Hope

Hi S.A,

Glad you had a good night out, P***** up posting is always fun, i usually wake up and log on to facebook and think, o b*****ks what have i put!!!!

life is for living, s**t aside, we deserve to enjoy it.....:-)

speak soon.

green x

Thanks everyone... I see the funny side to my drunken post.. 🙂

I was tempted to delete it in the light of day.. but I won't.. its a marker of where my thinking was at that moment in time.

Strangely I havent especially got a hangover... vodka rebulls all the way.. if anything am still on a bit of a high.. I won't be doing that again in a hurry.. though it was a laugh! 🙂

Dear Diary,

I acknowledge to myself that from time to time I will go out and drink too much.. but thats ok. I think the important thing is that it doesn't become a habit.. its only when i start getting sloshed every weekend that it can potentially become a stepping stone to gambling. What I have done throughout this diary is given myself a hard time after getting sloshed.. but no more. I am not a alcoholic occasionally I drink to much.. no problemo.

A week to go to my running race. To be honest I am struggling with the training at the wrong time.. still got painful leg and now blisters as a result of new trainers. O well taking part is what its all about. The under 2 hours is unrealistic this time around.

No gambling issues. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Hi SA,

Thanks for your post, I appreciate your advice. I will keep a close eye on the fact that just because I am feeling a bit better, the damage that gambling caused to my life seems less severe than it actually was.

Hope the blisters aren't too bad and the upcoming race goes ok,

DT.

Another day passing gambling free. Its been an interesting day at work.. there seem to be positive developments on the face of it I think.. time will tell how things pan out. I will look after my own interests as best i can.

Spoke to my mum this evening..its been a while..good to talk. I get lazy with picking up the phone sometimes.. ive never really been one to chat on the phone. I much prefer one to one and face to face or writing down my thoughts like this.

I want to go down the gym but know i cant cos I need to rest thy leg.. the pain is less today.. but i still walk with a slight limp.. 5.5 days to go till race day.. getting nervous.

No thoughts or issues with gambling. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

HI S.A

I like the way you finish your post "no thoughts or urges to gamble", as though it is now perfectly normal, and you live your life without gambling thoughts. I dare say you get the odd thought, maybe urge, but from your recovery, the proof is in the pudding that with time it gets easier. You have made superb progress in my eyes.

Your last bet was on my 31st birthday, only wish i could have stopped back then, would have saved a small fortune, because the following months after that date i was blowing big sums of money, id say approx

£1000 per month, which to me, is a huge amount. All in the past of course, and im actually not bitter. What as gone as gone, only the present is important to me now.

neil

Hi Neil.. thanks for dropping in.. I will comment more on what you say in your diary.

Strange day at work.. I feel confused about the way forward. I am naturally a cautious person. I like to be sure before i make a big decision. My work may/probably will relocate to a different part of the country. I may have the oppurtunity to follow. I maybe able to work from home or maybe stay where i am or a bit of both. Its complex.

Though it does feel like the beginning of the end game work wise... and the word "game" feels like the right word.. all feels like smoke and mirrors. When others talk to me about the way forward.. is it based in reality and what is acheivable.. or is it just visions and ideas and dreams. Are others simply being self-centred and thinking only of there own interests or financial gain. Am I being spun a yarn. I don't know. I feel confused. Ultimately i must do what is right for me and I will.

Am feeling unsettled today. Time to switch off from it all for now. Taking life day at a time as always. Regards to all who read this.. S.A

No gambling of course, no gambling.

Hi SA

I can totally relate to that last post.

I was just plodding along in life, but everything was easy, i didnt want to disturbe it. But and the big but was, i was unhappy! But then things happen, i get offered a beautiful house to rent...40miles away.....it will improve my quailty of life as it is a town where i have met a girl, and made some good friends. I will no longer be unhappy, yet i have doubts, like i dont want to improve my life. Its really weird, but im going to do it. Maybe you are like that? i dont know, but sometimes we have to make decissions. If things that happen in your life that will improve it, do it. We only live once, and after years of gambling abuse its time for a bit of happiness. You dont have children, so do everything that is the best for you, be selfish, look out for number one, because nobody else will.

neil

Yes, your quite right Neil.. plodding along and tredding water.. is not living and improving my life. I want more. I do deserve some happiness. I do deserve to feel fulfilled. I am stagnating at the moment and have been for some time. Its alot more than simply not gambling. I feel down today. Part of me wants some unadulterated escapism.. I won't succumb but it still lurks their in the background waiting to pounce. I will go for a swim.. S.A

Hi SA,

Thanks for your post, good to hear from somebody who has actually experienced this first hand.

In response, when it comes to being discharged, what happens if any of your creditors say no to the discharge?

Hope things are ok with you, I always read your diary and had become concerned the last couple of days that things were not great for you.

Hope the work situation resolves for you and you can find that little bit extra you are looking for in life,

Take care,

DT.

My mood has settled a little but i woke feeling angry and stressed.. not sure what its about.. it comes in waves and then sub-sides only to come back again. I guess i know why really its work related (isnt it e***n always with me 🙁 ) and a deep insecurity about what comes next with me and my life. Am struggling with my bigger picture.. I don't have one. But I choose to continue to face my reality and work it through as best i can. One day at a time.

Gym session was very poor.. my leg hurts.. couldnt run more than 5 km.. I will complete this half-marathon.. but my heady expectations of fast times is history. I will enjoy it for enjoyments sake. I am enjoying posting this afternoon it gives me something to focus on. Regards to all.. S.A 🙂

Hi SA

Thanks for your post mate, never know what to say on your diary, apart from how well you are doing, but that is so obvious to see! Sorry to read about how you where feeling, interesting how these feelings subside so quickly. Do you feel your life is lacking direction?? i do...when gambling tho i didn't care, but i do now....

Find it interesting reading about your fitness regime and your running, when you where gambling did you take your fitness and running seriously??

Anyway enough of my dribbling, thanks again for your post and take care mate, ands

Hi S.A,

Just dropping in to say hi, and wish you luck for the run, hope the leg problem is better for the big day.

catch up a little more soon.

green x

Thanks for dropping in guys.

Another day dawns gambling free! 🙂

Am in good mood this morning.. slept well and feel refreshed. It kind of puts the last few days of down feelings into perspective.. its all work related.

Anyhow Ands to answer your questions.. your quite right lacking direction in life is something that I have often struggled with.. but having said that my life overall is alot better than it was and that is down to me and my own efforts. Like you Ands when I am gambling I do not care about myself or anything.. gambling is all that matters. I switch off from the world around me. It is only when i stop the act of gambling that the reality and the consequnces of what i have been doing sinks in... Its that reality that i try to keep in touch with when i have vague feelings of wanting to gamble.

Likewise.. as for the exercise and sport.. I took no interest in exercise and healthy living when i was in gambling mode.. who needs healthy living when youve got gambling. I looked like s**t and felt like s**t.. why would i go for a run?? Having said that when i'd run out of money i'd often walk 10 miles to get home.. so i got some exercise by default lol

Anyway thank you for reminding me of these things.. it all helps to keep me away from that next gamble. Regards to all who read this... S.A 🙂

P.s Thanks Green.. The leg feels okish today.. touch wood

Hi SA, just wanted to pop in to congratulate you with your battle - you truely are an inspiration for CG's that there is a light at the end of the tunnel is you really want it. Keep going

G

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