Im not sure what ill really write in here but I will be completely honest with both myself and anyone who is bored enough to read my rubbish.
Im not really sure why I gamble, I enjoy the thrill of the bet regardless of the return and I also enjoy the strategic elements to it when attempting to outwit the bookies but something never quite sat right with me. I have won silly amounts and felt elated for hours, my mood clearly lifted by the chemicals that betting releases. I have also dealt with the crushing lows whether that be several thousand pounds on an 'unlucky' bet or spending the last of my money on a 'sure thing', only to see it lose and push me further into the depths. I have felt genuinely suicidal at times, often weighing up the pros and cons of my own demise but never quite working up the courage to take my plans into action. Whilst these moments in reality are fleeting, at the time they feel like my whole world has boiled down into a single choice regarding my life. Thankfully for me, the pros to living in my notepad have always given me at least a glimmer of hope.
I have borrowed money from loved ones, lost it then borrowed again often with an elaborate lie to cover this up followed by excuse after excuse. I have raided my savings (which now dont exist) and sold prized possessions to fund my sordid little hobby. It took me over a decade to tell anyone the true extent of my problems but the signs have been clear to me for a long time, I just chose to ignore them.
Having gone through the torture of 'quitting' last time (and the time before that etc etc) and the unique emotional agony that accompanies relapsing and sitting in a heap with not a penny to my name, Ive decided enough is enough.
What I want is holidays with my partner, walks in the park without checking my phone for football scores, meals without worries about whether Arsenal have scored and to hold my head high when people ask what I do on my time off. I want to be able to save. I want to pay off my debts. I want to earn back trust. The urge to gamble is HUGE but I want to defeat this.
So, now I have decided that I will post my thoughts initially each day about how im coping (or not coping) with my decision to quit gambling.
So here goes.
The last time I gambled was on Saturday 03/12/16. I had to use a friends phone since I had blocked sites on my own phone (how noble of me). I had also placed 3 football coupons on and fisted a ten pound note into a fixed odds machine because the advertising looked cool and im a sucker for flashing lights.
Sunday 04/12/16 wasnt the hardest day to abstain since I slept for almost the entire day due to drinking to excess and feeling sorry for myself but abstain I did. (One day, woop!) Loads and loads of horribly vivid dreams though, including pulling glass out of my mouth/throat. (w*f?)
Monday 05/12/16 was pretty tough. I work from 0800 until 2000 in a pretty demanding job and my concentration was really lacking during some fairly important discussions. I was bitter and angry and I wasnt really sure why. I logged into Gamcare and began reading stories of peoples success then ultimately of others struggles. I hid my computer screen and phone screen incase anyone should see as Im embarassed to be a problem gambler (sorry if that sounds arrogant, I am truly embarassed and ashamed of my actions surrounding gambling). I attempted to use the live chat function to talk to someone about counselling but my lunch break was over before I knew it and the session was terminated. I think I really would like counselling but it also bloody terrifies me!
Tuesday 06/12/16 I had training at work today and attempted to tackle this to stop my mind wandering to gambling again and again. During one group exercise I was unable to focus as I was thinking about the euphoria I feel when a goal is scored in my favour and a bet is coming in. Funny that I never automatically day dreamed about the bad times first eh? Over the course of the day I have thought of approximately 5 different ways to gamble and get around my blocks and will power and im ashamed to say I came bloody close. I did however manage to run a bath and jump in so that I wasnt able to get ready quickly and go to the bookies which should afford me time to consider my actions. Tuesday night, Champions League night. I love football but man do I love throwing money away on it also. This is proper hard and im struggling but I need to get through this day at least. Maybe I should look into counselling again? Ive also just realised Ive had a massive conversation with myself now. Ah well, Ill update later or tomorrow.
TGP, Gamcare offer free counselling over several weeks if you're serious about wanting to stop. This isn't normal counselling, this is Gamcare (and partners) counselling. I'm on it. Worth a try if you're fed up with how things are and truly want to stop; I've a feeling you've reached that point. Why not give yourself a break, cash in your pocket and have a decent Christmas for a change!
Hi mate,
You're not speaking to yourself. I'm on day 26 and try to post every day, it does help getting your feelings out there.
I, like you am embarrassed and ashamed to be a compulsive gambler. However also like you, the good thing is ive realised I have a problem and it's time to do something about it.
I'm watching Soccer Special right now and actually feel quite relaxed knowing that it doesn't matter who scores or how many as I have no money riding on it. Even if I did win tonight, I would lose it tomorrow anyway.
