Hope

This is my story. Make of it what you will. I feel as if it is a worth while for me to write it down. It brings back the emotion. It reminds me of what i do not wish to return to.... here goes...

This is not the first time that I have gone for more than a year gambling free. It is however the first time that I have worked my recovery using the GA programme and this recovery forum. I recognise that will power alone for me is not enough. In the last year I have conscientiously followed the principle of living my life just one day at a time though I no longer count days as in the past I obsessed over counting and experince suggests that this sets me up for a fall. My recovery is more than counting days gambling free. My recovery is about trying to work on myself, my character and personality and trying to move away from a lifestyle where gambling could once again become an option. Sometimes this is not easy but whoever said recovery was easy!

I try not to dwell too much on the past but to put where I am now into some sort of context, this is my gambling story.

As a young teenager I spent a lot of time in the local arcades, back then it was not the fruit machines but the space invader games that caught my attention. All my pocket money, birthday money, paper round money went on these machines. Back then I had no concept of it being a problem it was simply something I did with my mates and without thinking. The consequences were limited to not being able to buy a bag of chips or can of coke or go to the cinema. This did not especially bother me. After a couple of years of this I stopped quite naturally I think. I was now getting to the stage where I looked old enough to get into the pubs and get served beer!

The pubs of course had quiz machines and fruit machines. They started to catch my eye that's for sure. I would meet my friend in the pub. If I was early I would feed the machines my lose change. When I got the beers in the change would go in the machines. Me and my friend would then spend time on the quiz machine feeding it more and more. Back then it felt like getting drunk was the priority the machines seemed like a convenient way of not having to talk to each other. Having a conversation was not a priority. Eventually drunkenness tended to end the gambling. Too drunk to find the slot.

This pattern continued for years. Aged 18 I left home and went to University. At around the same time the lottery and scratch cards were introduced. They added a new dynamic to my gambling. It was no longer confined to drunken nights out but seemingly every time I went into a newsagent it was a mars bar and a lottery ticket or a paper and a scratch card. Sometimes I won a little on the scratch card. If I won £5 I would get 5 more scratch cards. If I won £10 I would get 10 more scratch cards. Scratch scratch scratch, scratchy stuff under the nails, join the back of the queue.. eventually losing of course!

My gambling during this phase I would describe as heavy if seen in terms of money. I was a student so most of my money was borrowed anyway in one form or another. I could not afford to gamble at all really. With the benefit of hindsight and if seen in terms of living life.. my gambling was quite disabling. I seldom socialised in any meaningful way. Am sure the years spent standing at fruit machines stunted me emotionally in some way. However in the great scheme of things my gambling was not totally out of control. I paid my rent. I paid my bills. I was getting by. I was self-sufficient.. ish!

I left University with a degree but I had no idea what to do with my life. I did not have the confidence to apply for what I saw as proper jobs. I also did not want to move back to live with a parent (they were now divorced, so no family home anymore). I felt lost and lonely. I made a panicky decision to move up to London . I took on some voluntary work as a live in carer supposedly as a stop gap but this started a decade long oddessy into the world of severe learning disabilities, autism and challenging needs.

Moving on to my mid to late twenties my gambling on the fruit machines, lottery and scratch cards has continued and the occasional bet on the grand national. By this stage I am working in a challenging needs unit. I am qualified in control and restraint. Each day I go to work and wonder whether today I will have to pin someone to the floor. My work is stressful and all consuming. Socially I am lost. I have split up with my girlfriend and I have had to move again. This time I choose to live alone in a cheap and squalid bedsit more than an hour from my place of work. I feel unhappy. I feel stressed and I feel lonely. What happens next is sudden and dramatic.

I am on my way home from work. I get off the tube at victoria station. I had got into the habit of hanging out in the coffee shop, reading the Evening standard and watching the world go past. I am in no hurry to return to my bedsit. It is merely a place a sleep. It is not a homely home that's for sure.

Anyway on this particular day and for no particular reason I simply wonder into the arcade next to the coffee shop. I am not especially thinking of gambling and I had literally not been into an arcade for the greater part of 10 years. Anyway I am standing there and I go up to the nearest machine and feed a coin into it and press the start button. To be honest I did not know what I was doing.

