Hope

Hi All.. must admit ive woken up feeling a bit stroppy this morning and the first thing I read is a regular poster talking about the details of there recent bets and how much they won..why are they here?? ..why dont they go to a betting forum?? On a good day i wouldnt give a d**n but today it bothers me.

My leg aint getting no better.. I was in so much pain hobbling back from Ga last night. Ive strapped my leg up over night.. now of course i have a swollen foot cos i over done it. The Ga meeting was quite good though.. I havent been for a while. I shall say more.

The group had a look at the 12 steps.. which ive never really focussed upon before. Its surprising how much character defects come into them and how much of the steps is actually taken up with working on persoanility change. Isnt this so true in recovery??

A member talked about how they are less likely to bet now not because of the length of time since there last gamble but because of the changes they have made in their character and personality, to the extent that they have become a very different person to what they were when gambling.

This member talked about how they are less likely now to want to control their environment and the people in it. Less likely to want to manipulate and regulate people into doing what HE wanted. In short less likely to be a self-centred A******* that everybody hated.

This got me a thinking, because I don't especially relate to this in my character.. but I have at times seen myself as a victim of this sort of personality. I have worked with characters like this and inside i get very angry not just at the person but also at myself for allowing myself to be manipulated in such ways.

I guess its the classic playground bully scenario and yet its occured with me in adult life. What have I done in the past is to comfort myself with gambling. I don't do that anymore but I still do struggle with these controlling manipulating characters. Part of my recovery is to be more assertive and not take no s**t from these a*******s.

Anyway rant over.. anybody got a new leg.. im fed up with mine. Its true that ones health and well being is so much more important than any money.. no amount of money will make my leg heal now!! Reagrds to all... S.A 🙂

Hi SA. I thought as you have been so generous with support with my slow recovery and in my diary I would pop into yours.

I don't know how I can help but what I would like to say is that I know the feeling about self esteem in work etc (low).

I have costantly been in jobs where I am bullied by stronger though often less educated people. It is simply their confidence that has allowed them to walk over others and climb the slippery pole...

I am currently in low paid work and have had some real run ins with the managers. Whilst the loud mouthed people seem to get what they want the managers have a tendency to pick on the 'quiet ones' as they know they won't kick up about anything.

Well I have snapped a couple times and finally they seem to be treating me better but I don't like having to be someone else.

Yes I have seen a few people that seem to talk about wins and quiet rightly we should hold them to account. If I see someone like that now I just think the wins will turn to losses not out of envy for the win but because they have not kicked the addiction if they are indeed addicted and WILL lose eventually...

I inly have spoken of wins in relation to the massive losses that have followed because at the end of the day I wish I had never touched gambling. The only happy memories I have of gambling are of the 2 penny slot machines at the seaside with my Gran!

Anyway SA ohpe things pick up and sorry about the leg are you off sick (or can you take some???)

You are probably like me no chance of retiring early!!!

Regards Awayout

Thanks Awayout... ive replied to you on your diary.

Am in much better mood this morning than I was yesterday morning. Moods are strange creatures, I can't get a handle on mine half the time.

Am off to the sports injury clinic today to get some more treatment.. hope it helps. I still hold out hope of being able to do the run this weekend.. but after that its deffo time to take some time out from the running.. re-assess things. I think I will be swimming alot. Am lost without some sort of exercise. Sometimes its the only thing that gets me feeling alive.

No thoughts or urges to gamble.. for that I am always grateful. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Hi SA,

Hope your leg is ok and you can do your run as planned,

Warm Regards,

DT.

Hi S.A thank you for your post on my diary.

I am gradually reading through yours and a few of the other regular posters, but its taking time, lol.

Do you know if there is a way of displaying more than 5 posts on a page?

Gradually getting thorugh them.

Congratulations on the half marathon.

And on such a period with no gambling, it is inspirational to know just how much some people have achieved.

