I was doing so well - but a drunken Christmas night out and making it to the end of the month with just enough of my overdraft left to pay the bills had me back on-line as a 'well done to me for making it this far'!!!!! I didn't know I could be so ingenious in finding ways round all the blocks and things in place. I feel so ashamed. I still haven't told anyone but I think I have to now I can't fight this alone. I feel dreadful and am now in so much debt - £70,000...... its such a huge number and racked up in just over a year and I think I've got a problem I can control, I can't. - just think what I could have done with that and not just for me but for the family. I am very, very fortunate that I have a good job (although how long I can keep on top of that feeling like this I don't know) and that with some juggling I should be able to sort out the debt. BUT I can't add to it anymore, I was so shocked to find that the chickens really are coming home to roost - my credit rating has gone through the floor (but of course it would with so much debt). So I'm off to bed and going to try again new year.......... I hope others of you are managing to be a lot more successful than me.
Hi T2
Tomorrow is a new day, a new start. With the right blocks and support you can do this.
Believe you can and you will.
Good luck and be proud of yourself!
You can achieve whatever you want T2c as you deserve a better life. Good luck on your journey.
Wilsy
What are you going to do differently? It’s your actions that will change your situation, not your intention.
CW
well that's one night without staying up until 4 in the morning chasing losses - still woke up feeling sad and ashamed and worried for the future but also feeling strong. Making a plan for the next few days. If I can get through the weekend I'll feel so good. Am trying to focus on something else - the main one being how do I work out how to have a good Christmas with the family on the tiniest budget ever.
Yes, very good point on actions - and I think this is what's different this time. I've taken away all means of gambling - blockers, proper exclusions not just time outs (and been very honest in my response to the why do you want to do this) no access to credit. I've also recently undergone an intensive and quite long course offered at work on Mental Health First Aid - it was gruelling but very interesting and eye opening and I got an insight into some of the issues that may be driving my behaviour and what triggered it in the first place some 6 years ago. I'm not underestimating the length of the road and the difficulty but I just feel different this time. Strong enough to put the practical things in place. I've also started taking exercise again and have organised some time with friends. As I say am aiming to take it one step at a time and the thought of relapsing again makes me feel sick so am holding onto that thought. I find this site inspiring and appalling in equal measures - how can this gambling industry not be under much greater scrutiny when everyone knows that the vast majority of its profits come from people with problems not with people having fun and everything it does is about working out to get people to gamble for longer and with more money. I got taken in by these 'Big Bet' games - I cannot imagine a time in my 'real' life when I would hand over £20, £30 or even £50 for five spins of a wheel!! All the best wishes to everyone on this journey...
I came home from going to see my sister last night and tried really, really hard to find a site I could log on to and gamble on - appalled at that - but pleased to say that I failed all of the blocking things I put in place worked. Mind you don't know what I would have done if I had got on one - spent the mortgage money?!?! Shows me that my will isn't that strong so blockers are good but think I have to do more active things to get over this. Weekend coming up always tough....
So got through Friday - but it was ok, I shocked myself Thursday night with how hard I tried to find a site to gamble on - thank goodness for the blockers. I read a post from a few years ago from a person who talked about that to gamble you need time, money and somewhere to gamble so take away any one of those then it can't be done. Time is the hardest to take away for me as I have been known to sit up all night, money has gone for now but there'll be another pay day so know will be vulnerable then but I can take control of place to gamble especially as everything I do is on-line, cannot imagine going into a shop and whenever I've been in a casino (really rarely on holiday with other people) its been no problem at all, its having other people there and its very easy not to go. So I need to make sure the blockers are secure while I work through other coping strategies. Proud to see that 4 coming up - its a small number but a significant one. I'll be even prouder if I can come on tomorrow and say the same.
Hi T2c
Glad to hear the blocks worked - that is what they are there for.
Obviously you want to get to point where you don't get such strong urges but as an interim solution they seem to be working.
Well done, keep it up, don't let the evil gambling industry win.
Muststop123
Thanks, yes I don't want such strong urges, I'd like to get to the stage where I don't think about it at, but figuring that might be a way away. Danger day today as at a bit of a loose end so about to go out for a walk. hope you're doing ok too
I'm about to go to bed so tomorrow would be on day 6....a while since I've made that. But once again I tried (not hard, just a little bit) to test the blocking stuff on laptop and phone....it was ok though it held fast and I gave up really quickly feeling relieved. This is going to be tough though, but this will be the first weekend that I haven't gambled for years so a small step but one to be proud of I guess.
Day 8 - goodness time flies. It's been ok I need to be honest I found a device and a site I hadn't blocked and bet ВЈ10 I had put a deposit limit on thank goodness. I've now got rid of that one too. I know it means I haven't strictly been gamble free for 8 days but for.once I'm going to give myself a break say well done for sticking to the £10 and closing the account. Wake up call though I'm not safe near opportunity so just blocking is not going to work I need to get to root cause. I'm finding mindfulness very helpful.
Coming to the end if say 9 and no more lapses and no more trying to find a way around my blocks so feel quite good. Nervy in case I go backwards and not blind to the fact I've got tougher times ahead. Day 10 tomorrow - first time I'll be gamble free (well bar the £10) for about 3 years, so so need to mark it. It won't be with anything expensive though as no money so maybe it will be something like a chocolate bar or something but something.
So day 11 and another weekend starting - IF I get through this one it will be the first time in 6 years (since I started online gambling) that I would have managed that - so it would be a massive milestone - I know I will feel good if I can make it so need to be strong. The reason I'm struggling a little is that when I started this horrible thing is that it was always a treat for me at the weekend - this obvoulsy spiralled downwards into something I did when I was happy, felt I deserved a treat, if I was sad, if I was bored, if I was lonley....need I go on. Basically anytime with any justification. But the thing that never went away was the feeling of despair and shame on a loss. So I am focussing on those feelings and that I needn't feel them again if i keep strong. On the practical side, I don't now have a device I can play on and I have blocked myself from any site I can think of including the one I had the £10 lapse on early in the week. I've made plans for each day and I have visitors next weekend so will busy myself cleaning. I'm working through the budget Christmas shopping but need now to wait for payday (another two weeks) before I can do the rest.
Hi T2c
WHEN you get through this weekend you are going to feel great. Keep busy and get that house extra tidy!
Muststop123
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