I have to stop....now!

Hi there,

Welcome to this site and well done for admiting you have a problem. As Julie said, we all have been there..day 1 is only the start of the journey. Plenty of advice here, keep reading and posting. You are not alone in this and you trully can arrest this addiction if you set your heart and soul to it.

Firstly i would suggest you to self exclude from all the online sites and get blocks on your computer. I use K9 protection which is free and doing good job then getting urges.

On a boring or low days, try to stay as busy as possible, there are a lot of things to do and you might even find new hobies you didn't know you have.

Recovery is bespoke and i am sure you will find the way which works for you. Please don't think about losses, that's it, they gone. Concentrate on a day at a time and brighter days will soon appear 🙂

All the best in your journey. I shall follow your progress and will be willing you on as much as i can.

Take care

Sandra x

Hi Maybe & Sandra

Thank you so much for your words of support.

I felt so alone last night, so annoyed and disgusted with myself, I spent all day on slots yesterday and threw away £450 that I really can't afford 🙁

Started with £50 then another, then another ,then another.......

It's been going like that for 3 years.....

DAY 1

Today is the day I start to get my life back.

I 'self excluded' from the sites I have accounts with so that's a start, I was searching for software to install on my ipad to block gambling sites but can't find any 🙁

I did though find this forum 🙂

My gambling has been my secret and I think that maybe part of the problem, just admitting it on here has really made a difference, I usually spend the day after a 'binge' so so depressed but today I feel positive and ready to fight....and fight this I will!

I know I have to try and forget the losses of the last 3 years to enable me to move on from this.....

One day at a time.....and today is the first.

M xx

Hi ashamed

I hope you are winning the fight, I am in a very similar position as you but on day two. It is no better but I do have the knowledge that I did not spend a penny yesterday, I am proud of this. Please hang on to hope that you can beat this and use this website. I am going through all the journals and posts and finding that it is helping a great deal. There will be software available but I think the search would have to be wifi blocker or something of that nature for your Ipad.

I really hope you are winning the good fight and if you need help I will be here watching the posts. Keep your chin up and be proud of yourself for taking this first step!

Amanda

Hi Amanda

Thank you for reading & posting in my diary, it's good to know that I'm not alone....we are just beginning our journey, we CAN beat this!

Time to let it all out........

Ok, so I'm in my forties with the big 50 approaching fast 🙁

2 failed marriages behind me, living with a partner for the last ten years, loved him deeply once but not anymore (long story), he gambles, bookies are his weakness and he hides it from me but well.....I know the signs, I know the excuses and lies that we gamblers tell 🙁

I'm not blaming him for my addiction, we all make our own choices but this is how mine started, 3 years ago things in our relationship came to a head and I asked him to leave, he was gambling heavily and I was so sick of the lies and deceipt that I just couldn't take it anymore.

He'd been gone a few days and I was really down & lonely, sitting watching TV one night and an ad comes on for a well known bingo site (I used to love a game of bingo in my local club) and I thought why not?

Switched on laptop and opened an account....worst thing I ever did!

Had a go at slots and I won, yes I won,went from £25 to £2500 within a couple of hours, couldn't believe my luck!

Long story short....played again next day, day after and the day after, sat up all night & all day, I got totally consumed and never saw it coming...and yes within days I lost every penny, so what did I do, yep chased those losses and here I am 3 years later and up until yesterday was still chasing, still losing and hating myself more and more everyday.

Meanwhile my partner begged me to give him a chance & he moved back in around 8 weeks after I asked him to leave, another big big mistake, the love was gone, trust was gone, and to top it all off, I had become the biggest hypocrite, hating him for what his gambling had done to us but secretly hitting those slots night after night, I despised myself for what I had become, how did I let this happen? I couldn't be an addict, could I? No, not me, not this strong woman who has coped with so much in the past, the person friends come to for advice, the (outwardly) happy, bubbly, caring woman..surely not?

Well I am an addict....there I've said it, I AM a Compulsive Gambler.

I now have around £5000 of debt on credit cards.

I live with a man I (sadly) do not want to be with only because I've got myself into such a crappy financial state that I can't afford to go it alone 🙁

I've found out recently that my teenage son has been 'self harming' and depressed and I hate myself again & again, I should have noticed sooner, I should have seen the changes in him....I was so wrapped up in my own misery that I let my boy down, I will never forgive myself for that.

Putting it all down here feels good, admittance has given me a little bit of relief and the weight on my shoulders has lifted just a tiny fraction but lifted nonetheless.

If I know nothing else now then I know that I have to take this 'one day at a time' .

