Hope

Life long learning process. I guess thats it steve. I think being open to others and what they have to say and also being open with others in ones own thoughts is the way it has to be in recovery... together with plenty of introspection. For me I guess am doing something right because am not gambling... a day at a time.

I have been in emotional flux today and yesterday to.. happy then sad, angry then chilled out, bored and restless and then engaged and challenged. That is my work.. its pressures and demands. I get mentally exhausted quite quickly and easilly.. reduced hours was a good move.

No thoughts or urges to gamble.. regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

hi

just read your story...the full thread but thanks for the note at start and well done on your recovery so far.

i recognised myself in several things you mentioned firstly in the emotional sense.. i have very few emotions and am quite cold in a lot of things but in last year or two i have discovered emotions away from gambling but know i have much further to go.

then wanting to end it.... one night after my wife discovered about my gambling AGAIN i drove to the sea and sat there staring at the water thinking.... luckily for me i think a group arrived to go cockle picking..... i could not believe it ..never seen them there before or since and it was about midnight miles from anywhere!!!! and another afternoon after lossing i was riding my bike fast and hard and can remember passing a car as a van was coming the other way i did not change course and just closed my eyes....... when i opened them the van was gone and i was still going.... realised what i had done i slowed down and went home.

i too have never tried internet gambling as i have tried to face up to my addiction for several years now i do not start new ways and try to break old habits.

and lastly i like your comment to finish... not how long from last bet but do whatever needed to keep away from next bet.

well done chris

Hi Chris.. you read the full thread.. blimey must have taken a while.. but nice to know that people read my ramblings. Emotions are what its all about i think.. compulsive gambling an emotional reaction to life. When i deal with my emotions and not try to surpress them then it becomes easier to manage thoughts of gambling and not act upon them.

Something i noticed this week is that i still tend to put other peoples needs before my own. I found myself saying "Yes" to things in the moment when actually I wanted to say.. "Well i dont know can i think about it".. i then either do what I have said but feel resentment or end up having to back track and come across as indecisive. Anyway in the end albeit in a round about fashion i came to decisions that were best for me and now I feel happier in myself.

Being a people pleaser often led to gambling for me in the past.. because once i had done what i didnt want to do I would then seek "me" time to recover.. by.. you guessed it... gambling!

Anyway today has been a good day.. I have time away from work now to enjoy the nice weather which seems to have appeared from no where. No thoughts or urges to gamble. Regards to all who read this... S.A 🙂

Hi SA,

Thanks for your post and for "breaking your rules" and searching me out down the pages.

I'll hopefully not be "absent" for as long as recently.

Hope all is well.

Weldy

Hi S.A,

Yet again another thought provoking post for me, I'm learning to say no a little more these days, or at least say yes, then change my mind and rather than run back to gambling, have the conviction to change my mind and do what i wanted to do in the first place.

Thanks S.A you never fail to get me thinking outside the box, in a good way....:-)

Have a good week.

green x

yes i am a bit the same.... would/will do anything i can for others and very little for myself so me time was the gambling.... but then because i gambled i could not do anything i wanted so was easier doing things for others always thought i was selfless but now i think i was actually very selfish. hard to explain but think you might know what i mean

Hi SA

I know i rarely post on your diary, but today i just want to say, when i first started my diary you where one of the first posters on my diary. You said back then one day at a time, i thought to myself WHAT, how can you live like that, how can you plan for the future and so on. I went just over 10 weeks gamble free then yesterday i gambled, and felt completely rotten and dejected. One of my mistakes was i was looking far to infront of myself and it backfired bigtime.

So now i do completely understand the principle of odaat, so today i will not gamble and what ever happens tomorrow can wait till then.

Sorry for my mindless babble on your diary, your recovery is flawless and it shows what we can achieve.

Sorry again, take care andrew

Hey Ands.. babble away in my diary any time.. no problemo. I know I babble in other peoples diaries, but as with you I wonder whether they are ok with it or not. My thinking is that as long as mine or anyone elses thoughts are well intentioned then it shouldnt be a problem. Any yes like you say "one day at a time" it seems so ridiculously simple doesnt it. Am always harping on about it, living each day as it comes etc. It doesnt mean to say that i don't try and plan for the future though and have goals etc but just as you say, living just in the future in ones mind is a recipe for futher gambling in my opinion as is dwelling as opposed to reflecting on the past.

To be honest, although I have not gambled since i started this diary it is only in recent months that things have started to make sense in my own mind about exactly what recovery and personality change from within actually means in practice and even then I have my days when i am just confused and depressed and nothing seems to make much sense. Today it does though, today I am at peace with myself and working on me.

Ive spent a life putting my own needs aside to help or support others. Everything to everyone else but nothing to myself. How that developed doesnt really matter.. but for me putting my own needs first or atleast finding some sort of balance in life is becoming more important the older I become and the more open to change I am.

When I spend my time fitting into other peoples agenda's or on occasions being actively manipulated to do what someone else wants then i become resentful or angry or just down right miserable and depressed. After 2 decades of comforting myself with various escapist behaviours of which gambling was by far the worst.. I am no longer wanting self-abuse and self-destruct in my life.

It is not easy of course and my thinking slips back from time to time but i am up for the challenge. Change takes time. I have the rest of my life to find meaning and purpose and a more fulfilling way of living and being... one day at a time.

