"How have I become this person?"

Was just replying to SamePhil about whether it has to be total abstinence from gambling, and realised I needed to think it out on here. For me it has to be total abstinence, because I am afraid...I would never have believed I could get hooked on slot machines. Now I am on my guard; first few days on here I was putting a tot of something in my bedtime drink, just helped me relax...could I turn to alcohol?; I bought two new purses...am I becoming a shopaholic? Christmas has been an excuse for overeating...am I going to turn to food and pile the two stone on I lost last year? Rightly or wrongly I have weaned myself off antidepressants over last month...can I cope without them? I am scared...scared of being taken over by compulsions and medication. I am fighting back. Mari I hope you don't mind, I am using your battle cry....I'm choosing LIFE.

Thanks for your earlier replies SC and ODAAT. No I am north of Watford ODAAT...in God's own county 🙂

You're doing great Rhoda, spinning lots of plates, as life sometimes demands, and holding steady. You deserve another day GF - treat yourself to it 🙂

Hi, you asked about when my thinking changed to not wanting to gamble anymore and to be honest I don't really know. There wasn't a single thing that happened...no big aha moment...more a seeping in of all that I'd learnt and understood. Things slowly (and it felt very slow at times) started to slot together. As I put together the jigsaw of why I was doing what I was doing,my thinking slowly changed along the way. Understanding the difference between wanting to stop gambling and wanting to stop losing was important. I think at first I wanted to be able to stop the losses. If I could just get my fix but not lose (I'd long ago given up on actually winning anything!). Come out even...no harm done. No guilt, no remorse, no upset. But it doesn't work like that, does it? I think I was afraid to let it go as well. What else would I do when I was bored or stressed or upset? What would I turn to instead? I feel that I slowly circled down into gambling and that I've slowly circled back up out of it. I've not been able to just stop and I've fallen off the wagon a few times after fairly long gf stretches. So I've really had to look at what was fuelling it. Maybe I just finally got sick and tired of it? Whatever the reason, my thinking has changed, and for that I'm grateful.

Sorry, that was a bit of a ramble 🙂

LB x

Morning Rho, that's a little too far but I'll never say never...If it starts becoming a burning desire & you have no-one else you'd rather go with, I'm pretty sure I'd be able to drag Hopeless Soul halfway up the Country to a meeting 🙂

& as for being a coward, I completely disagree...The courage you have shown already completely disproves that! I was going to write something stronger but it seems the Admin Gremlins have been back through our posts & gone to work on some of our chosen offensive words such as s-t-u-f-f so no point risking anything harsh. I think you're still @ the stage where you worry way too much about what everyone else thinks & how they will react to such outrageous confessions as not wanting to quit but addiction is what it is! People here shouldn't, but we do judge (sometimes) & what you hopefully will start to accept is that everyone is fighting for the same goals so if you do happen to disagree with people along the way, don't take it personally!

You're doing great...Keep asking, keep fighting - ODAAT

Hi Rhoda,

Thanks for your kind post on my diary - a good night's sleep and the right medication seem to have sent everything back in the right direction today. Read your posts - well done on the progress that you are making so far. As for the self-analysis, I think it comes with the territory, and once you realize and identify the addictive personality as I have within myself, its easy to over-do it. Try not to worry too much, keep heading in the right direction, and keep talking.

All the best, Ryan

Last night I soo wanted to go to the casino....the problem was I had had quite a good day, then got a phone call that made me feel hopeless. I imagined driving to casino, the feeling of walking into it, the excitement of choosing a machine and which game was most likely to pay....which game I liked the 'ping ping ping' to the most (though they all sound good when you hear them). I resisted....sat and ate it instead. Why do I have to do something self destructive to make me feel better? Not been productive this morning....going to get up now and go and do a stack of ironing x

I remember reading that you're seeing a counsellor so this would be a good question to explore with them. I was asking myself the same question for a long time. You'll have your own reasons but there is something in the idea that engaging in destructive behaviours allows us to take the focus away from the real underlying cause and focus on them instead. All the time I was distraught and unhappy about gambling I didn't need to look inside and see what I was really distraught and unhappy about. And of course all people use things to self soothe...eating, gambling, drugs, alcohol, video games, exercise. There's a long list, but all of them make us feel better temporarily. We have an inbuilt need to make ourselves feel better. It's good that you can see the link between the phone call and the desire to gamble/eat...lots of people wouldn't even see that. It's early days and there's a lot to get through, but you're doing it so take heart. LB x

Hey Rhoda, the most important thing is you didn't go.... How much worse would you have been feeling this morning? You know you made the right choice, your choice.... why would anyone choose misery, self loathing, financial ruin etc etc etc ... we wouldn't choose that life for a loved one but yet we willingly do it to ourselves. We need to learn to like ourselves again, to believe we are worthy of a life without addiction, it's a slow slow process but every single day I add to being GF is a small step forwards to getting there. Keep making the right choice.....

M x

Hi Rhoda,

Thanks for stopping by and my diary 😉

Good to read u are still gf and I don't think the urges will leave us, I guess for me it's about learning what my triggers are...I don't remember my life very well without this horrible addiction in it now ...I hope that as time passes things will get easier, habits fade but addiction will never leave us

Keep fighting and choosing life!

Hi Rhoda,

I absolutely understand your comments about replacing one self-destructive thing with another. For me, I've found that alcohol is the least destructive, but ideally I'd like not to be self-destructive at all. Well, this old carcass is a bit of a fixer-upper!

LB - Your list of vices seems to be a bingo card of things that I have tried and fixated upon. Maybe exercise is one that isn't self-destructive, but it can definitely be addictive.

Anyway, keep resisting those urges and make the choices that will stand you in good stead in the long run.

Ryan

Rhoda thanks for being one of the first to read and respond to my story. I will be following yours. Together stronger. Nick

Hi Rhoda, thank you for your kind message on the 100-day challenge thread. Yes, I'm going to start going for promotions, there are a few coming up, and although the extra cash is marginal (and I'm going to save so much more by not gambling anyway) it's about the challenge. I'm really glad that you are keeping strong. And I hope in your personal life, things are as manageable as they can be. Let's keep Gambling Free, it's the only way to bloody well be. (Blimey, I'm a poet and don't I know it! 🙂

Hi Rhoda...Thanks for popping by 🙂

Mr G will certainly not be happy with our lovely purchases.... I have to admit though, I did feel a little guilty about buying it, like I didn't deserve it & really should've put the little bit extra towards my debt... only £30 but the gambling me would have talked myself into believing I could turn it into a magical jackpot win... only to regret it & hate myself all over again.... my blankie lol was a much better option 🙂

Take care, always here for support

Mari x

Thanks for the kind words love.
We're all so lucky to have this place to all support each other.
40 tomoz...well done you x