I can do this!

Hiya , Just to add , if I can add to Odaat's wonderfull last post , ( oh, how I wish I could write like that , I must have been away on the day they did stringing sentences together lessons at school), don't feel like a fraud at all. You said It's because you can't but the reason you can't is because you still chose not to ! , you have your blocks in place sure but they could all be got around if you chose too !.

I strangely enough posted only yesterday how I felt a fraud for not struggling with recovery after only 4 months gamble free and I'm sure I should be getting some urges still but apparently not ?.

Anyway I still don't think either of us has need to call in the gambling recovery fraud unit just yet !!

Take care Alan

You've not lived til the laughter & the tears become 1 snotty mess! You know what to do, get round your Sister's with a bottle of something/takeaway coffees (heavens forbid I turn you to drink) & get to work celebrating 'National Hug Day' 🙂 We lose ourselves in the fog of addiction but we're all humans & laughter is so often the best medecine!

It's not exactly my specialist subject but not 'dealing' with the 1st one is the more likely reason for picking up a second as I suspect that someone with their own business & a family is about as far from an idiot as one could get!

Getting there is progress & I don't know who this one comes from but it's 'progress not perfection' we aim for - ODAAT

Morning!

This site is brilliant for working through my emotions and trying to make sense of them!

Dreamt of gambling last night again, it woke me up and I was sweating and sad, it kept me awake, so not a great nights sleep! I was telling myself I felt sad, but would be feeling far sadder if I was still gambling, and I know that's true! Just got to get a grip of these thoughts!

Today I have 2 stock collections, London and Portsmouth, a few weeks ago I would have already spent the money that we have put a side for today and I wouldn't be going! So that's progress, big progress, I chose to hand over my bank card therefor I chose not to gamble it...therefor I'm winning 🙂 just got to drum this in and stop feeling like a fraud! I chose this path! I want this path!

I will have cash on me today for the stock as I'm going on my own, luckily have no interest in the betting shops so that's good eh! Not an issue, but no cards makes me panic, being several hours away from home with no emergency cash (I'm only taking stock money and car has fuel) and a spare £10 just incase, if I need to stop for a wee (sorry!) I need to avoid the big service stations...I know it sounds silly, but I'm planning a head! I don't wish to walk past a room of flashing lights! If I have to ( 2 children sometimes takes it's toll on ones bladder and when you need to go you need to go hahahaha) I will run in and out and remind myself those people in there are NOT HAPPY!!

Today I will not gamble...12 days, today!! Come on nearly 2 weeks!!! I can do this!!!!!

Well done on 12 days, of winning :))

Have a good,and safe gambling free day,

Suzanne xx

Morning diary!

Yesterday was annoying! Was almost at my London collection and they phoned and cancelled on me, they were offered more money by someone, and I couldn't match it and didn't want to match it as profit margin would have been too tight, I burst into tears! Stupid emotions! Called oh and he was great, but spent my journey on the m3 sniffing and teary, I had the cash on me too obviously, but pleased to report it all came back with me ! No motorway stops! And just managed to secure another stock collect today in Essex, so onwards and upwards!

Yesterday left me feeling even more annoyed with myself, I'm in this position finically because of my addiction, yesterday I thought I was on my way to getting things underway and moving my buissness in the right direction and it felt like a blow, it wasn't even a major problem to be honest, and normally would have felt like a small annoyance but it felt like the end of the world yesterday! By last night I had settled and put things into perspective and calmed down. It's that Rollercoster again thou!

Last night watched TV, new series called lucky man...I actually felt uncomfortable watching it (you know that feeling you got when something a bit naughty came on TV when your watching with your mum and dad!) it was like that but with oh sat next to me, he sat in silence so I guess he wasn't sure what to say!...shouldn't have watched it to be fair as the main character has a gambling problem, but I could relate to him, and felt pity for him! So that's a good thing, it's obv not real, but the situation is real for millions of us.

Today is going to be a good day, I'm working this morning and my boys are playing nicely, collection later and a normal night in front of rubbish Saturday night TV. Saturday nights used to mean something different, I had this wierd illusion that as more people were playing, there was more chance of winning....one of my many stupid thoughts on how these things might have worked.

Today will be gamble free and I'm feeling happy 🙂

Hiya , Can totally relate to all those minor molehills turning into mountains in the early day's , it just seemed that if it could go wrong it would . Thinking back it would all have happened anyway so the fact that I'd just given up gambling really made no difference but because of my fragile state it seemed like it was the Devil's work ?.

