I need to stop before I destroy myself and everything around about me... :(

Haven't been posting as much as I should have as nothing has really happened...just struggling to keep the urges away. DUNCANMAC I received a refund from the utility company so have some funds in my account but not very much and so far I have resisted the temptation. Today I went to the job centre for a job seekers interview and on the way back I passed a l*******s and as I needed to use the toilet. So I went in and after using the toilet I went straight up to the counter and asked to see whether I was self excluded from that shop. To be honest I don't think they would have challenged me if I went up and played the machine but the other girl checked and they found my form. So I have been excluded from that shop but I will carry a passport photo and if I do find another un excluded l*******s I will self exclude from that one as well. On the way back I needed a key cut so I popped into the shop and was told to come back in 10 mins. To fill the time I went round a few shops and then I saw a WILLIAM HILLS this is normally not the bookmakers that I would go into. So I don't know why I went in perhaps it was the URGE to gamble but I watched someone play ROULETTE for a couple of mins. Then out of HABIT I sat myself in front of the FOBT and pressed a few screens and then just before I was gonna put £10 into it. I stopped thought about it and walked out of the shop. The thought that went through my mind was that I WAS NOT GOING TO WIN no matter what the voice in my head was telling me. It is easier to walk away from this FOBT as the allure is not the same as the other bookmakers machine which has the GAME which I have spent the last 10-11 years of life s******g my hard earn cash into. I then went home and I haven't had any urges to gamble and I hope I can resist.

I think I feel the need to gamble as I am always worried about money or the lack of? Perhaps it has been drummed into me by my parents and their rational fear of having none kept for a rainy day. This has made me look at ways of making a quite buck (GAMBLING THE QUICKEST & EASIEST) which is quite idiotic as I have managed on so little. These last two weeks I have lived on very little and have budgeted and been frugal. Only extravangant purchase has been a takeaway and a clothes dryer so I don't know why I want to win more money. I need to rein in these urges to make a quick buck and concentrate on finding work and making money the hard way.

Tomorrow I have my first session with the counselling so perhaps I can explore this a bit further. Today I'm glad I did not GAMBLE as this has been DAY 12 GAMBLE FREE.

I hope I have the strength to continue and fight these urges!

Hi Jopski,

You haven't posted in a while so just wanted to see how things are. Hope all's well

Take care
Jess

I've been living a lie it seems on the face of it I want to stop gambling but the situation that I am in makes me desperate. Living with very little money and with waiting for a decision from DWP whether I will get job seekers. I also had a inital screening with the councellor and I am waiting for them to schedule a appointment for me to see one.

I had a phonecall on Tuesday to attend a interview on Wednesday at a lawyers office, you'll never believe it to work as a case handler dealing with debt recoveries. I also had a interview with my old work where I'd worked for 6 years later on that night. Lets just say I had to go home beforehand to pick up some things. The conversation I had with my mother was quite tense and my father did not say a single word to me. I expected this and that things would be quite difficult. I was late at the first interview and subsquently I went to my old work and a lot of things had changed. I thought the role playing went well but I think it was the compentency based questions that I didn't do well on again. After the interview I went for a pint and I don't know why but I popped into the other bookmakers that I was not self excluded from. Played a few games of roulette won some money and left but this was not the end of it.

So I'd lasted 14 days without gambling before a little small win changed everything and when killing time before I visited my best friend on Thursday I decided to pop into the other bookmakers in the town that I am not self excluded from. I played the FOBT and won little money and then left to see my friend. Then on Friday I didn't gamble at all as I went to see my GF as she was off work and I spent some money on her and on myself. This naturally made me worried as I still hadn't heard the outcome of whether I would receive jobseekers of course. I still had some money but not a huge amount...so on Saturday when returning some things back I'd popped into the bookmakers again and played the FOBT and this time I'd lost everything that I won plus maybe a tenner. On the way back home I decided this was the end of it and I will hand in a photo and self exclude from these shops in the area.

So here I am again I am back to square one...I think perhaps one of the reasons I gamble is when I am short of money or feel anxious about money I use gambling as means to earn. It's irrational I know and I should focus on trying to get my life together rather than take the easy way out. A lot of people here will be disappointed with me and I am disappointed with myself as I was doing well but perhaps in times of stress I also use it a a method to release tension. I don't know...

