Hope

Dear diary.. Am starting to settle. Had a chat with a trusted person who understands my family related issues. It helped. In short I sometimes feel inadequate and a failure when I go to visit my family. Its all in MY head of course. The reality is that my family are lovely and they just want me to be happy. Only I can fix me.

Its just that sometimes I am reminded that when I turned left into the world of addiction instead of right with the mainstream... I got a bit lost.

When I go home i have no idea what to talk about. When others talk of holidays and relationship and new cars and fine wine, I don;t know what to say. I don't have holidays (except in my mind perhaps) I don't have a partner, I don't have a car and i don't drink fine wine. Its as if I don't have a life lol

Am sort of joking but do you see what i mean. My family are fairly highly educated, fairly high acheivers and fairly high earners all in long term relationships and esssentially happy well rounded people. How did it all go so wrong for me???

Anyway self-pity ends now. I have many positive qualities and most of all i do nt gamble anymore.. one day at a time. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Just back from work. Am not wanting to go to GA this evening but feel rather guilty about that. havent been for 3 weeks now. Its a small group mostly and needs the numbers. I feel as if I "should" be there as someone who hasn't gambled for a while but am just feeling too tired to sit on the bus all the way there and listen to all the usual. But like i say i feel this guilt.. cos of course tiredness never stopped me gambling.. but then if i don't wanna go i dont wanna go.. so am not gonna go. I feel like an indignant child.

Anyway am fine.. no thoughts or urges to gamble another day passing gambling free. Regards to all who read this... S.A 🙂

Thanks Ade 🙂

Another day dawning gambling free. Day off today am gonna chill and then gym later.

Ive been thinking about how I best want to use my diary from now on. I don't feel as if I especially need to write daily anymore. There was a time when I did but that has now passed. I find I can cope with the day to day fluctuations in my mood and they don't all have to be logged. I find I can cope with any vague thoughts of gambling without necessarilly having to rush here. I am not in a potetual state of stress. I am not in crisis because I am not gambling.

My recovery is about lifestyle change. I will come and write in here perhaps on a weekly basis from now on. Reflect on progress made or not. I know the things that i need to work on, its just a question of finding the courage to make those changes. I deserve to have a happier more fulfilling life.

Having said all of this I will come and write when significant events happen or if I am having urges to gamble. The nice thing about diary writing is that its mine and i can change my mind about how I use it at any time. I will keep in touch with other peoples diaries.

Anyways all is well. No thoughts or urges to gamble. This diary has no gambling in it. Have entered my 15th month since my last gamble. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

SA,

Thanks for your post, made me laugh about the cupboard! I know how I am feeling is part of recovery, goes with the territory etc..but it feels so frustrating to feel positive one minute and literally the next to feel completely without hope.

It gives me hope that you have had the same feelings and battled through to where you are today.

Thanks for your support.

DT

Hi S.A,

just dropping in to say hi, think it's great news that you feel ready to let go of the diary a little and it just shows how much your life has moved on, your right it's about having the courage to take the next step and move on. My hope is the same at the moment, well this week i have posted less it's a sign I'm more content, like you i plan to be around for some time yet, but one day i wan't to look back on my diary as a past event, somthing that helped me change my life.

enjoy the weekend, and a huge thanks for the help you have given to me on the way.

green x

Am on an exercise high at the moment. Ran 16km's in 1 hour 39 minutes. Am beginning to get back into form after my recent leg injury. Am looking forward to two races in October. I hope to do good times. But am just enjoying my running whatever happens.

Am making efforts to eat a little more healthilly. Ive given up butter and marge. Still have me marmalade on toast just without the butter. Am also using my cooker a bit more and oven. I seem to be in a baked potato phase at the moment. And even after a couple of days of healthy eating I am feeling very well. My fruit bowl also has fruit in it.. bit radical i know lol

As for gambling... well thats a long way over the horizon today. Wild horse wouldnt drive me to gamble. why would i want to spend my Saturday afternoon emptying my bank account into slot machines?? Anyway all for now. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Thanks so much for your advice SA,

Really appreciate it. Its a sticky situation!

