Had an appointment with the mental health nurse this morning, found it difficult, it was very emotional, she was really nice and tried explaining it is an addiction and illness and without it I wouldn’t have done the horrible things I have done, although she explained I am carrying so much shame and guilt and that I need to get passed that, I don’t think I can.
I know I can’t change the past and I know all I can do is move forward, but I am truly struggling to understand  how I could lie and steal, how I could waste all that time playing slot machines when I could have been enjoying life, it wasn’t just a couple of months, for years I have lied to everyone that loves me, everyone I care about, and yet they are the people who are been the most supportive, which just leads me straight back to feelings of shame and disgust, how could I do this to such good kind understanding people and not care, In my head yes I understand that its an addiction but surely If I was a good person, then an ounce of the goodness in me should have shone through and I should have stopped what I was doing.Â
So the guilt eats me up, for every waking moment, the shame follows me like a shadow and im not sure I will ever forgive myself, it’s like there are 2 of me right now, the one in tears; ashamed disgusted not wanting support feeling like I don’t deserve the support from any of them , and then there is the me that is relieved it’s in the open, that is so truly grateful for the people who are caring more about me than what I’ve done, the me that wants to spend every minute of every day making it up to them and hopefully once I feel like I have done that in months years however long it takes, will take my life back and be happy, because I am strong enough to get through this. Then Boom the problem I have is she shines through for a couple of hours, I smile I laugh and then the first me strikes, you shouldn’t be happy, why are you smiling, you don’t deserve to be happy and I am back in the darkness again
My struggle now the truth is out is the battle between wanting getting through this and not deserving to.
The only good thing I can take from the emotional turmoil I am in right now is that I have no urge to gamble, I haven’t thought about it, don’t want to do it, im too selfishly wrapped up in my shame.
So that’s today, day 17 since my last bet, day 13 since coming clean and day 1 of my journal.
Hi there.
Just wanted to say well done for starting your diary and explaining your story on here 👏👏.
Please read other diaries on here (read mine if you wish)! I reached my one year g.f yesterday. Yes there has been ups and downs along the way, but more ups as there was no gambling and month by month has just got better. Â This can be the same for you.
If any of us think about what we have done and what we have spent and wasted on gambling, the guilt would be huge. I would say to focus more on what you are doing about stopping gambling and how this will make you feel and how this can not only benefit you but also your loved ones. Â
Like me, it sounds like you have some very supportive people/family around you which is great. Well done for getting to 17 days also. That’s a great start!👏👏.
I wish you strength and determination to help you to stop giving your money to rich gambling establishments who don’t give a toss about the vulnerable gambling addict.
I wish you well.
Pink Lady 🩷🍎.
Very brave of you to tell your story Deborah, I think you need to forgive yourself so you can become your best self again and show the people around you the love they deserve, your not a bad person, just fell foul to addiction, money comes and goes but family is forever! Focus on them and creating happy memories, nobody cares about money when they’re gone.Â
you got this ❤️
Hey Deborah keep up the recovery lots of rewards if you do ❤️
Thank you for your supportive messages, its amazing to me how much support is actually here for us. So after an excruciating day and night yesterday wrapping myself in shame, I am actually feeling quite positive today, I have had a call with a gambling counsellor this morning and been provided with lots of tools to help me, which I will read through later.
And I havn't cried yet today which If I make it till bed time, will be the first day in nearly 3 weeks.
Following my call, I have decided that planning will probably work better for me to avoid boredom and try to feel a sense of control:
I get paid weekly, so I have made a to the penny financial plan for each week, I have cut up my card so i am unable to take money out and I have a contactless limit of £50 per day, once I have paid my debts I will leave myself £50 and any remaining money is going to my partner, it hurts to think you can't trust yourself, but as much as I am determined to get our lives back on track I still think i need to put and keep every barrier in place that I can.
I have waves of the guilt and shame, I didnt sleep much last night and I havn't been eating right but I feel more motivation and strength than yesterday, and as you suggested I come on here and start reading through the recovery diaries which has helped.
So my intention is to just keep plodding through the day, and then I'm going to see my mum tonight, help pass the time and I haven't seen her since I broke the news so will be nice to have a proper catch up.
I'm happy taking just another gamble free day.
Â
Thank you again
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