Hope

Strange how sometimes one stumbles across a programme on Tv that one becomes absorbed with. This has just happened to me. It was called The disappeared or something like that. A tale of two people who lived alone and died alone.. one of them was not discovered for a year until the gas man broke down the front door.

It all struck a chord with me. Ive lived alone for years and guess many other people do to. I wonder how long it would take for me to be discovered if I died tonight.. not long i think because someone from work would come a looking i think. But if not for work it might be a little longer.

I am reminded of my own loneliness. I gambled in part because i was lonely. The gambling brought comfort. Now i do not comfort myself with gambling. I try to maintain friendships though this does not come naturally. My instinct is always to withdraw to my own solitude. Its something i have to constantly fight against. At present I am winning that fight. I will always say if i decide to stop posting in my diary. Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

I can relate very specifically to much of what you write S.A; I guess that's why I keep checking in on how you're doing. I've started up running again, but nothing more than 4 miles yet. I need to get the fitness back.

I am also finding myself more and more to be the one who checks up on other people within my group of friends to see what they're up to; not out of being sociable, just if I didn't do it I'm not sure they would bother to check up on me. I also have the instinct to be alone.

I have only had urges to gamble about once a week (which is quite impressive seeing as I stopped less than a month ago), but as I lost the bulk of my money on roulette, the urges tend to be to stick the maximum bet on a 50/50 shot the roulette and hope it hits red/black so I can recover the losses. I am worried that the only thing holding me back from this huge crazy bet is that I simply can't afford it at the moment. Hopefully by the time I have earned enough money to be able to do it these thoughts will have gone away.

I hope for both our sakes that this concerted "fight against solitude" will eventually lead to a more natural sociability and a better life.

Earnest respect,

SGL

Hello S.A

I have had a bad bad couple of days at work and what you wrote on another thread really lifted me .

"We are all more than the sum total of what we do as a job."

Thankyou S.A

Hope your day has been a good one:)

Take Care

STAY STRONG

Kim xx

Thanks for dropping in guys and Sir G.. i will be seeking your diary out shortly with my thoughts.. you have been warned 😉

Glad to be of help Kim. When I wrote those thoughts elsewhere I was also talking to myself of course (in a non-mad way). I think its about fidning some sort of balance in life where if one aspect like ones job goes by the way side.. its not the end of the world and other aspects of life compensate without (in my case) gambling filling the void.

I have not especially mastered this yet, though I am working on it. I guess for those who have close family ties and/or supportive partner this process comes naturally.. for me i would have to work hard not to fall back into isolation. But don't get me wrong am not "woe is me" about it all. Am feeling in a good and positive mood today.. arrranging stuff in my time off now that i have reduced hours at work.

No problems on the not gambling front.. any vague thoughts are swiftly dealt with. Running has regressd a little. I did run for an hour last night 10.55 kms but then i was dead on my feet.. a rest day today i think. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Hi SA,

can relate to loneliness thing at home with single parent in mid thirites and it is quite scary about how I would cope.

I simply am not being independent on low paid job etc.

Did the right thing and ahve self excluded from all of my fave haunts for betting locally and near branch level.

Gambling holds no joy anymore I cannot take a decent win. It just goes back in their coffers and more besides.

Awayout

Hi Awayout.. well done on the self-exclusions. The money always goes back.

Well another modern times record today. I ran 21.5 km's which is 13.35 miles in exactly 2 hours. In other words a half-marathon which is 13.1 miles in under 2 hours. Now of course this is in the gym, slightly different kettle of fish out in the real world.. but if i can just keep up the momentum a sub 2 hour time is within my ***.

Anyway no issues with gambling at the moment.. that is far away over the horizon today. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Hi S.A,

Good work with the running, your fit as a fiddle, been to the gym myself today but tend to do more chatting than working out....:-)

The reason I'm dropping in is to thank you, today i got my mobile phone bill, of course it had the 'girls' number on, my brain went in a spin for a few seconds, should i call, text, anger then frustration, then i just got in my head, remember what S.A said "pause to think" tricky when your like me, but i did had a cuppa and put the bill through the shredder....:-)

Keep up the good work S.A, and thanks for the words of wisdom, I'm going to try and pause to think a little more often.

green x

Thanks for dropping In Green.. and yes "pause to think".. am also talking to myself when i say that.. its easy for me to get taken over by emotion and do or say things that i later may regret.

I'm feeling cr** today. Just kind of want to sit and stare into the middle distance. Believe it or not but some of the original stressors that brought me to this forum 467 gambling free days ago are still there. I think am so active on my diary as its one of the few things in my life that help to keep me f*****g sane.

Ive had to really work my recovery this last 16 months cos otherwise i'd of been gambling like a nut case.. like the nut case i was before and still could be. I need a new job. Free myself from particular personailty types. I am f***** up. I don't want to be around other f***** up people anymore.

