Hope

Thanks Min and Weldy for dropping by.

And yes Min.. I realise I slip quite quickly into "feeling sorry for myself" mode and lack of sleep is a prime example of when this happens. Today am on good form, feeling alive and well.

I now do reduced hours at work, but am still offered extra hours if i want them.. today I worked 2 hours (o wat a long day lol ).. then I went off down the gym. My working arrangements are starting to suit me. It feels nice to be able to work less hours. I have less money of course but thats ok.. no children or anyone else to support, I don't run a car, my rent is cheap and thanks to not gambling and having dealt with my former debts ( ie bankruptcy ) I can live a perfectly normal life with gym membership and little treats on not much money.. thats ok with me! 🙂

anyway back to that mind field which is emotions lol I don't really manage mine terribly well.. I sit and fester and get depressed or get paranoid. Am the sort of person that actually likes to have a good e***n moan about stuff just to get it out the system.

I notice that although I choose not to gamble, one day at a time of course, I do choose to do other things to take the edge off how i feel ( instead of dealing with them)... these include eating and eating until am over full which may not be that noticable to anyone that knows me cos i do lots of exercise but its still an issue and then theres drinking alcohol in a binge like fashion ( only on occasions) and then theres something else which I am ashamed off and will not name. It is this thing that I intend to stop as of today.. one day at a time. I have drawn my line is the sand. Thanks for listening.. S.A

Hi SA and stop beating yourself up so much!!! we have addictive natures and if you choose now and then to do something that takes the edge of feeling the need to gamble and it works for you, then hey so what?

Eventually we will find a happy balance but it is a gradual healing process and we must find our own way of getting to that point where we just lead normal happy lives.

Hope you have another good nights sleep my friend. Luv Min

hi there we all in the same boat, we will get there with the help of each other!

Hi S.A,

I know what you mean about the lack of sleep, sitting thinking about things, i do the same, and to be honest the more i speak to people the more i think we all do.

So many of us here and in life go through the same thoughts feelings and emotions, it's just i find some people ain't willing to share how they feel. I think also most people have a ' vice ' be it food, gambling, drinking, smoking, we all like somthing thats no good for us. It's when it's doing us long term damage like the gambling for us is when it's a problem. I know you know all this, what I'm trying to say is, some of the things you use to take the edge of things perhaps ain't that bad, we all do it.

since starting my recovery I'm trying to be a normal person, then i sit back and think ' what is a normal person ?? ' what is a normal life ?? I'm not sure there is one !! I'm just me, i just can't gamble.

hope you don't think I'm preaching at you, just throwing a few of my thoughts out there to see what you think.

have a good weekend S.A.

green x

Yes your right Green.. and thanks for your support everyone..its just that sometimes I think that all I am doing is not gambling. Today I am feeling frustrated with my lack of movement in other areas of my life. I know I am too hard on myself but how i feel today is how i feel today... no doubt tomorrow i will feel differently.

Family visit coming up next week. My family are lovely but am a bit stressed about it.. feels a bit like reporting back. I don't feel as if I have anything to say. I know they just want me to be happy.. it will be fine once I am there most probably.

Had a strange surreal exprience last night.. I had been out with a mate, much beer consumed. Got home a bit worse for where sat down at my computer and saw this enormous slug slugging its way across the top of my puter screen. It freaked me out lol Didn't know whether it was a drunken vision or reality.. It was reality.

anyway no issues with gambling.. thats the important bit.. am here to stop gambling and stay stopped.. am not strong enough to tackle other stuff at the moment.. but thats ok.. other stuff won't bring me to my knees.. not like the gambling does. Regards to all who read this.. S.A

Hi SA

You may be right about all we are doing is not gambling. It is hard to let go of something that we feel comfortable with. By "not gambling" I feel it is still part of my life. I was the same with alcohol but it has now passed. Maybe we need some sort of a comfort blanket. I wish I had some answers for us all. I'm now lost for words (LOL)

Take care

Steve E

Hi Stevey.. interesting thoughts. For me I think "comfort blankets" fill certain voids in my life. Having made a determined choice not to gamble other things come along of an escapist/avoidance flavour. I am not beating myself up here but those feelings of lack of progress that i hint at persist. I ask myself if I am not moving forward am i actually moving backwards, without fully realising it

Must admit I take my hat off to you stevey for finding the strength to free yourself firstly from alcohol and now the gambling. I am still very much on my merry go round as far as the drink is concerned. I am not an alcoholic and not especially a problem drinker, in my opinion anyway but the drink does serve a similar function to the gambling.

Sometimes when i read back through my diary I seem themes. A positive theme is the exercise. Running and swimming have helped to keep me stable. I 'd feel lost if i didn't exercise. Underneath it all though an underlying depression persists. When i had counselling my counsellor referred to it as a "functional" depression in the sense that I am ok to go to work, I am ok to go to the shops and feed and clothe myself properly and I don't get to the stage where i cant sleep or spend all day lying around in bed to unmotivated to get up. But at the same time I do tend to think negatively, assume the worst in myself and in others. I have some days of positivity but they seem not to last.

To meet me you may think that i am very social and charming and polite and funny. This is my public persona, behind closed doors sometimes i just sit and wonder what this thing called life is all about. I feel as if I need some sort of break through in how I think and how i perceive the world around me and my place within it. A "ureka" moment where things suddenly slot into place (pardon the pun).

