I can do this!

So today I have learnt I need to keep busy! Once out the house I was absolutely fine, seeing my friend was good too, need to do that more now.

Im not sure how I can change my daily routine too much because I work from home alone, and that seemed to trigger irrational thoughts this morning, but getting out stopped it, so maybe for the time being I need to allow myself the flexibility of dropping everything if I get bad thoughts and get out, hopefully as time goes on I can learn to cope better alone, one day at a time thou and for today...this is what worked. Feeling happier ! Text my partner too to try and explain the thoughts and feelings, his reply was good, he said he's there when ever I need him and were in this together.

I did think about directing him here to the family section, but I'm not sure I want him to find my diary, I think I want to keep that to myself for now...I feel free to say what I want which is helping, and if he could see it I don't know how I would feel, maybe further down my journey would be good, but I think I may refer him to a different site for some reading, if he reads others stories he maybe able to comprehend a bit more, although he is trying more than I could have ever hoped for so unlike this morning I can't grumble! But it might help him to find others who's partners it has effected, he says he hasn't, but he must have some feelings about it that he doesn't want too tell me, in fact I'm sure he has! If the shoe was on the other foot I know I wouldn't deal with it so well...!

I don't think our other halves can ever really fully understand how it feels, but they do their best to try to put themselves in our shoes. Men often want to fix things when there's a problem, so they'll happily put on the blockers and deal with the money but dealing with the emotions can be a bit harder for them (well, it is for my OH anyway). I also know that I wasn't fully honest with him about just how bad the gambling made me feel or just how tight a hold it had on me.He knew it was bad and he knew about the money, but I just couldn't bring myself to describe totally the sheer madness of it all or the full amount of time and sneakiness that went into it. It was because I was ashamed of it and I thought it would change his opinion of me. I thought of myself as a low life for getting into such a mess...if I told him the full unadultererated horror of it he might think I was a low life too. I don't know whether anything like that is true for you. It's good that he knows and it's great that he's supporting you. I can understand why you don't want him on this site though. It's a safe place for you to share your feelings and vent when needed and you don't want to compromise that.

Rest assured you won't have to change your daily routines for ever and the rest of your life won't be spent hiding out at friend's houses drinking tea (if only!!). This is the worst of it and it will get better. Finding ways to avoid temptation and strategies for dealing with the urges is all good. GT has a thread on the overcoming problem gambling page on tips for keeping busy. Spending times with friends and reconnecting with people can only work in your favour as I'm guessing more of your time has been spent with a computer than a person of late. But no more...you're doing well.

Hold on when the ride gets rough and soon you'll be enjoying the smoother times ahead. And you'll be hugging those boys tighter now that you're fully back with them 🙂

Keep going.

LifeBegins x

Hey first of you you are doing great, well done again on getting through the first week and telling your OH, listen my OH dies not get how it affected me mentally and emotionally and ofcourse physically, yes ofcourse it affected him, but our OHs don't understand unless they probably dig deep like lots of folks with guts on here do. (Mainly females I am sad to say) I would guess your OH wants to fix the money side quick, and stop you worrying, because he loves you, and thinks all the blocks in place are enough, to make us happy again, My OH has read all of my diary as far as I know, definitely the first few months (ouch) yes because I forgot how hard it is to read back on, because I don't understand myself yet , any ways he has always and still does call my diary and this forum my bible, he has no problem with me being on here,he knows this wonderful place is my outlet;)).

I can relate to all of your feelings, my main days started on a Monday with so more optimism, but after the Mondsy, I sadly chased for the rest of the week.

You will feel sooo positive tomorrow morning, simply because you have got Mondsy under your belt today.

It really is small steps forwards and one day st a time, and holding on very tight, because these thoughts do pass so quickly, Infact our moods and thoughts change like the wind/weather, your OH is doing great and so are you,

You may be walking on broken glass at the moment, but you can walk through it.unscathed and you have today, be proud of yourself when he comes home, (even if he doesn't understand your thoughts deep inside)

but you will more and more as each day passes. X

Well done girl.