There is so much I need to change in my life but I have to concentrate on today and try not to worry about tomorrow or next week or next month, I can't even begin to try to 'fix' anything else until I have stopped gambling and today....

I have not gambled.

I do not want to gamble.

M x

Hi M

Releasing your thoughts, facts and feelings are a hard but rewarding thing to do. I have found a massive sense of relief by doing so. You are definitely not alone! I understand the bingo, I used to love going, I went two or three times a week. I stopped going because I was playing online, totally isolating myself and turning to poker and slots. At least with bingo it would have been £150 per week and social, I chose a much more expensive and isolative route.

No matter what you must try not to beat yourself up about what has happened, I say that to you as well as myself. Your son needs you and you need to put him and yourself first. I think that anger and self loathing can wait for me until I can emotionally take the pain. Everything is too much at the moment for me to take that on as well.

I am very pleased to hear you have not gambled and do not want to do so. I also have not gambled but must confess I do want to, a way to escape but I am going to be strong and beat this.

Good luck M and we can beat this 🙂

Amanda

Day 1 is almost over and it's been a good day 🙂

I have not gambled!

I have not had any urges to gamble!

I know it's only Day 1 but just to come on here and admit that I am a compulsive gambler was a huge step for me, I thank again all those who left messages of support.

It felt so good to 'get it all out' in my post this afternoon, this is probably my biggest problem tbh.

I'm a very very private person, I keep everything inside and gambling has made me worse, family & friends would never never believe I could be an addict to anything.

Enough waffling for one day.....tomorrow is another challenge and one I'm not afraid to face anymore.

2014 will be my year...it has to be, life has to be better than this!

M x

Hey M,

Well done for coming through day 1..very good start;-) i am glad you enjoyed it...be proud!!

You are right, let's make 2014 more better and special...we can do it and we will!!!

All the best to you, hope you will have good rest and ready for more smiles later on today 🙂

Take care

Day at a time

Sandra x

Well done M so happy you made your first day, make sure you give yourself a big pat on the back.

Thank you for all your support yesterday and I hope you have a lovely new year.

All the best

Amanda

Morning M

Not sure if a bloke is allowed onto your thread!! Good to see you've got the girls around about you, but know that we're all here, reading your posts and willing you to beat this.

Well done on Day 1, today is day 2 and the day we typically make resolutions. You're doing all the right things in creating 'stop' barriers like self excluding etc. but forget resolutions for the year for 2014 and instead, every morning when you wake up, resolve that you will not gamble for that day. 2014 will look after itself.

Start getting excited about your new life gamble free and visualize how it will look - not shackled to a PC or iPad hour after hour. It may be early days and you can't ever get complacent or give in to the temptation......equally, you can't influence the past. Your future will be great!!!

Have a good day, embrace the change you've made and try to enjoy it.

Well done!!!!

Mr Brightside

Hi Mr Brightside

Thank you for your kind words 🙂

I've read lots of your posts the last couple days and you make me smile, such a kind man with so much encouragement for others, I've joined your 2014 challenge to help me stay focused.

Day 2 & last day of 2013

I can't wait to say goodbye to 2013, to let go of the pain and regrets, mostly caused by myself.

No New Years Resolutions for me, only daily promises to myself, and today ......

I will NOT gamble.

I WILL look forward to a New Year and a new life of freedom.

One day at a time 🙂

M x

You're on the updated list girl - welcome!! Just think how amazing it will be this time next year posting 367 days free of gambling!!!

Have a great day and here's to being clean in 14!!

Mr Brightside

I am exactly the same. I have a little boy who is 3 and I cant go on having money one minute then mostly losing it all - its not fair on him. I am renting and want to buy a house so we have someone secure to live. I can do it - I earn enough - just have to get it in my head that big win is not there or if it is it will all be gambled away as before. 2014 gamble free year for us all!

Today is day one for me. The day times are the easiest for me - its the evenings. I am going to try and google that software to stop me playing on sites. Does anyone know where I can find it for Ipad and Iphone?

Day 2 drawing to an end...

I have NOT gambled 🙂 but......

Awful awful awful day...huge fight with the Mr in middle of local supermarket, I ended up walking home with no jacket & freezing cold and raining 🙁

Nothing gambling related just another crappy argument, one of many these days 🙁

Usually I'd be hitting the slots like a madwoman by now to try and escape how miserable I feel, but I haven't and that is something to be grateful for......

Tomorrow is Day 3 and I will NOT gamble.

A very very Happy New Year to everyone out there 🙂

M x

Well done M you are doing great 🙂 Sorry you had a bad day but you managed through it, massive achievement.

Will be keeping a check in so take care be good.

Amanda