I need to stop before I destroy myself and everything around about me... :(

Hi Jopski,

I've decided not to dwell on gambling for this post. You sound so down, if I could give you a hug I would.

Instead, tell me something positive about yourself. Something you like about yourself or something you're good at or something you are proud of or something that is interesting about you.

Don't tell me there's nothing, everyone has something. Do you play an instrument? Or are you good at drawing? Can you sing? Do you have nice teeth? Or eyes? Or glasses (I have cool specs - get loads of compliments on them) Are you good at a sport? Do you have any tattoos? Or piercings? Are you polite? Well mannered? Are you tall? Did you get good grades at school? Or Uni? Have you abseiled? Or been in a canoe? Have you visited somewhere exotic? Tell me something about Jopski the person, not Jopski the gambler.

I don't believe you are as bad a person as you think you are.

Take care my friend and I look forward to your reply (but I'm absolutely not accepting that there is nothing!)

Jess

Hello everyone. Im 32 years old and ive been gambling for the last 15 years. I must have lost up to this point around 50-60k. I dont know how to describe on how i feel. How bad i feel. I am currently experiencing the worst period of my life ...lost control. Lost the "value" of money since i am placing bets of 1000 and 2000 and 3000 on any sports events like playing lotto. I lost 20.000 in 2 weeks. I feel despaired and suicidal. I am married and i have two babies. 1 million thoughts are around my stupid head. I dont know what to do. I just want to get rid of this illness and have an normal happynl family life. I am really depressed and desperated. Please help

Hintline

I think you must have meant to start your own thread but inadvertently you posted it on my thread instead.

I know how you are feeling as I have been there many times before. I'm not perhaps the right person who can give you the appropriate advice just now as I'm in the process of recovery. But perhaps it's best if you maybe delete this thread and repost on the main forum where other members can give u help and support.

Take care Jopski

I Wish

Thank you for your kind words and advice. I'd wished I'd never gambled in the first place or ever set foot in a bookies. I guess hindsight is a good thing.

I can't sleep today just woke up a couple of mins ago sweating. I'm in tormoil it seems and I can't figure out a way out of the mess I've got myself into.

I spoke to my friend to ask him for a loan and it seems he has given some to his mother in law to go back to HK. His wife isn't working so he has one less wage. This made me guilty in many ways as I should have thought about the circumstances before I gambled away all this money. He said he could give me a loan in a couple of weeks but I told him to forget it. I got myself into this mess and so I will need to get myself out of it.

380 pounds is what I gambled...50 pounds left in one account, 40 pounds my mother gave to me for Xmas, 100 pounds of hard earned eBay sales and 190 worth of JSA payments. I feel physically sick I gambled away what little money I have...

In the scheme of things 380 is a lot in Jopski's world. I hate what a monster this disease has created. It's stupid I walked into McDonald's three times this week to treat myself for being 40 days gambling free and walk out each time thinking it's a luxury I can do without. And within 3-5 hours I've blown away 380 pounds. It's so irrational to the point of crazy.

I hate myself so much I'm a loser in more ways than one. I've struggled so long being unhappy working in the family business. Now I'm no longer working my sense of self worth and loathing has magnified itself a thousand times. I feel a sense of hopelessness and dread about the future. The counselling in a sense worked but I ran out of things to talk about in the end. Perhaps in my mind I thought I was cured? I knew I wasn't and I admitted this to the counsellor. Having a dream about gambling and watching YouTube videos about people on FOBT. They only show the wins not the losses.

I've not got much in the scheme of things...my health but I think eventually I'll either lose this. I'm waking up most nights covered in sweat. I have a few close friends who know my situation. I have never asked them for money ever. They have always offered and I have always declined. My mother has always been my biggest advocate and I hate what I've put her through. Previously she has always defended me until she found out I gambled. I have never been my father's favourite son and I have never done what he expected me to. Finally I have a beautiful gf who really cares for me and also is harsh as well. She is white and a single mother all qualities my parents hate. She's been there for the good times and now for the bad times. She has hurt me in the past and I have forgiven her because I love her. I don't see her much as she has a full time job which she may lose due to council cutbacks and her son is just now coming to terms that I can stay over in the spare room.

I always have to think about these things as otherwise in despair and when all hope is lost I would do something stupid. Taking my own life is not the way but like a seductive mistress it always whispers in my ear. Sometimes when people are desperate they do desperate things. A customer I knew once a really nice guy with a wife and two kids. Hung himself when his wife left him. Another customer daughters fiance hung himself on Xmas day and another customer hung himself also on Xmas when he was caught drunk driving and would subsequently lose his job. The most famous customer I had was a 80s pop star who used come on the shop. He subsequently went missing and they found him dead in a hotel room in Hawaii.

