How I feel today, the start of my journey

Hi there.

Just wanted to say well done for starting your diary and explaining your story on here 👏👏.

Please read other diaries on here (read mine if you wish)! I reached my one year g.f yesterday. Yes there has been ups and downs along the way, but more ups as there was no gambling and month by month has just got better.  This can be the same for you.

If any of us think about what we have done and what we have spent and wasted on gambling, the guilt would be huge. I would say to focus more on what you are doing about stopping gambling and how this will make you feel and how this can not only benefit you but also your loved ones.  

Like me, it sounds like you have some very supportive people/family around you which is great. Well done for getting to 17 days also. That’s a great start!👏👏.

I wish you strength and determination to help you to stop giving your money to rich gambling establishments who don’t give a toss about the vulnerable gambling addict.

I wish you well.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Very brave of you to tell your story Deborah, I think you need to forgive yourself so you can become your best self again and show the people around you the love they deserve, your not a bad person, just fell foul to addiction, money comes and goes but family is forever! Focus on them and creating happy memories, nobody cares about money when they’re gone. 

you got this ❤️

Hey Deborah keep up the recovery lots of rewards if you do ❤️

Thank you for your supportive messages, its amazing to me how much support is actually here for us. So after an excruciating day and night yesterday wrapping myself in shame, I am actually feeling quite positive today, I have had a call with a gambling counsellor this morning and been provided with lots of tools to help me, which I will read through later.

And I havn't cried yet today which If I make it till bed time, will be the first day in nearly 3 weeks.

Following my call, I have decided that planning will probably work better for me to avoid boredom and try to feel a sense of control:

I get paid weekly, so I have made a to the penny financial plan for each week, I have cut up my card so i am unable to take money out and I have a contactless limit of £50 per day, once I have paid my debts I will leave myself £50 and any remaining money is going to my partner, it hurts to think you can't trust yourself, but as much as I am determined to get our lives back on track I still think i need to put and keep every barrier in place that I can.

I have waves of the guilt and shame, I didnt sleep much last night and I havn't been eating right but I feel more motivation and strength than yesterday, and as you suggested I come on here and start reading through the recovery diaries which has helped.

So my intention is to just keep plodding through the day, and then I'm going to see my mum tonight, help pass the time and I haven't seen her since I broke the news so will be nice to have a proper catch up.

I'm happy taking just another gamble free day.

Thank you again

Yesterday, another good positive day, it was payday, but still no urges, I paid everything I was supposed to and sent the rest to my partner, we already have more in the bank than we usually would, I’m looking forward to building on that moving forward. 
the guilt came again last night but only because we had such a lovely evening, a few drinks a bbq and a fire, it was lovely and simplistic, but it did hurt to think we could have done things like this all along, a few weeks ago I would have gone straight from work to gamble and spend hours on my own, returning home with a lie and a fake smile feeling empty inside because the wages would have been gone. All that time that should of been spent enjoying our simple little life, that cuts deep and makes me ashamed of what I have become.

but another day done, and a day spent with loved ones, real smiles and laughter, let’s hope today brings the same

@deborah270882 Good for you Deb 👏👏👏. I wish you well and look forward to reading your diary entries 👍.  Enjoy your time with your Mum.

Take care.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Amazing work Deborah! Keep it up. Please be patient with yourself through the feelings of guilt and shame. Addiction is a disease and completely hijacks the mind. I'm still in active addiction, and sadly I've just lost all my money. Absolutely riddled in the guilt and shame too! I'm walking with you on this. Prayers for us both ❤️

Well what can I say I have had the best weekend I've had for a long time, and havn't had to spend a penny, pottering round the house doing the garden had a good clear out, initially it was to pass the time to keep me from wanting to gamble but the urge never came, and spending quality time with my partner was the best feeling ever weather was great and for the first time in a long time I was so naturally happy, it wasn't forced it was just real, normal, as much as I don't like that word.

22 days gamble free, and stress free for now, I will take it.