Today my mother phoned me after changing the ownership of the car to my fathers name I got a car tax refund but I have to pay for road tax for my father. Otherwise I can return the car to them and never EVER use it again of course this means I'll have to change the insurance as well in order to continue to use the car plus pay the MOT due in January. They said you should have thought about that when you gambled but it didn't help when they made me take what money was left in the accounts leaving me £400 to live on. They said you should get a part time job etc or find a way of making money to pay for these things. I felt hurt as I'd wasted 6 years of my life working in the business and they never appreciated the sacrifices I'd made. Of course I am genuninely worried about money as I reckon I have about less than £200 left and today I didn't gamble out of it. I stayed in the house all day and I felt low.

Just felt so low and I have been doing so well.

At the end of the day I am a loser it seems I can't get a job after 6 face to face interviews...I feel lonely at times and sometimes I feel what is the point. I keep trying but I seem to get nowhere...is this it.

Anyway I will try and take things one day at a time...today I joined a volunteer online group. I will make a extra meal one day a week for a elderly person. I feel that I should try and help someone rather than focus on my own problems.

Anyway today has been DAY 1 GAMBLE FREE.

Welcome back to recovery jopski...

You've had a slip & are tackling things head on by using your time to help others...Brilliant 🙂

I feel for you with your parents & being out of work but you must focus on activities that keep you out of the shops...You do not need to test your resolve, the urges will be test enough as & when they come. Also, I don't think trying to find reasons why you do it is helping...I gambled when I was happy, when I was sad, when I had money, when I borrowed it, I always had an excuse! Truth is, I gambled because I am a compulsive gambler & you are too!

Keep being frugal, applying for jobs, looking out for people who will benefit from your support & remain on your recovery! I suspect your Mother is in constant touch because she is worried about you...She sounds scared & hurt @ the moment but you can beat this - ODAAT

Today I went to the other bookmakers William Hills and self excluded from all the shops in the area and any others that I would be tempted to go to. I also went to a organisation that the job centre recommended me to go to to help me improve my CV and interview skills and I will go to a workshop this Wednesday.

Thanks ODAAT for your advice but it seems rather than help me in my recovery my mother seems to play the blame card all the time. I can understand that she is hurt by the lies and the deception but to me I think the loss of the money is worth more to her than my mental well being. I feel very stressed about the situation and the constant daily phonecalls to me, she phoned me twice today and it wasn't about how I was doing or how my job hunting was doing!

She keeps chasing me up with regards to the business paperwork still outstanding for the shop which will need to be submitted to the accountants soon? How she expects me to pay for that and the accountants fees I don't know as she made me take out most of the money that was left in the account? On top of that she chatised me about the car with regards to the road tax now due because she made me change the ownership to my father. Asking me when the MOT and Insurance is due and saying how will you be able to afford to pay it? On top of that asking me about the job situation and saying why am I not taking any part time jobs how are you expected to pay the BILLS? Are you EXPECTED to live off the STATE forever? Finally saying how I am causing her and my father sleepness nights and what I am EXPECTED to do to STOP GAMBLING!!!!! Obviously I said I would deal with this myself and for her not to worry but this set her off and she ranted and raved about this being the third time ETC. Saying that if you're brother didn't have this empty flat that you would be on the streets. Saying you caused this so you should be the one to fix this...not good in fact tomorrow morning they may come up and give me another lecture.

They are not POSITIVE people when it comes to me and in fact she belittles me saying that you are a COMPLUSIVE GAMBLER you will not find a job because thats all you're focused on. You are useless, you should just sit outside the high street of the town and have a begging cup as that's all you're good for.

DUNCANMAC mentioned something about the problem may have been a lot deep rooted and I have been trying to make sense of my life and my purpose. I've always worked for my parents in one form or another since I was 12 and I'm now 38, perhaps I have been trying to escape all my life. In a sense my brothers have managed to do this and create lives for themselves outwith my parents control and *** yet I am still within their reach. I've resented the fact that I was the oldest one and the one that had to come back to the family business when in their opinion I was deemed only fit to work in a CHINESE takeaway. I had a good job as a Insurance Company Supervisor and I left it to help them run the family business a decision I made myself. But if I'd thought about it I should have never come back and the next 6 years have been difficult. I've lost all conatct with friends bar a few close ones due to my unsocial working schedule. Due to my GAMBLING ADDICTION I was paid a low stipend every week and expected to save this and not spend any of it. In 6 years I never went on holiday anywhere whereas my parents made a trip once a year back home and I was expected to stay at home and do paperwork for the shop. Every decison they had the final say including what CAR we should buy for the business. At one point they wanted me to meet a girl in a type of arranged marriage...doesn't matter if she isn't a looker just as long as she's a hard worker. I refused because just marriage is not based on that and it's different now to when they met in the 60's. They have had problems in their marriage and I have always promised myself I would not marry just for convenience and anyway what girl wants a husband controlled by their parents?