Anyway the lights flash, am about to hold the buttons that are flashing and then somebody appears at my side and says “no mate.. just let em spin!” errr ok I say. It spins me a jackpot and then another. I think... wow! that's cool! I feel my heart skip a beat. I feel the euphoria. I feel hugely excited. I feel joy. I feel happy. I have just won some money for doing next to nothing. This is fantastic I think. Next thing I know I hear “lend us a quid mate!” errr... ok then I say.. “and another!!” errr errr yeah ok then. He leaves me alone at that point.

My night mare has just begun!

For the next 2 to 3 years of my life becomes like “Groundhog day” the film where the guy wakes up to exactly the same as the previous day. This was my groundhog day.

Wake at 7 feeling very tired because I have not had enough sleep or enough deep sleep. Quick flannel on the face, dress quickly, avoid having a shower if I can get away with it. Its the communal bathroom from hell with fresh mush rooms lurking around the toilet. No breakfast.. off to catch the 8.10 into Victoria if I can physically get on it. Either a mars bar or a macdonalds at Victoria while waiting for the arcade to open.

I had manage to get a transfer to a new job that allowed some flexibility of working hours. I am trusted. I am my own boss. So of course in my distorted mind popping into the arcade for a while was ok.. just for a few minutes of course!.. well an hour or so in reality. Win, lose, win, lose, win, lose... panic.. got to get to work!! late for meeting.. late for an appointment.. my goodness those tubes and buses are so unreliable, if you get the drift.

Very quickly I got to know the locations of all the arcades in central london. I found myself popping in and out of various arcades during the working day. Soon I had a favourite machine.. 777's. I liked to get 777's in a row. Usually I would stay at a machine until it gave me atleast a double jackpot. Often they had several of my favourite machines in a row and I would play more than one machine at the same time. Alternatively I would start at one end and work my way down to the other. All the while in my euphoric state I would convince myself that I was actually winning money. But the fact that I was back and forth like a yo-yo to the change machines suggested other wise.

After work I was straight back to the arcades. Usually I would end up in Leicester square in the heart of London. Sometimes it would take me an entire evening to finally run out of money. I would emerge from some arcade with not a penny to my name. It was only at that point that the reality would hit me. I would be hungry and very thirsty, my legs would ache from having stood in the same position for long periods of time. My eyes would ache for all the close focussing and dehydration. Usually I would have dirty marks on my face and hands from the collecting of coins from dirty trays. In short I looked liked s**t!

Emotionally it was worse. All the seemingly happy people emerging from theatres and cinema's, pubs and clubs. Big smiles a good night had, rushing to catch the last tube home. For me sometimes I had no means of getting home and it would be a very long walk sometimes in the pouring rain. Eventually I would arrive at my bedsit, collapse in a heap but sleep I would not. So full of worry and angst about the additional debts I had just accrued and I felt so terribly alone. The loneliness of my gambling was really quite overwhelming. Soon I got to the point where I gambled merely to escape from how I was feeling... though if you had suggested that to me when I was in action i'd have told you it was all about jackpots.. before telling you to get lost (in my thoughts atleast).

For anyone who has attended GA for sometime or read the stories on recovery forums my end game was much the same. No money, huge debts, emotional breakdown times several. I did things that looking back now I think however did I get to the point where I was pre-pared to contemplate that. My absolute rock bottom was Christmas 2004 where I decided to take my own life after having just gambled my benefits.. again.. after having just been paid. I spent the day sitting on top of a mutli-storey car park trying to will myself to jump off. I did not jump but later that day I had a disagreement with a kitchen knife and ended up in accident and emergency having my wrist stitched back together. The pitiful look on the nurses face I remember to this day. The point I make as well though is that this was not the last time I gambled but it was the start of a process that leads me to where I am today more than a year free from gambling.

Today my life has a normality to it. I have a flat that I like to live in. I enjoy going home and closing the door behind me. I think that this has been so important for me and my recovery. So many years spent moving around house share to flat share to bedsit. I no longer have a desire to escape my home and find sanctuary in an arcade. Also instead of going to an arcade I go to a leisure club and enjoy the gym, the pool, the sauna and the chats with the regulars. I also have a job that for the most part I enjoy and helps me to structure my week. But perhaps the most important thing is that I now have a peace of mind that I never had when I was gambling. I live a calmer quieter life and thats ok with me.

