I need to stop before I destroy myself and everything around about me... :(

Jopski

Glad to read you are talking to folk about YOUR gambling problem but would again plead with you to ask yourself to seek as much help as you can get,there is a wealth of it out there,it is not your parents responsibility is it??

The fact is the addiction is yours not theirs,I understand this as much as the next man,my own father is still an active compulsive gambler,having never sought help for his addiction,he blames the world and their dog for it to this day.

Carry on adding those gamble free days to the bottom of your thread,that is the reason we are all here.

For them be proud.

P.s amazing quick response from the area manager,brilliant!!it would seem that is a fella who actually cares for the wellfare of the compulsive gambler.

Regards Duncs

Thanks DUNCANMAC for your advice I'm not 100% blaming my parents for the situation that I am in. Initially when the problem was first discovered by my parents they didn't financially help me pay it off. I paid it off every week with my wages at the time and my parents made me pack lunches etc to save money. It wasn't financial help at the time but help managing my money.

I don't blame them for me gambling again it was my own fault and I caused the situation to where it is today... I knew I had to stop before the addiction consumes me and I cannot control my actions.

As for your question yes if I had funds I would be seeking recovery and I did have funds in the bank account and I could have continued to gamble until I had exhausted the ISA or bank accounts but I did not. My parents will not bail me out and I know that they will never trust me when it comes to money. They started the ISA with the intention of that money helping me with my future when I did something acceptable to them. (i.e Arranged Marriage etc) The situation is not helped by the fact that for 6 years we lived in each others pockets. Working and living with your parents isn't the ideal situation.

I think I can only go forward and not backwards in my life just now the money is now lost and I cannot win it back ever even if I wanted to gamble again. I have accepted that I have a addiction which I cannot stop and I have admitted it to people. I need to seek counselling and take steps to move on with my life.

Anyway today has been DAY 5 GAMBLE FREE.

DUNCANMAC one thing hit me when I was in Tesco buying supplies for the flat was how if I'd never gambled I'd would be able to afford things. Instead I'm debating in my mind whether to buy a set of pots with the jar of spare change that I had saved up in my room this is what I've become...

Jopski

Fella as I wrote I am not the jury I am simply another recovering addict who wants others to learn from the carnage I caused throughout my own gambling life.

I am glad you are facing up to your own addiction, this is the best and only way to earn trust and respect back, firstly for yourself.

Whilst you look for a job ensure you seek help, there are folk out there to help.

Lastly I have made an inventory of the monies I used to gamble with and where I took it dishonestly I have paid it back or will do through the process of my own recovery, why?

Because I believe that this is an important part of the recovery process.

Keep up the good work.

Oh and don't forget to re book that appointment with your gp, another weapon in the war you face.

As that big supermarkets motto says

'Every little helps. '

Regards Duncs.

Hi Jopski, I'm so glad that your back and changed your mind about that carrier bag thing. I haven't (touch wood) felt that low before so I can't compare anything to how you feel right now. I have witnessed the aftermath of suicide however, and it's a horrific experience to all those left behind. I don't want to dwell on it too much as I'm sure you're head is all over the place anyway without me weighing in but I have to agree with Duncanmac. Please please see your GP again. Be completely honest with them, so they can offer the help that you need. You don't have to go through this alone.

Ultimately your recovery comes down to you, your strength and your willpower. You'll be surprised how strong both can be given the chance.

I still think some of the things your parents have said/done sound terrible, however I am the compulsive gambler, I've never lived with one and I can't say truthfully what I would say/do if the tables were turned on me. I honestly don't know. Would I act differently? Maybe, but then again maybe not, so I can't stand in judgment.

I see your point when you said you think your parents are partially to blame I really do, but I also see Dunanmac's point about taking responsibility for our actions. An analogy I suppose is you can be driven to the edge of a cliff, but it's your choice whether to jump off it - I apologise for the poor taste but I can't think of another way to put it.

The ball is in your court now, only you can choose which way it goes. I hope you decide to stick with the gambling free life and all the things that will fall into place along with it. Your new chapter can start here and now.

Take care my friend and keep posting. Congratulations on another gambling free day.
Jess

Thanks DUNCANMAC for your advice and I haven't taken it personally as I know you're just trying to help me. I know I have a problem and that it will take me a long time to overcome this. I have now accepted that this has been my doing and no one elses. I can't explain the reason why I gambled but it could be a number of reasons. I wanted control, wanted the high of winning, wanted money, greed or perhaps I was depressed and it was the only thing that made me happy temporary for a while. Perhaps this happened for a reason and in hindsight perhaps I wanted to self destruct as a cry for help to myself. My parents will not trust me again and it will take a while to build back that trust but I now know I have to be honest with them and myself. In order to get my life back on track and be the Jopski that I used to be.

