Hope

Thank you Gg.

Another day dawns gambling free. Day 502 to be precise though I still find recovery hard work sometimes. The principle of day at a time is so true. A part of me wants to run for cover.. which in my case is the comfort of machine feeding.

I was walking home last night, it was dark, I had one beer inside me. Am walking down the high street that is almost deserted and guess what catches my eye... the flashing lights of the local arcade.

I go for months not really noticing these places i use to practically live in and then suddenly out of the blue I notice it. Between the gaps in the frosted glass I notice the machines.. and its still the same machines that i gambled on in the past.. they are winking at me... "we are still here.." they say to me. I walk on past.. it was not difficult.. but i had noticed them, I had noticed them.

I was not in a great place first thing this morning.. I just woke up with a generalised rage within me.. work related as always.. and life related as well, cos it impacts. Ive written a great deal this morning cos i don't especailly know what else to do.. and it has helped.. so i should be ok.

Time to focus on tomorrows race. Ive bought some leg strapping.. it helps a bit. Am gonna strap myself up like an Eygyptian mummy lol. I am nevous though that injury will force me out of the race.. time will tell.

Today i choose recovery... S.A

Hi SA

Just wanted to say well done on your gamble free days, 502 days thats impressive mate and no doubt inspiring to not just me but most who have followed your diary!

Glad you walked straight past the arcade, i can defo relate to those machines, it is like they are calling us and i know exactly where you are coming from.

Hpoe the race goes well for you tomorrow and your leg is ok.

Take care mate and i hope you have a good gamble free weekend, ands

Hi SA,

Good luck in your run, hope it goes well for you.

DT.

Another day passing gambling free.

Well on the positive I have completed the half-marathon, and that is of course an acheivment in itself... though i ended up walking in the end. Am a bit tearful to be honest becuase all my heady expectations came to nothing.

I should not have done it.. ive had a an injury for a few weeks now.. i was in pain.. i just couldnt run. Am gonna book myself an impointment with a sports injuries clinic next week. I feel sad and i cant walk now.. it was a nightmare getting home.

O well never mind like i say, i did finish even if it was in a time of 20 years lol Am off to lie in the bath for 3 hours now... S.A ...feeling sorry for himself 🙁

Hi SA

I just want to repeat what others are saying, you are insperational to people like me, you come on here, for you obviously, but reading your posts help me a great deal, and many others.

As for the half marthon, great stuff, you feel a little sad? Major achievement, even more so with a injury. could be a whole lot worse, you could be sat in your bath feeling sorry for yourself after losing x amount in the arcades!!!

I always look out for your posts, hope you continue to post for some time yet.

neil

Am feeling more positive today. Ive just booked my appointment with a sports injury clinic. Hopefully they will be able to tell help me and put me on a path to sensible training and how to avoid injury. It was daft of me really to take up regular exercise without first finding out the do's and dont's of it all. So there we go.

Not much else to say really.. no gambling thoughts.. just chilling today.. tidy up my flat a bit.. back to work tomorrow. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Well f*** a doodle do.. ive just been on the website to see what time I did.. and I actually beat the time I did from my last half-marathon..

Beat it by one minute!!! 🙂

.. despite walking bits of it!!! .... how could this be???

I guess what i ran i was actually running quite quickly.. my mood is transformed.. I know now that if it wasnt for injury I would have run significantly quicker.... Yeee Haaaa...!!!!

.... this spurs me on now.. get some good advice and get training properly.. next year will be much better... S.A 🙂

Hi S.A,

Well done on the run, what springs to mind from your last post is sometimes in life we are doing better than we think, be it your run, our recovery, or just things in general. And like you say in a years time as long as we do what is needed, things will be even better. At this rate i will be looking out for you in the 2012 Olympics.

Nice work S.A. hope the leg is improving.

green x

Hi S A

thats called determination m8 and you have plenty of it .positive mental attitude thats why you were faster something you dont get from gambling well done kid Jeff.

Hi SA,

thanks for your post on my diary. I have a habit of giving my opinion without considering if its welcome or not! so good to know that you found it relevant. I would hate to come across as a know it all, I always mean to just offer help and a different perspective, stuff thats constructive.

You seem to be addicted to beating personal records! lol. Very pleased that you are finding your training rewarding. I guess its a very healthy way to get a buzz 🙂

From what I have read of your posts I notice a lot of of similarities between us, in the way you perceive things. So Im determined to read your diary in full eventually! Always comforting to know someone else has felt the same way and you're not just a weird alien 😀

take care as always,

f x

Hi Freda... likewise thank you for your thoughts. I agree that we have some similarities and just to reassure you that i think you are always sensitive in how you put your thoughts across, try not to worry about potentially upsetting people.

At the end of the day we all have to take responsibilty for our own feelings. You or I do not upset anyone it is the other persons reaction to my or your behaviour... for me everything i say is always well intentioned even if its not taken that way.

Its also as another poster suggested. This is a public forum and for me persoanlly I like to invite public comment.. if it ever happens to be something i disagree with or upsets me.. I just ignore it. The emotion of the moment soon passes and any such comments would soon disappear into past pages anyway soon enough. I happen to think you have a great skill in writing.

By the way I am a wierd alien, your not alone 😉

My day has been ok.. bit apprehensive about going back to work after time away.. a few moments of stress and annoyance but they passed and i coped. Spoke to a trusted person about what was going on for me.. life in general.. always feels good to offload.

My impression is that my job is secure... it maybe that certain up coming changes will help me.. am also going to get off my a**e and look around and see what else there is out there for me.. I am a capable man I just dont fully realise it sometimes.

I have this habit of slipping back all to easilly to feeling a bit depressed and paranoid and anxious about stuff... and yet at the same time I find my way through without comforting myself with gambling.

Another positive is that I am no longer obsessed with wanting more money just for the sake of wanting more money. I am on a low income but i managing just fine. When bills come along I simply pay them.. its not a problem anymore and that feels nice.

Until my next post.. S.A 🙂

A big high five to you for all the lovely things you are feeling!

you are very lucky to hold the attitudes that you do - some people are never happy, glad you are not in that club.

Thank you for writing nice things about me - how much do I owe you...? 😉

Hi S.A,

Just passing through, nothing much to say, but glad you liked the tree analogy the other day, I'm busy trimming branches off mine at the moment, and about time to..:-)

stay strong mate, keep up the good work.

green x

Hi SA

Thanks for your post on my diary mate, made a lot of sense.... I seem to get so confused at times and at my age that is not good!

take care and thanks again, ands

Its a strange thing that although I don't especially come here to make friends but to "work my recovery".. it is nonetheless very hard not to become attached in some way to particular people... particular people that i relate to and have been following for months. When they may leave or move on for whatever reason I feel sad. I feel sad this morning.

Having said that, slightly perversely, it does re-double my resolve to keep working my recovery. I do know what its like to go for long periods of time without gambling and then to gamble again.

This works for me so i keep using it. If I decide to move on I will say so.. ideally it will have been because I had found support else where.. as yet i have not.. so I stay where i am.

Anyway all for now.. just wanted to get my feelings out on the table. Another day has started gambling free.. S.A 🙂