I have spent all my money on online gambling today. It is not the first time. This has been going on for 12 years now. I have went long periods of time not gambling and then I have a blow out. The blow outs come when I am particularly stressed and need escape. This screwed up escape works for me temporarily and then I come to.
In the past this has totally devasted me, now the effect is just numbness. Almost like an acceptance, hey ho I have screwed up again. A stark contrast to the days when I would feel sick, be riddled with guilt, not sleep, worry etc.
I'm just so dam tired of this absolute crock of c**P I put myself through. I know I am a compulsive gambler, I know I cannot control my spending when in the throes of spinning slots like a demon. I know I cannot win because I cannot stop. But yet I go online thinking I will win big, I can and I do, and then lose it all. I have had times I could just make life sweet, cash in, few grand.
But No, the greed kicks in, the need for the high, the need for zoning out, the curiosity of what it feels like to get even more, then when losing the need for the loss quickly so I cant do it anymore. It is insane.
I used to say how good I was with money, sensible etc. That person no longer exists.
I have had a few rock bottoms, I have climbed up, but I have never reached a stage in my life of any sort of completion. I still have debts from 12 years ago. I have not really moved on. I have never had the feeling of freedom (well as much as you can do with addiction) I have never transformed my life. I know others have.
I fail at life really.
The thing is, I have it in me to be successful. And I self sabotage all the bloody time.
I need to stop.
Hi Tara, have you signed up to GAMSTOP, you should defiantly look into it if you haven’t already. You have proven to yourself that you can take long periods of time without gambling, you say you are most prone to gambling when you are stressed, is this due to work or something else? Can it be identified earlier before you go on these blow outs. Best of luck in your recovery let’s fight this horrible addiction together.
Hi Tara,
Sorry to hear of your story. I think I can totally agree with you and what you say echoes exactly how I felt, greed takes over and somehow I ended up thinking on each gambling stint that ‘this time is my time’ and I will win it all back.
I’m currently 77 days GF and I honestly think this wouldn’t be possible without setting up GamStop. For me, willpower alone would never have been enough so it really helped to take the option of gambling away. I’d definitely recommend it to help your progress.
Also I know it’s easier said than done but please don’t think you’ve failed at life, this is just another turn and you can make it. You will never lose by quitting gambling. Does anyone close to you know of the troubles you’ve had over the past 12 years? I felt so lonely and isolated, even just by telling one person made a world of difference.
Wishing you the best.
Sjr
Hi Sjr, I was looking for your diary to post to you so hope you get this, thank you for your advice. Two family members and a friend know I have a problem but they think I'm on top of it now. I honestly think they would be disgusted to know I am still gambling. So in a sense I am going it alone. Congratulations on 77 days, my longest is a year and a half. This I want to change! Best wishes in your recovery!
Day 1 completed. I like to count. Some would say it's not good to count the days. For a backslide can be perceived as all those days lost and starting again. It feels devastating. But those days arn't lost. I don't intend to backslide. I will count every single day. I'm into day 2.
I asked a friend for a loan she has said yes without hesitation. She does not know about my gambling. Only three people do and they all think I'm on top of it. I'm not going to let them know any different. I could not cope with that. The shame.
This is the time I will crack this. I have had enough.
I have identified the stressors that triggers me. I will do something about it.
Day 2
I don't intend to gamble today. I have a blocks in place now. Although the reality for me is, if I wanted to gamble I would find a way round it. So for me, it is willpower plus the choices I make. I do remember when I was gambling solidly everyday when it came to abstinence, it was painful. Everyday was like walking through treacle with constant urges.
I am going to change my life. I can no longer go on like this. My health is poor. I am not getting any younger. I want to feel at ease. I want to feel proud of myself. My life is not bad on the face of things. It's how I feel about myself is bad. The gambling + debt makes me feel like I am in a prison. But I have kept myself here, it's down to me. Years ago I was way too hard on myself, and I analyzed why I gambled, I began to understand alot about myself. Past traumas, unresolved issues etc etc came to the forefront. I worked through it. Was a bit more kinder to myself.
But now!!!I know full well there are any amount of other ways to deal with stress and I can escape into more healthy pursuits...I chose to gamble. Theses days I can't feel sorry for myself at all!
Todays plan is to put on some good tunes and clean the whole house! That will keep me out of trouble.
Hi Tara,
Thanks for your support and keep sharing your progress! 2 days is the beginning of a new start, we can do this and well done so far.
You’ve been fantastic to reach 1.5 years before, you can definitely do it again plus more. At the moment it’s only something I can aspire to but counting and taking it day by day is exactly what keeps me going too.
For me, it helps to look for a new high, Ive tried Reading/new ways to keep me distracted and relax me when I’m stressed. I also just dive straight in to work so at the moment I barely have any time to even think about having a gamble. I hope you’re not too high from the fumes of cleaning products today though haha 🙂
Keep in touch and all the best,
Sjr
Hi Sjr
Thank you. I agree about looking for new highs, cleaning is not one of them though ha ha. Hope you have a lovely Sunday!
The start of day 3.
Woke up at 4 this morning and took a drive out. Jumpin Jack Flash was blasting on the radio and that has started the day nicely. I plan to have another productive day like yesterday. It does require a great push because of my health problems. I hope to resolve them all. My fitness levels have plummeted. I can't seek employment right now either. I think what has happened is my gambling blow outs happen after a period of accumulative stress. I need to be mindful. Coming here will keep me in check. I need somewhere to offload. I need here.
There is so much good can happen if I make the right choices. I do not want to gamble again. I despise it. I despise the control it has over me. How I get transfixed to a screen and that the adrenaline rushes makes me feel normal. That when I'm on a winning streak I feel settled. That bombs could be going off around me and I would not notice because I'm in the zone. And when I am losing the agitation & anxiety propelling me onto wrecklessness and desperate wild bets. How selfish I become. How lazy I become. Time and money wasted. Time you can never get back.
There would have been a time that I wished I could be just a normal gambler, have a flutter now and again. I actually tried to achieve that nonsense. Controlled betting. What a waste of time that was. It was just the addict in me trying to find a way.
Now I don't want to. I accept what I am. I don't yearn to be a normal gambler, because its all a crock of c**P and not how I want to spend my time.
I don't have the urge to gamble today. I will keep it this way.
I am only at day 4 myself, the first few weeks are going to be the hardest! Keep going Tara, you are doing great xx
Hey Tara,
Saw your post on NTs diary about your previous username, think you also helped me a great deal way back when. Good to see you back, keep fighting!
Paulds
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