Still happens now occasionally but I can see it it for what it really is , deep breaths and carry on regardless !!

Stay positive your doing great !

Have a good weekend ..................................Alan

Morning diary!! 14 whole days....2 weeks yippee!!!

So far not an easy ride, but I honestly can say hand on heart I'm feeling amazing compared to 14 days ago, the road ahead is long, I'm under no illusion that I'm fixed, but the repair has well and truly started 🙂

I have a conversation with my sister but she was at work so it was only 15 mins, and not an appropriate time to bring up my dirty secrets, but it was good to talk and laugh with her, were going to meet this week and I'm ready to tell her, ohh she's going to be sad 🙁 but I need too tell her, and at least my oh now knows this time round she has someone to talk to herself about it, instead of being sworn to secrecy...that really wasn't fair on her, and I hadn't thought of the pressure I had put her under, she did say at the time you should tell oh, but I said I was sorted and didn't want him knowing. Of course my horrid addiction didn't want him to know! It's out there now thou, and she can confide in him if she needs too, I don't mind them discussing it either, although it's discussing my dirty secret, which isnt nice, it will be nice to know their burden is shared.

Onwards and upwards! Today I have some work to do and some time to spend with my little people!! Happy Sunday all!!

Well done you on 2 weeks of winning, the first 2 weeks can be tough, but you have come through shining:)))

Keep going and keep winning for real.

Suzanne xxx

Big congrats on 2 weeks gamble free , like Suzanne said " they can be the real toughie's" but your a shining example of whats needed to embrace recovery , be very proud of what youv'e already achieved in a short space of time !

Best wishes and have a great Sunday !!

Alan

Well done be very proud of yourself

Hi day 17!

I have had such a busy couple of days with work, I actually have felt normal Yey ! Of course the odd thought has popped into my head but nothing that lasted long or made me sad. Even got an email from a site I'm self excluded from with some survey asking about my last experience on their site, I resisted the temptation to email them some harsh words regarding self exclusion, but opted to politely remind them I'm excluded and that included random surveys, I know it's not much! But it meant a little something to me, because I didn't feel like it sparked any urges, just felt nice to tell them to go away 🙂

Feeling postive (not letting my guard down thou!) and life is swimming in the right direction, money is a struggle, how we CGs find the money that we do is beyond me! I must have pulled it from a magicians hat!

My fog has lifted, I feel proud of myself, but I feel sad for CGs that are still stuck in the cycle, if anyone still stuck is reading this, honestly you can beat it! I know I'm not far in my journey but I already feel like the old me, if you take the leap and put your blocks in place it's totally doable!!! And my best bit of advice is tell someone close, it honestly was my turning point 🙂

I hope you all have a great gamble free day!! X

Well done on your journey so far, you are doing brilliantly! It's hard to imagine how life can change in a matter of 2 weeks, but it has. You have embraced your recovery honestly and openly and that is how you will succeed. Onwards and upwards - the only way to go.

Take care AER xx

Oh dear diary....4 months on...how I wish I had stayed on my path...I should not dwell, I should not be sad, I should just except what's done is done, but God I am pi**ed with myself! I had a great start, too good, I had barriers in place, I earned trust...and then I abused my trust, thought I was clever and managed too get the lot removed and hey presto back too square one! Oh manipulative doesn't even come close to describing me, absolute liar I am! I can blame the addiction, it's not me who's the liar, it's the addiction ! But nope! I am a liar because of my addiction, and although I didn't slip too far, far enough too undo my good work with debts, and run some cards back up, order a new one too and Max it out in 2 days! But here we go again....tail between my legs, I'm back. Fresh start! Day 1! No cards....all handed over, partner re told....blocks everywhere! I can do this! Not said with quite as much confidence as first time round, but I have too do this

Hi AER,

Sorry to hear about your struggles. Well done for coming back and getting it all out. Blocks are really necessary and I'm glad to see you're doing the right things to stop you repeating same mistakes.

Wish you well, don't beat yourself up..learn from it and move on.

You can do it!
One day at a time

Sandra

Thanks both! Yep, learn from my mistakes! I know where my barriers went wrong, I am a bloody good liar! Simple! My poor other half, too be told question everything and trust nothing I think must be too much too handle, it's made me think, who wants too be with someone they have too babysit, it's ridiculous. He's been great again, but I have put him in such a rubbish position and dislike my self for it, but this has too be the last time, and I must and have too get through this. Thank you again X