The thing is I have more or less resigned myself to the fact that life really isn't a bowl of cherries and all I can do is just keep plodding along one foot in front of the other awaiting a moment of wisdom to pass my way.

I have not gambled for approaching 14 months now and in the five years before that I can count the number of times i have gambled on my fingers (both hands though lol). I am proud of what I have acheived when put in the context of having gambled everyday in one form or another for years... but this thing called "facing reality" is not what its cracked up to be.

Underneath my persona seems to exist a frightened little boy scared and alone. The reconciling that little boy with the adult me is not an easy thing. I nurture the child within as best I can. Anyway enough of counselling like speak.

Dwn the gym managed 16.58 km's in 1 hour 48 minutes.. which equates to doing ahalf-marathon in 2 hours 20 minutes .. assuming a slight slowing of pace.. which is inevitable lol My aim is to do a half-marathon in under 2 hours by october my next race. I reckon can do it if I keep my training up. It says on the internet that an averaging fit and healthy adult under 50 should be able to run it in under 2 hours.

Anyway this has been a long post. Notice i often write long posts after exercise. The feel good factor from running lifts my mood and gets my brain into gear. It is a good thing when i think and use my grey matter instead of allowing it to rot by standing in front of a slot machines. Regards to all who read this... S.A 🙂

Hi SA

I can understand totally what you say. I am exactly the same. I can hold a crowds attention no problem at all. I appear to be outgoing and the centre of attention. Once I go back home and sit I realise that it is all a defence mechanism to keep people away from the real me as they would not like me if they knew who I really was. Truth is I don't know myself. Good posting though.

Take care

Steve E

Hello SA. I'm interested in the comments you made about "functional depression"

I've thought to myself despite not having that cheery a persona and feeling negative/depressed quite often that I can't really be depressed as such as I can still get out of bed to go to work every day come what may. I literally can not afford to be depressed to that extent with my current financial circumstances!

You hear that kind of argument quite often from the older generations, that they lived through world wars and had to go out to work to feed their families as they had no other choice and couldn't mope around in bed all day, they just got on with it.

Now you look at the celebrity culture and often read about stars depressed going into rehab etc. Difference is they can afford to do this, so there's a choice involved.

So I tended to favour the view that full blown depression can be overcome if you have some sort of choice to make, or rather a lack of choices, ie to go to work or not. Same as these single family parents who have to function/work or risk their families wellbeing. Or maybe there's different degrees of depression?

I can understand totally what you say. I am exactly the same. I can hold a crowds attention no problem at all. I appear to be outgoing and the centre of attention. Once I go back home and sit I realise that it is all a defence mechanism to keep people away from the real me as they would not like me if they knew who I really was. Truth is I don't know myself.

Centre of "attention" is the key there. People who crave attention are doing it through being insecure, likewise maybe the quiet ones who sit in the corner are also insecure or lack confidence but show it differently.

As most human beings would fit generally into one camp or the other, or maybe somewhere inbetween, maybe you could argue the entire human race is insecure!

Hi Stevey and Indebted... thanks for contributions. I relate to your thoughts about the older generations and that kind of stoical, no nonsense "just pull yourself together "and "get on with it" type of thinking. To some extent that is perhaps my parents attitude or my opinion of my parents attitude...

Maybe society needs a shift in attitude back to that sort of thinking.. it certainly hasn't done my parents any harm.. they live very comfortable affluent lifestyles now having worked hard and conscientioulsy all there lives... free from addiction... whats going on at a deeper level.. i would only be guessing.

Am I wrong to admit to sometimes feeling dissatisfied wth my lot. Should I feel guilty for voicing depressed feelings and other negative feelings. I guess its finding a happy medium.. but my experince suggests to me that emotion always finds an outlet somehow.. whether that be healthy or not... dealing with my emotional health is a mine field... I continue to explore..

For me most if not all Cg's have a deeper insecurity than the average person without an addiction...it just manifests itself in different ways for different folks. I am quiet in a group mostly not wanting to be the centre of attention.. much prefer one to one.. can't be doing with folks who are just "me me me".. but then when i think a little deeper I also crave acceptence and acknowledgment of the things that i do, its just not so obvious perhaps.

Anyway cheers for the comments Stevey and Indebted.. Am in one of those thinking and refelctive moods.. maybe something positive will come of it... S.A 🙂

Thanks SA for looking out for me on my diary. I will seriously consider telling my relatives "no gambling speak please". Very good idea, thank you.

I read on your diary about the slug crawling across your screen.....what were you drinking SA? lol. I think that's a brilliant idea for a screen saver so I'm going to try to find one.

I like how you analyse yourself SA, it's very thought provoking and extremely helpful. Thank you for sharing those thoughts on your diary.

Jas x

Am just checking in... Jasmine lol.. slug screen saver... am gonna have one as well.

No gambling urges or thoughts. Am away for a few days now so a few days without reading or posting. I think perhaps i need a break from the site anyway. I will be back though thats for sure. This place is good for my on-going recovery. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

SA,

Thanks for your post re bankruptcy, I need all the good advice/support I can get at the moment.

Congratulations on your continued recovery, well done.

DT

Just checking in and to remind myself that am still gambling free. Have just woken from an intense gambling dream.. all a bit surreal. Have not had one of those for a long time. I know what it is though.. am just back from a family visit. I am feeling over tired and emotionally unstable. I will settle am sure... Last gamble was 25th of May 08. Regards to all who read this.. S.A