As for the future.. well who knows?? But all I know for sure is that I need to give my addiction the respect it deserves. I have never gambled online but I know I would enjoy it. My gambling head does not care where it gets its next fix. I have blocking software on my computer... it keeps me safe from myself. As is so often said in meetings. Its not the distance to the last bet that matters.. what really matters is doing whatever becomes necessary to keep oneself away from that next bet. I intend to keep working my recovery.. one day at a time.. that's all any of us can do thats all I can do. Thank you for listening.

Hi S.A

Thanks for sharing your story, it was a interesting read, and not dissimilar to my own in-fact apart from a couple of things and the location it could be my story. Nice work on regaining your life, you have come a long way s.a and certainly inspire me to keep gambling out of my life for good.

green x

Hi SA, what a very long way you have come.

Your story shows just how easy it is to become hooked on gambling without any deliberate thought about making money. or losing it. It was for entertainment 🙁

The gambling industry has a lot to answer for. Climbing off soap box before I go into one.

Hope your leg improves, it would be a shame if you were unable to take part in the half marathon.

Anyway, cyber plate ready....... since I've just returned from up North..... Mince & Tatties. Followed by home grown strawberries.

You are in charge of your destiny, take care, Love Ostrich x

Hi S-A,

Thanks for sharing your story, always great to know where we've been...as well as where we are now and where we're going.

I hope your legs on the mend. Don't push it too hard don't want to do permanent damage.

I should really shut up I never exercise what do I know....:D

bye for now.

Thanks all.. comments appreciated as always. I intend to visit your diaries sometime soon but not today. I am feeling withdrawn and unwell. I am retreating to my own diary like a snail retreating to its shell. Finding it a little hard to write even here. Every day is different.

Am irritated by mess and clutter around me and have just found out that when i go part-time I may not after all qualify for any help with rent or council tax. I may earn just a little bit too much.

I think that this will give me the kick up the a**e to either find an additional part-time job or a new full time job. I am stuck in a rut where i am at the moment. I am also burnt out. Lets face facts I am feeling depressed but I am also happy over the decision I have made and yet i am also a scared. Today i am full of contradictions.

But like they say, now is the time to feel the fear and do something.

Time to sign off. No thoughts or urges to gamble... S.A

Hi SA

When in doubt take the next small step. Keep moving forward albeit slowly. I do hope you resolve the conflict within you as you deserve it. Only you can do it though.

Take care

Steve E

Am just back from my regular Ga meeting. First thing I want to do is write about it.. o how things have changed. When I use to go GA years ago.. it was always a battle not to gamble on the way home.. not anymore, not today.

It was a good meeting, not so much because I got my year pin and got to be self-indulgent with my gambling story and history but more due to the new member who was unable to speak for a time, choked on emotion. That did it for me. That was my medicine. The reminder of where i have been on numerous occasions and what i do not want to return to.

I never really thought that GA would be a part of my recovery. Always had this nagging thought that it would just be full of men with large ego's, over keen to lecture others about recovery. My ego is rather fragile. And yet while it is true that there are a few characters like that the meeting is also full of the full spectrum of personalities.. quiet people, talkative people, annoying people, funny people, thoughtful people, odd people and a few distorted f*** wits.. thats probably me lol 🙂 But the point being we are all just people with a problem.. bumbling along trying to come to terms with the problem and not gamble anymore. I am becoming more tolerant and less judgemental. I listen and learn.

I must admit that over the last few days ive red posts from a few of the regulars saying there fair wells and a few others who have fallen by the way side and a part of me thinks that maybe this is my cue to exit stage left and stop posting. But then i remind myself that writing here in my diary helps me to stop gambling and stay stopped. Why does it make any sense to stop in the absense of other support to take its place?? what other users do or dont do is entirley up to them.

I am not especially here to make friends though of course it feels nice when my thoughts have a positive impact with others. In the main though I am here to selfishly record my thoughts and to remind myself why I do not want to return to gambling. This evening the GA/ recovery diary combination has done its job.. another day passes gambling free. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Hi SA,

Nicely written. Couldn't agree more. It's about us, it's not a social networking site, it's about OUR recovery.

