I will start a recovery diary as well now ...

Hi. I am also on day 2. It's not going to be easy, but I know I HAVE to make it to day 3,4,5....30,40,50...300,400,500.... I wonder when (if?) we'll ever stop counting and be comfortable with it? I have been gambling for about ten years and lost more money than some people make in a lifetime - that's to my complete shame. I can't share this with anyone (does your husband know?) so I hope this forum will be my support. Good luck to you - I don't have any answers but I do know how you are feeling and will share this process with you, day by day. I hope your day 2 goes OK x

Hi Ruthie,

Finally people who understand :). At the moment I feel so positive and I hope we can do it.

My husband knows parts, Ruthie. I started 2006 and and had a bad breakdown approx. 2010. By then I gambled away 40K. He reacted great and we remortgaged the house and I promised not to gamble anymore.

But I did.

I am self employed and I do all our finances as well, so he doesnt have an overview of how much I actually earn (a lot) and how many debts we actually have (hell of a lot).

I am frightened to tell him because I dont think he would support me again. The same applies to friends and family - they all know I used to gamble, but nobody (but one) are aware that I still gamble.

This is my main problem really. The secret. I feel so bad about it, its like betraying the people who are close to me. And I feel like a weakling and loser for doing it.

Strange thing is, that everybody thinks I am the strong, confident business woman who isnt afraid of anything .... that might apply for my job, but deep down I feel like a coward and a weakling because of this terrible addiction that dominates my life.

I am so glad that I found this website yesterday because two of the many negative aspects of this illness are loneliness and collusiveness.

Good luck to you, Ruthie. We can do it.

Day 3:

2 days I felt so positive. Even our foster son realised the change in me and said that I am a lot more fun when I dont work too much (no boy, its not the work - its the sleepless nights gambling ...).

The end of day 2 didnt go too well, though.

All was fine during the day and I switched the computer off relatively early.

I downloaded a film on my iPad and when laying in bed, watching the film all over sudden I wanted to double-check that I really self-excluded myself from all slots on the iPad .... I didnt.

One casino was still open. Instead of phoning my friend that he closes the account for me, I thought I could do it myself.

But the button "deposit" put me into remote control again. Thanks God, I didnt go over board and spent 75 quit only. Still, more money than I have spare. 75 would have been a month dog food, a day wages, half a week food,....

Funny, I never thought of money like this. Maybe I should. The money I gambled away were just numbers. I havent bought myself any new outfits for years, I havent been to the hairdressers since ages ...

Anyway, I self excluded myself from this last casino now and will start with a clean slate yet again.

I try not to get too upset about last nights glitch ... and I will not be beaten by this horrible horrible addiction.

Thanks to this forum I am out of self-pitty and back in fighting mode. I want to get out of this addiction and I will. I want to get out of debts and enjoy life again, and I will. Eventually.

Hi tschotschi

Sorry to hear you had a blip but well done for getting right back on the road to recovery. Don't ever become complacent in your determination to do this (this is advice I give to myself also). Don't be hard on yourself either what's done is done and today is a new day.

Best wishes

Tee jay x

Day 4 (minus 1):

No slots yesterday - and even better: no thoughts of gambling when I went to bed. I slept really well :).

Hi again. I am sorry I haven't been supporting you on here the last few days - I had no internet (unpaid bill - surprise surprise). I paid the bill today so am back. I have not played any slots all week - but I will be honest and say IF I didn't have the blocker and no internet I can't hand-on-heart say I wouldn't have. I am sorry you had a blip, but look forward now, not back. I recognise myself in a lot of the things you say ...I am glad you're here. Keep strong 🙂 xx

Hi T (can I call you that? It's a long name to write!)

And hello to Ruthie too.

I am on day 47. Keep going T. I know in my heart without a blocker I would have fallen by the wayside by now. It takes time for the mind to catch up with what we know is the right course. With every day that passes we will feel better.

Your story is so much like mine. My sister and a good friend of mine know my position but I don't think they fully understand (the urge, the trance, the despair but yet returning to do it all again.) It gets so that it is not about the money any more. I can remember just clicking away without even looking at the outcome. And the relief when all the money is gone so I can stop (until the next time).

We can do this girls. We can be strong.

We are not alone.

Elfie x