I'm not staying in the house with them but I'm going back this afternoon as I have a telephone interview for a job. Perhaps this is a good thing as this will give me space and also if I'm not in the house then they will not be angry. Before this I will go and see Citizen's Advice about getting financial support and perhaps the local job centre to get a part time job if I can't find a full time one. I will also contact the RCA Trust and try and get counselling for this week. As for my GP I will need to see about registering with the local GP in this area now I am not staying at home.

JM24 Thanks for your advice and support. Though I get support from my friends it's nice to know that there are people who understand in part what I'm going through.

PS. Phoned RCA TRUST and the advisor has given me a GOAL of not gambling for today! Said he will contact the people that do the counselling in the area to try and hurry up the process for me. But he will phone me also tomorrow to talk about GAMBLING.

Hi Jopski, you're very welcome. It's good to read your latest post. Although you may not see it, your post seems more positive than your previous ones and I can see a change in your mindset, which is good.

I know your parents are angry but remember they're angry because they care. People can say terrible things in anger, it's often an attempt to convey the hurt they're feeling. You've hurt me so I'll hurt you back kind of thing.

You have lost their trust, and that's understandable I think. It's down to you now to regain it. It will take time and hard work but it is possible. I'd imagine at the minute, whatever you say to them will just seem like more lies, even if it's the truth. All you can do is be honest from here on in, it won't happen overnight but one day they'll realise the can begin to start trusting you again (provided you stay gambling free of course)

I think counselling will do you the world of good. Your gambling addiction is yours to overcome but I do believe sometimes some of the things life throw at us 'help' us along a path of self destruction, the choice is ours whether we continue along it or change direction. Hopefully, talking things through with a trained counsellor can help you see where things went wrong, how they went wrong but most importantly how to make it right again. What's done is done, it's what we do now that matters.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you with the job interview - good luck

Stay strong
Jess

Hi Jopski,

I have now read your diary, and you have my sympathy. Your situation sounds difficult in the extreme. Although I am attempting recovery on my own too, I do know that if I was to speak to my parents their support would be unequivocal. I cannot imagine what it must be like to have to deal with the fallout of gambling / recovery and the home life you describe.

I think it is good that you have taken DuncanMacs words on board. Acknowledging that *you* made the choice to gamble, and that *you* now have to dig yourself out of this is key regardless of the causative factors that had input into your original choice to take up gambling. I would however that during your recovery you remember you are dealing with two totally separate issues 1) Compulsive Gambling, 2) a difficult/broken relationship with your parents. Divorce the two things, and deal with them differently and in your own time.

Personally I would focus on your gambling recovery first, and try to relax and get to a point where you have taken stock and taken steps to guard against a relapse. It sounds very much as if you are doing this from the self exclusion point action you have taken, that is good. There are many people on this forum who understand your gambling problem, as we too have the same affliction – we will not judge you and we will offer you our support collectively when you need it. I would share your experiences in recovery *here* with this forum, and with your appointed counsellors – Ill go out on a limb here and say I would not share it with your parents.

I suspect tackling your other problem – your parents and your home life, is an entirely different scenario which will require much more time to come to terms with, for you and for them. If it was me, I would want to get myself back on my feet, and to have my recovery well underway and have some positives in place (debt recovery plan, a job when one of your interviews comes off, maybe even your own rented place to stay, maybe an instalment plan of your own making to pay back the money you took from the ISA and associated funds etc) before I tried to approach my parents again in your position. I realise this may take some time, but it will give you time to get yourself back in order and it will allow them to calm down, and possibly to remember that they love you and they have a duty of care as parents to look after you regardless of your mistakes. They may even come to you in the meantime.

Please do keep up with the counselling and see your GP throughout this. These resources will give you the basic tools and coping mechanisms (be they processes and routines, or medical help) to aid you in your recovery. You need these to help you fight.

There is a wealth of information on this site and people much more knowledgeable than myself to offer support and advice, it has been a great help to me when I was trying to make sense of the situation I had gotten myself into. This forum will do the same for you.

I can see from your posts that you are becoming more positive, and that you are beginning to understand the nature of your gambling problem. This is good. Just remember now that knowing the problem you developed and being a compulsive gambler – you have to make gambling a “thing that you used to do” in your mind, not something which is still an option for you to do in the future. Move forwards. Use the tools and mantras provided by this site – the triangle of time, money, location (remove one and the gamble itself becomes impossible) and know that you “cannot win, because you cannot stop”.

I wish you all the best, and I hope that in time you can resolve not only your gambling/financial problems, but also your relationship with your parents. Just try to prioritise your own well being first whilst tackling any and all of these things.

Best Regards,

FM.

Thank you JM24 and FallenMan for your kind words and support in what has been a difficult time for me. My relationship with my parents has not been easy especially with my father. JM24 my parents do not care and do not want to know that I am making steps in recovery. For them it is simply too late and I suppose the fact of simply transfering any money that I have left in my ISA and business account was simply damage limitation.

