Hope

Hi Fred,

Thanks for your thoughts. It helps to be reminded of the area's of my life that need attention. There is an underlying depression thats for sure but i manage it as best i can.

I use to do quite alot of evening classes and things like that, am reminded that i need and want to keep these things going. I am human and I am a social creature, withdrawing into myself does not help me or my recovery from addiction.

Like you say, i will keep fighting the good fight. I have not gambled in more than a year but I know that this fact does not mean that i am out of the woods, thats for sure. The pilot light is always lit and i need to be mindful of that.

Today has been a good day thus far. I feel settled in myself. I will go for a swim this evening. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

SA

Good to hear you are feeling a little better.

Worth giving yourself a pat on the back for the year. You will have come a long way.

Life has many ups and downs and it is what we make of them that makes us as individuals.

There is always a new challenge we can find if we have the drive.

At present I am attempting to turn my career on its head and I can assure you its not an easy. But you have to keep trying.

Keep strong and happy,

Fred

Another day passes gambling free. Just back from my regular GA meeting. Must admit I felt a bit bored by it this evening... complacency perhaps. Though I did get a little something from it. A regular member continues with the lottery which always gets a debate going. It helped to remind me of why i don't do the lottery. It would never just stays at a £1 a week for me, it would always escalate... and then the real trouble would happen if i won something. Its also like living on a dream that aint gonna happen anyway. Anyway just checking in. Regards to all who read this.. S.A

Like this GA has to be a good habit.

You are socialising and it is helping you recognise the issues you have been dealing with.

Your well on the way.

Fred

Great to see you've made it to a year gambling free.

I only know too well those arcades in London. When I worked at Paddington station, during work, I quite often would be up the arcades on the Edgware Road. Several days a week after work, I used to walk from Paddington to Charing Cross via the arcades, along the Edgware Road, Marble Arch, down Oxford Street, around China Town and finally into the large arcade opposite the Burger King at Leicester Sq (initials C.R.) not sure I can mention the full name.

This was from 1988 - 1995, until I got a job away from Central London. But my gambling on fruit machines never stopped and I would regularly still take a trip to the places which were basically my second home.

Over the years, I have lied and temporarily borrowed money (tea club, regularly once a month) to feed my habit and have made so called friends with fellow arcade dwellers, whilst never even exchanging names.

My addiction took an even nastier turn with the invention of online casinos and losses offline seem trivial compared to my online losses (although I earn much more than I used to, so can waste more money each month).

I'm nearly 6 months free of my fruit machine addiction and reading stories such as yours just gives me so much encouragment to keep up the fruit machine free life.

Good luck and I look forward to reading your future posts.

Hi S.A,

Hope you are well, just popping in as it's not often your on page two, i know what your saying about the lottery, had a slip again the other day and it's set me back a little, but like you say £1 is never a £1,anyhow i trust your good catch ya soon, and keep up the good work.

green x

Another day passing gambling free. Hi Stephen and thank you for sharing your thoughts. I have done the very same walk from paddington that you describe ending up at that arcade at Leicster square. The walk of misery and despair as i tend to think of it now. Am so happy to be off that hellish walk of impending doom.. which is what it amounted to.

Your thoughts also remind me of the potential hell that awaits me if I started to gamble online. I know that I would enjoy it sitting there in my gambling bubble, beer in one hand and mouse in the other. This is why i have blocking software.

I am fully aware that my gambling head really doesnt give a stuff where it gets its next fix. For me i know I have to steer clear of all forms of gambling. I have never gambled online and i never intend to.. one day at a time. I wish you well in finding your way forward.. your welcome to post your thoughts in my diary and say as you please at any point.

Am tired today.. its built up during the week.. i feel a little zombified I shall go to bed shortly. My balance in life is not quite right.. I will find out soon I hope what my new part-time like hours will be. Some anxiety around money issues but nothing I cant manage.. a little agency work perhaps. no panic though. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

P.s Hi green.. ive just seen that you have posted while i was writing my update. I will drop past your diary now.

You do well to resist any urges to gamble online. Reacting to that "free £10 in your account" leaflet through the post to get me gambling online some years ago now, was one of the biggest mistakes I have ever made in my life.

Offline, when I think of those arcade days it makes me think, what the hell was I doing with my life. On the surface I was this normal guy, never involved in trouble and quite a straight laced, stick by the rules, quiet oridinary person.

