Sorry...this will be a long one
I am starting this diary with a view that it can help me overcome my gambling addiction which has plagued my life for over 10 years. I little about me...female, 30s, no dependents, addicted to online multifunction sites (bingo/slots/casino).
I really don't truly remember why I started gambling in the first place. Maybe it was a form of escapism, I had just started a new job and was, I guess, a little stressed at the time. The gambling quickly got out of hand from when I first started, in one day alone I gambled almost £2000. Any savings I did initially have were quickly spent, money was borrowed and I was living hand to mouth relying on pay day loans to get me through to the next pay day. I reached my financial rock bottom only about 6-8 months after I first started gambling, resulting in me having to arrange a debt managment plan to deal with the finances. I am not the best person for retaining information or memories but I must have somehow curtailed the gambling for a while as I did eventually manage to pay back all that I owed - although I don't actually ever remember completely stopping gambling at any point. In my mind I cannot see a time that I have ever stopped gambling over this ten year period.
I realised I had a problem very early on and tried GA but it was very male dominated and not really for me. I have even had counselling but have continued to gamble throughout. Over the past 5 years or so I have tried to regain a little control over the gambling and have even managed to build up quite a good amount in savings. Somehow I restricted my gambling to £400/500 a month for a while by putting limits on the sites and sticking to them. More recently though I have upped my limits and I am now gambling more than I am earning so the savings are depleting. I am spending virtually all my spare time sat in front of my computer just looking at the gambling sites, even when I have lost my money, reached my deposit limit and have another 6 days to wait before I can gamble again. Gambling is not only taking my money, it has taken over my life too. I priortise gambling over anything else, willing to lose hundreds on a weekly basis but then scrimp on general everyday spending, refusing to waste a penny!
In my logical head I know I need to stop gambling and I WANT to stop gambling (when I am thinking reasonably). On the other hand, gambling provides a constant in my life, albeit a negative one. Like many gamblers have commented, it's like groundhog day. I am just finding it hard to imagine my life without gambling. I know without gambling my life should be a lot better, a lot more positive but I am struggling to see it. What I do know though is that if I don't stop now I risk losing everything - is that what I really want to happen?
I intend to write on here as often as I feel I need to in the hope that I will eventually be brave and strong enough to stop gambling.
Its as if you are writing about my life. I'm in the same situation. I stop and start paying off debts but always go back to gambling.
Some valid problems to overcome in pursuit of quitting but you've got to overcome them and it isn't easy. Spending so much time doing a certain activity and then taking that away leaves a gap. That gap is called life. I rediscover life each time. Gambling is not life it's just an existence and it's terrible. Stay strong. Stay away. Get positive. Keep going. You can do this.
What i get from your share was you've tried to get help with gambling at times but for what ever reason its not worked. Doesn't mean it won't work next time. What I read on here persistance and honesty are two of the words i pick up most on other's shares.
Keep going toughcookie
Back again ......
Felt like I needed to post to prepare myself for a gamble free 2016 as I certainly haven't managed it in 2015.
I want to be gamble free.
I want to experience life without living, eating and breathing gambling.
I want the choices I make in life not to be determined or influenced by gambling.
I want to spend money reasonably and not be thinking about gambling to try to recover the money spent.
I don't want to waste another minute of my life to gambling.
Tough Cookie, Even though gambling leaves us devestated we need to care for ourselves and be gentle while we get a grip and make commitments and put the blocks in place and get help. I feel that I've been sick like I have a disease because gambling is and addiction and when we are caught in the web it controls US. When our lives have become unmanagable and we admit that we are powerless over the addiction we can finally breath. I have had to continually admit that I was powerless after slip ups . I am powerless over gamblingh and I need the help of a hp and support of sites like this to continue to keep my sanity. This is 12 step talk and it is powerful. I feel for ya. And I understand in the most basic way ... we all understand because we are addicted to gambling compulsively. You can do it. T2
Toughcookie i really feel for you,i know this feeling all so well.i am also in my 30s,i have a wife and 3 beautiful kids.av been hear so many times but as t2 says av now admitted that i am totally powerless over gambling.after that 1st bet is placed the carnage starts until i have almost nothing left.i have another diary on this site that requires members here to check in the 1st of each month gamble free,i am using this to keep myself and others focused during 2016 so feel free to join if you think it would help you.take care and be kind to yourself.wish you all the best in your recovery.
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