I will be there for my wife and daughter

8thOct wrote: Day 101. I missed out on the opportunity to post on day 100 - busy boy with my little girls flat pack furniture. But here it goes, I wanted to put something a little more meaningful now I'm at a decent milestone. I have some good and bad feelings at the stage of my recovery. I'll start with the bad as I think it's key to stay positive to be be able to beat this addiction so we will end on a high and on the good points. So the bad being where I am in life. Where I am in life can be viewed two ways and when I look one way I feel so very lucky but on other days I feel I have missed out on so much and should be in a much better position than I am. I may be 100 days gamble free but I'm also one £20 bet in 322 days so I really feel that I've stepped away from gambling but I still feel the destruction that I caused and will do for perhaps many years both emotionally and financially. I have a little girl on the way and me and my Mrs are doing well with getting things ready, buying things etc but if I just didn't have my last binge or give up gambling x amount of time before I did I'd be in such a better place wouldn't have such worries about how I'll get the things I've had to get and what I'll have to get in the future, how I'm going to pay back the debt and still support my family. Lots of worries and I would have them all wether I was a gambling addict or I wasn't but knowing I'd be in a better place if I hadn't have gambled. Right I'm done talking negative, bottom line as much as it sucks I can't change the past. I can only make the best of what I have and what I have is pretty d**n good so I have to remember that and just remember if I stay off gambling I can still have all the things I've wanted even if it takes a little longer or is little harder to get than it may have been. So since I have not been gambling I have bought a lot for my unborn little Angel (please be an angel! Lol) some I've bought through my savings and some I've had to resort to the credit card but still I have managed to buy the necessary and will continue to do so. If I was gambling I don't see how I would've been able to buy the things I have atleast not without more loans or credit cards. Also I have put together furniture I have demolished our garden front and back and am still on the process of making it look how me and the Mrs would like. That has took a lot of hard work from a guy who isn't known for any manual labour and is a mile away for being anywhere near a gardener. So do I think if I was gambling I could have done that, I don't because I know how I feel when I gamble, if I'm placing or thinking about the bet or its ongoing I'm totally involved in that bet and nothing else matters and after the bet if it wins I'll be probably really investing and focusing on that next bet and if it loses I'll be depressed and have no motivation what so ever. So if I gamble I have no motivation, no will, no drive, it takes over everything. So with me gambling I jeopardise my families future in so many ways. With me gambling I can't see how I can be 100% there for my wife or my child. So much for positivity, I've been typing this in bits as I'm at work but overall I wanna say I have good and bad days as everyone does. I have regrets but bottom line I can't change anything so I have to look forward and I have so much to live for and to enjoy. I am a lucky guy - where it matters. I plan to keep working hard be it at work earning the money, buying the things we need and paying back the debt I'm determined to pay off or at home working hard improving the house, taking care of my family. It's a long road this road to recovery but it's the only road for a gambling addict to be on and I'm staying on it and I will see more and more benefits as time goes on. I will try to put my regrets to one side and live for now and the future and try to enjoy every minute. Thank you as always for giving me this place to say my piece and to help me along the road.

Congatulations on the 100 days. Its a good starting point for the rest of the journey. Well done on getting there. now push on 🙂

Day 136. That you for your comments. I don't write in my diary often but it's nice to know it's here. I am currently on the 2016 thread although not starting from Jan 1st. I'm on the 90 day challenge which I hope to complete beginning of October if I remember rightly.

Things are good. I don't wish to gamble, I am seeing so much positive change in my life and I know that, that would not have been possible with gambling in my life. I hate that I have outstanding debt and I believe that is my only door that keeps me open to gambling, as frustrations over money and the lack of may lead me back. I'm feeling strong in my resolve and don't believe I will gamble again but can not wait to clear that last piece of debt. I think in doing so it'll be a final goodbye to my gambling past. Unfortunately that day is a long way off but I know that, that day can only be reached by not gambling. I've tried time and again to find a shortcut but it turns out that road makes the journey a lot longer. So I will stay off gambling and week by week, month by month I will get that debt down. I think with a baby on the way some form of debt will always be hanging over me but as long as I can bring certain amounts down and zero'd I'll know the gambling errors are finished and behind me, my life will be slightly better financially and I can fully move on dare I say "cured" I don't think I'll ever take that attitude but I'll be able to life my life with less fear of self destruction and begin to enjoy it to its fullest.

As I keep saying, mainly to remind and convince myself but mistakes happen and can't be undone but you need to learn from them and make the future as good as it possibly can be.

That's what I plan to do, enjoy my future, do what I can to make my wife and daughters life as good as can be, correcting my wrongs and making my family proud.