I used to believe tipsters on social media that would say that champions league is great for betting on, but the Europa league was a nightmare. They're all a nightmare as we don't have crystal balls, how on earth do we know what's gonna happen.
Anyway, keep posting, you're certainly not alone.
TheGreatPanic - that's some post as it reasonates so much with my own situation. Crazy how many similarities there are in that post. I wish you the best and I'll be following / subscribing to your thread.
Thanks for the replies guys. I ended up not watching the football and feeling pangs of guilt when i looked at the final scores despite not placing a bet.
I chose instead to spend time with the mrs and watch some guff on tv.
Hopefully tomorrow is a little easier.
Hi TGP, welcome to the forum 🙂
There seem to be 2 quite distinct starts for most of us here, some find the early days a breeze, others not so. Me, I took to my bed for 3 days! When I came out of that fog, I too spent time & effort planning how to get round my blocks, trying to convince my now husband of future plans to gamble & figuring out how to deal with the abject shame of having allowed gambling to take over my life. You did good tonight & it will get easier but there will be ruddy big bumps, nay mountains to climb if you are wanting to come out of this as a normal person! Equally, as terrified as you are of counselling, you need to figure out a way to push through your fears because like me, you have realised that your way doesn't work. Counselling and/or GA are your best shot @ making this different to the zillions of attempts we both made before accepting help! My advice would be coming clean to anyone & everyone that has ever encouraged you to gamble & that includes everyone who has ever loaned you a device to do it on! My self exclusions were equally noble & alone simply led me to waste my gambling tokens on petrol. The blocks serve a purpose alongside proper support in recovery though & having my gambling (Time-Money-Location, remove 1 & you cannot gamble) triangle broken by surrendering my finances was my saviour in the early days!
We cannot win because we cannot stop but every day we don't gamble we can be proud of something - ODAAT
Howdy.
Was pretty busy at work today, also trying to lose a bit of beef as ive let myself go a bit lately so had stuff to keep me occupied.
One of the lads asked me what i put on last night. 'Nothing mate' was my reply but he gave me a knowing look as if to say 'aye right'.
Got through to lunch time and on my phone I have a whatsapp group who were all posting pictures of their bets for the night etc. One of them was my mate who i gave money to place a bet for me on saturday. One part of me thought i should delete the group or announce my newfound sobriety and depart on my mighty steed, ,but i didnt.
Instead i just chatted away as normal because im going to be surrounded by temptation every day, hiding from it is only going to work for so long. Partly it was because i dont have a horse, mighty or otherwise.
I must admit, i did think of transferring money to this mate but instead i sat and worked out where i would spend this money instead. Coffee with the mrs and a nice scone would taste so much better if i was actually able to pay for it without having to admit id lost all my money again whilst sliding the bill over to her.
So i abstained. Checked the scores out of habit. I have barely a passing interest in football at thr moment. Im really hoping my love for the game wasnt just fuelled by my love for a gamble.
Anyways, Mrs is making meatballs so i should be safe tonight. Few weird dreams again no doubt. I actually think im withdrawing from gambling, what the actual f**k?
Day 4. Get in my belly.
Day 5 and a bit of day 6 in the big brother house.
Thursday was a little bit tough actually. The day started off fairly normal but as soon as I logged into my online banking I was thinking about how much was spare to stick on football later. I avoided temptation and actually chose to completely avoid any football related things for most of the day. On my break I had arranged to have a call back from a counselling team who operate near me and we set up a date for next week so im pretty chuffed at that although slightly nervous at the same time.
As I stated in a previous post, I share a whatsapp group with some colleagues, its called 'Cmon the coupons'. Totally what I needed to see on my tea break last night. Everyone posting pictures of their bets and asking for tips etc. We also do a shared coupon between seven of the lads at work and I was asked for my pic. Initially I stated Villa then quickly deleted it and instead said I would not be participating in this weeks coupon as I did not feel like it. They dont know that I hope to never put one on again but I guess this is a start, I saw my hurdle and kicked it out the way rather than giving in to my urge.
Today however, rather than thinking about betting and the fact that saturday is looming in the very near future, I have been worrying about payday and how hard this is going to be for me. Payday is traditionally the time when I would splurge large amounts of cash on just about anything that moves, festive period especially. Im just hoping I can get through the days in between and have gathered enough momentum and strength to get through this.
Ive been smashing in some extra shifts and hopefully this plus my new diet are contributing to my increased mood and also my massive tiredness levels just now. For the first time in probably months or years im actually looking forwards in a positive matter. Heres hoping I dont f**k it up!
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