I cannot explain why I did what I did to them as they simply do not see any reason other than the fact that I am a COMPLUSIVE GAMBLER and that I am BEYOND HELP. I accept the fact that I made the CHOICE to gamble and do not blame them but I think perhaps there is a reason that is more deeply rooted than that. I have now admitted I have a problem to someone that knows me well and my family situation. (He used to work for me and my parents) He said this "I don't think you have a gambling problem. Its just your way of coping. You are driven to it by your parents and the stresses of life. You need a new life, that makes you happy." To be honest I think the diagnosis is not as simple as that and I am a COMPLUSIVE GAMBLER.

I went to the Citizen's Advice Bureau yesterday to see what help I could get whilst I am staying in my brothers flat temporary. I was honest and told the advisor that I had a gambling problem and the circumstances how I was in the area. He gave me some advice which I took on board. After the Citizen's Advice Bureau I went back home for the interview and to be honest the relationship with my family was still quite raw. They understandably were still angry with me and this did not put me in a good frame of mind for the telephone interview especially as I did not get any privacy. My mother sat in my room whilst I was answering questions from the interviewer. I stayed with them for dinner and throughout this all they did was say how unresponsible I was in gambling all this money. How that they had no income since the family business was leased etc etc. They repeated the statement that they will not leave anything for me inheritance wise etc etc as I would simply gamble it away. I simply pushed these thoughts to the back of my mind and went back 40 miles to my brother's cold flat.

Anyway yesterday has been DAY 6 GAMBLE FREE.

Hi Jopski,

You know your parents far better than I do, I still suspect they want you to get better though. Even though your Mam stayed in the room throughout your interview (which I admit I wouldn't like either) she let you take the call. She could have stopped you taking it. And she allowed you to stay for dinner, which she didn't have to. An attempt at damage control seems very likely, however I think it's understandable that removal of funds would be the obvious solution to them in the first instance. They won't understand this anymore than we do so we can't really judge them too harshly. We are the ones that gamble, yet we can't understand or explain it either.

I think FM has left some very good advice and I echo his words completely when he says you have to prioritise your own well being first. There is so much help available, it has to be you that takes it, so please do. You aren't beyond help, we're in this life for the long haul, every day gives us a chance to improve on the previous one. We're still in the very early stages of recovery and we need to take things one day at a time. This is the only way we can do it.

I'm glad to hear you're reaching out to friends, my only word of caution is don't allow people to tell you that you aren't a compulsive gambler. Yes, there probably are reasons you began gambling in the first place and I agree that they need to be dealt with but you are still a compulsive gambler, as am I, that is what we are. Regardless of how we ended up here, we did end up with here with a gambling addiction. The moment we forget that is when we start believing that gambling can be a possibility for us again. It can't and can never be.

I've still got my fingers crossed that the job interview was successful.

Take care my friend and congratulations on still being gambling free
Jess

Hadn't had time to update the diary recently but anyway yesterday has been DAY 7 GAMBLE FREE.

Thank you FallenMan for your comments about keeping the two issues completely separate 1) The Gambling 2) The Family relationship. It is hard but when you have been living in each others pockets even if I wanted to distance myself from them they cannot. My mother has phoned me about three times already with regards to why the bank sent me a change of address questionnaire? (She opened the mail and thought it was a loan application), whether I was gambling again etc etc and finally some other issue regarding the family business. Some people would simply say just ignore the phonecall but it's not as easy as just that.

I spoke to someone from the RCA Trust on Tuesday and it was good to talk to someone that would not judge me for my actions and for us to talk about possible triggers. I talked about the family situation about how I was the oldest son and I felt it was unfair that my younger middle brother was never given the choice to take over the family business (He shortly got made redundant after I came back to the family business and then left to do his own thing). About how such and such was promised and never materialized and how burdened I felt about it all. Perhaps it was always down to control as well as my parents controlled every aspect of my life and I felt it suffocated by it all. At no TIME did I BLAME my parents for my ACTIONS but just trying to explore why I did it? At the end of the call the person gave me his mobile and said if I need to call or speak to him again for me simply to call him. They have also referred me to local counselling but I questioned why it was a alcohol based group. The advisor did say they are also trained in gambling addiction not just alcohol addiction. I have a initial consultation on Tuesday...

Later that night I went for a long walk it was the night of the England/Scotland football match and I encountered a new l*******s that I never knew existed. It must have recently been opened the voice in the back of my mind whispered to me to go in and try a few pounds...you're not self excluded from this one. I pushed the thought to the back of my mind and walked past the shop.

