I need to stop before I destroy myself and everything around about me... :(

Thanks Mark for your message of support and it has been 17 days since Ive last gambled and to be honest I cannot say things have been easy and that I had no thoughts of gambling in my head.

I have periods of time when I do think of the situation that I am in and think of the past where I sought solace in the arms of gambling to get out of it. Only yesterday I’d walked past the bookmakers and thought of my current financial situation and thought of a time when I went in a bookmakers with £60 and came out with £980. But sense prevailed and I’d walked past several bookmakers on the way home without a glance but everywhere there is temptation and later passing the corner shop I saw the national lottery sign. I didn’t buy a lottery ticket but thought if I had treated the FOBT like I did lottery tickets then I wouldn’t need to gamble the huge amounts and chased the huge losses. Hindsight is a great thing and my counsellor has told me not to dwell too much in the past.

I’d watched a programme last night on BBC player called the GIFT and the subject of bullying affected me (I was bullied at school but it was caught early on by a kind art teacher who noticed and stopped it) and I could understand why when the bullied asked the bully why me he could not answer. It is the same with me and I cannot answer honestly why I gambled.

Counselling has been good for me and I have attended every session religiously for the last couple of weeks and though it may not have answered all my questions. It is theraputic to talk to someone who doesn’t judge me for what has happened and to just listen. I have good days and I have bad days in my life just now. Good days consists of confronting whatever troubles I have on my life on and bad days is when I don’t have the will to get out of bed and stay in mostly sleeping. Financially it has not been easy and I have struggled with money and at times my account has been close to empty but selling things here and there on eBay has helped me a little and got me out of the house

I have been for another 2 interviews and unfortunately I did not progress past the compentency based interview part. Have been to skills development but the person that was supposed to be giving me support/coaching seems to always been busy. Told me to email possible compentency based questions and my answers and he did say they were okay. But unfortunately the interviewers had used others questions I had not prepared for so it was difficult but I did try my best.

Since then I have not been at home either as the last visit coinciding with my interview did not end well and it was with my parents and I having a argument about the bookkeeping for the shop which I am slowly trying to do. Peppered along with negative comments about my gambling/life/etc you get the picture. It is better that I am not living at home as tensions would rise all the time. I know one other person with a similar background and in the end they cut their parents out of their lives. I am not strong just now to do that and I seem to be stuck in limbo unemployed and without any future.

I tried to become a positive person but I think gradually it has been worn down by my parents and any confidence that I had has eked away a long time ago. My parents are not bad people but I have been affected by the way they have tried to control me and the clash of cultures. If I knew what I know now and if you would have asked me 6 years ago whether I should come back to the family business I would say no. I made a judgement based on money and when it gradually dawned on me that I would not be getting that it made me angry. From having a good salary per month to getting 6 times less. (Maybe I perceived that I was getting screwed by them over as at the time it was more in their interest that I came back) Also the fact at the time they tried to get me to meet other Chinese girls with the aim that I would be cured of the gambling when I had a wife and kids. In my mind this was deluded as they said she didn’t have to be good looking but as long as she worked hard that was the main thing. I never accepted their reasoning and I never wanted to do what they wanted. I made no decisions in the business or my life so why should I agree to this. I know they worried about me and wanted me settled with a family but this was the wrong way in my eyes. At the time I met my gf who was not Chinese, had a child and a former schoolmate of my younger brother. They didn’t like this choice and my father would say I would not leave my inheritance so your secondhand goods and her b*****d will spend my hard earned money. They tried once again when I went on my first holiday in 6 years which they grudgingly paid for and tried to set me up once again. Bar aside the matchmaking the holiday wasn’t good. As when I came back all I got was blame and blame for things that happened during the holiday.

Today is Chinese New Years Eve and it is probably the first time I have not spent it with them. I just hope the year of the RAM will be a good year for me.

Hi Jopski.

Glad to see you back. I cannot imagine how difficult a time this must be for you right now.