I'm not blaming them but people have noticed since I am not living at home I have become more positive compared to when I was at home. I've always felt in my life I've never lived up to their expectations and I think I have always been LOST. They always seem to compare me with other people's children and I am NOT THEM.

Hopefully the councilling will help me find out what has been underlying all this time I know there is no cure but I can only take one day at a time.

Feeling pretty down and low at the moment with no job expectations in sight, struggling with money with no confirmation in sight of whether DWP will help me, being isolated on my own and having to overcome these negative feelings. Feelings of regret, shame, guilt, bitterness and anger...I always feel angry when my mother talks to me about the issue of GAMBLING and what can I do to stop it. Why did I do it explain it to me and you're the lowest of the low no CHINESE son is like you!

Anyway today has been DAY 2 GAMBLE FREE.

To be honest I haven't really posted a lot since the last post and it was mainly to do with my parents coming up to see me. It was quite a stressful situation and maybe perhaps I haven't come to terms with what I have done fully. My father still hasn't come to terms with it and he was still very angry about the whole thing. For two hours it was mainly the BLAME GAME and what I could have spent with the money. When they left I just went and stayed in my bed for a couple of days not sure but I'm DEPRESSED. As if things could not get WORSE I have no money still waiting on JSA and my parents won't HELP me at all. Who can blame them I've used up all the LIFE LINES. I'm job searching but feel so dispirited bout the whole situation when interview after interview I don't get anything. On top of that so called friend that initally listened to me has now decided to shut me out as he said I was SELFISH and SELF CENTERED. Because everything is just me me and me and I take and don't give back to our friendship.

The final straw today is when my girlfriend has told me she no longer wants to continue our relationship and perhaps it would be better if we could go our separate ways as I'm never there for her when she needs me. Just feels like everything is fallen around me and I'm struggling just to stay positive and most days I just don't want to get up.

I haven't really posted a lot and 7 days have passed and I am still DAY 9 GAMBLE FREE.

9 days is AWESOME...Did you ever think you would get here?

Even with the heart break you are going through you show the strength to stay in recovery & that is something I think you should be very proud of!

I hope you manage to get your counselling sorted soon, having an expert helping you with this journey sounds very necessary given all of the stress that you are under! Be proud of your 9 days of winning & use this strength to help with your positivity. I hope the dark clouds start lifting soon my friend - ODAAT

Hi Jopski,

Congratulations on 9 days. I'm really really sorry to hear things aren't getting better. Please try and stick with not gambling, you know that returning will only make you feel even worse.

People may or may not be right about being selfish. I don't know you so I can't say. But I know gambling made me very selfish. As long as I had money and time to gamble I cared very little about what other people wanted from me. I had better things to do with my time than worry about their 'trivial' issues. On the flip side when I was feeling down about yet another ridiculous loss, I expected those same people to pull me up again from the gutter even though I never shared why I was feeling so down. My problems were always far bigger and more important than theirs. They weren't, my problems were all self inflicted. I'm not proud of it and I know that isn't me, but in the cold light of day that was me for a good few years. I wasn't a particularly nice person and it's a hard pill to swallow. All I can do now is try to make amends for the way I behaved. I can only do that if I don't gamble again. Maybe you could invite your friend round for coffee, apologise if you think you maybe haven't been the best friend recently and ask them about their problems or their life. It might even help to take your mind off your own worries for a little bit.

Have you thought about seeing the GP again? And any news on the counselling? Don't try and do this alone, you have so much going on right now, don't bottle it all up inside. I'm no expert on depression, but there are people out there who are and can help. Please use them my friend.

Take care and keep taking things one day at a time
Jess

Thanks JM24 for your kind words and support and I know things aren't great for you at the moment just take one day at a time.

