I am what I am

Oh what a night as the song goes. It’s been a lovely one. Sorry for swearing in the last post. I am just happy tonight. 

Tonight has been awesome. We have had a deliveroo, no cooking for me. Watched rocket man together in front of the fire. No urge to gamble. Just looking at my hubby and friend flat out after eating too much ice cream.  Bliss. 

s**t I am like Tigger! It has also been nice to spend time with just hubby today. He is awesome ?

Lmao have u had to much sugar murlo ?

The wonderful thing about Tiggers, is Tiggers are wonderful things. Their tops are made out of rubber, their bottoms are made out of springs. They’re bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun. But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers, is I’m the only one. IIIII’m the only one!

You’ve got that stuck in my head now ??‍♀️ 

I love that so much !! Springy bottom, that’s me ?

Hi Murlo 

I felt it was only right to pop in your diary and show my appreciation. I have just read through your recent pages and I am feeling very honoured that you spent yesterday evening checking up on me. I can genuinely say you made a real difference to my life in that moment and I will remember that forever.

You are a wonderful woman and the post from Mark above is spot on. Even when you’ve had a few rough patches recently, you make time to support everyone else and it’s very obvious you have a big heart. 

I’m hoping you are getting some much needed sleep and happy to see you’ve had a good day. You are a true diamond and really deserve it. 

 Sweet dreams. 

Lonely

Bex, 

thank you so much for your lovely post. I have had so much help and support from    everyone on here since I joined. I am just so pleased that you felt able to go home eventually and that you can begin to look forward again xx

Morning diary,

It is an absolutely beautiful morning here. Not a cloud in sky. I fancy a day out so we are heading to a wildlife park. I love spending time with animals. I can be a big kid for the day ?

Morning murlo , hope u have a lovely day , I’m going to a wildlife center to (my mums) they will be lots of monkeys (niece n nephews ) their ?, lol hope u got a few hours sleep aswell , I must remember  to make my bed today my sofa is not comfy ?

Vinnie, you are hilarious! Russ, you could be right ??

Dear diary. Gamble free today.

It has been a day of two halves. This morning we decided to head off to a wildlife park for a bit of escapism for me. I get a lot of comfort from being around animals. On our way, my counsellor texted and offered to see me today. She expressed concern about me. I know where it has come from. I decided to decline and stick to my scheduled appointment later this week. In truth, it is because I know I haven’t been doing the right things and I want a couple of days to correct that.

I got quite emotional at the wildlife park. Something I haven’t done for a while. I guess it is good to have released some things. I have undoubtedly been bottling them up. I know I have been all over the place, happy and sad in a matter of moments. It happens sometimes. I also know that I haven’t been taking care of myself, something that pops up as a flag to those who look after my well-being.

The bottom line is that I am seeing the changes in my friend. Her swallowing is becoming affected. She wants to sleep all of the time and she is having seizures more frequently. It is hard to watch and even harder to understand. It has made me question a few things I guess and opens up the old self doubt again.

So, time to plan. Plan to look after myself so I can be the best I can over the coming weeks and make sure that my vulnerability doesn’t cause me to act on things. If I am honest, I have some worries about relapsing. That is what my support is there to get me through though and I will get through it. One day at a time.

What I really want to be able to do is to see my counsellor on Thursday and tell her with confidence that I have got this. I know all of the things I need to do, I just need to get on and do them. I shall start that today.

I am waffling so I shall pause for today and take stock. All will be well ?

Murlo.. I am pleased to hear about your booked counselling.. 

There are lots of things on your agenda at the minute at its a time of prioritising.. Firstly can I say yes you need to take care of you along with your friend..

I am always delighted to see you here and know in supporting others this helps too.. 

But I would also add.. We will  always just be on pause here for you understanding you cannot give your total self at this time.. We don't want you to  relapse.. You won't I have every confidence.. But do take care.. Don't push too hard....

Boo 

Love you my friend ???

Thank you so much Boo ??

Hi Murlo

Im sorry to read it’s been a mixed day for you. You are amazing at giving support to everyone on here but please don’t forget about supporting yourself first. I think that is part of our nature from Reading a lot of diaries is we spend so much time worrying about everyone else, putting all our energy in the people around us and in the process neglect ourselves. 

You have shown great strength so far in your journey and there is huge admiration on this site for you. But please look after yourself and your own needs. One thing this addiction is very good at is messing with our emotions at the flick of a switch taking us on lots of lows and highs. Just as you have shown me so much support, I hope I can support you in return and that we can get through the highs and lows together. 

Sending love and hugs

Lonely