The title of my diary is the question I asked myself on 6/12/2016, whilst talking to a counsellor, and went on to say "an antidepressant taking gambler". I came home, registered on here (in fact re registered as I couldn't remember my username or password, having looked at the site at the beginning of the year), and started reading and posting.
To begin with the slots were purely recreational. I could go in the casino with £40, I would play on the 10p roulette and then the slots, usually seemed to come out slightly up, but if I lost accepted that I had to pay for entertainment. I don't know when or how it got out of control. The total amount I gambled increased, and the stakes changed. One night at end of November I had spent the night (yes till closing) sitting in front of a slot machine in the casino, used the cash I had taken with me and then been to the auto bank 3 times, and finally scrabbled in my purse for £ coins. I knew I was throwing money away, in fact I said to the machine, 'just take my money if you are going to, then I can go home.' I left, came home, thinking I had to stay away for a while. On 5/12/2016 I was out shopping, I passed a Bingo place that I had been to once before, and turned in...lost £240 on slots. At my counselling session on 6/12 I decided I had to open up to my counsellor, she was aware I had a problem, but I had never admitted the extent, I told her about the previous day.
When I first came on here I thought I was just going to cut down, so didn't want to start a diary, but then I realised there could be no half measures. I accepted that I am a compulsive gambler. When I'm on a slot machine I 'zone out'. I hate to think how much I have lost this year, fortunately I am not in debt. I have spoken to my closest friend and have her support, she is monitoring my bank account. I have sorted my bills so that all my direct debits come out of the account my salary goes into, I have a standing order to another account for weekly spends. I do not carry the debit card for my main account, and only ever have a maximum of £50 in my purse, normally £20. I am relearning the value of a £20 note. I have reduced my anti depressant dose, for not only was it helping with the lows, but also reducing the highs. I felt emotionless...yes I am crying more, but I am going through a tough time at present, and it is ok to cry....but I don't feel as 'cut off' as I was feeling.
06/12/2016 was my first day of not gambling. I have joined the 100 day challenge and look forward to the 2017 challenge. I already feel that my life is improving. Since deciding that I cannot gamble because I cannot stop, I feel a sense of relief....because gambling and trying but failing to control it, left me with a feeling of worthlessness and self disgust....and a constant tension.
I've waffled on enough. It is great getting to 'know' people on here and in 'chat'. I am learning so much. Thank you.
Hey Rhoda, great to see you start a Diary...it really has helped me posting my thoughts on mine, keep posting, keep reading, keep making the right choices....We are stronger than this...We CAN and We WILL
M x
Very honest post.
We all walk together here - Keep up the good work and allow yourself to feel better.
Sbb
Hi Rhoda,
Thanks for stopping by on my diary, its so good that you have someone close enough to help you through this. I found it totally screwed up that i could not control my gambling and i would keep depositing until my bank said 'no'! then, i felt relieved!! Wt??
From someone who used to be so good with money and never late payments or anything to this....addiction, i am an addict in all its guilt ridden, self loathing form.
We cannot change yesterday, but we can change tomorrow! heres to a happier, healthier 2017!
Mel x
Evening Rhoda, you did it 🙂 Good skills! Now all you have to master is recognising it is your safe place to waffle away to your heart's content with no apologies ever needed 🙂
I know what you mean about not wanting to stop...I only wanted to control it (bah, who am I kidding...stop losing) & I too realised that there were no half measures for me anymore. I hated the idea & even after starting my diary (paper) I was planning to 'treat' myself after a month...Thankfully I'd read way too much by then & come completely to my senses! Gambling had long since stopped being special, it was something I just did, like breathing, I thought I needed it...What tosh (the gambling not the breathing)! Keep working on that dose, it is ok to feel shi77y, that's life!
You're not worthless, you just didn't realise that your self medicating with the fruities was doing so much damage. Your eyes are open now & as you work through the highs & lows of accepting you, the numbness should abate - ODAAT
thanks for your comments.
I have twice tried to post a proper reply, and having typed it got an error message....hence last nights brief comment. In work today. Catch you later...life is better GF.
You're not trying to use emoji are you? They always seem to error the posts for me!
ODAAT wrote:
You're not trying to use emoji are you? They always seem to error the posts for me!
That always happens to me too ODAAT, first couple days I joined were a nightmare, I'd write a huge long post and lose it then noticed it only happened when I used the emoji...Not had any problems since stopped using them 🙂
M x
Hi Rhoda, just dropping you a line to let you know I think you are doing brilliantly. As a founder member of our little group, you are proudly upholding the ethos of what we are all trying to achieve. Keep strong Rhoda ... and be rightly proud of what you are doing. 🙂
Hiya Diary, well for reasons you know it has been a tough Christmas and week...I have wanted to go to casino to lose myself, but do not want to go down that line anymore. Yesterday I treat myself to a couple of things for the house with money I receivd for Christmas...in the past it would have gone into the slots. On Boxing Day I took pleasure in giving family members some vouchers for meals...far better way to use a £20 note than in a stupid box (it bought them vouchers with twice the face value) I stay GF.
Rhoda, all power to your elbow and choosing life, day by day, despite everything that life is throwing at you!
Keep strong, we are all with you, all behind you, always there 🙂
Evening again chat buddy, just wanted to drop by & wish you a Happy New Ear!
I know it was a typo but I loved it 🙂 & even though they barely get a mention in the rhyme, I'm heads, shoulder, knees & toesing like that song that'll get on your nerves only it isn't, it's just making me very happy 🙂
Hi Rhoda, thank you for popping by my Diary..
I'm only a few days behind you and we've almost hit our Month milestone, how good is that! We are indeed choosing Life!
Happy New Year to you & yours!
M x
Yo Rho, thanks for the drop by 🙂 The anticipation & thought of doing stuff is often way scarier than pulling up our big girl pants & my goodness you've been doing that lately! Easy for me to say don't fear GA, I spent the end of my 'illustrious career' in the bookies, trying to avoid eye contact with other punters. Once you've ventured into one of those, late @ night in a town miles from home, nothing is scary anymore. I always had a damage limitation plan in place mind...Never ever left with money in my pocket, or let's face it, the ability to even get anymore so the chances of being mugged were, thankfully, slim to none.
I don't suppose you're anywhere near Hertfordshire/Bucks or London are you? I would be happy to meet up & 'hold your hand' for company if you wanted to give it a shot & don't live as far away as the moon. The other option would be to find out when they have an Open meeting, friends & family are welcome @ these so maybe your friend would go along with you?
Not physically on the challenge but there in spirit willing us all on to brighter, calmer futures.
Congrats on your 1st 4 weeks, keep up the great work - ODAAT
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