Hope

Hi Nwn,

Thanks for your thoughts. To be honest the cringe economy stesses me out if I allow myself to think too much about it. I want to get my a**e into gear to see what may be out there for me but as yet I have done nothing. Anyway I will seize the moment am sure.

Ive just been out the shops to buy some new running trainers. I think my shin pain is a direct result of pouding along on trainers that aint up to the task. However when chatting to the store person they suggested some specially cushioned ones for £80 and I thought mmmmmm do i wanna spend that sort of money on trainers???

Of course in the past I would not have thought twice about gambling £80.. but spending £80 on trainers was really hard to do and for a split second i thought maybe if i go and get lucky on some machine then they would effectively be free!...

I didn't and i wouldn't ive too much to loose by doing that. I am a changed person from back then. I don't go looking for the quick fix anymore. Feel like I am maturing as a person.

Anway in the end I didn't buy the trainers as they didn't have the right size... but after much indecision I got some high impact maximum cushioning sports insoles to go in my current trainers for £15.. ok so ive done it on the cheap.. and maybe they won't do the trick.. but hey i didn't try and gamble for a pair of trainers. regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Hi SA,

Just catching up with your diary. Well done with not going down the "bet once, get trainers free" route. That's something we all get in our heads from time to time.

Really relate to the spending thing, could spend hundreds on a daily basis betting, but when it came to buying anything, wouldn't unless it was a real bargain, and always compromised my purchases.

On the job front, yeah why not give it a go, nothing ventured, nothing gained and all that.

Keep up the good work.

Weldy

I have officially started my 2nd year gambling free! I keep working my recovery "one day at a time"

Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Well done my friend. An inspiration to me and many others. I look forward to many more posts from you.

Take care

Steve E

Well done SA, as Stevey said, an inspiriation, no matter what side of the fence we sit. Take care, you are in charge of your destiny, love Ostrich x

hiya hun.... just thought id drop by and say well done on the full year gamble free... im well proud of you. 🙂 xxx tc shell

Happy FIrst Birthday.

Congratulations on 1 year gamble free.

I'm proud of you. Well Done.

Hugs and Love to you from me

God Bless

Charly xx

Thanks everyone... its not the first time that i have gone for a year gambling free.. but this is the first time I have actively worked my recovery... "one day at a time" using a combination of online support, GA and filling my time with positive things which i enjoy.

Having said all of this my gambling pilot light is still lit. I still think about it sometimes especially when I am having a tough time of things. I do not hate gambling. I enjoyed my gambling and I enjoyed the feelings that my gambling brought me.

But now I fully appreciate that these feelings were not true, they were not real. The sense of euphoria and anticipation of the next win merely masked an underlying depression and low-self esteem. While in action I had freedom from these feelings. What was my motivation to stop? ... for when I stopped the underlying true feelings always came back only this time they were worse because of the new problems i had just created from the latest gambling episode.

Stopping gambling for me is like finding the courage to face my reality and keep facing my reality and keep making positive life changes (however small) so my reality feels better and the urge to escape my reality is kept in check. This is the hard work of my recovery but i intend to keep working on it "one day at a time".

Am off work today.. time to go for a swim and sauna.. regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Hi SA so true what you say. If we could have controlled our gambling as a pleasant hobby then we would still have carried on. But and it is a big but, we let it control us and it went beyond whereby it interferred with our personalities, our family and financially. I think once any of us get addicted to anything from drinking, drugs or gambling, we have to take it at the one day at a time as some days are tougher than others. And it is by using all the resources available that we remain free of these destructive addictions.

You are doing this SA and succeeding and showing people like myself who are still in the earlier stages of recovery, that we can have a future that is filled with much more positive things. Here is to another gamble free day. Lv Min

Hi Min,

Thank you for your thoughts and yes I am succeeding at the moment though I don't especially see myself as any further forward in recovery than anyone else who has found this site and started a recovery diary. We are all but the same distance away from the next bet.

I guess its the length of the diary that is starting to be noticable and the fact that I am one of relatively few people who have hung around over a longer period of time (if seen in terms of everyone who arrives and starts a diary). I recognise that I still need to be here reading and writing cos the gambling bug within me never goes away completely.