All morbid thoughts I know but I need to fight these feelings. Can IВ be gambling free for more than 40 days? Can I ever find a job so that I don't claim JSA. I'm always the youngest and most ethnic person signing on. I feel downbeat most of the time when I'm in the job centre. I want to settle down with my gf against my parents wishes and have a family. But I can't if I cannot stop my addiction.

Not all the pieces make sense but perhaps it will. People say let go of the losses but I need to remember on 10/01/15 I gambled 380 pounds. I need to have it etched in my mind I cannot win ever.

Today I have been 1 day gambling free!

Morning jopski

Well done to you for getting through a very hard day one.

Can't add much more to NTs lovely post to you, so I will just say, you are not on your own in this hell, keep posting and keep reading, and take care of you.

Suzanne xx

JM24 Thanks for you kind words and yes I will reply as soon as I can...

Today has been Day 3 Gambling Free!

Thank you NT and I Wished for your kind words and support its good to know that I have support here with other individuals that understand what I'm going through. This illness that all affects us all in many ways yet connects us together.

Everyday should be like the first day of recovery and I should not be complacent and expect myself to be cured and temptation is only around the corner in the form of these bookies and the dreaded FOBTS. Since I have had this addiction the number of these bookies have increased. There only used to be two in my home town and since then another two have sprung up within a 2 min walk from the longest serving bookie. Maybe to capitalise on its success and to take away customers. I dreaded the day I walked into William Hills and played these devil machines as they have ruined my life. The previous government I think are to blame lifting the restrictions on these and making casino games more accessible. At least in a Casino you have more restrictions or criteria before they let u in and not many towns have casinos. I used to watch a Youtube channel by a guy called James Petherick called Diary of Complusive of a Complusive Gambler and it was helpful but it's no longer available. I guess he succumbed to the illness again and because it was so public probably decided he no longer wanted to be in the limelight. I could argue until I'm blue in the face about the rights and wrongs but one thing is sure I cannot be complacent and think I'm cured. Like a J****E once I take a hit I will always want it again but there is only one winner and that is the Bookmakers.

I went home this weekend and yesterday I went with my parents to the hospital as my father is possibly getting a cataract operation. He went to see the consultant and they provided a translator. The woman asked my parents what I did and there was awkward silence when she asked a second time and my mother said I was unemployed as the shop was just recently sold. In our culture it's all about saving face and the stigma attached to gambling is so shameful that not many families will admit it. Not sure but the Chinese community in my home town is quite small and there has been a lot of people affected by gambling. There is a guy called X his father left him the takeaway business and in the end he gambled it away. Or my dads friend S who if he never gambled would have been a very wealthy man. Instead he has to scrimp and save. These are the ones that we know about not sure if I'm classed with them as well. Not sure if the ethos of us being so hardworking means that we are fallible to the temptations of gambling. If anyone is interested Sweet Mandarin by Helen Tse explores this. I suppose all my life I found it hard to adjust to being the outsider. My parents came over to this country with so little and worked hard all their lives. So they can't understand or will ever know why but they don't seem to understand u just can't turn it off like a light switch.

It's been 13 days now and the last 2 weeks have been a bit difficult for me, struggling financially due to my own wrong doing and having the lack of energy or positivity to do anything.

It has been a struggle to live on what I had but I managed to scrape through with what I have and hopefully some JSA payment today will keep me just above the water. Since then I realized I have been very stupid as more unexpected bills have come to light in this month. The guttering in the flat has been damaged by a loose slate and if the flat wasn't four storeys high I would have tried to help fix it but I will have to incur one fourth of the cost of the repairs. I received a council tax demand a couple of days ago but I have managed to make arrangements to pay it off in instalments. Then yesterday I received the bills for the gas and electricity and I have to check whether the estimated readings are accurate. Then on top of that I have the car MOT and insurance in the following months to pay.

I'm currently back home whilst my youngest brother has come back from NZ for a job interview in the UK. Most people would say why don't you ask him for help but I did. About 4 months ago he gave me a loan of money and of course I abused his trust and used it to GAMBLE. I cannot expect him to help me out when he already has done enough and now my addiction has come to light again he will not help me.

Of course being back at home is not beneficial to my mental well being but being cooped up for days on end in the flat isn't either. I just don't have the energy or positivity to do other things. Being back at home I get constantly berated for the amount that I'd lost and negative comments. "You could have bought a AUDI with what you lost"? "You could have went on holiday for a couple of months" "You could have lived off that money for a couple of months".

I cannot change the past, I cannot recoup the money but I can only change things within my control.

Hi Jopski,

I understand that the comments your parents are making come across derogatory, but can you maybe view them in a different light? I often think back to how much money i have lost over the years and what i could have done with that money (i too have been suckered in by FOBT's thinking i knew how to structure my bets and when they would pay out etc etc).