You know the one personality type I struggle with the most... well am gonna tell you... its the self-centred, ego driven, narcissistic types who only seem to be able to see the world in terms of themselves. Am sure everyone has come across people like this. Typically, in my opinion, this character does not listen to anything anyone else says. likes to be right all the time and has no genuine interest in others and loves the sound of their own voice and is quite happy to interupt others to say what they think or talk about themselves somemore. In normal life I avoid people like this like i'd avoid the plague but of course at work I aint got no choice.

I try to convince myself that life is a so much better since i stopped gambling. I mean for f*** sake I can count the number of times ive gambled over the last 5 years on the fingers of one hand but perhaps like Kieth said recently in his diary.. there comes a point where one just gets a bit tired of not gambling and just as one makes a determined choice not to gamble, one can also make a choice to gamble. I am not making a choice to gamble lets make that clear and think i will go to Ga this week but I us want to get all this s**t in my head out of my head.

I have no peace of mind. I was chatting with my friend about this last night. He is a student. Hes bored in his summer holidays but he has peace of mind cos he knows where he's going and what he wants to acheive. I don't I just have the same old s**t thats been stressing me out forever and a day. Struggling to figure out what comes next.

As if to top if off. I couldnt run today pulled a muscle. I miss a good run thats the other thing that keeps me sane. Anyway thats enough of my self-pitying s**t. To be honest i feel a bit better now. Its when i allow t to swim around my head for days and weeks that it gets dangerous. Anyway thanks for listening.. S.A

Am sure tomorrow i be in a better place.

Hi SA

Get back to one day at a time. It maters not how long since your last gamble. Today is important. Your gambling mind is telling you "OK - jokes over let's get back to the party". I somehow think you're not for going. Some days are better than others admittedly but get some perspective in there. You are doing the right things and an inspiration to people here. You are allowed to sound of by all means. It shows me that recovery ain't perfect but it's better than being in action.

Let's hope the leg gets better and you can have a run in the near future.

Regards

Steve E

Thanks Steve.. like you say i just needed to sound off.. its been building for a while.. its actually me trying to work my recovery. I know i need to keep talking otherwise eventually I will gamble.

Thanks again and for replying so promptly.. S.A 🙂

Hi SA

I think, if I'm not mistaken, that's how it works for me too. There is no right or wrong way. I don't want to stop gambling for the rest of my life I just want to not gamble today. Sounds daft but easy to follow. This is the only way I keep it at bay every day.

Best wishes

Steve E

hi S.A

As you rightly say, it does do us good to get stuff off our chest, for me the place to do that is here. I dont think i could sit down with somebody, and pour my heart out to them, its just not me. before i found this site, id just let it all build up, and be like a ticking time bomb, only i would never go off, my solution, would just to gamble n gamble n gamble. head in the clouds and downright miserable.

Please feel free to write down on my diary, anything at all, and i mean anything, because i know you mean good by it, and it always makes sense. so thankyou for the continued support, really does help. have a nice day, and hope your back running again soon.

neil

Hi SA,

Thanks for your support, it means a lot in difficult circumstances. Hope you get running again soon.

DT.

Hi Neil and Steve and D.t.. thank you for your support.

What a difference a day makes. I need to think this through. Am in a great headspace today. I feel alive and full of vitality. Enjoyed a coffee with a friend and just had a nice chat with my work collegue. Yet again my mood and thinking had been drastically affected by my drinking.

On Friday evening I drunk 4 cans of Fosters, 1.5 bottles of Becks and a pint of Carling. And whilst I know that some people can drink 10 pints and many shorts of an evening and seemingly be ok the following day, the same is not true for me. My headspace was feeling completely f***** yesterday. I remind myself that alcohol is a depressant and has a profound affect on my thinking and state of mind. Ive had the same experince time and time again through the course of writing this my diary.

The reality for me whether I like it or not.. is that anything more than a couple of average strength lagers.. sets me up for a grim day the following day. I am a two pint man... others wise known as a girls blouse lol

I guess its also the fact that i seldom really drink nowadays so my tolerance is close to zero.

Anyway am glad i write my thoughts when am not in a good place as well as when I am in a good place.. helps me to put stuff into perspective and learn a little more about how my mind operates. By the way thanks to Kim for posting something about the purpose of keeping a diary in another section. It re-inforces the fact that diary writing helps me alot to keep away from that next bet... "one day at a time"

Regards to all wo read this... S.A 🙂

Hi SA

The whole experience is a life long learning process. Some, maybe, learn quicker than others. For me I have to double check, then check again and so on and so on. Maybe I should listen to others withmore experience. No one knows the right way for someone else. Not sure what I'm trying to say but never mind.

Take care

Steve E