Weldy

Hi SA , as usual you are spot on. People come , people go. Some need/have needed this place more than others, others need this place but pretend they dont. Its all a mixed bag of oddballs, weirdo and w*****s mixed in with people with a genuine desire to stop gambling. ( My analogy after 20 months on here)

The main thing is it works for you so why stop a wininng formula? In my opinion a lot of the coming and going is down to people going back to gambling, just like whern they disappear from GA only to appear again a yr later in dregs. I had some last night at my meeting. You could look round the room and tell who the two returners were just by looking at their desperate faces.

I think for some it does become a social networking site and a lot of the "im leaving" is similar what you see on them when people are seeking attention but its hard to generalise as its just words on a screen which is why GA is os much more powerful than here.

Keep up the fight and focus on what works for you and if you can help other genuine people on the way then great stuff. For those who lose the desire to stop....bye bye...see you back soon.

Regards

Keith

Am just checking in to report another gambling free day. Ive felt tired for much of the week but in fairly settled mood. I try not to spend too long on the computer when i get home. Thank you for the feedback folks. I intend to drop past your diaries over the weekend. But I also remind myself that i need to be selfish sometimes and just spend time with me and my diary. I think the days of prolific posting are passed for now. Am sure they will return again as the mood and my recovery suit. Regards to all who read this.. stay focussed in recovery.. S.A 🙂

HI SA

I have just read your gambling story, i really got into it and it was a great post.one of the best ive read on here. reminded me of the time i worked in manchester city centre,aged 17 to 19.i knew every single arcade in town,even crappy squalid side street ones.i gambled on fruit machines heavly back then,goin home on the last bus,dirty hands,empty stomach,the gut wrenching feeling.i had few weird experiences aswell.being only a teenager and walking the streets of manchester alone late at night isnt really the safest place to be.had a guy just walk up to me and punch me full on in the face,offered drugs in the bus station,prostitues offering there services,drunks asking for money.saw a lot really,and that was all because id been in a arcade all night, whilst my friends would be out,experiencing pubs and clubs for the first time.and then of course when i wasnt in the arcades,i never had the money to do things with my friends!quite sad really.but anyway thankyou for sharing your story, i got a lot from that.

all the best(u deserve it)

neil

Hi Neil and thank you for your reply. Your thoughts remind me of events that I had almost forgotten. City centres are very unforgiving places. The things you describe all happened to me to.. random starngers coming up and hitting me for no reason, approaches from ladies of the night and drug dealers, it all happened to me.

Indeed alot of my gambling was done in and around Soho, so you can imagine what i was getting up to after for a few lucky wins. Gambling and P**n, both very visual, both highly addictive. But the gambling always took priority. The gambling was what i craved the most.

The reality of my life was a very lonely and squalid existence and like you say, just really rather sad. I was like a shadow lurking in the corners, startled by anything that moved, head down, thoughts only of the next machine in the next aracde. I had to completley self-destruct before recovery started to take a hold.

I have suffered enough and i think this is why i stick around while others move on or return to gambling. Writing helps me to stay away from that next bet.. so I keep writing. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

hi SA

you certainly have suffered enough, i also have experieced big lows because of gambling, and wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy to be honest.

but for both of us, them days and experiences are well and truely in the past.

dont know about you but tonight im sat in a very nice flat,all mod cons etc etc,warm and safe away from any forms of gambling.

im a million miles away from them days i was trawling the city centre streets at midnight,hungry, tired, depressed, and emotionally lost.

I kinda chose to forget about them experiences, but after reading your gambling story, brought it all back.im glad you wrote it, and it has certainly strengthend my determination to quit gambling for good.cheers,

neil

My mood has dropped as the day has gone on. Feeling a bit depressed at this moment in time. I find its one of the down sides of living alone. It becomes harder to manage the feelings. Am just gonna sit with it though am sure tomorrow i will feel differently. Gonna have have a soak in bath, then a cup of tea and then sleep. No thoughts of gambling though am happy about that. regards to all who read this.. S.A

SA

Depression quite often comes with gambling part of the roller coaster.

I've only read the last few diary entries.

Going back years I lived in London and although it is so busy it can be a very lonely place.

It sounds to me you have free time on your hands and I would suggest a night school class or a social group of some kind. Never know who you might meet and while you are there you cant be gambling.

Fighting this is hard but you can do it.

Keep strong

Fred