It has been 16 days since I'd last gambled and with each day that I strike off the calendar I hope the urges will subside. Gambling has not been on the forefront of my mind and to be honest other problems have taken priority.

Have applied endlessly for jobs online and have signed on again this week at the Job Centre. It's difficult for me as I never been out of work in my entire life and now to be seeking financial help. The stigma attached to it and it seems when I'm at the job centre I'm the youngest person there. The good news is I have been paid for 2 weeks and the money will go towards the utility bills and food. I've realized how much I could have done with the money but I can't change the past now only the present. It's difficult when you have to decide in the Pound shop whether you should buy something and what impact it will have later. It's the same with gambling when I was caught up in my madness I didn't consider the consequences of my present actions and how it would affect the future.

I went to my first counselling session last week as well and we talked about GAMBLING but I don't think we got to the bottom of why I gambled and what the triggers were. It's early days and I don't think I will be able to explore that until later sessions. We mainly talked about my parents and how I felt I never lived up to their expectations. I'm the oldest and I think the pressure was always on me to be better than my siblings and sometimes this was hard. Especially as I was expected to do things right the first time but took several tries whereas my siblings could hit the bulls eye first time. Their way of encouragement was to emotionally put me down and try to use reverse pychology to try and make me do better. For example a normal parent would be encouraging about the job situation but not them. They cite a example of a older person in my village who is long term unemployed and hanging about on the streets. They now compare me to him and my father said I was right I was right you will end up like him. or my mother would say that you are stupid and lazy that's why you haven't found a job yet. People have said to ignore these remarks when I lived at home but it was hard when you lived and worked with them all the time. Now that I am not staying at home I don't have to listen to them as much but they still phone and make comments. Today's phonecall was why are you going to counselling only druggies or alcoholics need to do that and have you been taking drugs! You don't need counselling just us to tell you all the time to stop gambling.

Apart from that I have stayed mostly inside the house and apart from trips to the shops I haven't been out. The record was 2 days and the thoughts of GAMBLING have not been on the forefront of my mind. I have tried to keep busy by joining the local library and reading. Hopefully things will get better and I'll take things one day at a time.

Anyway today has been 16 days GAMBLING FREE...

Hi Jopski,

How are things? 29 days gambling free I'm hoping.

I hit another stumbling block but I'm trying not to dwell on it. Onwards and upwards as they say.

Take care and stay strong my friend
Jess

I haven't posted anything for a while maybe because I hadn't had anything to say for a while and I have been feeling a bit down and depressed before and after Christmas. I had stayed in my room on several occasions for 2 - 3 days only moving to the kitchen to feed myself and then go back to bed.

I have been attending the counselling though it helped perhaps it gave me a illusion that I was slowly getting cured? We mainly talked about my parents and the issues with them that may or not indirectly affected why I gambled. I also told the advisor that temptation will always be there and that I will be unable to trust myself even though the urges have become less and less. We have now decided to cut back the sessions from every week now to every 3 weeks. People here would say it's the easy way out to blame them rather than accept responsibility and perhaps they are right?

I don't know but I know what happened next was my own responsbility and no one else made the decision for me and I feel really bad after hitting 40 DAYS GAMBLING FREE. In the context of things, I had a dream a couple of days ago that I'd was playing the FOBT and in my dream I'd was winning and then eventually I lost all the money that I'd played with. In my dream I'd felt I was doing something bad and that I shouldn't be doing it but I did it anyway and lost. A couple of days later I'd was on Youtube and I watched a few videos of people playing FOBT and losing. This I'd all explained to the counsellor and we explored the reasons why I didn't act on it. The fact that I am living on my own now and that I have to pay bills and buy food etc before whereas I'd lived with my parents all this was taken care of by them. Also the fact that I could walk past a bookmakers the only one that I'd was not excluded from.

After counselling my mother phoned me and we talked briefly and though I went home for Christmas it was strained. The same old topics reared up again in her conversation.

"Have you had any job interviews" I told her I'd applied for jobs just before Christmas and that I was waiting to hear about possibly phone interviews. Her answer was always negative..."At your age employers are always going to hire younger workers" or "You're consumed by gambling and become stupid by it that's why you can't get a job". She then would usually go on about the GAMBLING about how I have disappointed her and my father. About what I could have done with the money i.e "You could have went back to Hong Kong and stayed for a couple of months to explore job possiblities." or "How now even if I got a job that it would take me years to save up that money as I would have to pay bills etc etc". Eventually telling me that my life is FINISHED and that I have no FUTURE... Usually I would put these comments in the back of my mind and my mother would always want a answer that I would not GAMBLE again EVER. I'd told my counsellor that I could never give her a definite answer as it's not as simple as just stopping. I am always envious of other people's parents who are supportive and postive and wonder if it's a cultural thing?