Yesterday I got another phonecall from my mother about some random thing she wanted to know about.....Later on at lunchtime the voice in the back of my head whispered to me again. Go down the road and try just play "CLASSIC ROULETTE" just put in a couple of quid...I knew deep down if I walked back into that scenario that I would be letting myself down and all the countless other people that helped me. I decided to fix something that had been annoying me in the flat for sometime, a broken bathroom extractor fan. I went to a plumber merchants and finally to B&Q bought a new fan and I spent the afternoon fitting it but I'm a perfectionist so I initially set it to go on for 1 minute after the switch is shut. But today when I had a shower I felt it needed more time so I set it to 10 minutes. Later on I went to see my childhood friend that lives a hour away in Montrose and we had dinner and coffee back in his house. We chatted about the possible reasons and not at any time did I BLAME my parents, though he did say start at ZERO and take care of yourself.

Today I walked into the place that has been tempting me for the last couple of days and handed a photograph and self excluded. The person that worked in l*******s did say to me why don't you self exclude from all the l*******s shops in the DUNDEE area which there is 21 shops and currently I am self excluded from about 7. I have decided to keep passport photos in my wallet and anytime I am tempted to walk in any shops I am not self excluded from I should self exclude immediately. He did say have you self excluded from other bookmakers and I said my problem is the game that l*******s have on the FOBT...CLASSIC ROULETTE. No other bookmakers have this so the urge to play in their shops doesn't affect me the same as l*******s. In my deluded mind I have a SYSTEM for winning but as you all well know there isn't one and eventually the bookie is the ultimate WINNER!

After self excluding I went to the local council offices to see what help I could get with regards to housing and it was a new experience. To be in the gutter as to speak but I think I am a lot happier than living with the pressure cooker that is my parents house. Sigh...just need to be successful in a job interviews.

Anyway today has been DAY 8 GAMBLE FREE.

I'm sending you a high 5 Jopski. Well done on walking past that bookies, and then returning to self exclude.

I'm glad things are turning around for you. I know it's still early days but I really do think there's been a change in you during that time.

I know you can't blame your parents for your gambling but I do think it's right to acknowledge if their actions have contributed to you wanting to gamble, or serve as a trigger to gamble. If you don't acknowledge them, how can you learn to deal with any future actions without relapsing? Just my opinion, I'm not saying it's right.

Keep fighting the good fight my friend and congratulations on another gambling free day
Jess

The last couple of days have been a bit hard but in a sense I feel kind of liberated and a bit more positive about things in general. There haven't been the urges to GAMBLE but perhaps this is a due to my circumstances as I don't funds in my account. If I wanted to I suppose I could find ways of getting money but I have decided that GAMBLING is not the SOLUTION to my financial situation.

What bought it home to me when I was sitting in the COUNCIL offices seeking assistance and making appointments with the JOBCENTRE. Also budgeting my money by going to pound shops and seeking yellow ticket items from the supermarket. With what I GAMBLED with I could have done a lot of things and went a lot of places. But I suppose the MONEY was never mine in the first place.

My father hasn't spoken to me since I left home but my mother still phones me as I still have things to resolve with the family business. She said they have been having sleepless nights ever since they found out what happened and she said you probably don't care and can sleep soundly at night. She said you are 38 at the most you will only have maybe 10+ of working and why did you have to GAMBLE AWAY so MUCH MONEY. I still don't know why you did it?

I have been trying to ANALYSE why I GAMBLED after the second relapse and I suppose in a way it was a means of making money intially and it snowballed from there. Catch 22 if they gave me more money then I could be tempted to GAMBLE IT but on the other hand it questioned my self worth...Why am I working so HARD in this business if I don't benefit from it financially?

If I thought about it RATIONALLY I should have stopped when I won a amount that I could have lived on for 3-6 months but of course GAMBLING is a disease that consumes you. Even when I had enough it was never enough and GREED got the better of me...Perhaps maybe it was something to do with my parents perception of money as they rarely spent money on themselves and saved as much for the supposed rainy day? I don't know I will need to see what the COUNSELLING will reveal perhaps I can find out about the triggers and how to deal with them?

Anyway today has been DAY 9 GAMBLE FREE.

Jopski

fella great to read you are still gamble free,all be it in your own words by default,to not directly have funds available so to speak.

But you are right in what you say,you have changed you perception,there is another way to live life.

Use this 'honeymoon' period,the brain in my mind enjoys the new found resolve and put in place some sensible blocks to unsure that the act of gambling is as difficult as possible to achieve when the urges return,usually they co-inside with funds becoming available.

I lastly hope your counselling gifts you the answers you seem to desire,my advice would be go back to the first time you gambled,in your case was it not when you worked in the city away from your parents,I think you may find that was the beginning of the compulsion,the trigger started there.

Addiction will always find reasons after that day for you to gamble,it will keep whispering them in your ear for life,it is through your re education today that the rational side of the brain has the opportunity to grow.

Keep making the right choice

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back