Hope

Thanks everyone... rest assured that i shall be parchuting into your diaries sometime soon. Must admit I am overwhelmed with the thoughtful replies. I continue to reflect on feedback.

I wasnt going to write anything in my diary today.. i just feel so terribly tired.. bit of an emotional wreck. Ive flipped from one emotion to another over the last few days. i find it all a bit confusing. I feel as if i just want to acknowledge this.

Ive started reading back to how I was this date last year. I was not in a good place but I was determined not to gamble just as i am today. My resolve not to gamble has remained constant. It seems that continuing to write stuff here in my diary helps me to maintain my resolve not to gamble. Continue i do one day at a time... S.A 🙂

Hi S.A,

Just a quick question if you don't mind, do you think the over analyzing of things is part of you? or part of your life more since recovering from gambling? just wondered if you think there is some kind of link there. Maybe our minds just work to much, thing is if i look at when i played the fruit machines, they were all consuming, my mind was thinking of the next nudge, feature, how much i had lost, who was winning, I'm sure you get where I'm coming from, my mind was 100% focused on the machines, hence no real time to analyse anything else, and generally when i left the arcade my thoughts would be of either anger, or where can i get cash from to play the next time. As you may know i have started fishing again, yes a great activity i do enjoy it especially when the sun shines, but it just doesn't take enough brain power to stop me thinking loads of random stuff.

hope you understand my question i do ramble rubbish at times.

all the best S.A your words in my diary always make sense, thanks for your continued support it really helps.

green x

Hi Green,

Mmmm..interesting questions and thoughts..lets analyse.

I find with me is that I either think very deeply or I dont think at all. In gambling mode I am not really thinking in a constructive analytical way I am just a slave to my emotions.. the anticipation of the win.. the anxiety when it doesnt come.. the euphoria when it does.. the panic when the money starts to dwindle and so on. To watch me gamble you wouldn't nescessarilly know where i was in that emotional rollercoaster because I contained it all very tightly... most of the time anyway.

In short when i gambled i didnt really think at all and that was the point. It was my way to relax and unwind away from the pressures and responsibilities of life and hey it was fun up to a point.. otherwise i wouldnt have done it.

Since I have stopped gambling I now switch off and relax in other ways such as when i am running on the tread mill or swimming lengths in the pool and i guess to an extent writing and crafting my thoughts on here. It could be argued that doing this is simply another way of escaping reality but I tell you something I am much happier doing this than gambling. When i stop writing my thoughts my bank balance remains the same.

perhaps as you i do find it hard to switch off and just BE.. the thoughts still whirl around. Sometimes though i can be out in nature or just looking out the window watching the weather and i have a deep sense of peace within me.. it doesnt happen very often but when it does its absolutely lovely.

Ive had a good day today.. work went well.. and no thoughts or urges to gamble. regards to al who read this..S.A 🙂

Hi S.A,

Your words are as always put much better than i could, the switching off when running, swimming etc is somthing i need to work towards, i get glimmers of it when i have little stress in life, otherwise my mind is in overdrive, somthing i'm trying to work on.

One thing i noticed in your last post is the fact on occasion, you get the deep sense of peace like you say maybe not that often but it's there, and shows just how life can give us moments of calm.

I can never think of one moment like this when i was gambling so guess it's a result living life without it. And long may it continue.

Thanks for the reply, some real food for thought there for me.

all the best S.A.

green x

Am a bit fed up this morning. My good intentions and plans for yesterday came to virtually nothing.. just kind of sloathed around eating pate sandwiches and watching cr** Tv. The down feeling has hung over to today. Having said that perhaps that is what i needed to do I was feeling tired and run down. I choose not to be to hard on myself.

Am gonna get me hair cut this morning. Later am out for a few drinks with a mate.. am planning not to get too sloshed but if that happens i will again try not to be too hard on myself.

Anyway no thoughts or urges to gamble.. S.A 🙂

Get sloshed SA 🙂

Thanks for checking out my diary.......I seem to be repeating myself in some of my posts these days but hey ho never mind.

It's good to have lazy days SA.....I've learnt how to do nothing and apparently it is a fabulous stress reliever which keeps you youthful too..........more lazy days I say.

Jas x

Hey Jasmine.. ive got my Ben Sherman shirt on.. basically it means i am getting sloshed lol.. your so right! 🙂

And by the way.. nothing wrong with repeating stuff.. I repeat my ramblings all the time, otherwise I start to forget and we all know what happens when we start to forget.