Anyway yesterday I went to see my closest friend who lived a hours drive away from me and whatever reason that day I went into a newsagents to get a drink and without thinking I'd purchased a £5 scratchcard which I'd lost and then thinking that the next two cards would be winners which one was a £5 winner I'd lost £10 overall. The situation I'm in is that day to day I don't have much money so to me £10 was a lot and I was busting myself over it and breaking my 40 DAYS. So whilst waiting on my friend to finish work I proceeded to go to the bookmakers this one I wasn't excluded from. I then proceeded to lose all the money that I had to live on for the next two weeks or so which was about £145. At one point I was even but as I was GREEDY I'd gambled it away to nothing. So the downside of this was admitting to my friend where I was and he treating me to dinner in his house as I'd felt embarrased as I didn't have any money. He offered me a loan of what money he had but I'd declined it as it was all my fault and I should take responsbility for my actions. He understood about addiction as he had experienced it with other things other than gambling and he has told me to try and push this behind me and go forward and not dwell on it.

How do I feel? After abstaining for 40 DAYS I'd felt great and things were going forward but yet one step forward and two steps back. I feel isolated in a town miles away from from home not that I'd many friends there to start with and trying to find a purpose in getting up each day. I am searching for work but nothing seems to come up and sometimes I'd wonder what my life has turned out to be like this. I am depressed by my predicament and even if I'd stayed at home I doubt that I would have stopped. Sometimes I say f**k it what is the point? I look at other people who have a wife and kids, a good job, house, car and I wonder why the f**k I'm such a GAMBLING LOSER. I find it hard to comprehend that things will get better as at the moment it doesn't seem to be. Alright some people may say that you're still alive and healthy that's what counts in life so don't dwell on it. Even if things get better and I find work can I trust myself to ever not GAMBLE again when circumstances have changed? I think I should take things one day at a time and try not to GAMBLE and that's all I can do.

My name is JOPSKI and I am a COMPLUSIVE GAMBLER and today as been GAMBLING FREE.

Welcome back Jopski, thanks for the post.

40 days is no mean feat my friend and you should give yourself some credit for it. Yesterday you slipped up, it happens. Why don't you sign up for the 2015 challenge in the overcoming gambling forum? Start over today, clean slate.

I'm sure your parents are still very raw about it all. As unsupportive as they seem to you they are still speaking to you and are probably just hoping their tough love stance sorts you out. As a compulsive gambler myself I can see why they would think it would work, I also know it's not so easy to just stop and be rid of this addiction once and for all. Trust and respect is far harder to earn back than losing it in the first place is unfortunately. It's just going to take some time, sadly.

I'm sorry to here there's been no luck on the job front. I think times are tough everywhere at the moment, I certainly don't think it's due to gambling that you can't find work. Have you though about maybe doing some volunteer work? Just to give you a reason for getting out of bed if nothing else. I've a friend who's just signed up to become a dog walker for a rescue shelter. Is there a charity you support? I'm sure that charity shops are crying out for helpers. The hospital that I work in has a WRVS which is volunteer run, some of the people work in the shop, others act as meet and greaters, taking all the lost souls to departments for their appointments. What about your local library? If council cutbacks in Scotland are anything like they are down in Geordieland, many of our libraries are volunteer run services now. Just a few ideas I'm sure there's many more.

Like I say, if nothing else it would give you a reason to get out of bed. It'll also give your self esteem a chance to grow, you'll meet people but also do something worthwhile (it'd also look good on your CV - bonus!)

Anyway, I'm glad you're back. I don't think we can ever be cured. It doesn't matter how far into recovery we get, there's always the chance that one bet will send us back into the spiral of hell that we're trying to get away from. I think (I hope at least) it just gets a little easier over time. Stick with your diary, use it to write down your highs and your lows. You know no one here judges you in the way the outside world does.