Did you get a diagnisis for your knee? Hope your visit to the sports injury clinic goes ok and you get some improvement.

Ash

Day 515 gambling free.

Not the best of days today.. feeling disillusioned and fed up and moody. I regret something I did yesterday but nothing i can do about it now. Its taken me all day at work to lift my mood and try to feel vaguely positive.. I also have a vague feeling of wanting escapism but I won't be daft. Today I choose recovery.

As for my leg.. well its not fractured.. its tendon problems.. still hurts when i walk.. still walking with a limp.. no great south run for me.. may have to hang up running shoes.. it aint something thats gonna sort itself overnight thats for sure... really sad about that..

anyway another day passing gambling free.. though it all just feels a bit monotonous at the moment... like this diary. Am away for a few days now.... S.A

Hi S.A,

Thanks for the post, sorry the leg ain't to good, suppose the only thing you can do is give it time to heal, and hopefully that will do the trick, your an inspiration in recovery my friend, as you know are moods all swing from time to time, guess we just need to live with it as a part of life for now.

The date went OK, nice girl but i know it's to soon for me to jump into somthing my heart just isn't in.

Keep safe S.A, have a good weekend...:-)

green x

Hi SA

Thanks for the post, lol, just those few words made me smile...Short and sweet sometimes is all it takes, not going to dribble on this morning.

Hope the pain in your leg eases up and you have a good gamble free weekend... take care ands

Hi S.A.

Thanks for your post on my diary. Always nice to have a few words of encouragement. Means the world in the early days.

Keep going, although you say your diary is getting repetative, if it's "not gambled today" than thats the sort of repetition I would like a year or so down the line.

Thanks again

M

Thanks for dropping in guys.. I will visit your diaries soon.. alas not today though am shattered from being away.

I did have thoughts of gambling but I did not act upon them. Am not in a great place at the moment. I think a number of things have combined: on-going leg pain (am tired of walking with a limp), dispappointed I could not do the run, insecurities and worry around work and just generally feeling a bit lost in direction and focus and feeling a tad lonely as a result. I always seem to struggle this time of year as well.

The motto is very much one day at a time at the moment. Gambling is rather too close for comfort. The urge to gamble never totally goes away is just something I gotta keep trying to manage as best i can. Regards to all who read this... S.A 🙂

P.s I changed my mind.. ive done some posting.. its helped.. time to get ready for work now.

Hi SA,

Sorry to hear that your leg is not performing - how dare it? You seem very aware of your emotions at the moment, doing whatever you have to do to keep going even though some days the motivation doesn't seem to be there.

I'm not sure whether to say this, but I'm going to anyway(I can delete it later if you would like), but I am noticing a pattern in your posts with more and more mentions of gambling. I would hate to think that you are subconsciously talking youreslf into gambling in some way, just to get it out your system. You have come so far in your journey that it would be such a shame to waste all that hard work because you feel slightly low, nothing more, just slightly low.

I have thought about posting in this manner on numerous diaries, didn't, and within days the person involved had gambled and I regretted not doing so.

Tell me to b**t out if you like, but that has been the impression I have got from your recent posts.

The only reason I have put this is because even though I do not know you personally, I genuinely do care about your wellbeing.

All the best,

YFIR,

DT.

Hi D.t,

I have no problem with open and honest feedback.. so thankyou. Feel free to say what you want in my diary.. 🙂

I think your summary of where I am at is not far from the truth of the matter. Gambling for me has come a little closer recently. On Sunday when i was coming back from my sisters I was seriously considering getting off my train early and going off to have a secret gamble in the sure knowledge that I would not be discovered. I didn't my coping strategies worked. I was able to say to myself that although I was struggling within myself... gambling was not the answer and tomorrow I would feel differently.. which indeed I did... thoughts of gambling had once more receeded over the horizon.

