"How have I become this person?"

Hi Rhoda.

I'd just like to mirror the comments above really , don't ever consider yourself a failure , you haven't given up and you certainly haven't stopped fighting and sometimes that fear of letting go completely is pretty tough to overcome , I know when I stopped I self exclude from all High street bookies that I used but left the door wide open at the Casino that I used to frequent for nearly 12 months and I'm sure that was for the same reason , so I could alway's go back if I felt the need ?.

Don't be afraid Rhoda , it's just fear of the unknown and nothing to fear except fear itself :)).

My name is Alan and I'm a compulsive gambler . My lasty bet was the 8th September 2015 xx

Hi Rhoda,

Have sat with this open for a good few minutes, wondering what to say (nothing bad, just thinking about you and your situation). I hope your enjoying your time away, that is the first thing. We all need a break from life. I admire your honesty and strength of character. It is hard to admit to being a compulsive gambler, I still struggle with it most days. It ruins the view of perfection that I strive for (and do not meet most days). You have realised that you don't want it anymore, you don't need it anymore, it is not about the money. I salute your courage and your determination.

Keep the faith.

Julie x

P.S. My name is Julie and I am a Compulsive Gambler, my last bet was on 24th February 2017. Had to go back and add this, it doesn't come easy to type either!

Been to casino this evening (after GA meeting), and have self excluded on Sense scheme. Friend from GA came with me...we ended up laughing with girl on reception and the Manager....at this moment feeling as though a weight has been lifted.

Well done Helen sometimes it's vital to have exclusions in place from what I read the sense scheme is probably the best exclusion scheme there is and I've not read anyone who has wangled around it .

I imagine it felt good to finally get over the line with it ?And good on you for taking a friend with you to do it aswell. Have a great one x

It feels more than good...it has taken me six months to get to this point. I don't understand what happens when I gamble, but I lose all common sense. I'm happy to feed hundreds into a machine, in fact, when gambling I am only happy when I can feed in hundreds, I don't want to limit myself, or have anyone else imposing a limit. The money means nothing. As I was driving to GA last night I thought if someone gave me £1000 and said spend as you wish, I would get a bigger kick out of feeding a slot, than using it to buy stuff....how crazy...I don't like that craziness in me...I do not want to be that person. Not excluding was giving me an option, I wanted to be able to go for the odd evening out, because the casino has been an important part of my life for several years. But at some point I became a compulsive gambler: gambling when I was happy or when I was sad, with a friend or alone, to escape life and to feel more alive. Gambling gives me highs, but it gives me lows too....and the lows are not to do with the lost money, but the loneliness, the pathetic figure sitting alone in a casino hours on end, a liar, someone defeated by life. Watching my friend gamble, encouraging her to gamble, I have been in action vicariously....I did not want to let it go completely, I was scared to. But keeping that door open sapped my strength, made me feel a failure, it was stopping me moving forward...I was sabotaging my self. Sometimes it feels safer to self sabotage, than putting oneself in a position where one can fail. Today has been a good day.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts Rhoda. I could relate to every word. -joan

Been reading some pertinent comments in debate section...CW commented about replacing one form of addictive behaviour with another, stopping us making connections with people. Well I have addictively watched Greys Anatomy over the past month...sitting up till early hours, and strange, when I watched last episode I had the same sense of relief as when reaching the limit of my debit card on auto bank in casino. Avoiding box sets for a while.

Im on Day 60 today ( for the third time I think it is). I do still have gambling thoughts, but I know I am in a better place than I was. Life is still difficult at times....but that is the nature of life...but I am reaching out when I start to feel overwhelmed. In debates section there is talk about honesty, and to tell or not to tell? I find myself being honest with a few more people, because I am who I am, and I don't need to feel ashamed....gambling addiction is part of me....I want people to know ME, and not have to put on a front.

My name is Helen and I am a compulsive gambler.

Hi helen

Nice post and when you talk about honesty and wanting people to know the real you- that says perfectly to me why it's so important. Any other reason is secondary to that. Anyway soz don't wanna bring the debate to your thread.

Glad your doing well. Living life with its ups and downs, not hiding - greys anatomy aside 😉

Louis

Hi Diary, not had a lot to say to you for a while, but I am plodding on, now on 95 days....and in a much better place. Some days I really miss gambling, it had become the place I ran to when feeling lonely, hurt, bored, pointless. In retrospect, I now see that all it did was increase the hurt, loneliness and pointlessness. I am going to GA regularly, but also trying to forge stronger friendships, and make opportunities to create new ones. I have more energy to give to my work, and have plans for changes I want to make in my home. Not every day is good, but I am coping better with the bad ones, with support from friends within GA and without, and hopefully I am giving them something in return. My name is Helen. I am a compulsive gambler. My last bet was 5/5/2017.

Hey Rhoda , sorry it's taken awhile to get back to you .

Just aquick pop bye to say thank you for the kind words the other day .

I'm glad to see you " Plodding " on towards the century marker and I understand perfectly that not everyday is all singing and dancing but can see that your life without gambling is improving daily .

It's alway's a pleasure to be walking alongside you :))

Best wishes for now and thanks again .

Alan x

Happy 100! ☺...was nice to "hear" your thoughts on chat!!

It works if you work it and you seem to do splendid job here.. keep it up!

B&S xx

Hey Rhoda !

Congratulations and " Welcome to the century club " :))

Love and best wishes

Alan xx

Congratulations Helen , your 100 Days GF is a big achievement .... stephen

Sorry Helen I just posted to you on my own diary :(( I'm old and it's late what can I say ?xx

Hi Helen :)) .

I think your wasting your life if you allow gambling or your past association with it to continue to dominate and hold you back .

I'm mid fifties and have myself been guilty of looking back and reflecting on the money and more importantly the time I gave to gambling instead of living my life but that being said It was my life for a good many years so I can't turn the clock back but what I can choose to do like yourself is try my hardest to make every other day I have left on this earth as good an experience as I can .

Sometimes period's of our lives can be quite sh11ty but others are really special so maybe it's time to pump your bike tyres back up and start with the first push off , allow yourself to gather some speed and more importantly some momentum and see where it takes you ?

As the saying goes " It's ok to look back , just don't stare too long " :))

xx