meal for yourself.

f*** f*** f*** f***!!!... am having a s**t day... writing is therapy but i dont know what to write. I want out of my job.. but i know i shouldnt just walk.............. I dont know what to do..... cant cope..... aaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh having a cr** day. Not stable today... S.A

Ive asked for redundancy. I feel happy at this moment in time. See what the answer is tomorrow perhaps.

In essence my diary has been a diary of work related stress but without gambling. No gambling in the last year and under the circumstances that is a great acheivement.

Time for me to move on to pastures new. I hope they agree.

Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Hi SA

I wish I had the answers for you but I don't. I'm sure you are aware of where you're at. Something always turns up when you need it.

Take care

Steve E

Hi steve,

Thank you for your thoughts. I have the answers within me. I am feeling my way forward. I am doing what feels right. I am finding the courage to change the things I can.

Hi SA,

You sound pretty frustrated! I read the post by Kim about dealing with feelings...............just breath SA.

There is always a solution to every problem in life. I'm sure you will find yours.

Thinking of you.

Jas x

S.A sorry to hear that work is getting you down. As you say seems to be a pattern in your life and yo have done brilliantly to be approaching the year mark with that on your back.

Lets hope they grant you redundancy and you can move on to pastures new where you can find more peace to compliment your new life.

Keith

Thanks all.. and yes Keith, I have worked my recovery as it has to be worked. Ive taken it seriously like you might take a job of work. There is much uncertainty and unknowns in the next chapter of my life but what i do know for sure is that gambling will make my live a living nightmare and I dont want that. I do not want to gamble.

Today has been a rollercoaster of a day which ended with me sitting in the pub with an old friend and random people drinking beer. I made my excuses and left b4 drunkeness came on. But in this pub I saw the reality of men who have largely given up on "living" life so to speak. Drunk at 3pm on a thursday afternoon. There was a time when i would have stayed for a long session myself.. staggering home in the wee small hours.. after a good amount fed to the machines of course! Not anymore.

Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Hi SA hope you get where you want to be. And really good to see you are so positive about not wanting to gamble, inspires me to carry on. Min x

hi SA

hats off to you.dealing witha lot of pressure at work,and being somewhere you dont want to be.i mean you mention that on a monday morning you are already waiting for friday to come along.but are you using this a a perfect excuse to gamble.NO!i was made redundant two weeks ago,and for me instantly knocked me for six!i used this for an excuse to start gambling again,after goin most of 2009 without a single bet on anything.what im trying to say is,how ever bad things might be just now,gambling will make things 100 times worse.i have just found out the hard way,wish i could rewind the last two weeks!!

but you seem like you have your head on your shoulders,and fully aware of where gambling will put you.its just when other things are going on in our lifes,gambling seems a great escapism.things will work out for you im sure.keep up the great work.

neil

Hi SA

I'll Second that CantCope - you were one of the first to reply to my new diary and you have helped get through the first few days!

A great day and gamble free weekend to all.

IP