I don't get urges to gamble very often nowadays.. but I do still get them. For me it continues to be a question of managing my feelings.. and sometimes I just find it so hard. I need to watch for self-pity.. that has been my downfall on many an occasion.

I think in the last few weeks a number of factors have seemingly joined forces to knock my confidence. There is my on-going issues with work and my general feelings of insecurity and worry and anger and frustration.. how things will pan out now god only knows. For me it feels worse when i go to visit family.. cos all my family seem so sorted when it comes to work, stress free and earning loads of money and i wonder to myself where did it all go so wrong. My self-esteem takes a little hit.

Then i add to this mix my dodgy leg. I really struggle with pain. I am so tired of limping around. Running was one of the things I did to fill the void and now i cant do that anymore. I went to the doctor this morning and this is how my consultation went.

Me: Hello: its my leg doctor

Doctor: Did you have a fall?

Me: No, I think its a running injury....

Doctor: Its muscular, take Ibuprofen after meals, its cheaper at the supermarket, take hot baths.

At which point the doctor is clearly no longer interested in anything else I may or may not have to say and turns to his computer.

My consultation is over in 1 minute.. am a bit flabergasted to be honest but I clock this doctor for what he is.. a doc approaching retirement who no longer has any interest in patients. I think to myself what a waste of time. Strangely though I have done what he has said.. and will be dutifully munching on my pain killers every 4 hours lol

I tell you something though if my leg continues not to clear up on its own. I will be back in fighting form to force the doctor to do his job properly.

Anyway where was i?? Ah yes.. recovery from gambling addiction. This diary is still a gambling free zone and i intend to keep it that way.. one day at a time. Its felt a little harder this last few weeks but I will fight my way through. Thanks once again D.t for highlighting things that I may not see clearly enough in myself. This is another way that diary writing works.. warning signs can be spotted before they lead to disaster. Regards to all who read this. tahnks for listening... S.A 🙂

Hi SA

The last two posts were a great read, from yourself and DT. I got a feeling maybe i was the one who needed the facts said to me has DT mentioned. Although i was fully aware what i was doing, playing free play casinos, self pity, standing in a bookies for no reason other than looking like a mental patient. Obviously it was leading to a gamble....i knew it but kidded my mind that i could beat the urge, i couldnt...and i duly needed that moment "to flush gambling from my mind" and the only way possile i could do that was to errrr gamble! I did, got off light considering i have funds in the bank. I didnt clean it out, but i did take on all the emotions a gambler experiences. Wasnt pleasent, but it sure did flush out that gambling that was lurkig around. And now i feel "normal" again. So next time i lurk around bookies, or play free play...which i havent done i might add up until last week, or get in that b******t self pitying mood....then i will see the signs for what they really are, and go about doing something about it, in the right manner.

Sorry to use this diary, i know it belongs on my own, but i just want you to seeSA, that although you have remained gamble free since may 26th 2008( yes i know your date)...gambling can be very very devious and trick us, even when we think we have it under control, like you say it crossed your mind to get off the train and have a sneaky bet, no-one would know. maybe next time that urge might get the better of you, and to be honest it doesnt matter if nobody knew, you would, and let me tell you, it would mess up your head. I almost forgot the feeling, came flooding back saturday, and i didnt like it one little bit. Take care my friend, and thankyou for posting. Im not very good with words and you seem to sum up things very clear.

neil

Hi SA

Thanks for your post on my diary, its funny but when i read the above posts, i just seem to have forgotten completely what i was gonna say, lol!

Sorry my posts at times are so lame!

When i look back on my diary you where one of the first posters and 4 months later you still post and offer support and advice, so thankyou SA..................take care, ands

Morning SA,

Thanks for your post and support. Must say that I procrastinated for ages about my last post on your diary and when I had posted spent the next day worrying that you would be offended. So pleased that it may have helped in some small way, it was a genuine relief to read that,

Anyhow, pleased to see you in good spirits and have a good day hobbling wherever you hobble to,

Take care,

DT.