Thank you for sharing how you feel Deborah.  I’ve just joined the group and didn’t know how to express my feelings here.  Your words resonated.  Today I am facing the realities of my position.  I have deceived friends and family and let them down.  I feel ashamed, embarrassed and at a loss at what to say or do.  I don’t know how I can rebuild their trust or even if I deserve their trust ever again.  I’m taking steps to hand over control of all my assets so I can not fall by the roadside.  Mentally I’m in a mess and will speak to the GP.  All advice welcome as I start to rebuild my life.

@t3ckfdqxw5 honestly, coming clean about everything was the best thing I ever did, I know I am only at early days but I promise you, if you have support and love around you those hard days will ease out.  3 weeks ago, I didn't think I would ever get passed that rock bottom feeling but here I am, still working on forgiving myself, I have been told by the counsellor, the mental health nurse family and on here that this is the hardest part, but once you admit it is an illness and a disease and not you, you will start to ease out of it.  Its not all roses I struggle to sleep still, I have waves of guilt still but I also have more moments of happiness, than I have had in years, Ive started to feel again and its pushing me to stay motivated and positive

I wanted to add today, how much I am starting to enjoy the tiniest things in life, like i mentioned yesterday didn't do much at the weekend, but the things I did do, be it cleaning and gardening made me happy.  

I used to read so much but once in active addiction it took up all my free time, when I wasn't gambling I was thinking about gambling, so I nipped into the charity shop yesterday and bought myself a couple of books.  I got through a couple of chapters last night and as I turned to go to sleep, I felt so at peace, an hours reading made me happy.

Its weird, its like you cant feel anything when active, no joy in anything you can't see the life you are ignoring and could be having, its insane. 

I think my point is other than the guilt that crops up here and there when I least expect it, I am finding such reward in the everyday, some might say mundane things, that other people may not think twice about.

Starting laying out my goals today!  Hopefully my addictive nature will adopt these!

Not a great morning for me, I'm not doing so good, I havn't gambled, still no urges, but I am really striggling with what I have done and the potential repercussions of my actions, I am not sure if I mentioned in my initial post but I was actually stealing from my employer to fund my gambling, I always put it back but it started to get too much to pay back and I was taking more and more to try to break even, because I could not repay it the guilt ate me up inside and I came forward to my employer and told them what I had done all dirty secrets laid bare, told them how much I had taken and why, I expected to leave the office that day in handcuffs, I was ready for it and prepared to face punishment, I just wanted it to be over, and if that meant going to prison, then so be it.

MY EMPLOYER did not report me to the police and they let me keep my job, I am paying them back what I owe out of my wage each week, I don't understand why they did this, they said it was because of my character, that I came forward and because I am good at my job, I am so eternally grateful no words can express the overwhelming guilt I feel though, and everyday I come to work and I try to get on with it, but it is so hard, I do not want to give up because they have given me this opportunity, but there is no trust now, they can't possibly like me anymore, and I doubt they really want me here, for the hours I am at work i sit in shame, not daring to smile or chat, every day is a full 8 hour challange, and I wonder if I am been selfish in my feelings.  There is also the fact that any day they could change their mind and report me to the police, so every day i come into work not knowing if I will have a job at the end of the day, or whether the police are going to walk through the door.

Its been 3 weeks today since I told them, and I struggle with their decision every hour I am here, I would do absolutely anything to take back what I have done, or to gain the trust and respect back that I once had, but that is never going to happen.

Every second I just want to go home

Rough day yesterday, I have honestly never experienced such a yoyo of feelings that I have this last 3 weeks, gambling really does make you numb!

However, I've woke up this morning feeling refreshed and motivated to try and work on myself for a little bit, long walk with the dog this morning, hot shower, prepped tea, and ready for the working day.

All I can do is take each day as it is comes and relish in the good ones, which I am having more of than the bad ones, I think.

They warn you about all these urges and advise on time and financial management they tell you about blocks to be put in place, however I was not prepared for the emotional rollercoaster that has been thrown at me and the immense effects it can have on your daily mental health, this is my struggle, I'm over 3 weeks gamble free and have not once experienced the urge to gamble which I am grateful for, that will be a hurdle I will have to deal with when it appears.

So here is to today. 

Stay positive