Thanks for dropping in.. I think I maybe nursing a hangover tommorrow.. but for now i a cheerful chap.. S.A 🙂

Hi S.A,

Have a good night mate, thanks for the advice, and have a beer for me enjoy....:-)

i will drop by soon have fun.

green x

Thanks Green.. My night out followed the usual pattern, nothing i havent described before in my diary. Nursing the hangover today, though I did manage to get down the pool and swim 40 lengths.. it helped to lift my melancholly feelings.

No gambling issues to report.. the higher jackpot machines in pubs and clubs has made absolutely no difference to me. A slot machines is a slot machine is a slot machine.. I keep well clear of all of them.. its not about the money anyway. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Am just back from the gym. I did 10 miles in just under 1 hour 40 and still had a little left in the tank. So that means that 2 hours 10 mins for the half-marathon is within reach. My aim for my next half-marathon which is in October is anything under 2 hours. I think this is doable.. and it a goal for me to focus on. Things I have learnt about my running over recent weeks..

1. If my leg hurts dont run on it.. rest it and allow it to heel. I will only do more damage by forcing myself to run with an injury.

2. Its well worth the investment of getting proper distance running trainers.. it make sa big difference

3. Choose running tops and shorts that dont rub and are gentle on the skin. I have now settled on a football top... its the only sports top that doesnt rub my nipples till they bleed.. lol.. dont laugh 😉

4. Drink sports drinks during and after. If I dont do this I get so dehydrated that my eye sight goes all funny for an hour or so after... bit worrying really. It also avoids cramp in my leg muscles.

Other stuff.. yesterday I had a hangover.. the difference between yesterday and today is profound. If I had more of a social life I would not feel the need to go out and drink. This is what I need to work on but I find it hard to take the intiative and join something or do something about it. I am a little social phobic although am a very sociable person.. does that make sense?.. well it does to me.

Ive moved around alot over the years.. never really settled for any length of time until recently. My family lives quite a way away.. several hours on the train.. its nice to visit I love my family but I wouldnt want to go back and live where i was brought up. I don't know anyone from my childhood days now.

Why am i saying all this.. well i dont know really. think its just to underline to myself that life is not easy when I don't have lots of support in easy reach..I dont think its easy for anyone living on their own especially when addiction is lurking in the back ground ready to pounce at any given moment.

But don't get me wrong.. am not full of self-pity, not today anyway.. quite the opposite. Ive done well and continue to do well. I could gamble anytime and nobody would ever know, but I havent and I dont intend to.. one day a a time as always.

Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Hi S.A,

Ten miles in one hour 40 is some going, i can only manage 10 Min's on the runner and I'm f****d...:-).

i kinda understand where you are coming from with the social-phobic, yet sociable person, i know it's difficult to explain although i get where you are coming from, think my problem there is again thinking to much when i should just do things.

I know it must be even harder when like you say you don't have support at reach all the time, but that in a way just shows the inner strength you have, as for the most part you have done this alone, and for me anyhow thats the toughest part, OK i have Lot's of support at hand but ultimately it's me that needs to be strong.

anyhow enough of my rubbish for another day, i hope your well and having a good week, keep up the good work.....:-)

green x

Thanks for dropping in Mr Green.

To comment on your thoughts its sometimes the case that I deny myself support perhaps a throwback to ways of coping I used when i was younger. When i allow myself talking support I feel all the better for it. Its just that sometimes it doesnt come naturally... wanting to sort my issues out all by myself.

Anyway am feeling pretty stable today and in fairly cheerful mood. Ive been swimming again this evening.. 3 days in a row... I feel healthier for it in all sorts of ways. No thoughts or urges to gamble.. nothing much else to say.. on to the next. regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

P.s Note to myself.. strength of character comes in part through allowing others into my world and allowing a certain vulnerablity.

Feeling over-tired. Slept badly last night. Just feeling a bit cr**. No thoughts or urges to gamble but that doesnt mean that i havent indulged in other activities of an escapist flavour. Just feeling a bit low and lost this evening. Getting out if only for a walk would have been a good thing.

Thinking of easing off from posting but probably won't.. if it works why would i stop.. 416 days since my last gamble. Counting not a good idea in my mind but occasionally i put my date in a counter thing. regards to all who read this.. S.A

Hi SA and thank you for your support on my diary. Hope you caught up with your sleep last night and feeling better today. Its surprising how lack of sleep can make us feel down so quickly.

We all have up and down days and I hope today is an up one for you.

Well done on keeping gambling free. Luv for now Min x

Hi SA,

Was just dropping in to see how you are.

Weldy