Everyone was saying 'no! don't mention anxiety!' which is understandable - but then what to say instead? lol.

Ive had a gap in my cv before, and did exactly what you described. I did voluntary work for a few months to demonstrate that I could cope in a work environment. In the interview I explained that Id been unable to work due to anxiety, but had since had it correctly diagnosed and treated. Then I just pointed out how obvious it would be in an interview situation, if I still suffered from nervous problems - and asked them to notice how I presented myself that day. Most people get nervous in interviews, and I was cool as a cucumber so I think they just accepted that I was obviously well again.

Using that approach, I got the job!

So thanks for echoing your experience, as its really helped me decide how best to play things.

Congrats on the healthy lifestyle as well! Funny how we start to look after ourselves properly again, once the gambling stops and self-respect returns!

I wish you continued success in your recovery,

f x

Hi S.A,

Whatever you decide with regard to posting, it's all good had a little think about it last night and as long as we don't gamble and this site keeps helping with that, it's all good.

I see you have Fruit in the fruit bowl be careful that stuff can be deadly.....:-).

Enjoy the weekend, catch ya soon.

green x

Just back from the gym.

I managed 16.5 kms (10.25 miles) in I hour and 33 minutes. Thats a record for me for that distance. Am chuffed to bits 🙂

Now in principle were I to do another 4.5 kms at 6 mins a kilometre then that would be exactly 2 hours for 21 km's otherwise known as a half-marathon. Now am not saying I could have done that today.. allowing for slowing I would have done say 2 hrs 5 mins which is nonetheless alot better than the 2 hrs 21 mins I did for the actual race a few weeks ago.

Am really getting into this now.. its all a question of training keeping hydrated a decent diet and good sleep patterns. I am enjoying having something to focus on and something to aim for.. it makes NOT gambling a whole lot easier.

I was out last night with a mate. a few beers and a catch up.. though we decided to call it a day at 11 pm just as everyone else was getting stuck in for the night. Standing in some random club, beer in hand and deafening music.. really aint my thing anymore. Though i still occasionally slip back into drunken nights out I have made much progress. As far as drinking goes I am very much going in a healthy direction. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Am feeling really crabby at this moment in time. Like if someone said hello to me i'd bite their head off lol I guess am just over tired, the demands of work builds up. Am off down the gym and to spend time alone. Sometimes too much of being with others stresses me. need time alone to find my sense of self again. Not sure i make any sense but thats ok I can be as a like in my diary. Regards to all .. S.A

Hi S.A.

Thanks for your post.

Feeling crabby, needing time on your own...yeah, I can identify with that feeling

People around you asking you ..oh what's the matter...share..it's better in then out....

only sometimes we just need to be left alone to be able to ..just feel....

The good thing is..we now have the tools to recognise when we are feeling...and we use the tools to get through these feelings, like you..coming here and writing it down, going to the gym.... 🙂

In your former life you would have had a really good excuse with this crabby feeling to go and have a bet.

Be proud of how far you have come and thank you for being part of my recovery

God Bless

Charly

Thanks Charly 🙂

Another day dawns gambling free. The sun is shining. Today will be another positive gamble free day. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

SA,

Often come on your diary and don't know what to say, so for today will just say well done on your continued recovery, you are doing great.

DT

hi mate

Im another who always pops into your diary, ill never forget the posts you wrote about your gambling days in the arcades in london and how it made you feel. could really relate to them posts. Always good to see you supporting others aswell, your posts always make perfect sense. keep up the good work.

neil

Thanks for your post, I just read your story (I think it was page 136) and I'm glad to see you have taken steps to rebuild your life. The main thing that jumped out at me from your story was a great positive realisation that I myself have come to see.

It's okay to be Mr Average. It's okay to have an average-paid job, live in an average home, lead an average life. In fact, it's actually quite good when you come to think about it. Here's the line that really appealed to me most of all:

"I live a calmer quieter life and thats ok with me."

That's all anyone can really ask for. All the best, stay calm and be strong.

SGL