I am not sure that urging you to stay strong is really going to help. But what I would say is that if you do abstain, things should get better, and they if do not, at least they will not be made worse by gambling.

Out of experience I know this recovery is a very slow painstaking thing. Normally when one decides to stop it is because they have gambled their very last penny and therefore cannot gamble. The guilt and shame is compounded by not having any money to do necessary and normal things.

Well done on 18 days without a bet. This is in itself a great achievement. I know this recovery process is very slow and without the support of your parents will be all the more difficult. Having read your diary, your parents strike me as very heavy handed and I hesitate to say abusive. There is no excuse for abuse however from what you say have been hurt many a time. Just as you are feeling hopeless righty now, your parents are quite possibly feeling the same. Could it possibly be that if you can take stock of your life and abstain from gambling long enough to show your parents that you can turn your life around that they may believe it themselves and accept you?

My own thread is called The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists. This is because my trousers were, for a long time worn, as in the past, I would have rather bet a pony on sport rather than buy a cheap but smart pair of trousers. Like a true philanthropist I would totally let myself go and would give all of my hard earned case to the bookies. Not any more. I am only abstinent for a few weeks but my life is a little, but remarkably better.

The point of this is the very first lot of money that came my way after I stopped gambling were spent on a new pair of trousers and some body wash! I had a haircut,a shave, a long soak and then put on my new pair of trousers. I felt clean and tidy inside and out and this gave me just a little more confidence and pride in myself. My colleagues and family around me have noticed the difference and I am being treatedly seriously and have more support.

This may seem a silly anecdote but all I am saying is that when we devote all of our lives to our addiction, we pay little attention to ourselves. We let ourselves go and the negativity that emanates from us reflects back on us from those around us. This does nothing other to enforce the feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness that we harbour as compulsive gamblers.

Stay strong, do not gamble and try to look after "you" If you can feel better about yourself inwardly, you will have more strength to arrest your addiction and those around you will respond, hopefully one day your parents.

I am sorry that you have been unsuccessful with your job applications. Again, a "keep trying" urge will not likely help you. On a practical level have you spoken to someone to ensure that you are receiving all of the benefits to whih you are entitled as a jobseeker?

I am sorry if any of my commentary/advice is off the mark. I am not a councillor, but if any of my personal thoughts help you then great.

Take care of yourself.

Mark

Hi Jopski,

Its been a while since you've posted... how are you?

Mark

Yesterday would have been 153 days that I had been gambling free but the evil voice that lives in my head whispered to me. I was out with work colleagues and every single pub that we went to had no fruit machines. At the beginning of the night when I was relatively sober I could control myself and refrain from thinking about playing the fruit machine. But by the end of the night we entered a fairly busy pub with live music and I found the fruity in the corner. In no time I spent £30 in it and before long another £30 before I'd stopped. Today with this month's wages burning a hole in my pocket or rather in my account I stupidly went to l*******s one which I was not banned from which was less than 10 miles away. Thinking I could at least earn back the money I spend last night on the fruity. I won that amount fairly easily and should have left but the evil voice in my head told to play on. £200 down I went to the cash machine and withdrew another £100 and when that was gone I put another £200 on my card. When I was down to my last £10 I withdrew that and bought 2 scratchcards which I didn't win anything on. On the drive back home the voice wanted me to withdraw the rest of the money that I'd had left from my wages which was £500. I fought it and I felt violently sick and suicidal about how I couldn't fight this addiction.

I have been struggling a long time on very little money being on JSA and scrimping and saving to make ends meet at times. When I got this job offer I virtually had no savings so had to borrow money here and there to tide me over until we got paid 6 weeks later. When I got paid I was frugal and didn't spend much just paid some people back and bought some clothes and had a haircut. Perhaps this frugality is the very same thing that made me want to get back the inital £60 that I'd lost from the night before. But that has snowballed from there to the fact that I'd wanted to win it back but I have ended blowing half of my wages again. The voice in my head is whispering to me the fact that I should go back and try to win the money that I'd lost but I am trying to fight it today along with a hangover. The other voice in my head is telling me that I am useless and I am a loser and that I should just end it now...