But I had a second life, a life of lies and made up stories. Lies to my family and friends, of why I had no money and had to borrow money or why I was always doing long days at work or why I couldn't go out for a drink with my mates. The reason why was simple, gambling was more important to me then going out for a drink with my mates or spending an evening in with the family.

Even now on the surface I'm that same sort of guy and when I tell people of how I trawled the arcades and was even a known face in them, people find it difficult to believe I'm not just making it up.

Starting, I'm pleased to see you are still standing strong against the urges and long may it continue

Thanks Stephen I will comment more on your thoughts over the weekend.

Am just home from work.. as always at this time on a Friday I feel quite unsettled and unstable. Ive just eaten 2 bowls of cereal and im not really hungry. Of course all it is ( I think) is that I am tired, the pressures of the working week have built up steadilly as they always do. I am now at that point where everything feels glazed over a bit foggy. I feel a bit emotional. If someone said booo!! i might just burst into tears. lol

Why am i this way I wonder. I am so easilly frazzled. It seems as if others cope with the world of work so much better than i do. It was quiet this afternoon and yet I feel mentally exhausted.

I go part-time soon I hope it will help.. of course financially I will be worse off.. but money isnt the be all and end all is it?? My dad would say different.. "the more money you have son the happier you are" Of course my gambling head loves to hear things like this.. but I know that gambling is never the answer. I go to the pool now to swim some lengths, it may settle me down. No thoughts or urges to gamble. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Hi SA,

Thanks for the post. I'm so glad you understand the slot machine problem. Being circled by professional hawkers, they were almost like wolves who were ready for the kill.

I don't miss it one bit SA, it was a horrid time and I'm glad that was just a dream I had.

Hope you are ok?

Jas x

Hi Jas...It was very horrid wasn't it.. a trully awful, exploitative and potentially dangerous environment to be caught up in. I seem to be reflecting quite alot on my past at the moment.. keeping it fresh.. reminding myself of what i never want to return to.

I am feeling good today thanks Jas.. slept well last night and will say more over the weekend.. thansk for dropping in.. have a great day.. S.A 🙂

Well its been a bit s**t today.. hangover! .. same old story. I go for weeks and even months without getting drunk and then boom its 2 a.m and I am hanging out with people half my age.. full of beer and vodka.. behaving like a teenager.

Of course this being a problem gambling forum I am happy to report no gambling and perhaps rather surprisingly no real thoughts or urges to gamble.. so thats a crumb of comfort. But thats not the point in my mind. I don't want to be drunk and I don't want to wake up in the morning with curry sauce on my shirt, a blinding headache and depressed. The merry go round continues as far as the drink is concerned.

Perhaps you might say that i am too hard on myself.. and that is perhaps true.. but i have good insight in to what sends me on a path back to gambling and the drink is one of them. Life does not feel very cheery today.. but as always I will probably feel better tomorrow after a good nights sleep. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Hi SA,

Don't be too hard on yourself. This is how I see excess drinking....if I was having a good time at the time then it was worth it. Hey, you haven't gambled. Give me a sore head anyday!

Drink lots of water and get some vitamin C down you.

All the best....Jas xx

Hi Jasmine.. yes your right.. I had a good time in the moment.. the hangover consequences I can live with... especially now they are gone lol and its not like its happening twice a week like it was in my 20's.

Another day passing gambling free. I have been handed my new contract for part-time hours. Of course it has the actual numbers for what i will earn. I will be very much back on a budget.. exactly how tight that budget will be am not sure.. as I have yet to sit down and do a proper "financial audit". Feels a bit scary.

However what I do know is that having no debts to service, not running a car and being conscientious with keeping well ahead with rent and bills etc.. I will get by. If I had gone back to gambling going part-time would simply not have been an option. For now atleast I feel comfortable with my decision.

I think the real challenge for me will be being pro-active with my extra time away from work. Using it to explore my working future and my social life and bring new things into my life. But then I think its also about being able to chill and relax and not worry so much about life.

Anyway no thoughts or urges to gamble. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Hi S.A,

Talking to a colleague today and thought about your decision to go part time at work, It takes guts to make a decision like that and i just wanted to wish you all the best, i know it's a big move but after reading through a few of your posts, it looks like its clear in your mind it's what you want and all credit to you for having the balls to do what 'you' want there are so many of us who plod on in life, if we want to make a change we need to do something about it.

I'm sure being pro-active will come in time, and even if you use the time to relax and chill it's all good.

all the best S.A your words always make a great deal of sense to me and I'm sure many others.

green x