For example;

The statement "You could have went on holiday for a couple of months" can be turned, by yourself, into "if you save a little every now and then, you can go on holiday in a couple of months". Albiet it may not be the holiday you want, but it could turn out to be the holiday you need. In the life of a compulsive gambler, saving up to purchase something can bring fulfillment and meaning to your recovery. This is something i tried when i last had a decent period of being gamble free and it was a great tool in the arsenal for fighting the urge to gamble. When the urges came, i managed to focus on how much i had saved and how far i had to go. The thought of blowing all i had saved, at the time, banished the thought of gambling.

The bills will continue to come through your postbox, but by remaining gamble free you are now in a position to tackle them and not hide from them.

Good luck with your recovery and be proud of yourself for your efforts up to now.

Thanks Reggie23 for your comment and perhaps it's possibly best if I try and tackle things one at a time instead of hiding from them. I think that is why I have not been so successful in tackling the addiction instead I always look for the easy way out or try and blame others. I can't answer the reasons why I'd gambled in the first place but subsquently when I came back to the family business it was about a lot of things.

The arguments my father made about me coming back to run the family business was that a) I could be my own boss make my own decisions and not fear being made redundant. b) Make far more money than I would working under my current job at the time. c) Learn the trade before my parents got old and were unable to teach me.

Subsquently what happened was my parents controlled everything yet when my brother was made redundant from his job he didn't help out as much. Because of my addiction they restricted my access to money but instead gave me a stipend of £50 a week yet when my brother helped out a couple of hours he got paid that but didn't have to do the 10-11 hours per day I did. He eventually emigrated to Australia and made a life there. After a while I resented that and the fact that they tried to control other factors in my life. They tried to introduce me to Chinese girls with the possibility that I would settle down and become focused on the business. I rejected this idea as it was always what they wanted and never what I wanted. I never got to make any decisons of my own but ultimately it was all down to their say.

Perhaps this control made my addiction worse but perhaps contributed to my delusional way of thinking and fuelled the gambling? I resented the fact that my brothers were never made to work and take over the family business...I was deemed not to have a good future in their eyes so perhaps running the family business was a good prospect. I left a £21k a year 9-5 job plus bonuses to work in a takeaway doing 11 hours 6 days a week for £50 a week. I resented the fact that my parents always put my younger brothers first and they never appreciated the sacrifices that I made. Gradually I realized that the business was making me miserable and I could not continue the way I was going. Working with them on a daily basis was hard as nothing positive was said to me but always negative stupid comments. It was like I made no impact and like aways I was compared to other people like his friends son who had such and such...well he was getting paid 10 times more than me a week of course he would. All this wore me down and at one point I was on anti depressants for several months.

All that is in the past now...I need to move on from this and try not to GAMBLE and look for the easy way out. The old me would be thinking yes I got JSA today lets try and double the money. But after living on cheap 18p noodles and tins of food I've realized how stupid and delusional this is. I could have done a lot of things with the money I'd lost but I need to learn from this and try to look at other solutions other than trying to win my way out my problems like i'd done in the past. As for my parents I cannot change the way they think or feel but sometimes it makes me think they value the sum I'd lost rather than their own son. They are frugal yes but to the point of being ridiculous. So when my father says I could have bought a AUDI I think no I couldn't have as you would have never let me buy that expensive a car as you always have the last say. When my mother says I could have went on holiday for several months I think of what would have happened. (Apparently my aunt wanted to introduce me to a girl there) and think I got a lucky escape. With regards to living on the money for several months they would NEVER have given me access to it freely.

Just now I need to concentrate on things one day at a time try to keep myself occupied with looking for jobs and trying to be positive everytime I get a rejection. I need to try and be positive when other people especially my parents try to wear me down with negative thoughts. I need to live my own life and to struggle on my own so if something happens I cannot blame other people. So what if my parents compare me to a HOMELESS BIG ISSUE SELLER? They talk about the amount that I gambled away in 6 years and I think to myself if it was a salary it would be no worse off if I was on the JSA.

I hope things will get better that I will recover and be the confident person that I'd used to be and not gamble again. I wish that even if I don't get a job that I love that I can be passionate about other things. FInd someone that accepts me for what I am and have a family of my own choosing rather than take the path that others want me to take.

I can only pray for this and the fact that I will recover taking each day as it comes. That is all I can wish for and today I have been 13 DAYS GAMBLE FREE!

A lot of anger & resentment towards your parents is obvious from your post. Our emotions govern our behaviour as addicts so we need to understand them & how they make us react. When we come to understand the drive to use we are then in a position to find other less destructive solutions to our pain. Easy no! Worth it yes!

It's been day 14 gambling free and just when things couldn't get any better I'd received a letter from the Accountant saying that I will need to finish all the shop accounts for the last 2.5 years by 31/01/15 otherwise I will incur a £100 penalty.