I have been attending my counselling sessions regulary and though it has helped, the sessions have become less and less as weeks have gone by. I will have to tell the counsellor that I'd relapsed again and I feel so ashamed of the situation I carelessly put myself back into. That £560 could have been a iPhone that I've been wanting to buy but I just couldn't stop myself. I felt so angry with myself and with the way things have happened that I'd wished I could get a crowbar and smash the machines up. But to what purpose would that serve as I would have a criminal record and it would affect my job where such things would mean I would be unemployed. I will have to think of additional ways to earn that money back but not through GAMBLING!!! Perhaps sell some sentimental items to remind myself this is what gambling does to you.

My name is Jopski and I am a complusive gambling addict and tomorrow will be 1 day gambling free.

Jopski,

Good to see you back. Sorry about the reason.

As ever you are being incredibly hard on yourself.

150+ gamble free days is excellent. You should be proud on your acievement and not dwell on your slip.

Now you know you can do it, get back on the bike and keep pedalling. The terrain is hilly (especially in Scotland) but we are all here to give you that push.

Do not look back. Focus on what you can do with the next 150 days. Well done mate.

Mark

It has been a while since I was back on here. I'm afraid I have to stop the clock at zero again. Things were going great I had just found a job. And the counselling was going great. Within that time I had relapses but nothing major. But before long I started to believe that I was cured. The counselling ended due to the allocated budget being used up. I had relapses and I eventually self excluded from all of the bookies within a 30 mile radius. Then things happened I split up with my girlfriend and the job became stressful. To compensate for that I started drinking heavily and when that happened I started playing the pub fruit machines. Then it progressed from my friend taking me to the casino. I started playing the roulette and within 2 weeks I started to make up my losses. But of course gambling in the long run there's only gonna be one winner. So eventually I've lost all the winnings plus lost an additional ВЈ500. I've decided today to self exclude from the casino and for the long run its probably the best thing to do. I would have ended up going back there again to try and win my losses. I was £200 up but I wanted more and more wins. When I lost half of my money I decided to leave and I self excluded by speaking to the manager. I was then physically sick outside the casino.

I tried GA but I found it too claustrophobic and thought I could handle my condition better myself. I guess not I suppose. The people were friendly but I think I should give it another go.

Hi Jopski,

I have read all of your diary and I really feel for you. From what I have read you sound like you are often uphappy with your life and very hard on yourself. To me you sound like a nice guy who has had some bad luck, and has succoumbed to an affliction you havent been able to get out of. I feel like your situation is causing your relapse. I definitely think you need help to talk through your problems, I see that you had counselling and it worked, and maybe it is that void that has caused the relapsing, especially as I am sorry to hear your relationship ended.

I think GA is a great idea, and you should post more often on here, at the very least it will help you to keep reminding yourself that you are not alone and not a loser. There are many amazing people on this site, they are not losers and neither are you. It is an affliction which is very very hard to beat. I am sure you can get there.

James

Today has been the first day that I haven't gambled yet the demons that plagued me won't go away. I keep thinking about the huge win that I had on one roulette table. But I realise that if I kept on going I would have been unable to stop the addiction so the best thing was the self exclusion. At the point when I had the huge win I should have stopped yet I kept on going and going being more greedy and then when I lost I kept trying to win it back to the original win amount. It was a vicious cycle which I couldn't get out off and I am a complusive gambler and I have a addiction.

I have seen this cycle many times before I would build up small wins and when I have a hefty sum I would gradully lose it all. It's like I am unable to stop as the inner greed demon inside me pushes me to play more and stake more to the point where I lose everything. I have self excluded from most places in the town apart from the bingo and the few pubs that have fruit machines so I have to be guarded and try to keep clean,

Welcome back and well done for coming back.

Keep strong, you can do this, don't listen to those thoughts they tell catastrophic lies, :)) time for you now,

Suzanne xxx

I haven't been on this site for quite a while as a lot of things happened between when I last posted my diary. The demons that have plagued me have not gone away but they have merely lingered in the background. A lot of things have happened since I'd last posted and yet I have struggled with the addiction never beating it but merely just trying to control it but yet it has controlled me.