Suzanne xxx

Hi AER, just caught up with your diary and WOW what a great decision you made to tell your partner, well done! I'm in a similar position to you as I feel my husband had taken it all so well and I, like you, feel I need to be punished. But, lets look at it from their perspective: the woman they love more than anything has shown she is not the strong reliable woman they thought she was, they now see our vulnerable side and I think they want to protect us. Maybe our men feel like shouting 'ya f*****g idiot, look what you've done' (which we deserve/kinda want to hear) but, they want to fix it/us more than anything.

The first time I told my husband of my gambling and debt he said 'just get a loan and I'll sign for it and promise me you'll never do it again' and never spoke of it again. This is the second time I have had to admit my deception and I told him that it is completely my mistake and he should not feel responsible but why did he never mention it again? He said he thought I had made a mistake and didn't want to 'rub my nose in it'. This time however, he is in charge of cards and if I want to buy somethung online I need to ask him.

So, unlike me, you're making a better go of it your first time as you have the barriers in place. Things will get better. Take care xx

Wow, what a crazy 24 or so hours you have had...All gamble free I might add 🙂

And I doff my invisible hat to you today for not just crawling back under the duvet & shaking the day away as I did! My OH dips in & out of this site with me as a sense of duty (usually co-incides with me reminding him I'm a devious cow) but I see him glazing over as he really has no desire to understand & that is his choice. It maybe at this stage that you want your partner to take an interest to protect you but you have to do this for yourself & you can! Don't be too disappointed that he is not punishing you...I'm pretty sure that you are doing enough of that for your whole family! Don't give Mr Gamble the upper hand by letting his lies make recovery seem like the pooey end of the stick, it really isn't!

It won't come naturally but be kind to you & it will get easier - ODAAT

Day 9!!! Double figures tommorrow!

Chatted lots with my partner last night, I had forgotten to include my phone bill in my figures...he asked how could my phone bill be in the hundreds...shocked that yes you can charge it to your bill...although blocks are in place, calling phone company and setting a limit ! Also note to self...making jokes that at least the phone bill is interest free...isn't actually funny yet...or maybe ever :-/

he bought me flowers home too last night, insisting he holds no judgement against me, I seriously am a lucky lady! We were watching TV last night and something about dog racing nights out was said...he said 'oh that' and stopped...took me a minute to get out of him what he was going to say, turns out he was going to say 'oh that would be a good night out' he apologised a lot...poor bloke, I told him not too apolgise, he also told me he had checked his lottery ticket too and won £25 but didn't want to tell me either. He's on egg shells, and I hate I have done that.

Little ones appointment didn't go great yesterday either, results came back that he's being registered as visually impaired, good that now he's going to get extra help, but he has so many other side effects of his condition it's just another thing he has to overcome. I'm not sure stress was a trigger of mine, but I'm pretty sure my dark side pretended it was and would have found an excuse to spin a bit more because if it, instead I'm using as a reason for me to battle on even more now, my boys need me, and need me strong! I can do this!!

This morning my oh stayed home, I'm pretty sure it was to look after/be with me, not that he admitted that! But it certainly made this morning much easier! Being on my own is not my favourite right now!

He's gone out now and I had a small gap between now and school run so came here! You all know exactally how it feels and I feel safe, and understood. Thank you all for commenting on my diary, it really really is helping me, and helping me understand things.

Still feel I want to gamble today..., if I could I would, and that feels really rubbish to say that! But I have to be honest, I don't want to look back and think, well that was easy! Because it's not, the dark sides force is strong...but not as strong as me I doubt 🙂

Pleased to read you are getting a lot support from your OH,

Don't get distracted by his unconditional support, the addiction won't just disappear, just keep going one day st a time, for you and your OH, you both deserve so much more.

Suzanne xxx

Morning!

day 10 🙂 double figures!!! Feeling super positive today, my guard is up and I won't get complacent, but had a bit of luck with work and managed to secure some good stock for this week, really happy about that. Normally I would have no money for stock...but not gambling means I can buy it, it leaves us without a pot to you know in! But turn around will be quick hopefully so got to spend it to make it! We have everything we need to get through the week so things are looking up. Everything else due this week has been paid by oh, and cleared him out, but he said he's ok...feel terrible thou! But he said were in this together. By May all the high interest stuff should be gone, then I can focus on the money for my sister, I'm paying monthly but hoping to start paying extra in May to get rid of it before the 22 months left on it, then that leaves 2 credit cards, again hopefully I can up the payments after May!