Hey 8th oct a massive congrats to you on you gf days so far. I find your story/diary a great honest read. Your doing brilliantly and I'm sure you'll be a great dad 🙂 I think like most people on here we are filled with regret and even when we make the concious decision to stop we have the inevitable debt to deal with and sadly that doesn't disappear as quickly as it appeared. It's a long road back for many (myself included several credit cards,overdraft and two loans) and I totally get where your coming from regarding gambling to reduce it,however I know this isn't the answer and would only make it worse. Keep it up and together we can beat this 🙂

Thank you for your post New beginning, I was looking for a diary to reply to but couldn't find one. You should think about starting one, I don't post a lot but its nice to know its there and when I need to let out some frustration or have an urge I'll come and type away, sometimes I don't even post it but just typing it out gets out all my feelings and kills the urge. Or it can help by just reading previous posts and seeing how far you've come. Defintely any newer member reading this definitely worth starting a diary, stick around read and post, as I said i dont do to much now but did in my early days on here and it does help. Also challenge threads are great motivation in continuing your recovery and setting a goal.

I'm coming up on a quite a big milestone, kind of an un-official milestone but still very big and meaningful in my eyes. On the 25th August I will be one year gamble free - ok I'm on day 139 right now which is why its an un-official milestone. 139 days ago I stupidly had a £20 bet which I immediately regretted, felt horrible about, told my wife got my a**e kicked big time and was a big mistake but because I realised how stupid I was, confessed to the wife straight away, I didn't go back and have another bet, I had urges but I stayed strong and I'm proud that what could've resulted in a relapse was infact just a blip. So ignoring that blip I'm actually gamble free for 365 days come 25th Aug.

So I will give myself a pat on the back on the 25th but I also want to celebrate a proper untarnished year away from gambling and a true goodbye, forget about every bet I've had and look to the future, thats why the count as 139 and not 359 (except 1 bet). It drives me on once more and I know come 3rd April 2017 I will be a year gamble free and be so much the better for it, I already see my life changing.

Thats one thing I'd like to add to anyone giving up gambling is change your life while quitting and it'll motivate you to keep going. In the past I have given up gambling and used all my money to pay off debt wanting to clear everything and move on asap now that is fine to a point and I love that I'm paying off debt and taking responsibllity but you need to leave some money for you. Have a takeaway now and then, go out with family/friends. You don't need to spend like crazy but a treat now and then to show that if you stop gambling you'll have the time and the money for these treats. Try to get something for the home also say a new chair/table/tv whatever again just seeing improvements in your life will just make you think - while I was gambling I had nothing now i'm say 2 months off gambling and I'm getting a new tv. Depending on your situation it maybe that the treats and things round the house are bigger or smaller than the above and it doesnt matter, whatever they are they show your life improving and are a sign that you are changing. You may feel like I did (and still do occasionally) that you don't deserve the treats etc because of the damage the gambling has caused and while there is a little truth to that, for example if your in a relationship you shouldnt just be treating yourself but treat the girlfriend/wife and the both of you and also you do deserve it aswell as you should be proud that your changing your life, this isn't easy but yet it can be done and if your doing it be proud.

I'm by no means the finished article but have been around these pages a while now and think i've learnt a thing or two (learning most the hard way!) so I hope that there is something in this post to help or motivate in some way. I hadn't planned to type anything like this its just the direction my fingers took me. I do wish everyone that comes on here all the best in there recovery wether they are a member or not, post a lot or just browse now and then either way if your giving up gambling (firstly your not giving up anything- gambling sucks!) you should be proud of yourself and although I hope your recovery is easy and you never look back, it can be a bumpy road with some bumps bigger than others but don't turn around, keep going forward, learn from any mistakes and you'll get there. Every day, hour and minute away from gambling is worth it. Your life can and will be so much better without it.,

Best wishes to you all.

And you said you don't post much lol hope your well mate 🙂 yeah it's cathartic getting things down even if you don't post it. I don't have a diary,not sure why just felt a bit uncomfortable I guess. I think like a lot of people on the forum I dip in and out of people's diaries trying to take inspiration (from people like yourself) and also to learn about the pitfalls and keep it at bay. My downfall wasn't sports betting as I loved nothing better than a Wee footy coupon and a pint on a sat or maybe a lucky 15 on the nags but my trouble was going into a bookies to place it meant roulette! Sometimes I'd blow a £100+ and walk out with no coupon on after the pull of the fobt. In my head I still think I could put a Wee coupon on or a horse but I'm choosing the path of being 100% gamble free at the moment and that suits me just fine, besides I've self excluded from the bookies and online etc Like most people on here I've tried to stop before and failed and it kills me. The mental torture and anxiety of lying to people and juggling finances etc is just something I can't and won't go back to. I have a lot of debt to pay off but every month it goes down a little and for now I'm happy with that. My big challenge comes when I get paid next week but I feel good about it for a change. Who knows what the future may bring but for now I'm taking it one day at a time 🙂

One day at a time is just fine and those days certainly add up fast, do whatever works. I do think 100% non gambling is the way to go, I convinced myself many times to only bet on golf or only football etc but all leads back to a massive binge and a massive relapse. Its just not worth the risk and what are we really giving up, absolutely nothing. I don't think of it as quitting or giving up as I'm doing a good thing here and stopping something that brings me destruction and despair. I have urges but how can we miss something that hurts us so much - that's the addiction and I have finally (took long enough!) realised and accepted I'm an addict and as much as I hate thinking about it if I gamble it's when not if my wife leaves me and I lose everything. But I've accepted that and I'm changing my wife sees that and we're on the up and getting closer everyday. With the debt like yourself I have a lot but there are no shortcuts (I've tried trust me lol) so month by month that's what you have to do, keep going stay strong and you'll get there the debt will go down and before you know you'll really see the difference and see things going in the right direction. It's great to share this journey with people like yourself and see people walking the path and helping themselves and changing there life's. Best wishes to you. I love it on here and love hearing of people doing well.

