Hope

Hi SA,

Just wanted to say well done on your continued recovery. I often read your diary and posts with interest but don't know quite what to contribute. As my confidence returns, i will post more.

Think you have come such a long way and provide an inspiration to many people on here,

You should be proud of youself,

DT.

Hi S.A,

Thanks for the post, I'm a little more sober now, had a good night and am off out again tonight....:-)

Just read your last post about the cinema experience, and wanted to share a few thought to see if you relate.

I seem to have mental images in my head of places i have been and the experiences i have had and the thoughts they conjure up in my own mind. Take for me as an example, Blackpool, happy child hood memories, then sad memories with maddy's mum one of the last places we visited before we split, and just recently i took the 'girl' there for the weekend, more bad experiences now.

what I'm getting at is it's like i go to Blackpool to try and find the happiness i had there as a child, we went every year for two weeks and they are the happiest memories i have, i know i can't get those feelings back but i still go there to search for them, relating this to the cinema experience just wondered if you can see any connection, you know you will get that euphoric feeling or could do, but it's also dangerous.

i am properly way off the mark and there is no connection, it's just my odd brain, but would be interested to know what you think anyhow.

have a great weekend S.A...:-)

GREEN X

Thanks for your thoughts f, D.t & Green

f... emotional constipation..like it.. or rather i don't like it lol

On the edge of tears but not actually crying I have done many a time.. men don't cry and all that. Ive seen my dad cry once in my life time. Of course crying is actually natures way of healing. When I do cry I feel so much better afterwards. Am more likely to cry if i feel very angry or very lonely and i don't know what to do with those feelings. This is where addiction, my addiction comes in of course. Ive long since accepted that my gambling has only a little to do with money and the buzz and much more to do with escape from my feelings. Its easy to convince oneself that its all about money but its not in my opinion.

D.t... I follow your story with interest. I also think that you are doing well especially given the high levels of stress you are under. Stick with it and no need to feel obliged to write something to me. Simply by writing about your own recovery journey you are helping me. Keep fighting the good fight.

Green.. You make some interesting points. Its like re-visiting the past as you say.. full of memories and the associated emotions.. and you right it can be dangerous and it was for me the other day. Going into city centres on my own to supposedly watch a film is exactly what i use to do a few years ago when i was gambling my a**e off. Its no surprise that gambling thoughts came along. I won't be making that mistake again.

I had a good day yesterday. Ran a half-marathon on the tread mill, had some nice chats with the regulars and generally enjoyed the warm sunny weather. Not quite sure what the rest of today will bring. I was wanting to meet up with a friend for lunch but it doesnt look like thats going to happen now. I will probably get back down the gym.. work my arms i think and then a swim and sauna.

No thoughts or urges to gamble.. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

P.s Below is what i wrote this date last year... well ok it was Sunday 14th Sept 08 But anyway a good reminder for me what a difficult place i was in and that I have made progress...

Hungover tired and depressed.. thoughts of gambling but haven't gambled... didn't think I drunk that much last night but perhaps i did.

Am starting to lose my resolve and motivation....I cant quite remember why I cant have a little gamble once in a while...

Hiya SA,

Just popping in to see how you are 🙂 All good by the looks of things.

Del xx

Hi S.A,

Hope the start of the week has been a good one, thanks for the response to my thoughts.

Really liked your idea of looking back on your diary, a great way to track your progress, and remember how far you have come.

Regards as always keep up the good work.

green x

Thanks for dropping in Green and Del and yes it helps me to track back and see how I was this time last year. Sometimes its hard to see my own progress (other than more time passing gambling free) until i see the sort of stuff i was writing from the past.

Anyway all is ok. Mood a bit flat but just the usual work tiredness I think and spending too long looking at computer screen. No thoughts or urges to gamble. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Not much to say today.. other than another day passing gambling free. No issues in that department.

Ive been comfort eating a bit recently.. ive put on a bit of weight and eased off with the running. I struggled today to run for an hour. My weight has always yo-yo ed a bit.. not massively but enough so that I notice it. I have wobbly belly syndrome at this moment in time. But as quickly as it comes it goes again. Running races coming up soon.. healthy eating all the way from now on. Come on.. I can do it!!! .. S.A 🙂

Hi SA

Thanks for the post on my diary, it's kinda nice knowing that my feelings are understood even if they seem a little strange. Having a relationship with a fruit machine became part of my life and reading your post bought a tear to my eye.

Sometimes i feel that i am totally crazy and some of my postings sound it too. This forum has been a total godsend to me and i am so grateful for all the support i have had from you and others.

Take care SA and thanks again, ands

Hi S.A,

Nothing more to say than enjoy a gambling free weekend, your help and support on here help me and many others more than you probably realize, and i for one owe you a pint or two.

Stay off the kebabs, and stick to salad.....:-)

green x

Hiya SA

Hope the training is going okay which I'm sure it is. Have a lovely weekend.

Ps I've found boiled rice a great food to keep energy levels up

Del xx

Thanks Del... Training has stalled. I am carrying an injury.. leg needs rest but am not resting it.. so am limping on the tread mill a bit. Today I shall try and force myself not to run.