Something else. In light of all the above I have all but decided that i do not want to have children. I hear you all sigh and I know in my heart of hearts that i would be a good dad, loving, always there for my children, conscientious, providing stability etc etc.

But do you know what somewhere deep down i think I would start to resent the children. Deep down I may resent the fact that i couldnt do what i wanted to do when i wanted to do it. Perhaps its different for some older dads who have lived life so to speak.. climbed everest, travelled the world, partied till dawn, had lots of different girl friends etc etc I spent my teens and twenties looking after people with disabilites. I had the energy to do it back then.. when in retrospect my energy would have been better off applied to bringing up a family.

Don't get me wrong i am not sad about any of this. My life experines have brought me to where i am today. I would not want things any other way. Having children is a life choice and I think for me I choose not to have children. Of course there is always that caviat.. never say never. I guess ones perspective changes if you love someone and they want children.

That point gets me thinking about online dating. I did that a while back. But you know when you fill in your profile and it asks you all those questions.. and to behonest i'd look at them and think about them and think " I don't know".. I really havent got a clue lol. Thats one of my challenges..firstly figuring out what i want.. and then devising a plan to make it happen. No hurry though.

Phew long post. I enjoyed writing it. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

...I enjoyed reading it!

You know more where you're up to than you think (does that make sense). You obviously want to be further down the road of recovery. However it isn't that easy you have to tread each step to get there.

Whatever you do in your life I wish you the best. I'm sure you'll get to wherever you're going with honours.

Take care

Steve E

Your post was extremely helpful SA,

When you describe yourself, you are describing me too! its nice to feel like you are not the only one though.

I think i grew up in such an over judgemental family, who treated me like i was a bad person if i accidently overlooked someones feelings ONCE (heaven forbid i should be imperfect...) that I got in the habit of over-compensating, and being too available to people. If I couldnt cope with someone elses problems one day, my childhood taught me that I had to put my feelings aside, and cope anyway - or face the fact i was a 'bad person.'

Like you, I think im ready to let go of all that c**P.... but it is hard to get the hang of, old habits die hard, so any tips would be much appreciated 😉

PS - (not that im over-compensating or anything) but I do hope you are well, and feeling strong today. Suddenly realised that the whole previous post was pretty much all about me! Oh, wait, thats not shameful anymore is it? 😉

Wishing you continued success in your recovery,

f x

Hi SA

Just wanted to say thankyou for your last post, like stevey i enjoyed reading it, and actualy found it very insightful indeed. I do however doubt that if you had children you would end up resenting them tho, i believe that your thought process would change and a part of your personality would too. The only reason i say that is because i have 2 sons and i had similar feelings to what you are expressing there. Just my opinion, hope your ok and hope you have a good weekend.

Take care ands..

Hiya SA,

I really liked your last post 🙂 Honest and thought provoking.

I know what I dont want also, and I'm working on what I do want, and it feels good. Oh dear I feel and essay coming on..so I'll stop at that, have a f*g and coffee and ponder.

Wish you a very good day and weekend. Keep going.

Del xoxox

Thanks everyone for the thought provoking feedback, much appreciated. I will visit your diaries over the weekend.

Had a bit of a cr** day yesterday. Thought i'd enjoy myself out in the lovely sunshine as i wasn't working but strangely I didn't. Friend rang to see if I wanted to meet up but I said no.. but thinking back it would have been the better option.. helped to have lifted my mood.

I ended up going to the cinema ( I haven't been in ages), watched a really good film the name of which oddly escapes me at this moment in time. However I came out from watching the film with my emotions all pumped up.. feeling quite euphoric.. on a high I spose. And I give you one guess what i felt like doing???? ... yup, thats it.. I felt like gambling.

Did I gamble you ask??... NO But did I want to.. YES.. albeit briefly

Thinking back I'd in many ways set myself up for a fall because..

firstly I had been feeling a bit bored and lonesome, and

secondly when I first started trying to stop gambling I used to go to the cinema as a way to pass time. However whilst sometimes I never even made it to see a film on other occasions i'd gamble after the film for precisely the reasons ive mentioned above. I'd walk out in a slightly euphoric mood and then i'd have nobody to talk to about my mood or the film i'd just watched... the only outlet would seem like gambling.

On a positive I have the coping skills now to get through these types of situations. I was able to fast forward to what would have happened if I had started gambling... but as ive said b4.. my gambling head is still their waiting patiently to pounce. I need to keep on my guard and keep alert and not set myself up for a f*** up.

As others have said to me. Its not the distance to the last bet that matters, but the distance to the next and that remains constant.

Regards to all who read this... S.A 🙂

Thanks for your post SA,

Glad I have tickled you! I thought you would enjoy this anecdote about my way with words:

During lengthy therapy, I discovered that I had rather a good way with words. I was great at making up analogies to express how I felt in an easy to understand way. A particular favourite of my therapists, was when I talked about how I was 'emotionally constipated'! I felt that I needed to let my emotions out, but at this time for some reason was unable to cry. Hence the 'emotional constipation'. So I tried taking emotional 'laxatives' - weepy movies, reading sentimental stories, thinking of sad moments in my life - to no avail. Much like the physical kind, my emotional constipation was very uncomfortable for me. I was aware that it wasnt 'healthy'. However, as my therapist commented - much like the physical kind, this constipation wouldnt kill me. It would sort itself out eventually, and I would cry again at some point - and feel a great sense of relief! lol

Good to hear you are remaining vigilant SA, your self-awareness continues to serve you well.

Take care,

f x