I have to stop....now!

Thank you Amanda 🙂

Day 3

No urges (thank goodness) but I am feeling down 🙁

I have to let go of the regrets, I know that....

Today I will NOT gamble!

Trying to stay strong....2014 WILL be my year of changes.

Take care folks....be good to yourselves, we are not alone.

M x

Day 4

I cannot win because I cannot stop!

I cannot win because I cannot stop!

I should be happy shouldn't I?

It's a fresh beginning, a New Year, a chance to re-start my life yes?

Then why do I feel so down.....I have to get past the regrets, 3 years ago I was debt free, had savings (not a large amount but enough for a rainy day)....it's all gone....

I cannot win because I cannot stop!

I will NOT gamble today!

M x

Hi M,

The regrets are difficult to deal with for sure. They niggle away at you - 'if only...'. But you have to face the stark facts. You cannot transport yourself back 3 years - you cannot get back the money you have lost. It is gone. Forever. You will never, ever win it back. What you CAN do is prevent any more money joining it, and make yourself happier in the process. You need to write off the money in your mind. It is difficult I know, but any time spent regretting the past is time wasted - nothing can be done.

I remember when I finally gave up, having this black hole at my centre. I was successfully starting to fight my addiction but I felt sad and lonely and utterly depressed. All I can say is it does get better. Giving up gambling does not solve all of life's problems, but my goodness it makes them easier to deal with. Also it does not happen overnight. The boring unpalatable truth is that it takes a long time - but it is worth it. Every single day you go gamble-free is of benefit to you, even if it doesn't feel like it at the time. So I urge you to keep going.

The fact you managed to not gamble after having a row shows how strong you can be. You have to stay this strong - not forever, just today. Always just for today - you can do that.

Hi M

Hope to find you well and still going strong 🙂

Well done for holding together even when you are not having the greatest of times. Always here is you need me and keep your head up.

Amanda

Made it through Day 4 and NO gambling 🙂

Rossco

Thank you so so much for your post earlier, you have no idea how much your words have helped me through today, I read them over & over again.

Amanda

You too are at the very start of recovery and we both know how difficult these early days are, it is so good of you to offer your support while fighting your own battles and I thank you deeply for that.

Still feeling oh so sorry for myself but I'm not gambling.

Tomorrow should be a good day, I'm meeting a close friend for lunch and a girly chat, she has no idea that I'm a CG, no one does.....I couldn't cope if anyone found out 🙁 ......but she does know about other issues in my life that get me down and always makes me smile so I'm really looking forward to seeing her 🙂

Day 5 tomorrow

I cannot win because I cannot stop.

I will NOT gamble.

Take care everyone & stay strong.

M x

Day 5 almost over & I have NOT gambled 🙂

'I cannot win because I cannot stop'

A simple sentence of 7 words but this is definitely keeping my urges under control....everytime one of those f*****g adverts comes on TV for the latest super dooper site or junk emails hit my inbox with all sorts of not so fantabulous bonus offers....I just take a breath and say those words over & over.....

I CANNOT win because I CANNOT stop!

I may be a CG but I also have a stubborn streak and I hate to be beaten.....and for today....I'm the winner!!

I'm so used to everything connected to my gambling being a big secret that it's wonderful to have this diary to scream, shout, and do a wee victory dance 🙂 🙂 🙂

If I feel this good on Day 5....how good will Day 50 feel or Day 500......

Don't get me wrong...I am no fool and know that it is very early days, the regrets are still here and the self pity & loathing are bubbling away still, but.....I feel so much better than yesterday, and I will feel even better tomorrow....

I cannot win because I cannot stop.

Big hugs to anyone who needs one.

M x

Hi M. Good to read your progress. I am now just over 3 weeks in to not gambling, and yes, it's tough and I miss it...but I am also enjoying the fact that I know exactly how much is in my bank account. perhaps, more importantly, I have drawn a line under my losses. I know that I will not get the money back, and that even if I got close, I would simply spin the wheels again and lose. We are all sensible people that have been overtaken by this madness, that makes absolutely no sense. BE REALLY PROUD OF YOURSELF today, and have strength for tomorrow. best wishes, Louise

Hi M

I am also in the same boat as you and Louise as I have only 3 weeks under my belt so far but I can honestly say I have never felt better! This site is a god send to me as I feel we can all help each other through recovery. Anytime I think of gambling which I still do a lot as it was a big part of my life for 10 years I also think I cannot win because I cannot stop and this is what really stops me from thinking well one little gamble wont hurt- just a tenner and thats it! LOL no because if I won a million I would still keep playing until I lost it and more and if I lost the tenner I would stick another one on because "surely its due to pay now". And then fast forward an hour and that self loathing feeling is back again. No thanks I wont do it to myself or my family, I hope we all stick together this year and it will be great to see how much better our lives will be in 12 months without gambling. Linda x

Hi M

Hope all is well and you are keeping up the good fight - believe me at times this week I truly think I am in a fight lol against myself 🙂

Anyway thank you for checking in with me I am fine, no gambling, after today it is a week and you will be saying the same at end of tomorrow. So glad that we have all the support on here and as you first said in our earliest conversations - we CAN do it!

All the best

Amanda

Day 6 🙂

I will NOT gamble today!

Linda & Louise

Thank you both so much for your support, just knowing there are others out there willing me on means so much.

Amanda

Keep going lovely, yes....we can do this!

Well it's the weekend and my first real challenge, weekends are always when I let myself down....not this weekend, no way!

It's only 2 little days, 48 hours....I will NOT gamble!

I cannot win because I cannot stop!

M x

Hi M

Just a check in to make sure you are ok and keeping strong. Hope all is well and you are keeping your head held high. Thinking of you 🙂

Amanda

Day 7 & NO gambling 🙂

Difficult day, not because I have urges (coping with these ok for now)... But another mahoosive row with the Mr, gambling is not the only thing I have to get out of my life!!

I really need to get my life sorted.....I wrote a huge post and have just deleted it.....I read it back and it was so full of excuses & self pity for my situation....

Enough of that!

Amanda.....thank you, my head is not so high right now but I AM hanging on in there.....xxx

Day 7 and I have NOT gambled!

I cannot win because I cannot stop!

M x

Congratulations on seeing out a full week M - fantastic achievement......especially against the background of everything else you are dealing with.

I get what you are saying about not being able to hold the head high.......but that's the future. For now, be happy looking in the mirror and telling yourself that you have made an incredible start to your new life and that one day you will be holding your head high, proud and loud!

We're proud of you girl!

Mr Brightside

Mr B ...you are a wee sweetie 🙂

Posting in this diary & following your 2014 challenge are what's keeping me going at the moment.

2014 has to be the year things change & I am determined it will be....one day at a time for now...

Day 8 tomorrow...

Everything seems so clear to me these last couple of days.......it's like the fog is oh so slowly clearing, I've read about the 'gambling coma' and o*g, that was definitely me...hours & hours & hours wasted staring at a screen to avoid having to confront the issues in my relationship, to take my mind away from the constant worrying about my darling son, to escape everything painful in my life both past & present.

And then the inevitable money worries that come from chasing chasing & chasing again losses that will never be recovered.

I'm done with that, I have awakened from that coma and I'm ready to fight.....first the gambling, and then...well....one day at a time my dear...one day at a time.....

With huge thanks again to everyone.

M x

Day 8 & NO gambling 🙂

Just checking in to keep myself on the right path.

No waffling this evening.

Take care everyone.

M x