Unfortunately today I read something which is rather unusual in this place about a person who has committed himself to stopping but AFTER winning a big chunk of money. For a moment my gambling head reminded me that perhaps I could win a big chunk of money simply through the press of a button or a click of a mouse. Fortunately I was able to see beyond this kind of thinking and after going for a walk and a swim the slight feeling of wanting to gamble passed. But the gambling monster within is always there ready to strike when i least expect it.

In an ideal world I would love to be one of those people that pops in every now and again to say that all is well and they are enjoying there gambling free life.. though for me my recovery feels a little tenuous at times.. the support I allow myself in the real world is rather minimal. I am reminded of the reasons that led to all consuming gambling in the first place. In short I keep doing what helps me to stay stopped even when it seems a little tedious. The mantra of "Just for today I will not gamble" rings true as always.

Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

It seemed like such a good idea to go out last night.. what with the warm weather. However after several pints and a few double vodka's (why do I do this to myself?) I arrived home in the wee small hours with thoughts of gambling. Found myself trying to work out how to get around the blocking software on my puter or uninstall it or disable it somehow. Fortunatlely while doing this it gave me the breathing space to come to my senses.

I did not gamble and I still don't know how to get around the blocking software. It did its job and for that I am grateful. Would I have actually gambled if I had of got around it?? .. maybe??.. who knows

I am pretty annoyed with myself today. Havent been that drunk for months now. Perhaps sub-conciously I was setting myself up for a fall. Its like my gambling head says to me.. "well done you can go for long periods of time without gambling.. why not congratulate yourself with a gamble!" My head space is still a bit f***** up today.. what with the hangover... though i fully intend to keep myself safe. I did not gamble thats the main thing but last night I teased the monster within me. I poked him and he started to wake up.

In writing what I have written I am trying to process what happened and deal with it. I feel stuck in life at the moment, stress levels are rising.. feeling unsure of what comes next.. feel a bit scared. feeling unwell today.. all self-inflicted

Regards to all who read this.. S.A

Hi SA,

A very honest and heart felt post. As you said on Wednesday, u have made over 1 year gambling free, but as u predicted and discovered last night, we are always much closer to our next bet.

Hey!!! You didn't give in though!! Because you have come a long way.

Your self inficted wounds today (I hate getting drunk too) will be all healed given a little time.

The important thing is that the barriers that YOU put up yourself, did their job and you are here today, no worse than you were yesterday.

It has proved one thing, that we are all at risk, no matter how much time passes. That we are not cured, just recovering and one day at a time as we are tested we chose how we go.

Well done SA, put it down to experience and pick yourself up again, you did ok. Hope you feel better as the day goes on.

Weldy

Hi SA it seems as soon as we start to "succeed" a little gremlin pops out to try and coax us back. But you put that little gremlin back in its box.

Drink has a lot to answer for and does relax our "sensible head" and you still managed to get yourself breathing space even though befuddled!!

You have safety barriers in place and it shows very heavily that without them we would have a lot more temptation to fight on that very one off day when we have gambling thoughts.

Today I dont, but if tomoro comes and I do, then my safety barriers are in place. We all need a backup. So well done and sending you some pain killers for your headache (good at the time but the suffering afterwards? yuk) Lv Min

Thanks Weldy and Min.. your timely thoughts have helped. Rest assured I shall be passing by your diaries some time soon.

Ive had a s**t day. Alcohol melancholly.. ive just wanted to burst into tears all the time, but havent.. which tends to make it worse if you know what I mean. Why do I do this to myself.. errrrrrr!!! The blocker has been fantastic over the last 24 hours. I know I couldnt gamble online even if I really wanted to.. cos i cant get the f****r off! lol Consequently am not actually having urges to gamble since the wee small hours as described in earlier post.

Anyway doing a little posting this evening has helped to lift my spirits a little. On to the next day. Regards to all who read this.. S.A

Hi,

Thanks for your post. i read most of your diary and would like to congratulate you regarding your progress. Seems like you had difficult times but barriers worked.

i had those difficulties before also especially when i drink a lot. it seems so hard to control the urge and generally i can't. during my last episode 2 days ago i lost a lot of money but actually i lost what i needed.

then it hit me. i need help!

thanks to this site and members i quit now and will carry on.

Good luck on your second year,

Well at least we had fun i guess 🙂

Expensive but fun

C.A