Stay strong my friend and let's keep today gambling free

Jess

Thanks JM24 for your kind words...today has been tough I have been struggling with a lot of things. Struggling with the fact that after 40 days I'd sucumbed to the temptation of gambling again. Everyday for me seems to be like a struggle and I don't tend to see the positivity of life just the negative things.

Was hopeful about a possible job as I was supposed to have a telephone interview yesterday but when the time came and no phonecall. Just felt down and I emailed the company who then apologized and said that the job was no longer available hence all interviews were cancelled. Just trying my hardest to apply for jobs and just get a start somewhere after working for my parents but it's soul destroying when I get nowhere and this reinforces their arguments.

Sometimes I think perhaps it would have been better if my parents have never leased the business to their tenant as I would still be in a job but perhaps it may have meant that I still continued to gamble to find a way out of the situation that I was in? The tenant has been erratic in her rent payments and I hope that I don't get sucked back into helping run the business again. My parents see the business as their pension yet I was so unhappy working for them. In reality of things the amount I lost over six years represented my wages over this period of time and if you compared this to my friend who worked for his parents. He made 4 times what I made and it was this inequality which I found so unfair. My father could compare me with this friend not taking all factors into account and make it like it was all my fault that I had nothing and that if he gave me more that I would have gambled it away. I realized that I should have simply just walked away or should I just accepted my fate and agreed to everything that they wanted for me. A arranged marriage so that simply having a wife who would take control of my finances and work in the shop alongside me? My mother keeps asking me what my future plans are and what can I say just have to keep applying and trying. The biggest mistake was coming back to work in the family business as gradually my relationship with my parents have deteriorated.

Now it seems that I am in no better a place than I was before but the surroundings are a lot different. I feel a lot of hate towards a lot of people especially my siblings who escaped and never had the burden of the family business as they were both younger. I hate that I can't do anything with my life and I hated working in the shop but compared to unemployment I functioned a lot better having to go to work everyday. Just now I just feel dead and lifeless like a zombie minus the brain chomping characteristics. Sometimes I wonder if I would be better off dead than living as I don't see the point of my existence. I am filled full of negativity and hate with the whole world and the situation that I am in.

NT and JM24 Thanks for your kind words but unfortunately I could not stop today and I succumbed again to temptation.

I just self destructed again just now I went to fill up the car with petrol and drove to a place 30 mins away where I was not self excluded. I got paid JSA today and I also had funds from selling stuff on eBay so I had £220 which should be have been for the next 2 weeks. I took out initially £120 and went to the nearest William Hills and after playing for a while I managed to win back the £160 I'd lost in the previous occasion plus was extra £10 up. But I should have stopped but I didn't but went back in my car and drove to another l*******s nearby and after initally winning £30 up I managed to lose the £290 I won from the first bookmakers. I then proceeded to withdraw another £100 and eventually lost all of that as well.

I feel so distraught with myself for subcumbing to this and further lining the pockets of the bookmakers so I don't know what to do. I was physically sick at the though of losing the money and I virtually have no funds left and I accept it was my own decision to gamble. But the £380 could have paid for the car repairs that are due in the next month or so and car insurance as well.

What can I do? I have one close friend that knows of my situation and he has said I could always turn to him for a loan and I guess I have no choice and try and see if I can get a loan off him. I felt like taking a baseball bat to the dreaded machines but what purpose would that achieve but for me to have a criminal record. I need to try and stop for good this time and try not to GAMBLE at all on anything. If my friend doesn't lend me money I guess I would need to bite the bullet and start selling things for value to survive like my iPad and my Laptop though I would need to keep one to apply for jobs.

My only worry is that if I get a loan off my friend that I will use that to gamble but I guess I won't know the answer until nearer the time. I hope for my sake I stop and I continue to seek therapy to try and stop and if I don't stop there will be no way out. I feel so hopeless all the time about the situation that I am in.

Hi jopski

Sorry to read that you have gambled today, to be in the grips of the gambling machine is simply horrible.

Firstly well done for coming here and being honest.

Borrowing/accessing/money is just more fuel to feed the hideous addiction, you have said this yourself, unless you have your barriers and blocks in place, ie self excluding from every bookies around, using the triangle that so many fellow members use on here, unless you 100% protect yourself, and want yourself 100% comittment, your life won't change, you have to really want this, and if you do it can happen, you will never win because you cannot stop, the addiction is too strong when we are in the midst of it, let your losses go, and make that change. You can do this if you really want to.

Best wishes

Suzanne x