Good idea re the rice. I keep meaning to eat more rice meals but am too impatient waiting for it to boil.. it comes out still a bit crunchy lol I guess those microwave options are an option.. now i just need to get a microwave.

Surprisngly am feeling ok this morning after drinking a few cans last night with a friend. He is also a Cg (working his recovery). We had quite an intense chat about life, relationships, companionship. You know all the stuff that actually matters.

Ive come to accept in myself that although I am not gambling I am not especially making progress on the areas of life I want to make progress on. I am stable in abstention but not especially enjoying recovery. This is why i stick around cos I still need this place. I have to work my recovery. I am treading water but am getting a little worn out... does that make sense?

It is not normal to be spending 90% of my time outside of work in my own company. I have spent much of my life like this. Sometimes this is painful to think about. I am a social creature and yet i maintain myself in a pattern of self-imposed solitude. I want to break out of this pattern but I find it to hard to do so.

I am very choosy about who i decide to spend time with. I get very irritated with others who seem not to have the capacity to listen as well as talk about themselves. I do not want lots of friends but a few solid friendships.

Don't get me wrong am not especially in self-pity mode. But I need to keep acknowledging the areas of my life that I don't especially want to talk about and i find hard to change. I am self-aware. I am open to change. When an oppurtunity presents itself to move forward I will take it with both hands. Onwards and upwards.. S.A 🙂

Hiya SA,

Oh definetely rest up! I think it is ok to push ones self.. but were injury is concerned definetely need to be careful there. I'm sure you don't need me to tell you..but just a little reminder 🙂 Take it easy.

I had a few jars last night also and deep and meaningfuls with a friend and did me and her the power of good. I ..like youself.. spend alot of time on my own, its just become a way of life. I just think it is my personality though..maybe hmmm. You have give me food for thought.

Anyway..you know when I come up with something I want to change ..I write it down using spider graphs..(I'm such a nerd really)..but they work for me. I've been doing this for the past year. I do get impatient that things arn't moving fast enough, but the 'one day at a time' ethos that I use for everything now ..reels me in. Sorry I'm rambling on your diary..but I suppose what I'm saying is..maybe this very simple idea might help.

I'll go here...oh here,,.some of those microwaves rices are lovely.

Delxx

Hi Del,

I agree I think its personality. I know people who absolutely hate spending any time in their own company.. but I am the opposite to that.. I need my solitude to re-charge the batteries and settle my nevous system. Some personailty types have a profound effect on me. People who have the inability to simply listen and be quiet do my head in.

That would be the down side of Ga for me. You always get one or two characters that never stop talking, forever the advice givers. They even say things like, I don't mean to repeat myself.. and then they repeat themselves or I hope am not talking too mch and then they go on to talk for another 20 minutes. It seems that some people are deeply insensitive to others. Whether thats nurture or nature am not quite sure. Having said all of that when I come across someone who I gel with.. then its an absolute joy.. in moderation of course lol

Am definately resting today. I ran like a nut case yesterday against my own advice. 10 miles or 16 km's in 1 hour 30 minutes. Am paying the penalty this morning.. legs feel like lumps of concrete. I couldnt run even if a mad man with a knife was bearing down upon me.

I made myself a nice meal after though, which including brown rice. had some steak mince with loads of different flavourings including tonnes of garlic. Good job am not snogging anyone 🙂

I remind myself that when I gambled I always escaped outwards. I went to the arcade to gamble, I went to the pub to gamble. I find that in working my recovery the more I can enjoy spending time at home the better it is for my recovery. For at home I am safe.. betfilter is doing its job online and as for gambling through the Tv I wouldnt know how to do that anyway.. not that it appeals.

Ive found this good digital radio station called This is jazz (or something like that).. its cool chillout music 24 hours a day.. and no adverts!.. how good is that. Nothing worse than listening to some nice tunes and then suddenly.. "cillitbang.. buy it today"... (thats a household cleaner for anyone who doesnt know.) Anyways I have this is jazz on in the background.. am chilled.

Another thing I notice about me is that i ama dreamer. I escape into a dream like world. I find that anything that focusses my mind is good for my recovery and that includes writing this.. it forces me to think and reflect and hey i enjoy it. Rambling away knowing that anybody and everybody may be reading it.

This is why i also have a puzzle on the go at home.. its something else that focusses my mind. I have this habit that when i am bored or restless.. I pace about..literally from room to room. When I sit and do a few pieces of my puzzle it gets me to sit still and focus. I know puzzles are very old school but its also good that i don't spend too long looking at my computer screen.

Hey Del.. spider graphs not my thing but I do have spider plants. One of them has sent its shoots out the open window. I think its morphing into a triffid. Prob start eating random passers by soon. 🙂

Anyway another long post from me. Its a good thing though.. i cannot write whole volumes when am stressed out. I am well at the moment.. working my recovery one day at a time. Regards to all wo read this. S.A 🙂

Nothing much to report. A constructive day at work.. moments of stress but managed them well.

Again I wasnt going to run yesterday but did. Get this... 10 miles in 1 hour and 29 minutes.. now thats going something. Am defo not going for a run this evening.. maybe a swim.

Anyway no thoughts or urges to gamble.. S.A 🙂

Hiya SA

I would love to run that distance in that time..thats great. Glad all is good for you.

Del x