Since I last posted my relationship with my partner broke up as she met someone else and I took it badly. I didn't gamble at the time but I did spend more time drinking. I couldn't get over the fact that we were never going to be together and that we had no future together. Instead of leaving me alone she wanted to keep a relationship with me but as friends which I could not do because of the emotional attachment. I medicated with alcohol and to some extent I didn't gamble as much only the fruit machines at the pub. This then progressed to going round the corner to recover the losses at the local 24/7 fruit machine parlour. This went on for a few months which resulted in me always being in my overdrawn in my overdraft for the last 2-3 months. Last month I realised that I needed to stop so I've self excluded myself from the 24/7 fruit machine parlour. I was meaning to do it but I was deluded and thought that I could put it off. So this month I thought I would be able to control myself so to some extent had some money left but when I was at the pub nearby. I went to the bookmakers which I previously self excluded from and no one stopped me so it set off a chain of events. I won money and as you know ultimately there is only one winner and that is the start of the addiction again. So from £80 I doubled my money today and I'd walked away. But due to the loneliness and boredom I went back to try and win more money of course at one point I was £80 up again. I then proceeded to lose everything and then went next door to the cash machine and withdrew all the money I had left to keep me in the black for the next 2 weeks. At this point I didn't care about the money but I should have. I wanted to self destruct and I proceeded to lose the remaining £300 that I have left.

I went home with empty pockets and I felt so depressed and miserable that I couldn't stop and I realised at this point that I needed to ultimately stop. On top of this my parents have been asking me why I haven't had any savings left after working a year and 3 months. I suspect that they know that the addiction hasn't gone away and if I don't stop then ultimately I will destroy myself. Plus I have to save up for a trip to Australia, New Zealand and Hong Kong in April and if I don't start now then I will never be able to go.

Phoned Gamcare to try and get more counselling but the person at the end of the line was so robotic and unhelpful that I gave up in the end. I'd phoned them before when I self excluded from the 24/7 Fruit Parlour and the advisor was very helpful and was going to refer me to the counselling place. I think I need to find the underlying reason why I am gambling again perhaps it is to fill a void to fill the loneliness that my ex partner left. And perhaps I will never find it again and perhaps I will end up being lonely and alone for the rest of my life. Perhaps it is the fact that I havent achieved anything of worth and I'm stuck in a dead end job that is just passing time and not achieving my dreams. Or simply the fact that I am a complusive gambler and I will never be able to just have a flutter but instead I have to self destruct and lose everything.

Tomorrow is another day and I need to stop thinking that I can win from gambling and I am almost there but perhaps I need to look at more counselling, attending GA and perhaps having steps in place to stop me being tempted again. As every month I am in my overdraft before I even get paid and I am playing catch up. I am Jopski and I am a complusive gambler and today is the start of me being gambling free.

Your last post comes across as very much self pitying and blaming everybody else for what has happened to you. Not saying this so much to be critical as to point out that your self pity and projected blame don't help you. If it's all everyone else's fault, then you don't need to change, it's not you who is doing anything wrong and of course you can't make everything around you change. That's addict logic and total nonsense! The reality is that your situation will change when you do everything that you need to do to help yourself, for your own sake. That means all financial and SE barriers that you can get in place (no loopholes) plus GA and/or counselling.

It's not what has happened to you, because you're not totally passive. It's what you've done and the addict-led choices that you've made. Your girlfriend may well have met someone else but the gambling and possibly drinking let her down and contributed to the breakup of the relationship and you will only start to recover when you accept responsibility for your own actions. re the staff at GC, it's not staffed by one person, you could try calling at a different time. And you should realise that you may not like what you are being advised but the GC counsellors are trained and experienced and they do know what they're doing. Finally, your situation is unique but the addiction isn't, read round the forum and go to meetings, most CGs describe similar.

CW