Thanks for your kind words gave me a Wee boost tonight knowing I'm on the right path,thank you 🙂 here's to a gf weekend! Keep up the good work mate!

Day 156. Feeling good with only a few weeks to the due date. No gambling for me, gonna make my daughter proud!

Hi 8th Oct , Just popped by to say well done on your 156 of not gambling , I know your aim is to make your daughter proud of you but have a huge amount of pride in yourself for what youv'e achieved so far , keep doing what's working my friend 🙂

Huge respect and best wishes for your continued success :))

Alan

156! Awesome. If you tackle fatherhood like you've tackled this challenge you'll be a great dad. Keep it up

Thank you both for the lovely comments it was a great way to start my day. It's day 158 for me today and the big day is closing in fast. I've ticked off the first two of my targets in my first post the next is to get to the birth of my daughter gamble free and her due date is 8th Oct - a little to close for comfort! I'm very excited to be a dad with a little bit of oh s**t I'm going to be a dad!

As far as the non gambling goes I'm happy with my recovery and I think I'll get to that day and that'll also coincide with completing the 90 day challenge so a double celebration both meaning a lot to me. I will then have the challenge of staying stopped while I'm stressed, tired probably feeling weak, excited and a million other emotions and one or many of those emotions will probably lead to an urge or two and I believe I'll have the fight to power through but that'll be the challenge. On this site I am on the 2016 thread and determind to get to the end of the year with no more bets which will mean for me 2016 consists of 1 bet of £20 and that's it which will be a massive success and leads me in to 2017 which will I hope be my first year and calender year gamble free.

We will see I'm excited by everything - except juggling work and home and not to keen on dirty nappies funnily enough! Other than that the next few weeks and months are going to be massive and I'm not going to let gambling spoil a moment.

Afternoon 8th , thanks for the kind words this morning , I don't know about leading ? I think were all here on a level playing field just trying to help each other where we can and thats what really works :))

Listen it's not long now until all the Pooh , wee , dribble and sleepless nights start but don't worry you'll stop once the Baby's born :)) Your gonna love it fella , they fill your life with joy and happiness , occasionally a little heartache but it's so worth it :)). We all go Shi.......t I'm going to be a dad , it's a massive life changing responsibility but as soon as they arrive you'll deal with it in the same way as recovery , one day at a time and discovering as you go .

Sending you best wishes

Alan

Hi 8th

Just had to say well done, I've read your story and many others on here and it has given me hope. It's early days for me but I'm determined to do it x

Just read my first post and a few opening posts from previous diaries. I can't believe I've been posting on and off for 6 years and I do remember I was reading originally for around 6 months maybe more without an account. So I have known I have has some sort of problem for around 7 years and thinking back I've actually had signs of a problem for around 12 years - some very clear signs in hindsight! But for atleast 7 years I've been battling the addiction and trying to quit or control my gambling now of course and for the last few years its definitely quit - not a bet of £2 now and then and that's OK but 100% commitment to stopping and unfortunately that is what it takes - 100% focus. I have been trying for years as I say and I only now feel I'm truly ready to stop forever. One because of all the financial and emotional beatings I have took through gambling but also because of how committed I am now. I have stopped listening to certain sport podcasts, stopped following certain sports altogether just to limit any chance of a relapse.

So to anyone reading stopping gambling can be done but you have to want it, really want it and really do all you can to stay stopped. I'm still early in this my latest journey/diary but it is so worth the effort.

Day 181 today so give or take a day or two and I'm 6 months gamble free, I have just completed the 90 day challenge which feels great. I had three goals in my first post and I have hit the first two and just have a week to go to hit the third. My new goal then will be to continue on with the year thread and finish the year gamble free that will be approx 8 months gamble free - a new personal best - and will set me nicely going into 2017, with the goal to get to 1 year gamble free and then to make 2017 my first calendar year gamble free.

Thanks to this site one of my tools to help me along this road. I thank you all for listening. Onwards and upwards.

Day 189, the day, the name, here it is the 8th Oct my baby's due date it looks as though the baby is gonna make us wait but the 8th October was my last and main target to not have a bet until this day not that I plan on having a bet tomorrow of course but by going to this day I have truly broken the habit and feel I can live a life without betting which means I can provide a better life for my baby girl. I'm going to change the title to daughter as we know its a girl (better be there's pink everywhere in our house!) and I'm going to change my username to Apr2nd that will be my 1 year date and a massive target to aim for. In the mean time my target is to get to the end of the year gamble free which will be a personal best of over 8 months previous being 7 months ish and I'll also be aiming for a first gamble free calender year probably the first in 15 years plus. I know I can do it I've got other things in my life bigger things and my goals my aims my whole life is now going to be lived for my wife and my little girl.