Arranged to go to my mums for lunch today too, break up my day a bit, less time on my own means less time to dwell on what I have done.

Got a piece of post yesterday, I have never received post from a gambling site, it was offering free stuff etc, I opened it and felt sick, ripped it up and put it in the bin, but it bugged me!! So like a crazy person I picked all the pieces out...popped it in water...stirred it around and put it in the outside bin, I can't read the bonus codes even if I wanted too now...sounds crackers doesn't it!! The extreme I felt I needed to go to just to get rid of a piece of paper! I'm hoping one day I will look back and chuckle at myself! But the flipping thing really bugged me, my head was saying 'hey you have Sellotape you know, and your pretty good at puzzles!' What on earth ! The thought process is stupid! And irrational! Even if I had the codes, I can't use them because I'm blocked anyway, but I guess the dark side wanted to make a cunning plan how to use it, haha good luck dark side, it's like paper mГўchГ© in the bin!

Today I shall not gamble, today the dark side shall not win.

Thank you everyone who has commented on my diary, I'm so grateful for your help and advice so far, hopefully soon I will feel good enough to share my experience and 'success' and give back to so many others on here xxx

Morning Half-Life 🙂

It was from a site I had never heard of, I have put my details into so many sites (thinking about it that's mad too! Happily giving away all personal details incl address's and bank cards to god knows who!) I don't think I have ever read any terms and conditions either so they more than likely have the right to sell my details on to whoever they want! I'm not blaming them, it's my own fault, but it's not until the fog starts to lift that we realise I our stupidity ! Luckily I have realised mine...and intend to never give my details out like that again! Any more post will be dealt with in the same manner 🙂

Hi there , just picked up on your comment to Salamander and got caught up looking through your diary , Wow great read !.

What made me stop and take a look was as I say the post to Salamander ,sometimes on here you notice especially in the early post's, if a person has got it ? , if they *** the whole concept of what they need to do to stay gamble free , the blocks the limiting funds and above all else the honesty !.

Am pleased to report that you passed with flying colors ( yeah, mini fist pump ) youv'e done everything you needed to do and more and I'm sure you'll do well in recovery .

Have been through many of the feeling's you spoke of over the last few months and can assure you that it does get easier ,

acceptance is tthe key ! Of what weve done and of what we've lost , I found once I'd accepted I'd made mistakes ,( I'm only human after all) and that I was going to let go of the money I'd lossed it was fine , I just wasn't going to chase it anymore !

The other thing I relate to is your work ethic of wanting to focus back on your business , I' d really taken my eye of the ball for quite some time but once I re engaged with it and worked a little harder I was able to bild it back up in quite a short time , it's amazing how much of our time we devoted gto gambling !.

Any way just popped by to wish you well and I apologise for not introducing myself sooner !

Have a great day and keep posting !

Best wishes .......................Alan

Ps Why would they censor the word G*R*A*S*P ? Honestly !

AER, well done you! Great news about getting back on track with your business. You also did well destroying the devilis work! These companies are vultures who feed off the vulnerable, stay strong and move on; our gambling days are over xx

Thank you Annie and Alan for commenting, it's awesome knowing people are out there helping and supporting!

This morning I have been busy working, the stupid urges are still there, I'm finding myself having random conversations with myself, good versus bad, goods winning but I guess that's because bad doesn't stand a chance as all avenues are blocked! Thank goodness for the barriers in place otherwise I would have caved, there is no doubt in my mind I want to quit and I am, but under estimated the force of the addiction, even thou I know everything I have done has been humiliating and degrading, the lying and the moods, all of it completely irrational and wrong, but my head can still manage to convince me for a second that gambling is ok, it's not! So why can my head still make up lies to cover the truth? Come on I can do this!!!