I have known since August and perhaps for the last 2.5 years that I needed to keep the accounts up to date but I always have put it off. Partly because my parents always were on my case about it and the fact that the more they went on about it the more I tended to switch off. The business was in my name and I had control of the business bank account but apart from that I didn't have control of anything else. I suppose I've always resented that fact and perhaps in my mind I was thinking why should I do the accounts when it should be them that should be doing it. So since August they have been nagging me and I have been trying to bury my head in the sand like a ostrich. They were saying that it was more important than finding a job yet the circumstances I was in my mind wasn't in it.

Like having a Gambling Addiction with a third major relapse and then my parents finding out and emptying any accounts that I had so I wouldn't gamble not be able to pay any tax or accountant's bills. But some of it was my own fault as some of the money that was ear marked I used to replace money from other accounts and vice versa. Throwing me out so I had to move to a town about a hour away and find my own feet in claiming JSA and counselling with varying degrees of success. Being depressed for days on end and having no motivation to do things and staying in bed trying to hide away from the world. I suppose in my mind I thought f**k it!!! Why do the accounts when I don't have the money to pay the Tax or Accountant my parents have said that it's my fault so not their problem. I went to the Citizens Advice and they advised me in NOV that I should have try to make arrangements with both IR and the Accountants in trying to pay them off. But I have been putting it off as usual.

So I guess I can't bury my head in the sand any longer and have to tell the Accountant of my circumstances and try and finish what I can. I can submit realistically one year (That year i was already late but the accountant submitted a estimate and I was supposed to send the accounts before the deadline) before the deadline and the subsquent 1.5 years I will have to try and finish asap. It's mind numbing work I guess and I guess that's why I have been putting it off for a while. If I have to incur a £100 penalty then I will have to but just worried that these will mount up the longer I take.

I suppose for a long time I've been trying to avoid things rather than try and confront them head on. But with council tax, utility bills, house repair, car MOT and repairs and now TAX and Accountant fees it looks like things are insurmountable. Unless I realistically get a job before all this my JSA isn't going to cover all this.

So I worry and worry but I suppose it was like a revolving circle with the main thing gambling. Hindsight is a great thing as I always say if I knew this I wouldn't have ever been in this position. I hope I will overcome these obstacles and come out the other side of the dark tunnel.

I can only pray for this and the fact that I will recover taking each day as it comes. That is all I can wish for and today I have been 14 DAYS GAMBLE FREE!

PS. If anyone has any advice I would appreciate it.

Hi Jopski,

First off, we'll done on 14 days.

Regarding the accounts, it seems like a mammoth task and I've no doubt it is, but it has to be done. It doesn't matter how long you put it off, it isn't going to disappear unfortunately. Bite the bullet and start this afternoon. I'm sure it'll seem like a chore and I'm sure it will keep bringing home how destructive gambling has been to you ...but remember gambling CAN NOT fix this. Only you can.

Take care my friend

Jess

P.S I'm still waiting for you to tell me something positive about yourself (I still don't believe you haven't thought of anything)

Today would have been 22 days that I would been gambling free but I have to be honest and reset the counter to zero.

Haven't really thought about gambling as such I went back home and spent a week with my family as my brother came back temporarily for a job interview in England. He's currently working in New Zealand and he's the youngest and the perfect son whilst I'm the black sheep of the family. Whilst at home I did more job searching and managed to apply for more jobs.

Today I sucumbed again to gambling and this time I drove down to see my gf as she was on a night out and was supposed to meet me at 9.30pm. She still lives in my home town whilst I live 40 miles away. I waited until 11.30 in a supermarket car park then I text her and said I would go home as I could no wait no longer. Being angry I stopped off at a service station and hoping that she would text or phone me I waited in the car park. Then after 20 mins I went in and of course there was fruit machines and before you know it I had ploughed £48 into one with no return. I realized what I was doing and stopped and then drove back home and drank a whole bottle of prosecco which I bought for us. I think the drink numbs the feeling of guilt that I feel just now

I realized that I cannot ever control myself when it comes to gambling and when stressful situations arise and opportunities for me to gamble present themselves I cannot stop myself. I should have NOT stopped at the service station. I should not have played the fruit machines. I keep thinking £48 could have paid for one of my utility bills instead I gambled it away when I faced a stressful situation. I'm afraid of not being able to stop, being ever unemployed and having a family or normal life. I don't know why I paid the fruit machines as the return is even worse than those dreaded FOBTS.

Just now sitting with a glass of prosecco perhaps it is better to numb those feelings with drink rather than face the facts that I am a complusive gambler. A gambler who never wins and will always be the eternal LOSER.

Today I reset the clock and I have not gambled today it's a shame I can't reset my mind not to gamble.

Dear Jopski,

I am very moved by your diary. I can see what a horrific time you have had.

How are you doing? Are you now 4 days gamble free?

Let us know.

Best,

Mark