I have been thinking about telling my sister, she took out a loan in November for me and paid everything when I told her that I had had a gambling problem but I was over it, although now I know I lied to her, at the time I honestly believed in my head I was going to quit when everything was straight, I didn't realise the depth of my problem and made a half ar**d attempt at stopping, blocked a few sites and paid everything off , but it didn't last a day as I told myself just the odd 10 here and there would be ok and cause no harm...I'm sure you all know that feeling! So my problem is do I tell her that I actually continued? Doubled the problem, and got In fact worse? Telling my oh has made a huge difference and the support is great, and I couldn't do this without him, I know my sister will be sad, so do I tell her? Is it selfish to tell her to I guess ultimately try and make myself feel better? That's how I'm thinking! On the flip side I don't want loads of lies still out there...I have tried to weigh up the pros and cons, and I gain something out of telling her, but she doesn't...does she? Is it best not to tell her and leave her to think she did the right thing and helped me out and all was happy ever after? Writing this down is good....it's helping make my mind up, and I think it's best left, but would be interested to see what others think!

Today I will not gamble... Saying that makes me feel like a fraud today...because it's because I can't and it's making me feel like I'm not fully in recovery...that it's not because of pure will power and strength, like I'm just clocking up the gamble free days by default....feeling odd today :-/

It's a rollercoaster for sure! The recovery stance is get it all out there. Addiction thrives on secrecy & so stands to reason that having no secrets makes it far less powerful. The thing that stood out for me was you feeling it would lighten your load & under those circumstances alone, I would say go for it! In order to start feeling better, we have to learn how to be kind to us & if that means being a bit selfish then so be it. She may be sad & a little bit disappointed but she won't be anywhere near as disappointed with you are you are in yourself so better the truth & honesty restored between you...I'm sure she'd take a bit of disappointment to get that back? I'm sure it's part of the 12 steps stuff too, getting it out will allow you to start the process of making amends!

Try not to be too impatient with your journey, you're on it for life now & what matters @ the moment is that you have been abstaining for 11 days 🙂 There is a difference between recovery & abstaining but looks like you've realised that already (took me yonks) & so tipu tapu (as my sister from another mother & father & indeed country would say - roughly translates to baby steps)! I used to feel like I had an Angel & a Devil on my shoulders...I swear one day, the Angel flew right round to the other side & happy slapped that little red thing into submission & I've never looked back! Duncs has a far better analogy but with over 4000 posts on his diary, I wouldn't know where to start looking so you'll have to make do with mine!

All these crazy thoughts you are having are perfectly normal...It's addiction trying hard to hang onto you. Well Mr Gamble, I have news for you, looks like your harem just got a little (o*g, how do I write this without calling you large), smaller (I can't)!

We don't clock up gamble free days by default...We get them by having the strength to have slammed those doors shut in the 1st place. If you feel strong enough for a bit more, then pick up the phone & arrange some counselling, have a look for a GA meeting, go online & see if there's any 'therapy' that appeals but if not, just be proud that for 11 days you have chosen to win - ODAAT

Odaat thank you for making me laugh when I wanted to cry! Seriously humour helps 🙂

My angel needs to slap my devil too, hopefully so hard he can't get up ! He's a t*****t..!

Yeah I'm still not sure with my sister, I don't want to cause her pain for my sake. Although I know she would want to know, but it's like anything, sometimes what we don't know doesn't hurt us, I'm on the rocky road to recovery now, I'm just not sure what to do! We used to spend loads of time together, since November I have hidden a bit from her, spoken on the phone but not actually been out with her (to be fair a lot of that was not wanting to spend money that I thought I needed for elsewhere!) I need to reconnect with her I think, spend some time with her, I miss her, she's very funny and we have always got each other, were a huge family but she is the only one that knows every single thing about me, I trust her completely and she is open minded and although a bit judgemental, it's only in a good way because she cares. I think I need to see her and see how it goes.

Good way to look at it...I wanted the blocks in place so I couldn't gamble, so therefor it's not by default...it's because I wanted this path.

Rollercoster of emotions!!!! My addiction of drugs when I was younger was not really dealt with correctly I don't think, I ran to another country, and cut all ties then came home a grown up, although I beat it, it wasn't will power...but its what worked for me and I haven't touched a drug since, Oohhh addictions are rubbish!!!! How can I be 32 and had 2 hardcore addictions to beat!!! Idiot springs to mind!!! I will get there thou, in fact I'm getting there already 🙂